Monday, December 26, 2011

Happy Boxing Day~!

it's been quite an eventful weekend, and a special one with gtb.

celebrated xmas at home by cooking up a nice meal with her, with soup and some choya to accompany us through the meal. this is perhaps the first time i've cooked so many things to make a meal set. chicken chop, sausages, bacon, eggs, soup... very nice, but also, very unhealthy. haha.. but then again, delicious things are usually unhealthy.

we exchanged our gifts after the meal. i received a specially hand-made calender filled with our photos and a card with a pop-up xmas tree. i gave her a photoframe with our photos and a card too. i would say this is the best xmas eve i've so far.

xmas day was spent with her too. lazing around and watching modern family in the early morn, and then went to swimming in the afternoon. a first time for me going swimming with her. it was a nice experience. but only today did i realize i lost my goggles in the toilet when i went to bathe. haha.. perhaps should have taken her advice of bathing at her house. i only used it a couple of times only -_-

had steamboat dinner over with her family. her bro's partner was there too, so it was quite a group. dinner was fun, but i got kinda red from the red wine.

well, today's boxing day. nothing much on except for mj, which i lost almost the same amount of what i won last night. soccer in the morning, muddy as usual.

did some housechores today. wiped the floor with the magic wiper or something, then mopped the floor, brought in the laundry, fold some clothes, mopped the kitchen again after me and sis cooked the chicken chop which caused the oil to splatter everything.

as i sit here in front of my new laptop which isn't really stable, i suddenly thought to myself, what should i do now. i thought of fyp, and i know i need to do it, but now i'm just not in the right mood. 2 more weeks before the 5 pages deadline is up. sighz. there's a lot of things that i wanna do. but doing them requires so much time that i keep delaying them. i'm starting to feel a bit anxious, worried. i hate the holidays sometimes.


Friday, December 23, 2011

New Laptop

finally i'm blogging on a laptop instead of my iphone. i secretly hate the small screen and the no-keypad typing of my thoughts.

this laptop came as a free giveaway from the smart samsung tv that my family recently bought to replace the old tvs. we have 4 tvs before buying this 40", 2 small ones that are almost spoilt, the previous living room one which was faulty also and the big one which was in my dad's room which its audio has gave way.

it's xmas's eve's eve. looking forward to spending a special time with her.

results are out! i got 2 A's for both badminton and forensic science, B+ for clinical neuropsych and B for forensic psychology. sighz... why do all my professional modules get shot down like this? slightly disappointed that i didn't get A+ for badminton, but it's okay. still can rmb i didn't do all that well for my clinical neuropsych essays, but luckily, there's still a B+ to be happy about. alright, now my cgpa is solid as steel. no worries no worries~ except for FYP.

festive seasons have always eluded me as important dates to feel special. the only time i spent it with someone special turned out be quite a flop. somehow, with her by my side now, every festivals became something to look forward to. but of cuz, this comes with the need to think of what to do for the dates. it comes as quite a challenge for someone who doesn't go out that often. but i'm sure it's worth every effort.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

2nd week hitting the shuttle

Played badminton last week and this week; just yesterday. I didn't feel like i was underperforming, but somehow I feel the uncles are undermining my skills.

One of them told me to stay in front always so he would have space to move in the back court, just like how he and another auntie always play. I was thinking that that kind of play was more for mixed doubles, and to use it on me, is kinda like saying I might as well be a female. Haha.. Wasn't that pissed, so I just listened to what he said and tried to stay in front.

The other got fed up partnering me and told me to form the front back stance with me at the back. Well obviously that ain't gonna work if we just stay at that position -_- before the game begins, he still can say 'no worries, anyhow play only' when the other side tried to balance the abilities of the two sides.

Sometimes I wonder if im the difficult one to be partnered with. Is it becuz I'm too used to playing in a competitive game back in jc that I'm always move back in preparation for smashes? Or is it becuz my singles mentality always take over in the court?

Whatever the case, it's always interesting to do some self-discovery.

Oh, and there's a same age guy studying law in smu who talked a lot of things which I wasn't really quite interested in. Met him quite some time back. Maybe could approach him next time when I need a lawyer.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Eventful holidays

It's been quite a rush since the exams have ended. First was the trip to telunas beach resort for ocip organized a Christian club in school. Those 7 days were quite nice as most of the times were relaxing, the other parts were building a wall around an elementary school under the hot sun and living in a kampung village. It's not easy getting used to their lifestyle especially when it's so different from our current one. Would talk about these 7 days perhaps after I get a new laptop. My Asus has finally died after 4 years. How nice. Right before my final sem.

The past three days were spent with kids. It was a kids camp organized by the welfare service club in school which I was asked to join by yn. I was initially quite reluctant, as I havent really been quite a kind figure I the kids my mum has been taking care of over the years. So I didn't really know if I can interact with them in a positive manner. Well, it turns out I'm pretty okay with it. My kid on the first day started out a bit cold, but eventually warm up to the camp after a while, and also warm up to me. My second and third day kid was the same. He was something like a small size leader in his own ways. The more interesting part of the camp is seeing the interactions btw the kids; chasing after one another regardless of gender, brothers fighting, arguments, talkin back. Just a few days and it's more than enough to tire most of the volunteers, imagine being a parent. At the end of the camp, my first day kid wrote me a card with drawings on it. He can draw quite well I must admit. At least better than me. Haha.. Hopefully I leave an inspiring image on them as I've wished to. Idolizing in a positive way, or modeling, is quite a good tool for the kids to grow. Not as rules, but as guidance. Could sense that some of them really liked my company, the small leader even asked me to go up on stage with them if they won a prize, which eventually we did, third! And my first kid was quite accepting of my lousy props-doing since he's the one who was going to wear it during the stage performance. It was nice seeing yn interact with the kids, especially the youngest and most troublesome of all in the group. All the fictional stories she came up with were kinda cute, with all games she played with him. Got a motherly feel to it. Haha..

Did some data entries this morning and now off to town to retrieve data from my spoilt laptop. Hungry, haven't had lunch.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

張宇-雨一直下



As I was studying for my last paper for the sem, this song keep replaying in my head. it's the chorus part that really got me stuck on this song. zhang yu, classic~

song kinda described the despair, depicted by the female in the mv, that she had to face when she decided to leave the guy. hmm.. usually a singer's music video protrayed a same gender as the singer him/her-self. but in this case, it's the other way.

old song. but old songs are good.
perhaps due to the bias that if they're not good, they won't not be shown now already. these would perhaps push all the besties in the best into the oldies section and leave the main bulk of oldies in the unheard section.

LAST PAPER.
and i'm using my sis's laptop to revise, and got distracted.
i hate it when i don't have time to read the textbook and then after the paper the txtbk becomes a unneeded existence.
and i also hate it when i can't read the chapters twice before i enter the exam hall.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Vulnerable

Does it happens to everyone else? Or is this feeling of vulnerability idiosyncratic?

Am I so fragile that a little hurt would break me down? Doesnt the heart has some defense against uncertainties?

As I shred my wall down layer by layer, my barrier against the outside world grows thinner and thinner.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Laptop dead

My laptop has officially crashed as of last night, just 2 days before my finals -_-. I still can handle the papers without my laptop, just with my iPhone. Though the screen a bit small. Sighz.

I'm more worried abt the things I have inside of my laptop. Got a few things inside that i seriously do not wish to lose them. Let's hope it will recover by itself somehow or the Asus service centre can help me extract my files.

It's time to change a new laptop. It a desktop.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Friday noon

As I sat in a two seater table in a fast food named Texas chicken, located beside one of the entrance of causeway point, which is opposite to the library that I'm spending my day in for studying, I'm feeling largely unsatisfied in flavor but damn full from a 3 piece meal. The meat was quite plain, wasn't the same as before. Perhaps the marginal utility of the food drops more with each piece. The biscuit wasn't as nice as before. Fresh from the oven, but too soft for my liking. An unsightly scene in front of me of 4 employees sittin and having their Texas meals amidst the lunch crowd. First, they're eating the rest's food. Second, they're taking up seats. Third, it's unseen and unsightly for employees to dine in. Fourth, it's crowded already.

I'm progressing slow on my readings. Perhaps i haven't yet got my speed back since it has been a long break for me without reading. First paper in 10 days. I wanna relax, but at the same time do well in them.

Suddenly remember something Chiu told me the other day about him reading a course in music psychology back in aust. Self reminder to get the notes from him. Always have been an interest of mine to explore this aspect of psych. Music seemed like such a natural thing from the start of the homo sapiens, or perhaps even earlier in the days of the ancestors like homo erectus. It's hard to think a world without it. Could it be a natural by product of vocalization? Like the birds that chirp beautiful melodies, humans make music becuz we're able to speak, or make sounds with our throats. But then again, the common animals like dogs and cats don't make music. Or perhaps their kind of music couldn't be appreciated by the humans or we're restricted by the frequency of our hearing; 20-20000hz. I think I have seen somewhere on tv that dolphins make beautiful sounds too, be it as communication or maybe, they're singing too.

As I reluctantly get ready to leave my seat at this place which I'm not coming back for the rest of my studying days at the library, I start to anticipate the start of her first paper. And somehow, I'm feeling nervous myself. Haha..

Tml going to visit grandpa at ttsh. Cuz of some breathing difficulty with cough and phlegm. It worries me to think that I might soon face the reality of another person that I cared for dearly leave this reality and become a part of my hippocampus contents and permanently out of sight from my two vision fields. I can already feel my limbic system acting up from thinking about it.

Back to work.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

,

somehow, it only took a bowl of rice + bak kut teh, a nice evening walk, a casual chat, some shrimp paste chicken, and lotus root soup, to get my gloomy mood out of my system.

i didn't think that the dark clouds in my thoughts would disappear that quickly, but it did.

last day of the sem.
it's two weeks before exams.
1 module down.
1 module studied finish.
1 module open book.
left 1 module to chiong using the textbook.

hmm.. life's good this sem.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

.

Thoughts of you filled my mind as I drifted in and out of sleep last night

It was like a constant switch between a sweet dream and a nightmare. Becuz in the dream, we were together. But in reality, we're more than just 12 km away.

As if to give me comfort in the middle of the night, my alter subconscious self brought the pillow from below my head , into my arms. I willingly gave in to the hallucination.

I woke up not knowing what to do with my feelings. I woke up and realized I don't know how to be a friend.

When I looked at the photo frame by the bedside, it ached. To know that the depiction is of a past and not the present nor the future, it hurts. Yet, it's still on my bedside.

Sometimes I wondered, when ppl are depressed, they don't really wish to get out of it. Becuz getting out of it, also means getting over it. It signifies a state of acceptance. The depression comes as an avenue to hold on to whatever's left. That when everything is gone, the only thing that reminds you that it ever did happen, is the sadness.

I began to realize how little I know about love and relationships. What's meant by the chemistry btw two ppl? Can it stays as always? Could it fluctuate? It should get better over time, right? Sometimes I feel the ideality set by our perception of the world which is influenced by the environment in which we grow up in, is not at all ideal. Wouldn't the world be boring if all of us approach that ideal image? And when we deviates from the ideal, are we considered wrong? Shouldn't it be alright to be just us? Accepting who and how we are?

You'll never know unless you try.
And when you fail, try try again.
For something that you want, it's never too late to try.
And it doesn't matter how many times.
Cuz it's worth it.
You're worth it.

等哪一天妳有勇气面对,
我会待在一旁守着,
现在的一切.






与世隔绝

.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

what do you do...?

what do you do when you know you're hungry, but you just don't have the feeling to eat?
because that's what i'm feeling now.
tonight's turn of event got me to the point that maslow's hierarchy of needs theory is rendered completely useless.
i find it hard to think.
i find it hard to breathe.

i can't shed a tear.
i just can't.
as i entered my room, my eyes suddenly teared up in an instance.
it was as if my defense went vulnerable as i stepped into my personal space.
it was as though i subconsiously felt it was safe to indulge myself in the sadness.
but i stopped it.
i let the shower substitute the tears.

for tonight, let me drown in my own emotions.
becuz if i don't, i don't know what else to do.

it's supposed to be quiet

i know that.
the 5th level of the library is a quiet zone.
everyone knows that.

and when i put on my earphone, have my laptop volume set at 20, plugged into my ears, and still the girl opposite of me stood up and told me to lower my volume, then that is not okay. it's damn soft already you niak niak girl.

besides, when i was settling down opposite of the two girls in the morning, one of them stood up to check what i was doing. then soon after, the other girl stood up to see what i was doing. wtheck? as i walked away to settle stuffs, i glared at them in an attempt to tell them it's wtheck to do that. this is a library, although quiet zone, but i'm freaking allowed to make noise while i'm settling down on my seats. and as i typed away on my laptop, i hope it disturbed their train of thoughts. haha... yes, i'm that evil when i'm pissed. all kinds of ppl one can meet in school.

Like a niak niak niak

it's a phrase that she came up with randomly tonight that got me laughing uncontrollably at some point of time.

today was a special lunch that i didn't know i was going to have.
initially i was afraid of the socializing that i have to do.
it's just in me to be afraid of socializing since young.
towards relatives, towards friends, etc..
but i was glad today turned out of be quite okay, or at least that's coming from my perspective.

3 more weeks to final papers.
i gotta start studying already.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Post-Bday

well, i turned 24 three days ago.
getting older and older, and hopefully as the time goes by, i'll wise up along the way.

as i approached my bday this year, i wasn't expecting much.
but as how things turned out, this year turned out to be quite a bday.

first of all, i got a casio watch from dad.
elegant, nice, cool.
the second set of gifts come from someone special who did up a card, a photoframe and a table soccer set. she also celebrated with me on the day itself. =)
the third gift was from an overseas friend who sent me a video message of singing a bday song. greatly appreciated.
the fourth gift was from the army dudes, a rather large moss ball in a large jar with the armour signia on the top of the cover. nice.
last of all, thanks to all who wished me, whether is it on fb, or msg, or whatever avenues.

if you rmb my bday, i'm grateful enough to have known you.

anyway, it's 3 weeks before the finals.
3 papers this sem, perhaps the slackest exam i'm going to have.
nevertheless, i should get on to studying.
this is probably the only sem i could possibly get a 5.0 on my gpa.
but i think i kinda screwed that up when i turned in a lousy forensic psych paper.
haha.. oh well.

life's good.
especially with someone by my side.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

the worst paper written

2 days without sleep to complete my forensic psych paper which turns out to be in a big mess and a disappointment over what i could have really done for the paper. i doubt i would get good grades for that, but oh well... haha.. i'll work harder for the finals, hopefully i can at least get a B+ for this course.

i was initially worried about the aftermath of the 2 days of rushing. my back hurts becuz i was sitting up too long, i felt heaty, my eyes still hurt a bit when i woke up this morning when the rush was 2 days again from wed to thurs. and yesterday she told me i was feeling a bit warm and sweating on the palms, with that stupid rain that drenched us both, i thought maybe i'm doomed for another wave of cold and sorethroat. but i guess the vitamin c really does help fight off the virus that my own body immune system is so bad at.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Being strong for someone

For whatever there is to be faced,
for whatever there is to be overcome,
for whatever there is to be resolved,

I will hold on to the memories which are imprinted in my heart,
I will hold on to the feelings which are filling me with happiness,
I will hold on to the belief that there is a future.

I will be strong.
For you, for us.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

等待



很简单的一句

爱我,别走。

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

For those...

Or rather, for the socially inapt Indian couple who just took my table even though I placed my file and sweater on the seats... Open your freaking eyes and make sure the table is empty before occupying it. There are other tables that are empty, don't sit on one with stuffs on it. If there are stuffs on it, it probably means it's taken. So take the cue you two ignorant fools.

I got kinda pissed when I was q-ing up for food at the hawker centre and saw this happening. Lucky for me, I found another empty table. I went back to the original table, took my file and sweater, and before leaving the table, lightly slammed my file on the table. I'm pissed abt them, and I just have to let them know. In the end the Indian auntie kept looking at me after I sat down comfortably on my empty table. To satisfy my childish and defiant self, take that you bitch.

Monday, October 10, 2011

monday zZz

well, the day started as usual as i squeezed in a mac breakfast before going to school for badminton. it was the clearing shot test today. kinda easy, but i hit 1 shot out of the scoring zone. so in the end, it's 16/20 -_-" and i think a lot of those amateurs were able to score higher than me, just becuz i hit 1 out and get a zero for that. anyway, wasn't playing that well today, my short service kept hitting the net, my shots were wildfire. still, had fun.

wanted to stay back after school for some foosball with tan. but the damn instep application was going on in the ISC. they kinda chased us out when we were just beginning to play. yes, i know the foosball is disturbing. then don't have your application venue there lah. haha..

tried to look at the forensic science recorded lecture in school cuz i can't view them at home. something wrong with my laptop. anyway, i only watched 20 min before i couldn't take it and went home. i must have doze off at least a couple of times, and the rest of the time i'm thinking that the stuffs were too simple to understand with just the notes and not much elaborate explanation was needed from the lecturer.

came home and slept till mum woke me up for dinner. everytime i woke up, the dryness, and hence the pain of my throat comes again. i look forward to the day my throat is better again for me to eat whatever fried food i so desired.

2 more months before this sem ends. it's time to start getting into the notes and my readings.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Unlimited Blade Works

chiu just posted a prequel video of the animation FSN. looks quite okay. reminded me of one of the fights in the original anime, by one of my favourite character in it.

his ultimate move was the unlimited blade works which i thought was beyond coolness. haha..

I am the bone of my sword.
Steel is my body, and fire is my blood.
I have created over a thousand blades.
Unknown to Death.
Nor known to Life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet, those hands will never hold anything.
So as I pray, unlimited blade works.

given his background as someone whom the male lead would turn into, it makes him a bit more special than the rest of the characters in my view.

Low Kay Hwa

I'm afraid if I read on any further than what I've read, I may not be able to hold back the feelings inside and tears.

Monday, October 3, 2011

-_-

fcuk the cough.
can't even concentrate.

Starting of the second half

It's Monday morning and I'm on the way to badminton class after having a hearty meal at Mac. Everything sounds fine, except for the fact that my throat is still suffering from midnight and morning dryness, and now it's feeling a bit weird. I reckoned that I'll be coughing away later at training and trying to catch my breath as I spar against the better players.

The money that my ah ma left for me was borrowed away by my dad who needed some quick cash. Oh well. But what I didnt know, or rather, I forgot that she left quite a significant amount for me. Enough to tide me thru the rest of my academic year without working. Anyway, I'm sure mum was quite relieved that I could lend my dad the cash, especially when she sometimes said that dad would borrow from her and not returned.

Something surprised me the other day, something that my dad did. He told us if we're interested in going for yanni's concert at MBS. I asked what's yanni? Haha.. He's supposed to be a very talented guy in the world of music. Self taught pianist, keyboardist and composer. Must be very passionate and musically inclined to have turn out this way. And here I'm still wondering what I'm talented in. He graduated with a psychology degree too. That's something similar. Haha..

Anyway, dad said there were no more seats except for the front ones, so he bought 4 tix, each amounting to over 200. -_-" that's like over a thousand dollars for a family outing. But then again, he didn't pay a single cent since he was exchanging his points from the gambling organization for the tickets. He even mentioned that he will get me a g shock for my bday. Wow! Even though I know it's kinda free since he has the points, but I still feel rather touched that my dad still concern himself over getting me something for my bday. I'm going to be 24, if he gets me anything at all, even if it's a red packet with some money in it, I would be more than happy already. Anyway, maybe his points were expiring already, that's why he's spamming away like there's no tomorrow. Let's hope his gambling habits don't come back and haunt the family.

Eating Mac just now reminds me of the times when I would wake up early on the weekend morning, walk to causeway point, and get the 2 bucks Macmuffin with egg with tea meal. Those weekends were usually spent alone as the rest of the family were away on cruise. That was when I learned loneliness. That was when I learned independence.

I grew up as a boy who was too shy to even order a meal from a hawker by myself. I'm kinda glad I became someone who has the courage to overcome any possible endeavors that I may encounter. Somewhere along the way, I found the courage to face my fears. Although I know many times were with the help of others, but usually they don't realize that. On my own, my courage shrinks and I often avoid the problem while staying in my comfort zone. With others, be it my family or my friends, I would bravely march forward.

Courage without fear is senseless.
Only with fear, courage is of worth.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

One month

ever since i've ORDed, i get a bit anxious about my birthday.
not becuz i'm turning old, but becuz i knew i haven't clear my yearly IPPT yet.

it has been over a month too since something beautiful happened to me.
that's one more reason to smile every night before i fall asleep on my bed.

i had a riddle tonight which i couldn't quite figure out at first sight.
IASLTKY
took me a while to get it, but after i did, i felt the same way. =)

fyp meeting up in 2 days.
outline, hmm... 10% done. so screwed. haha...
i suppose this sem is too slack for me, i don't even feel like doing any studying or readings. what a good start to my honours year~

A Quote

Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member.
Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier.
Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual.
But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.

- Ammon Hennacy

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Phosphenes

this could be the things that i keep seeing in my eyes all these years.
saw it on OMG facts.

and my throat is feeling itchy.
there's some coughing.
i sense myself falling ill again.
damn.

my handicap

everyone has their weakness.
everyone has something they can't do.
but why me?

it's something that i have felt helpless ever since i found out.
and up till this point, i have become completely paralysed on the matter.
it's something that i was excelling in and was developing a passion for.
and yet i'm stopped by my own self.

as i look at the dart board that is hung on my wall, i'm constantly reminded of the fact that i would probably not be able to play as well as before due to the psychological/physiological barrier that appear out of nowhere with my right hand.

it was a boring morning and early afternoon, so i tried to throw some darts. as i stood before the board with the two darts in my left, and the throwing dart in my right, i took aim at the triple 20s, bend my elbow in preparation for throwing, make a few fake swings, and just got stuck there. the dart just wont leave my hand, or rather, my hand just won't release the dart. and even i forcefully threw out the dart, it would look really really awakard and the aim would be much off.

this kinda deters me a bit when my darts teammates ask me back for trainings and also for outings. it would just hurt a little inside to have my handicap shown to all. none of them really understand, becuz it's not something that would happen to the common. perhaps i guess i'm special in this sense. even alcohol inhibition doesn't help in this situation. saded.

oh well. i can still play with my left hand, except it's like wild fire on the board and i don't feel like poking any more holes on my wall or my floor tiles. haha..

wind

as of now, as the night enters into its peak, the clouds gather in the night sky, forming a grayish/reddish blanket over the stars. the wind blows, while being channeled by the tall buildings, through the windows, into my room.

i stood by the windows, enjoying the strong winds before the rain comes.

a slight emotional turmoil over the weekends.
something which i haven't felt in a long time.
but it turned out to be quite okay.
and i hope it either stays that way, or move on to something better.

now as the rain arrives, i'm forced to shut my windows.
and with my door closed also, it may seemed i'm locked from inside.
yet in this little space i called my room,
i'm comfortable.

except when the hunger comes.

anyway, finally rid myself off from the surveys.
should be earning 700 bucks.
but i don't think they gonna pay me that fast.

thinking of a new desktop.
but then again, what's the use if i don't have time for games?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

To a friend I have known for 21 days

Dear Princess 芸娜,

Happy 22nd Birthday~!

it's the rain

if i can blame something for the uneasiness i feel today, it's the rain.

Afraid

It makes me so scared,
Instead of running away from you, I'm running away from myself.

Monday, September 19, 2011

leaving a footprint, or leaving a trail?

i don't really know why, but the recent events have left me pondering over the question of the level of significance in someone's live.

for example, i don't deem her as a significant part of my life. and thereby avoid any possible interactions with or around her. up until she becomes a significant part of my life, or in the current case, a significant part of a significant person of my life, then perhaps the significance of her existence approaches significance in the positive direction towards p = .05 but still may not necessarily meet the threshold which is subjectively held.

as social convention goes, we're not suppose to hate or dislike anyone, or at least behave so outwardly in the presence of the said persons. that being said, my previous actions of avoidance, obviously towards said person, was explicit until no explainable excuse could be conjured to make it seem likely that it was otherwise so. yet, this continual behavior has to stop since matters reach a point of significance, whether or not it reaches my subjective critical point.

regarding another matter, as i read the open histories of a friend, of which i found rather interesting, i couldn't help but notice the drastic differences. of cuz there are tons of ppl who lead drastically different lives relative to me. the difference here is this; i don't know them. to summarize the general thoughts of this matter cuz it's too troublesome to type it all out; extroverted vs mixed-troverted. yes i made that stupid term out becuz i can't decide which -troverted i am. it's situational dependent, plus mood. oh, that reminds me of the time i was completely ignored at a birthday party, which i could have been happier at another party with hotdogs instead of a fancy-looking one which doesn't even have food that i deem suitable for taste. cheese hotdogs. those were cheese hotdogs that they were having.

i'm starting to feel the oldness in me when i wake up in the morning after a long night's chat. and frankly speaking, it got me worrying for my ippt. damn you 2.4.

normally friends come and go, i don't really care when or how, and sometimes, why. things happen so naturally, you just don't give it much thoughts. my issues with these don't lie with the above questions, but more on how this bond will turn out. with the analogy that i thought of, a footprint is a deeply imprinted mark, while a trail could be seen as a marker into the horizon that someone left behind. the main difference is that the former is singular, and the other, neverending. to put it in terms of how the memory system is proposed to work, an episodic memory VS working memory. somehow it feels that the episodic memory is of a stronger side. but the thing to note is that the working memory is what's now, not then. to put it in reality, many (or according to long-term memory, limitless) people can be in our episodic memory, but there's only so much we can put in our working one. and true enough, i care less for the people in the episodic part of my memory than my working ones. i don't have that much care to go around and distribute to everyone that i want to care about.

at this point in life, most friends can easily slip into the episodic part. the phase of being in the university is as such. you're not forced to see each other every weekday like back in the good old days before college. at some point, the academic world gives you the liberty to not even show up for classes. good and bad, but seriously unrelated to me since i'm not having much social conversations in class for the past 3 years, and i doubt it will start in my final.

with this thought that i had tonight, i began to wonder other's existence to me and my existence to others. do you first determine the significance of that person's existence to you and thereafter seek to approach that significance through social interactions, and if that is achieved beyond a certain threshold, try to maintain the closeness that you've found? or do you just let things happen and see how it goes? and with natural selection, you'll be left with who you're destined to be with. it's quite possible that you end up with no one though.

feel like slping already. damn you tiredness.

it's a miracle

or at least i thought it was near to impossible.
when i was 300 short of the 500 i was suppose to rush through last week, i thought i was a goner after coming back from the morning socer yesterday and rested till 3pm. next thing i know, i was typing and typing until 12 midnight. although i didn't manage to complete the 300, i got 250 of them done. that's quite a feat for me already. almost 8 hours of work with the dinner break in btw, and 250 entries. that's more than 30/hr.

i'm now hoping that the school side can give me more surveys since theirs are more fun than my current ones. lots of numbers with no need for leaving blanks.

anyway, morn badminton training has been fun, but mostly tiring. halfway through stroking with the school player from china, i was already halfway to giving up also. my lobbing was nowhere near the baseline, which is true since jc, and my smashes, if any, are just so weak. haha.. lousy player who knows how to play. well, was too tired to listen to neuro psych and dozed off throughout the lecture in the seminar room. worse was i was napping during the break in btw, when i woke up, she was talking already. thankfully, i wasn't snoring.

last week before recess. looking forward to a week's break. although i haven't been doing much, but still, a break's a break.

Friday, September 16, 2011

teaching ain't easy

especially when i'm the teacher.
i've never really doubt my teaching skills until i start giving tuition to primary school kids. usually i tutor my peers.

now that i've taught primary sch maths for 2 years, i began to seriously doubt my teaching skills. why ain't they improving as i thought they would be? why? is 1.5 hrs per week not enough? actually i would recommend to have it at least 2 tuitions per week.

realized my cousin failed his maths, below 40 somemore. the other kid doing foundation also failed, i think they both got almost the same marks. -_-"
am i not strict enough with them? perhaps. i don't scold, i don't blame. i teach.
i always remembered my tuition teacher as someone who's very fierce. and i rmbed telling my mum to get female tutors. don't really fancy male ones. but hell, the female tutors were quite fierce. once, she was so fierce, i think she cried. hahaha... joking. i think she got frustrated dealing with me, so she cried. i wasn't really a pleasant kid to teach back then. i was already doing well in maths, so the tuition teacher was erm... mostly not doing anything. usually after she started explaining a question, i would cut in and do the rest myself. and becuz back then i can't seem to finish my work always, most of the time in tuition i was just doing maths qns instead of her teaching me. sighz.

wonder if my approach is wrong. i'm just teaching random questions, going through random questions he had done wrong in sch. cuz in that short 1.5 hrs, i would hope to expose him to more solutions in the hope that he understand and rmb the skills. but if it's really up to me to decide, i would stay beside him, 24/7, make him redo the same paper again and again. rote learning, but very very useful. becuz it seems that rote learning in maths, is not really rote learning by just purely memorizing facts. cuz there's not much facts to rmb in maths. it's more of knowing where to look, what to infer.

angry and disappointed. angry with myself and the limitations that i face, and disappointed in myself and him. ever since i learned about intrinsic motivation, i've thought abt how to plant its seed and had it bloomed in kids i teach. i think i failed in everyone of them.

to me, it's a wonder why would anyone not be interested in maths.
of cuz, i know it's stupid to think this way.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Things I just rmbed

And I forgot to pin them down here.

The other night when we were playing mj, there were 5 of us. So naturally 2 persons need to share. Usually they play different winds, but this time they came up with an interesting method of deciding who to play. Scissors paper stone.

Maybe that wasn't very interesting to hear. Probably becuz I haven't to my point. Throughout the game, they kept pitting against each other to see who wins and so, the winner will get to play the next round. It's also like deciding who is luckier and thus would have a high prob of winning the rest of us three.

As it turns out, although the original intent wasn't to decide who's the luckier one, but it works. The 3 of us got our asses kicked pretty bad with the pair winning over a hundred.

After mourning for my loss of money after they left my house, I began to think whether this method is a scientific one. Yes, mahjong requires skills and certainly skills. But psychologically speaking, I would say emotions play quite a part too, and also the attitude.

In terms of attitude, or perhaps the state of mind, the winner assumes a role of someone who is in luck and thereby play the game with a rather positive emotion and an even more optimistic view of his chances of winning compared to his usually perceived one.

Could it have been that all these factors contribute to better playing skills? And even possibly promoting self luck? I would think it's rather probable that the positivity may helps in getting a more creative and holistic view of the ongoing game, thereby giving him an edge over the others in terms of objective skills. As for luck, not quite sure what kind of scientific proof is there for this. But I always thought of it as something akin to a self-belief. And I have been considering gathering past mj records and see if any definite patterns come out from there.

Another thing to talk abt.

the other day while I was out with the interns, one of the females reveal, or think that she would have a high sex drive. That to me, is supposingly the first time a female said that. Anyway, I went on to question her how did she know that. I went straight to whether she has tried self-masturbation. Becuz I could only think of 2 ways to go around finding this kind of things. And the other would be a more sensitive and invasive qns to ask. The feeling I got from her is that she has experienced neither. She based her claim of high sex drive on the basis of her extroverted active character.

I could almost agree with her on that. It does sounds probable for someone who has an active lifestyle towards the partying aspects to have a high sex drive. As commonsensically as it may seem, how do you know you like it when you haven't even try it? Sex, I suppose, it's not like just another sports that you can play. It's being naked, it's doing something that renders you vulnerable with the lack of common armor which one wears everyday. So my suggestion to her was this, go experiment herself. Doubt she would listen much.

Guess that's all.

Oh ya, saw a recent news of a maid who was convicted of abusing an elderly. While I was on my way to sch, I saw a maid who threatened to push the granny in the wheelchair into the road while waiting for the green man. Well, I guess both of them are not on good terms. And I think the granny was maybe doing her best in irritating the maid.

Reminder to self,
Don't get a maid next time.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Note to self

I'm beginning to use introspection to examine my emotions when talking to others and realizing what my behaviors or nonverbal cues were, then trying to use it on others and show that it's not idiosyncratic.

忽然之间



忽然之间 天昏地暗
世界可能忽然什么都没有
我想起了你 再想到自己
我为什么总在非常脆弱的时候
怀念你

我明白 太放不开你的爱
太熟悉你的关怀
分不开
想你算是安慰还是悲哀
而现在 就算时针都停摆
就算生命像尘埃
分不开
我们也许反而更相信爱

如果这天地 最终都会消失
不想一路走来珍惜的回忆
没有你

A beautiful song.

就算现在能安慰我的人不再是妳
想到妳
还是能感到一点温暖

那一点孤单的滋味
就算倾诉于身边的人
又有谁能真的明白

妳给过我的
妳说过的
就算虚假,也是真的。

Phrase

You will never walk alone.
But I will.

New iPhone app

Finally, an iPhone app for blogger so there's no more need for me to use safari to go into blogspot.

Yes, I'm on bed, bored, and feel like having company. The whole day of doing nothing much is making me panicky on thurs meeting for forensics.

I knew I could perhaps msg a friend. But then I would probably die from rains of words complaining the delays.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

now...

whenever i'm procrastinating, the only one thing on my list is to surf the net. after that i would feel like i'm wasting time. but still, i refuse to go back to my work. so i move on to watching videos. now, this activity varies a lot with the types. movies; could be done within 2hrs. dramas are a whole lot different thing. i basically justify myself by saying, "watched one, might as well the whole damn thing". afterwhich when i still refuse to do work, i come here to write stuffs so as to make the time i spent more productive.

first i must say, the tiny ants in my room are bugging me at a constant basis. there weren't that many of them, but recently, one just pops out every now and then. much more irritating is that one would occasionally crawl up my hand and gives this bite that's not so painful that i would go 'ouch', but painful enough to have some neuronal signal sent from the skin to my brain. as closely as i can be, i tried to look at how they bite into my top layer of skin, but i just can't.

second, the data entry assignment that i just did for the school is starting to annoy me. not the entering of data, but the aftermath. the coordinator send an email out to everyone, indicating the number of entries each of us can enter per hour. of which, i seemed to be significantly higher. from there, he calculated the average amt of time taken and that is multiply by 7 bucks. so as to say, my above-average number cause the avg hours to decrease and thereby, less money for the rest. now the rest of them have a reason to hate me, and one of them is a junior whom i don't know but recognizes me in my forensic class. and if they do, bite me.

my old-time buddies would have told me i was stupid to give them such a high number when i knew they expected something lower. this way, i'll get paid more. to add on to that, the numbers i gave him was already an underestimation. 15-20/hr. the real deal here is at least 20. seriously, i dont know why the rest are entering so much slower. or is it my freakishly fast numbers-entering with the keyboard which i found was very engaging and fun?

plus in the real world, or perhaps a real job, lying on the assignment makes you at most an adequate employee with just a one-time extra cash. honesty might make you less rich on this time, but on the contrary, gives you an edge over others in future on opportunities.

after saying so much, i seriously don't really bother. i got a job, i do it, i get money. that's it. the only thing that bothers me now, and the most, is that i have to submit my bank details with the bank signature on a hardcopy sheet to the school so that the school can process the payment transfer for this assignment. ma fan.

third, friends were concerned over the saturday night incident. just slightly concerned and mentioned during a game of me losing 30 bucks. yes, i'm a sore loser at mj when i'm not feeling rich. bite me (and i'm liking this phrase; perhaps too much big bang theory). anyway, we arranged to watch a game of soccer that night over at a friend's house. when we reached, someone was there, and that someone was someone whom i wasn't really comfortable with. no, i don't hate her. yes, i don't like her. when the car stopped and i alighted, i said goodbye and walked away to take the train back home. i agreed it was rude of me to do that, especially when she's there and another friend was calling me back to stay. but well, if i can't be comfortable in a situation, and it's proven and tested with her, then why force myself? i don't see the need to accomodate others when i can just walk away? hmm. correction. i don't see the need to accomodate my old friends when i can just walk away? a few of them may be unhappy abt this, but i stand my grounds on avoiding her. i'm just stubborn. it's worse than putting me and my ex in a trapped room. i'm sure they would understand my outright violation of social norms, and even if they're not, attempt to understand.

it's not the first time i did it. i've walk out on many situations that i thought i didn't want to be in. and for the times i didn't, due to social obligations, i just couldn't get my spirits up. but i truly feel apologetic abt the time i was unfeeling when i was still together with my ex and having dinner with her friend and her bro. that was quite... unboyfriend-ish of me.

fourth, went to school today and had a 15-20 minutes chat with 2 professors before going back home. felt -_-. didn't mind the travelling as i was occupied with 'telling lies' by ekman. but didn't like squeezing with the crowd during the evening rush. anyway, the 3-way conversation was quite a feat for me as i attempt to explain what i wanted to do with my fyp and try to look at both of them, switching from time to time so as to engage both of them. i'm just exaggerating it becuz i have nothing much to talk. but anyway, when prof j mentioned ekman sent him some stuffs and asked if he wanted to do some data collection locally, i was turned on, non-sexually. it was an opportunity. and so i offered him my service if there's any availability for an undergrad to get involved in the expt. of which he thanked me in a way that i know he don't think so.

anyway, while i was speaking to him, i realized a few of my actions while i was talking to him. interestingly, i touched my right earlobe with my left hand, my right hand went behind the back of my head touching my hair, etc etc. it's only when i did it then i realized it. pretty cool eh?

by the way, while i was on the bus going home, i started to wonder btw the two. forensic psych, or pilot. academia, or flying. then i decided, i don't have to choose now. hahaha..

Greeted by nature

I always like this feeling when I walked out of the house, and the breeze seem to greet me and welcome me into the outside world. It doesn't always happen, but it always feel so good when it does. It's like a hug from nature. It carries my worries away, it soothes my soul, it clears my mind. It basically gives the only silent comfort I could ever get.

Love, is like the wind.
You can never see it, but you can always feel it.
- a walk to remember

different and similar

woke up hating the feeling of hunger.
usually happens when i keep falling back to sleep after the alarm rings.
yet, i'm still not eating.
cuz there isn't anything at home that i like to eat for breakfast.
some time back i bought some slices of picnic ham so that during some mornings when i'm feeling good, i would cook some for breakfast.
but given how lazy i am every morning, eventually my mum took the initiative and cook the whole bunch for the whole family. haha..

anyway, yesterday was 中秋.
a very important festival in korea, a less important, yet still significant day for the chinese.
mum specifically requested me to be home for dinner, which i did.
it kinda felt like it's been a long time since i've dinner at the dinner table with my family. probably becuz i was busy for the last week.

what striked me most during dinner was the issue on the pregnant fried fish with all the eggs in it. can't rmb what it's called, but my sis said some japanese word.
anyway, dad and me thought it was just normal fish, but smaller and could probably just eat the whole thing. so each of us grabbed one. as soon as i bit into it, the 一粒一粒 feeling came. i could feel the multiple eggs that were inside my mouth. and then i gave mum the i-have-something-weird-in-my-mouth expression. did i mention i don't like eating fish eggs? haha..

immediately, i gave my mum the half-eaten pregnant fish and washed down the eggs with soup. at the same time, my dad gave the shocked look and quickly put back the pregnant fish. thereafter, mum and sis were eating the pregnant fish happily. -_-

as how things are, i'm rather similar to my dad in terms of being picky at food while sis is rather similar to mum in terms of these peripheral stuffs. dad always have a lot of weird and funny ideas, sometimes ridiculous beyond comprehension, and perhaps that's where i got my own weird and stupid ideas. but in terms of character, i seemed to be closer to mum and my sis closer to my dad. mum is pretty conscientious, but dad is rather... unorganized. he could make dinner plans and then say he didn't make reservations. haha.. but only a few times did we not succeed in having dinner at the planned dinner place. so i guess, me and my sis are both different and similar to my parents. it's a bit mix and match.

been under some pressure lately with the forensic ppt coming up fast, the fyp preparation for meeting later which frankly speaking, i'm not progressing much as i have just a general direction. the data entry work is constantly bugging me in my head, since there are stacks of it beside me and a whole big yellow box which is beside my damn big double mattress bed on which i sleep alone.

by the way, my mum has threatened to one day, throw away one of the mattress, just becuz she don't like it. used to belong to my sis, but since she threw out her bed, i kept the mattress cuz i thought it was a waste to throw it away. i've gotten used to sleeping on high grounds already. and i kinda like it. except for the rare occasion when i dropped down from the edge becuz i rolled too much; it happened once. still, i know that she's not going to do anything soon. cuz the bloodly mattress is queen size, and is stacked below my current one. without the help of anyone, my mum won't be able to get that mattress out of the house. so, at the moment, it's safe. unless she engaged the assistance of my dad. at the age of 53, i think my dad is still much stronger than me. it's like comparing an engineer to armour. in armour, we just sit inside the tanks. in engineer, they build bridges. different strength requirement, different build.

i'm actually quite excited about this evening meeting with the 2 profs. but the knowledge that i'm under-read on all my articles on deceptions and micro expression kills me to the point that i don't even have the motivation to start. plus the fact that i'm still hungry after typing so much ain't helping. eating mooncakes make me thirsty so i'm avoiding it.

and so to perhaps distract myself from hungry and work, i would talk about something else.

last night as i entertained the thought of reading, or just going to bed, a friend pushed me over the edge by saying there would be a surprise if i read for an hour and a half. of cuz that puts me in the mood for a while, but still i drifted off to the internet at some point of time. the surprise was a picture of little folded stars saying "well done" with some magazine cuttings of my name. truthfully speaking, i thought it was quite sweet as a gesture. and it's like i'm being in a real example of operant conditioning; positive reinforcements. except, perhaps i need more pairings to go, and also someone to validate that my readings are really "well-done" as said.

anyway, when i woke up this morning and looked at the picture again, i began to think that maybe becuz of her background as a teacher before, and her interactions with kids, she's tuned to motivating others with positive reinforcements, as a teacher should. not that it makes the gesture any less sweeter than it already is, but i wonder if the background is different, would the same gesture remains?

this also got me thinking about me being a lousy teacher.
i've tutor since the age of... 11? but i was doing buddy-reading at 9 or 10.
anyway, it has never really cross my mind that it was my job to motivate the tutee, or kid, or my friend. becuz for me, my motivation comes from within. a matter of intrinsic VS extrinsic. but you never know when long-term extrinsic could slowly crept its way into the intrinsic side. and with the readings i had from human motivation some sems back, there are different levels in btw the extremes. so, i'm just simplifying the situation here with just a binary.

i'm not sure how good am i at teaching, cuz i only taught them solutions. but never did motivate. even if i did, it's bare minimal, like "come on, you can do this." so when the kid is not motivated to learn, i become disheartened. but when he/she is motivated, i'm motivated myself. so basically i'm just letting things go as nature would have depict it, or perhaps more of the environment, rather than asserting force on the kid to bring them to their fullest potential, which i would feel is rather constricted with the 1.5 hrs i have with them, 2 hrs max.

my motivations as a child was nothing more than interest. a bit of achievement-oriented i must say, but that's for subjects like english, chinese, and the stupid science i hated. i even failed once. mathematics is a whole new different story. i would get engaged in it, spend hours looking at questions, trying all sorts of solutions, and if i can't solve, i'll look at the answers and work my way back. if the solutions weren't clear to me, i will try every possible way that i could think of until i get back to the original question, and then spend hours deciphering why is the solution show, why this works and why that didn't. i'll reason my way out, think until i get frustrated, and then get a sense of fulfillment after i finally understand one question. yes, that's mathematics for me. the olympics and new south wales maths test were always of interest to me. even till now.

yet my interest in mathematics has not been a viable choice as a career as i know the advanced level of mathematics test on the foundations of formulas with messy numbers. which, i cant really think of a job for that except for being a teacher. i like teaching solutions, just not teaching in general.

alright, it's nearly lunch time.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

i chant this when i'm troubled.

my existence don't matter to you,
and so your existence is of nothing to me.
you would not think about me,
and so my thoughts about you are empty.

a couple more times, and maybe i'll sleep.
a couple more times, and maybe i'll forget.
a couple more times, and maybe this fastasy will end.

Friday, September 9, 2011

a sense of this-is-going-nowhere

it has probably happened a few times in the recent mid-sems.
this weird sense of ?
the feeling of being lost in the open sea.
something that i like to avoid feeling with all the possible events that i could fill my days with.
but in my final year,
this feeling got much stronger than before.
apart from the feeling of "i'm not doing anything about my studies",
i'm also not doing anything in my life.

well, guess i better start somewhere.
this life ain't going live itself.

anyway,
it's been a while since i had a phone conversation that long.
and my phone battery was nearly gone towards the end.

the fact that i didn't really like talking on the phone was quite a huge question mark to me.
i don't really know why, but perhaps it's been so long since i've chatted on the phone, it becomes something that i naturally avoid.

oh shitz, that reminds me i forgot to call someone. damn it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

meet-up with army dudes

it's a dinner with the army dudes to send QM off for another year.
stayed in school for 6 hours after the fyp meeting with prof in which i basically talked crap that she probably wasn't really interested in.
did nothing much in that 6 hours.
searched the sch for places to sleep after lunch.
went to chat with a friend, and i think i wasted quite a bit of her studying time in school becuz of my continuous talking. haha.. need to take note of it next time.
found a nice place to doze off in the cool and wind evening, which is at the garden-like platform outside the labs on the 3rd floor of my school. i think i lay there for like 1-2 hours just lying down, looking at the blue sky with clouds just floating by.

one thing that amazed me was the things that i see.
there are always some black spots in my vision.
not that significant, but i know it's there.
today, i discovered something more.
when i looked at the blue sky, i can actually see a lot of things just speeding around space. i know it's my eyes, not the external world. but it seemed so real. like i could visualize atoms or molecules bombarding in our world. it's either pretty cool, or perhaps my eyes for problem. haha...

and even though i slept nearly 3 hours in sch, i'm tired now -_-

here's something interesting about chinese lyrics that i saw online which was kinda cool.

蔡依林 【倒带】         周杰伦 【彩虹】

你累积给的伤害我是真的很难释怀  释怀说了太多就成真不了
宁愿没出息求我别离开       你要离开我知道很简单
我想依赖             你说依赖
我们面前太多阻碍         是我们的阻碍
你的手却放不开          就算放开但能不能别没收我的爱
而你总是太晚才明白        当作我最后才明白

similar? haha..

Sunday, September 4, 2011

韩庚-心疼·笔记本 MV



a very nice soothing song of a rather sad love story.

today didn't spend a second on fyp.
went out to meet the ACCOP rapporteurs for lunch, just yy and yl.
had quite a long chat over kenny rogers. mostly about crappy stuffs.
yy's in prison, yl just got attached not long ago in a long dist r/s.
well, i'm just nuaing through life, still. haha..

wrote some words using that glowing ink bottle that i had on the side of my desk.
took me quite a while to get those chinese characters done.
looks ugly, but still like it. haha..

don't know whether to sleep or to continue doing data entry.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

an almost nothing-day

a nothing-day; a day spent doing nothing that is relevant to work/sch or life.
woke up at 11+ to my mum asking me what i want for lunch.
played some pools last night and came back home to stare at the monitor till 2+.
had some weird dreams i supposed, but i can't really remember them.
got up feeling tired and aching, probably due to playing kinect on mon.
yes, my body still ache from that stupid volleyball kinect game in which the strength and speed of swinging your arm doesn't really matter becuz the kinect can only detect that much speed. in reality, i would have probably score a dozen times with those smacks i made. but then again, in reality, i probably would have missed a lot of balls also. haha..

went to school just to manage the psych society elections.
had some small chats with the applicants just before they went for the interviews.
somehow had dinner with one of them after her interview.
had quite a chat during dinner.

feeling tired. time to sleep.
an almost nothing-day.
except i bought my neuropsych txtbk; the only txtbk i need ot buy this sem. swee~

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

有种朋友,很喜欢.. 但就是不能追..

【男生说:】

有种女生让我很喜欢,
却不忍动情..

跟那种女生在一起时,
会有种温暖的感觉,
那感觉并不出自一时的冲动,
而是来自于彼此心灵的了解..

真的,跟那种女生在一起时,
只有彼此心中的感动和心灵的交会,
没错,
当你发现她的心和你是如此贴近时,
常会想给她个结实的拥抱,
但仅仅在这个想法萌生后的一瞬间..

你们只会相视一笑,
有些东西是比爱情更珍贵的。
这种女生当女朋友是种浪费..

我害怕她做的我女朋友后,
我必须每天守着电话等着她的声音出现,
我害怕我必须说些花言巧语的话哄她,
更加害怕现实的束缚,
会限制住纯洁的心..

这种女生,
喜欢,
但我不会动情,
或者,
这就叫红颜知己 或者 蓝颜..

既不用为情所困,
为她的行为控制自己喜怒哀乐,
又能享有心灵上的交流。
有很多人都为交不到女朋友所苦,
但我觉得,
假如没有了这种知己,
人生,
便多了许多遗憾..


【女生说:】

有一些男生,
很令我动心,但却不会动情..

怎么说呢,
因为他们给我的感觉像朋友,真正的朋友 。
我可以和他们很坦诚的谈论彼此的爱情、婚姻、人生..
以及种种的烦恼..

在他们面前,
我会忘记自己是女生,
就不会撒娇、嫉妒、小心眼..

我和他们各站在天平的两端,
我们可以一同看电影、郊游回来,
在车站挥挥手,各自去等自己的车,走自己的路。
这种感觉..

是一种很难用语言能形容的愉悦..
信不信 ,
跟这些男生相处在一起,
甚至比跟同类的女生相处来的愉快。
女生的聚会,是黏稠稠的,
像一锅浓粥,温暖在胸,
但是吃多了会撑,一眨眼又饿,
而且很多女生都为情所困,
谈来谈去总是心有千千结,
别人管也管不完..

跟这些男生相处,
我很惊讶..
他们不必从文字、故事的迷林披荆斩棘,
就能一眼洞穿人生的奥秘,
甚至开始为旁边的同行者掌灯,
能结交有智慧、理想与热情的朋友,
是人一生莫大的幸福吧..

我是这样着迷于他们高贵的气质,
也感谢他们把我当「朋友」看待,
不因为我是女生,
就随便说些甜言蜜语来哄我,
或者根本不睬我..

如果
追求人生的伴侣也必须如此相知相惜,
那我实在「舍不得」把这些男生当成男朋友..
我害怕一旦变成男女朋友,
我就会计较他不送我回家..
他不说些好听的动心话..
他宁可送我「尼采与上帝」也不送一粒巧克力..
我还担心从此他只要我乖乖的陪在一旁,
微笑地看他在众人间侃侃而谈,
我发问的机会都没有..


【男女之间,其实不只有爱情.. 】

有种友情,是只可会意不可言传的。
彼此之间有种惺惺相惜的感觉,
不必害怕别人的误会,
因为彼此心中坦荡,
很喜欢这种“兄弟” 或 “姐妹”之称的友谊..

这种朋友有种信赖的安全感,
可以肆无忌惮的说笑,
天马行空的胡扯,
彼此之间没有包袱,
但有种珍惜,
是对友谊的珍惜..

你也许会对他(她) 撒娇,
但不会妒忌他(她) 对别人也如此,
不用再他面前装做淑女..(或不用在她面前装做绅士),
有种朋友即使很久没见也不会生疏,
相见时的相视一笑,
便会有种心有灵犀的感觉,
和他(她) 在一起时,
不必担心会背叛你,
因为他只会给你默默地支持..

即使你受伤了,
他也会给你做坚强的后盾。
心情不好时,
他(她) 会装傻逗你笑..

生病时,
他(她) 会叮嘱你要小心什么的..

每逢特别节日时,
他(她) 会发一条简信祝福你,
很多人都希望有这种友谊,
因为它不需要负担与责任,
我想这种友谊也要讲机缘吧,
友谊也需要关心、谅解、信任。

Thursday, August 25, 2011

someone's first choice

was watching this popular hongkong drama about family ties, named 家好月圆。 it's about a father who divorced his wife and married another woman, but discovered his mistake. it's a rather big family, with a combined number of 7 children, 5 from the first wife, 1 adopted, 1 from the second wife with her previous husband. there're quite a few couples inside the drama, but the story of one particular couple strikes me the most.

it was the guy who was nicknamed steward boy, son of the man, and the daughter of the second wife with her previous husband, Yu Su qiu. i like her name, cuz got 秋. haha..su

anyway, the love story between them began when they were young. it was a mutual feeling since then. but somehow, they didn't get together. eventually she became a doctor, but he remained just a cake baker in her mother's shop. not sure why, becuz i didn't really watch in the beginning, but both of them didn't get together. soon after, a male doctor came into the picture and she got together with him. though steward boy was sad, but he didn't avoid her, while keeping his feelings deep inside. the two doctors subsequently broke up due to some issues; he left to find his ex without explanation. suqiu was left heartbroken and steward boy comforted her along the way. both of them eventually got together, but suddenly broke up again when the male doctor came back.

alright, that was a long descriptive background. but the whole story kinda brings the question in love. if you're not someone's first choice, are you still willing to be with the person? on the pretext that he/she would leave you at the first instance that his/her first choice return? or on a milder case, he/she got together with you, because his/her first choice is unavailable; married, dead, or just disappeared. the question is, will you accept such a situation? to live with the knowledge that you're somehow 'second class' in her world of love. their first choice is not you, but your first choice is them. could you live with that?

then the next question that came into my mind was this, is there really a first/second/third choice in love? people, or as i envisioned it, says that love is a combination of destiny/opportunity, and the courage to pursue it, take action. there and then, when they say i love you, and i say i love you, we are each other's first choice. or maybe, in love, there shouldn't even be talks about choices. or rather, it's not you are my first choice, it should be i choose you, and you choose me.

but well, the drama ended, and the couple had a happy ending because the getting back together with the male doctor was a scheme to trick her mum. in the end, she still love and marry steward boy.

back to work then. earning $0.35 per entry. sighz.

Oh ya, was dreaming that I was a detective.
Probably influenced by the forensic lecture. Haha..

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

dreaming lately

been having dreams lately.
it wasn't those dreams that occur when i wake up, then go back to sleep again.
those dreams are usually kinda bad, cuz probably my brain is forcing my body to wake up.
the recent dreams were different.
they were part of the normal routine of sleeping.
and it's only recently that i started to dream, or perhaps remember my dreams when i wake up.

here's a funny, weird dream that i just had today.
it kinda involved me and a particular female friend whom i fancied before. don't rmb the beginning much, but i supposed we were having a good time together. it felt like we were in a relationship. anyway, after that, the scene somehow switched to me and my ex. we decided to catch a movie, and strangely enough, we were in a place which was freezing cold. she was wearing those sweater with a hood. i went to the toilet, but when i came back, she was missing. so i ran all over the place to look for her. in the end, i found that she was dead at the same old freezing place. the thought of murder came into my mind, but there was no blood. but her, frozen, with her eyes open. then soon after, i woke up.

well the story probably ain't as accurate as what i just said, but i tried to formed some sort of links from the fragments of dream which i can barely remember.

it's strange becuz it isn't often that i dream of my ex. and even more weird to dream that she died; perhaps murdered. i was trying to recall whether did i run around again to find the murderer, or just stared at her frozen face till i woke up. sigmund freud would have come up with some great repression of desires that i have, or still have. but i would just brush it off with modern psychology beliefs that dreams are just random neuronal firings. that is, until i dream of her, again.

anyway, i managed to get a part-time assignment doing data entry. tough work, just started today. it isn't just simply entering data. there's a lot of skipping of questions, so entering the data ain't as easy as i thought it would. and damn slow too. 20 entries in an hour. sighz. money hard to earn.

cut my hair short again. feels good~

Monday, August 22, 2011

Fyp

Fyp, something that undergrads are pretty familiar with. Final year project, something needed to be done at the end of the honors year in order to graduate with a smile on their face and tell themselves, as the comm studies valedictorian would say, we fcuking did it~

But for the singles in the final year, it has a double meaning to it. Find your partner. Yup. It's the final year already, if you're single still, it'll be harder to find love in the working society than in school. Doesnt really sound right, but I thought it was kinda true. School actually provides a better love breeding ground than the typical office setting. Just becuz it's school. Haha..

And as for me, I'm single. I'm in final year. Perhaps I should be doing fyp. Now here's the thing I hate the most. For almost any decent girls that i see on the streets or get to know, I just automatically think of how it would be like for her to be together with me. Would it be nice? Would it be sweet? Would it last? Don't like to admit this, but this automatic thought processing has been going on for more than a while. And I can't stop it. Doesn't sound really normal, but that's just how things are for me, and probably some other guys too. I doubt I'm the only guy having this 'problem'.

It bugs me. Not becuz I think it's not right, but becuz then I would doubt my true intentions. Is there no friends making anymore without the pretext of a potential get together? If i don't think she's right for me from the start, would we even be friends? Seriously, doubt so.

Well, that's life for now. Fyp.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

feel like playing mmorpg again

but my laptop specs is too low for most games nowadays for them to run smoothly.
sighz.
well, at least it deters me from playing games and studying, or procrastinating by watching videos and other things.

time to save some money to buy a new desktop so i can play games!
and i wonder if i would be able to play games when i enter the working world.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

feeling the sickness

as much as i want to deny the slow fact that i'm falling ill, perhaps from walking under the drizzle yesterday, my condition is failing at the moment even though i'm popping my old pills from previous visits to the doc.

it's weird.
usually when i fall sick, the symptoms come much faster than this slowpoke fashion of torment.
i feel old, so much so that even falling sick is turning slower.
have i gained the ability to slow time? and even biological processes?

it's the 2nd week of school.
fyp not settled, tml meeting prof.
no idea what to do, no idea what to say.
i'm as screwed up as any ignorant idiot.

i know i can't go on this way.
for life, ain't meant to be like wandering souls on the streets.
yet for me, the clueless path ahead kept me from moving forward.
i'm stuck. i'm trapped in this spiral of non-life that seemed to surrounds those who doesn't strive.

hope tml i can still wake up and go to sch.
cuz i think this illness is here to stay.
and i still hate the fact that everytime i'm ill,
i wish i could feel the comfort of another.
even more, i'm reminded of the time i refused to tell her about it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Still thinking

It's beginning to suffocate me.
The thoughts, the memories, the emotions, once again.
They did fade along the years, but return anyway.
I don't want to ask myself why, becuz the answer might just make it worse.
hide it deep inside, and hide it well.
For even now, the image of you eats me alive in the dark
Your sweetness that kills, your smile that mesmerizes
It's a secret, but I want everything back.

Perhaps among the many reasons and excuses not to hide my sorrows,
Is i can't find a good reason to put it all behind
Is a shoutout to others i still miss you
Is the fact that I'm still thinking, abt you.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

batam trip

it's a short 2D1N getaway to batam for this weekend.
bumped into my cousin at the ferry terminal. coincidentally, we both got the same deal. haha..

was a pretty relaxing trip.
started off with a ferry ride, then a short bus ride to the resort.
after checking in, we took the resort shuttle into town.
it kinda started to rain heavily along the way.
i was sitting at the back of the bus, and suddenly saw drops of water falling from the top. couldn't blame anything else but bad luck for that.
shopped for a while, then massage. it was a long, but felt short, 2 hours massage.
first time, and it didn't really feel that great after the massage.
dinner at some seafood place, not bad.
went back resorts, drank some, played some, and only slept some. haha..
breakfast, wandering around, then we were back.
short trip.

somehow got to know that she's probably single now, given that she broke up a month or two ago. and even as i constantly remind myself that it is not possible, it's still in my mind since. but, thou shall not fear. as she would probably get someone soon, and my concern of this matter will rest once more.

i'm not afraid to do it again.
but she's not her-ed.
and i'm not me-ed.
but if we're different now, would the end be different then?
i listen to the sounds of destiny and try to make sense of opportunities.
but to filter the noise from the sounds, i have lots to learn.

tired. and thinking. and hating to know i have a chance, but no guts to try.

Friday, August 12, 2011

ideal vs reality

after my FP lect, we 4 guys went for dinner and had quite a chat at the canteen, mostly about girls. one of them commented that he's not sure whether he wanna marry his gf or not. he loves her, but he knows she's not the ideal girl that he wants. that's why he's having second thoughts. or is it, first thoughts?

i always have the idea that reality will always lose out to ideal, for ideal, is the same as perfection. practise makes perfect, but nothing is perfect. in reality, you can only go that near to perfection. and who is to say, that one's measure of perfection would change as time goes by? maybe now, having a good figure is a plus plus. maybe later on, knowing how to cook is a plus plus more than just cup size.

reminded me of a story that i read somewhere on net before.
it's about a boy, who was told to walk through the garden, and pick up the most beautiful flower. sounds easy? now here's the deal, the little boy can only pick up one flower, and he can only walk thru the garden once. so if he chose this particular one and pick it up along the way, he can no longer choose anymore.

as the boy walked thru the garden, he saw a pretty one that stood out among the rest. but he thought to himself, maybe there's one that is prettier down the road. so he continued on. true enough, a prettier one came along. but, the same thought came to mind again. he continued his one-way journey. this goes on and on, until he came to the end of the garden, but surprisingly, with a flower in his hand.

this is an analogy to what happen in our life. time only flow in one direction; we can only grow older. as we live thru our lives, there would be people coming in and out. some will catch our eyes, most will not. and for those who did capture our attention, how do we know who is the best partner for us? will there be someone better in future, who will cross our path, fall in love with us, and then live happily together? no one knows for sure.

of cuz this is just simplifying the whole situation of finding your partner. there are certainly other factors that play a part in the big picture. the commitment towards one another, the amount of time together, family influence, etc.

but the main message i'm trying to get at, at least for myself, is that love is part destined, part 'decisioned'. i meet a girl, i fall in love with her - destiny. but to finally settle down, propose to her, get married, try not to look at other girls, start a family, have kids with her - 'decisioned'.

maybe becuz i haven't met a girl that makes me go so crazy that i don't even have to decide on anything. perhaps then it's all natural, all pre-destined. well, i'm just waiting patiently, like today at the stupid clinic which mentioned 45 min waiting time and i waited for more than 1.5 hrs.

friday's here. no lessons, and looking forward to batam.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Waiting patiently

Today's a rather good day.
I'm in school clinic, Fullerton health care, waiting for my medical checkup. It's a must for those taking sports modules. Initially I thought the consultation would be free, or at least cheap, it turns out to be $26.75. -_-. quite expensive eh? But after that I reasoned to myself that this is not just a regular consultation, but an examination of my current fitness status, with a physical cert in the end to testify that. Maybe I should do another sports module next sem. Haha.. since the cert is valid for 1 year.

Anyway, before now, I managed to make an arrangement with a stranger in school to do a swap of modules. He wanted my maths, I wanted his forensics. Kinda exciting when we both dropped and then added back the module. Lucky nobody intercepted our trade. Finally, FORENSICS! and that's why today's a good day.

Except for the fact that I'm stuck at the medical centre, waiting. And I got a late lecture later till 8.30pm. It's more of the hungry part that I'm upset abt than the late timings.

This weekend would be spent at batam, or is it somewhere else? Haha.. Don't know, don't care. Just know that I'm going for a short getaway this weekend and enjoy myself at the beach with the breeze~~

Well, I can sense my number approaching.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

morning excitement

didn't feel as shitty as last night.
woke up with a better mood.

the excitement came when the module i was waiting for suddenly have slots for 10 more ppl. "YES!",i thought i would have a chance. the add/drop period starts at 1000hrs. i did preparations; calibration of time...

At 1000hrs sharp, i clicked.
then the disappointment came.
damn it, i'm a final year student.
give me the module.

so as i began camping on the second day, i started to find music to add on to my current playlist. here's an old song which i really like, but wasn't very popular.

Restless

I don't know what got over me today. Somehow, I don't feel okay. Maybe im getting sick, I'm not sure. But something has been bothering me the whole day, yet I can't figure out what is it that's causing me to feel irritated, annoyed, uncomfortable, restless.

Could it be the anxiety from being in my final year? Perhaps subconsciously I buried my anxiety and fear deep but now my body has troubles containing it? Is it becuz today was spent unproductively at home doing nothing? Was I expecting something to happen? Am I getting too annoyed by the knowledge that my friends are going to start missing me out becuz I'm not on good terms with a friend of theirs? Or is it that I'm currently hungry yet there is no food? Or is it the stupid weather?

Damn it.
If only I knew what's wrong with me today.
Perhaps I'm really falling sick.

An old friend went into the real estate industry after graduating with an engineering degree. Got me thinking, why? Becuz of money? What makes one deviates from one's academic interests? What's keeping you on, or off tracks? Am I still considering pilot, or am I set on going for it? Life's crossroads, interesting to see others' hate it when it comes to me.

Lying in bed trying to catch some sleep before waking up tml for.. Hmm.. Nothing much.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Suddenly, fear.

Was on my way to town for a dinner and movie with some of my psych friends when a man standing in the middle of the open area near the station handed me a copy of what I thought was a regular free newspaper. However, the first sight of the cover gave this belief away. It was not news, just holidays package advertisements. And there's my interest, going on holidays, being in a whole new place and exploring, seeing new things.. And so began my reading on the train as I travelled down to town.

The places they introduced were more than nice. the beaches, the amazing sightseeing, the cool weather... As I imagined how it would be like if I'm traveling to these places, a sudden wave of fear came over and swept me off my daydreaming. Why? One may ask. It's the future.

As I wonder what my future will be, I know it's probably the case of me being trapped in the norms, or perhaps the necessity of life. Which is work, work, and work. With a working life in place, can i go away as easily as I can now? Would I be trapped? Would I be strangled? Chained, shackled, locked? It's a bit frightening to think that my life would be restricted as such. Freedom lost, choices limited, forced. I can't take a break whenever I want. I can't go on a long holiday if I so desired. I can't travel for a year or so, come back, and still have my old job.

Maybe both my current s3 and supervisor were right about me being the anti-organizational type. It's just I haven't realize it myself. No wonder autonomy is part of what employees want on their job. Without it, it's like someone holding my arms and legs and then yelling into my ear, WORK WORK WORK.

It's been rather hard typing all this on a phone. And since I'm reaching my stop soon too, shall stop my random thoughts typing. Besides, i don't feel as afraid as just now. The pretty girl that is sitting opp me is quite a comforting distraction. Hahaha..

Thursday, August 4, 2011

holidays

yet it feels so normal.
like i've been living like this for quite some time.
but it has only been a couple of days.

did almost nothing today.
shifted my heavy, double-mattress queen size bed around the room to find my dart that was lost underneath it before my exams, which means nearly 3 months ago. haha...
arranged the things on my little drawer. felt like doing my desk but it's too much work, and i was hungry for dinner.
finished up my reports and emailed my supervisor for review; just replied.

well, basically life has been pretty boring and monotone for the past few days. except maybe yesterday. went to school to pass douglas sylvia's intern report. had dinner at jp with karen. if i'm not wrong, it's the first we have ever been alone. anyway, nice dinner, and then nice desserts; ice-cream at anderson's. let's see if i still rmb the flavours... macademia something... rum something... and belgium chocolate. only liked the belgium chocolate. only like chocolate. haha..

school is beginning again.
i would thus bring myself, or hype myself in preparation for the incoming stress of dealing with my final year project. especially when at now, the school haven't allocate the professor to me yet, so i know nothing of what i'm gonna do for the next 1 year or so.

then i would also have to pressure myself into reading books about flying. the decision to become a pilot draws nearer and nearer.. is it something that i really want? or cuz i would love to travel, and also earn good money.. but i'm not sure flying is my primary interest, and if not, would it really affect?

there are many things that isn't my primary interest, but still i excel in them, provided i don't hate the subject, but grow to like it more after studying them. it so begins the random thoughts in my mind...

i once saw an article about an asian mum who mentioned that in order to gain interest in a subject, the kid must be able to excel in it first. the example, real-life, was her own daughter learning the piano. she wasn't really into piano at first. like most, piano isn't the most natural thing to play when you first touch the keys. and as most asian parents do (here i should say, it's stereotyped) in the western countries, they push their kids towards excellence. by being strict, fierce, inflicting pain as necessary, they get their kids to 'learn'. the result of her daughter turned out be rather positive, as she starts to enjoy piano after she got better and better.

it's actually something similar to nature or nurture concept.
allow in-depth learning when interests was expressed, or forced it upon and eventually they will grow to like it.
i actually agree with both.
of cuz the most ideal case is having the interests present first, more of the instrinsically motivation.
but i can't deny that forcing it on the child, making him/her gain proficiency first regardless of interests, would perhaps cause the child to start liking it in future when he/she is performing. a higher proficiency allows a person to get into the 'flow' better, which in turn drives the next cycle of doing it.
so which is true? or which is more true?
which happens more often?
or which should happen more often?
does it matter if they're asians or not?

many questions, but very little answers.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

towards the end

it's around 1.5 weeks left to the end of my internship. as the day draws nearer, the feeling of the inevitable separation from my new found friends grew stronger and stronger. through this not so long, but also not too short period of 2 months plus, we've build a bond strong enough to bullshit each other infront of their faces. as much as i want to hold on to this bunch of friends, i knew a few who are flying overseas once this is over. and to the rest who stayed, would our bond as fellow interns stay? i wonder, and i hope.

anyway, nowadays we have a habit of bitching on anyone who is not around our big brown table. it's a bitching fest whenever we talk.

plus, somehow i managed to piss off h.l. this morning when i jokingly asked her to stand to give up her seat since she's not eating. i remembered i smile while saying that, but she took it kinda seriously and went up to the office from the canteen.

a friend seeked consolation from me recently, in which i couldn't do much to help. oh well...

today played badminton at juz's condo place with ly, sy, hl, sher, juz and me. i was playing a fool most of the time and didn't really play seriously. still, it was a very enjoying experience. it's not the game, it's the company. although a good game would probably keep me more engaged. haha... thereafter, we had dinner at IKEA. first time eating there, nice~

dozing off already. time to sleep.

Monday, July 18, 2011

running out of time

left with one day to pack my stuffs for reservist, finalize my course registration plans, and do a 1-page literature review on topic of choice for fyp and then send in a proposal to hong.

graduation project... can i graduate without it? and let my 2nd upper just drop to 2nd lower, live with that and enjoy life? but i guess getting frustrated over the things in life, is part of the whole package when i was borned.

my desk lamp is giving off this constant vibrating noise that's irritating the hell out of me. i'm gonna buy a new one when this 2-weeks reservist is over.

should i just slack until mon and go in camp, without giving a damn about my grad project? hahaha... that will be kinda nice. but the thought of doing qualitative meta-analysis... -_-" i should start writing some stuffs on it now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Scorpioz

天蝎座性格最精确的解析


一、朋友多 & 孤独

“有很多的朋友,可是“看似朋友很多,知心的却没有几个。”——这句话很深刻的形容了天蝎。

▪♡▪ 天蝎很能说话,他们跟别人可以天南地北的聊,可以聊得很八卦,也会聊一些很严肃的话题,比如今天又有某个明星怎样怎样了;隔壁班有多少美女帅哥;今年服饰的 流行趋势之类的…… 可是注意了,他们都只是跟你聊一些不关自己的事——随便他们跟你说些什么,可是跟自己有关的都只是些皮毛而已。关于自己的事,他们几乎是不说的,就算说, 也是说一些跟自己无关痛痒的事。当你想更进一步的了解天蝎,他们便会很自然的把话题给扯开。

▪♡▪ 天蝎很自信,同时他们又很没有安全感。这是天蝎特有的矛盾。他们喜欢把自己重重包围住,不让自己暴露——对于天蝎来说,如果在一个还不了解的人面前把自己暴露了,就等于让别人抓住了自己的把柄,这样就失去了一定的优势。

▪♡▪ 当天蝎感到独孤悲伤时,只会一个人躲在房间里哭,或一个人郁闷着。天蝎也很怕被伤害,很多时候宁愿自己承受一切也不愿被别人抓住自己的把柄。所以,久而久之也就养成了习惯。

▪♡▪ 天蝎基本上也是个很痛苦的人。表面上总是很有活力,很快乐的样子,可是没人的时候他们又总是很忧伤。天蝎总会被一种莫名的悲伤笼罩,但他们不会让别人发现。 他们怕被伤害,也怕被别人抛弃,只能自己硬挺着一切。所以天蝎很神经质、精神脆弱、容易人格分裂,因为承受了太多的东西。

▪♡▪ 一般来说天蝎的孩子都很早熟。他们对很多的东西都在乎得要命,可是表面上就是看起来什么都不在乎。天蝎并不是故意要掩饰自己——上面说过,这已经是一种习惯了。可是在外人看来,他们便成了虚伪的人。


二、花心 & 冷酷无情

▪♡▪ 天蝎是被众人所公认的最花心、最冷酷无情的星座。其实对于天蝎的花心,真的不想再说些什么了,解释得太多,累了,也没耐心了。

▪♡▪ 可是说起天蝎,就不得不提感情。天蝎这一生,似乎注定被感情牵绊,跟爱情纠缠一世。

▪♡▪ 很多人说天蝎并不花心,只是博爱,所以才会有那么好的人缘。忘了在哪里看见了这样的一句话:天蝎最大的悲哀在于有两个人的思想,却只有一个人的身体。天蝎有 爱自己所爱的人的权利,也有保护彼此所爱的人的义务,天蝎只剩下一个时,爱也就只剩下义务了。我想用一句话给天蝎的花心做个总结:花心的极端就是痴心的可 怕。该懂的人应该会懂。

▪♡▪ 至于冷酷无情真的不知道该从何说起……其实天蝎是最平和的星座,可以不发生的冲突,都会尽量避免。天蝎也很少跟人吵架,他们讨厌吵架,若是因为一些生活上的琐碎小事吵架,那么天蝎就在吵完的那一刻就会把这件事给忘了。

▪♡▪ 倘若天蝎真的跟你翻脸,除非是你的所作所为或所说的话让天蝎实在不能再忍受。这时他们会很鄙视的看你一眼,然后头也不回地走掉——有时甚至会不给你留面子地 离开。那时恐怕你一辈子也别想再和他们和好——就算有的天蝎碍于面子与你再成为朋友,但是他们对你已经鄙视到了极点,只不过维持着这一层不得不维持的“朋 友”关系而已。


三、完美 & 简单

▪♡▪ 天蝎总是在追求着完美。当他们在某一时刻的做法起了争议时,虽然当时内心很跃然,可事后会不断的反思,直到心里想出完美的解决方法后才肯让自己休息。

▪♡▪ 天蝎也总是喜欢去做一些别人不会、不敢去做的事,他们并不是想显示自己或怎样,或许只是因为好玩。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的想法通常是很简单很单纯的。当他们做了某件事之后,人们就会认为他们就是那个样子了…… 天蝎会很潇洒的说不被人了解很好,也懒得去解释——因为就算解释也不一定有人会了解,可是内心却非常希望别人能够支持。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的内心极端的敏感,即便是过了很久,也会记得别人的一句话或一个眼神,因为他们时刻在检讨自己,时刻在追求自身的完美。

▪♡▪ 在面对这个与自己的理想不相符的世界时,天蝎有太多的无奈,所以他们也总是在逃避。用逃避来面对事情,似乎也成为了天蝎的又一个习惯。不到紧要关头,绝对不 会放下自尊。即使在喜欢的人面前,他们也表现得默然,因为他们不知如何去引领这个人进入他们的心里面。他们本来就是内心极其矛盾的人,他们希望自己是完美 优秀的,总想把自己最好的一面拿给别人看。

天蝎是非常向往自由的,可是内心也在崇尚着某个方向,天蝎很反复的内心世界在成长的日子里没人能体会。如此一来,天蝎就更矛盾了……在崩溃的边缘,没办法发泄,天蝎只能笑。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的笑很纯净,天蝎笑起来也很调皮。其实天蝎本来就是个很简单的人,任何的心计都只会弄巧成拙。


四、聪明 & 反复无常

▪♡▪ 天蝎一般都有个聪明的脑袋,跟其他的孩子比起来,天蝎似乎是很有优势的。所以,天蝎在幼年时,一般都很骄傲,有飞扬跋扈、不可一世的态度。

▪♡▪ 天蝎也自认比别人聪明,他们常常会用自己的标准去要求别人。天蝎凡事都有自己的标准和原则。天蝎没耐心,这是人们所共知的:你自己的事情自己解决,不懂的话去学去想。让他们把话再重复一遍,或许他们还可以保持绅士风度,若要让他们重复第三遍的话……

▪♡▪ 都说天蝎反复无常。最典型的一个画面就是:当所有的人都在很开心的大笑时,天蝎会突然沉默,然后独自一人走开……明明上一刻还很开心,下一刻就成了一副死鱼脸。

▪♡▪ 在上面有说到,天蝎经常会被莫名的悲伤笼罩。当这种悲伤排山倒海的压向天蝎时,他们真的会不知所措。不知该如何表达发泄出来,只能自己默默忍受。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的想法变得很快,总有很多鬼主意。可如果让天蝎一直呆在一个枯燥无聊的环境中,久而久之,天蝎便会失去自身原有的光泽,变得很平庸,没有想法、没有个性。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的思想也很有弹性,没有绝对的黑白之分。在评断事务时,不会主观地决定善恶黑白。因此,这样使天蝎的想法具有通融性,但这种弹性的思考有时会招致“意见模棱两可”的批评。

▪♡▪ 天蝎座的人才华横溢,拥有自由的思想和英明的决断力。不喜欢在一处久留,不会义无反顾地投入到某件事中。言语行动通常恰到好处,厌倦单调和枯燥的环境。如果能够利用意志力把自身的多种矛盾因素拧成一股力量,可将自身的优势发挥得淋漓尽致。

▪♡▪ 天蝎作为风相星座,就如同星相里面讲的那样,做事风风火火随意性大,通常是想到什么就去做什么,然而一段时间后又失去了兴趣……这个可能就是人们通常所说的“三分钟热度”吧。

天蝎是个比任何星座都怕寂寞的星座,天蝎的他(她)不能忍受一个人无聊的打发时间,更不能忍受一个人去吃饭。

▪♡▪ 天蝎又是一个忍耐力超强的星座,即使他(她)内心有多么的痛苦,他(她)也不会随便告诉别人,除非是天蝎的他(她)认定了你是值得信赖的,能够帮助他(她)的人,才能知晓他(她)内心深处的一些东西。

▪♡▪ 天蝎天生就是个矛盾的星座,他(她)通常会以乐天的姿态出现在公众或朋友的面前,给人留下的就是玩世不恭的印象。然而,一旦天蝎一个人的时候,自己内心的秘密才会通过感觉被表达出来。不是说天蝎虚伪,而是天蝎的性格决定了他(她)们的行为。

▪♡▪ 看了很多星相,也听很多人说过,天蝎就是花心的代名词:天蝎对待爱情就象对待游戏,爱情的游戏,他们百玩不厌,并且花样层出不穷。其实这个观点是非常愚蠢 的。12个星座中我想多少都有一些人是花心的吧?就象社会里也有一部分是坏人,不能这么一概而论。或许说此话的人的运气不好,正巧遇到了个花心的天蝎,可 这并能不代表所有天蝎都是花心的!

▪♡▪ 其实,很大一部分天蝎,对待感情是非常专一的。之所以给人留下“花心”的美名,是因为很少有人能够让略带童心的天蝎动真感情。不是天蝎铁石心肠,而是天蝎个 性里面天生有一些忧郁与一些潜在的不自信,只是天蝎隐藏的很深入。一旦让天蝎动了真感情,那么恭喜你了,天蝎的天真、率直,外加丰富的表达能力,一定能让 你获得很多快乐!


每个天蝎都有一个故事隐藏在心里,而且多数是不堪回首的往事。

▪♡▪ 天蝎是个念旧,又或者可以说是喜欢沉浸在回忆中的星座。他(她)的故事通常都是因情所困,动了感情而被伤害了的天蝎是脆弱的,也是坚强的。他(她)可以很快 的振作起来,可以当做什么事都没有发生,这些都只是天蝎演给世人看的罢了……等到夜深人静的时候,天蝎内心的伤痛随着血液渗透到全身,他(她)可以用一整 夜去回忆之前所发生的点点滴滴;可以一整夜都沉浸在痛苦之中;可以一整夜坐在那里发呆……但是,一旦天亮了,要出去见人了,天蝎马上便会从痛苦中抽身而走 ——你看到的肯定是一个神采奕奕的天蝎。

▪♡▪ 这就是天蝎,拥有双重性格的天蝎,一个在世人面前乐天、快乐,在孤独夜晚独自伤悲的天蝎。

▪♡▪ 我想,接触过天蝎的人都知道,他们是很会搞气氛的星座,只要有天蝎出现的地方就绝对不会缺少快乐。

▪♡▪ 天蝎是个把快乐带给别人,把悲伤留给自己的星座,请不了解天蝎的人不要再给天蝎扣上“花心”之类的帽子。不过你硬要扣也无所谓~花心就花心,这就是天蝎——自信、乐天、率直、忧郁。

▪♡▪ 天蝎的爱是最永恒的,可以付出一切。

▪♡▪ 有人说我们花心,那只是我们没有真正的爱。当天蝎爱上一个人的时候是痛苦的。因为我们太敏感。

▪♡▪ 假如天蝎爱上了一个不爱自己的人,那么我相信他(她)永远都不会再爱了。当爱给过了一个人,他(她)便再没有能力再付出。

▪♡▪ 其实太多的人都不懂我们,其实有时连我们自己都不懂自己。我们很会伪装、很会说谎,但我们最细腻,对感情最敏感。

Monday, July 11, 2011

just don't get some ppl

suddenly received a sms greetings from an old friend.
at first i was delighted, but later on i became a bit annoyed.
after a few exchange of sms, she stopped and that's it.
i was left hanging there with a question.

it kinda seemed like the msg wasn't just a simple random greeting, but an initiation of her invite to an impt event of hers. and when i mentioned i wouldn't be able to make it, there wasn't a reply.

is it becuz the main aim of the msg, as i've guessed, is the invite?
or is she too busy with stuffs to handle a friend's sms?
but if so, then, as the originator of that sms, i guess i'm playing quite a small role.
i admit, that's true.
but still doesn't feel good.

i came up with this to reply her greetings.

~life is like a box of chocolates; it's only sweet when the bitterness are gone.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

can i forget my hurt and confide in you

i asked myself this today.
and as i talked to an old friend today, i felt i shouldn't keep too much of my emotions to myself.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

11 days and out

by far the longest in-camp training i had since ord. but also, the one with the least intensity yet. probably cause the focus was more on the other companies than mine.

well, the whole ict was rather fulfilling for me. not so much of the work that was done during this period, but meeting up with friends, new and old. although it is a males-only environment, it's not that bad. haha..

having a weird feeling right now. it seemed that someone that i was close to, and liked before, might be dating again. suddenly this jealousy feeling just boiled up in me. and with all curiosity, i have to ask, why?

the first question to ask myself is naturally, do i still have feelings for her? and the obvious answer to it is... no. and yes. perhaps it's really in the blood of scorpio; jealousy. haha... or maybe i just need to get it off my mind and that's why i'm penning it down here. it's like if i express it in this way, or any other way, the feeling somehow diffuse away. as if the thoughts become less saturated.

would the effect be in a different direction if i'm writing something that i feel happy about? that the more i write about stuffs that i'm happy about, i would feel happier? or would it be the same way as the unpleasant jealousy that was diluted as i wrote?

it's been a long, and also short, 11 days in camp. away from work, away from feelings, away from thinking too much. that every night it's heaven just to lie on bed and fall asleep, although it's a bit unbearing to know i have no one particular to think about, and no one particular to think of me. even if time could reverse till that period when i was not alone, i wouldn't have the confidence to say that she was thinking of me.

it's fascinating to see myself, looking as if i'm still fixated on the past. is this true? or is it my self-ego's refusal to admit i'm still on the same spot? humans are interesting creatures. one of the most distinguishing feature is the stupidity in each and every one of us. sometimes we act stupid, sometimes we're stupid becuz we were negligent, and sometimes, we're just plain stupid. whether is it from the intellectual pov, or becuz our emotions masked us from being not stupid. when strong emotions come, the electrical message that neurons send somehow bypass the stupidity filter area in the brain and reach other areas of the brain and the muscles, causing us to do stupid things. haha... this would be one hell of research qns.

been receiving personal emails from a special friend. i must say, it makes me feel really good. it's a kind of warmth that this friend gives with her words, which comforts me a little on this lonely night of mine. and although we haven't known each other for long, i find more comfort in her than what most friends give.

tml's work again.
somehow, i feel older. more mature.
not that i wasn't before, but it's like i found something to work towards during this ict.

i have decided to fly.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

nearly giving up

i'm getting more and more anxious as time passes while i can't figure out the implications of the possible results of my research question.

let's say that our eyes could detect micro expressions, in which the eyes movement could be captured by the eye tracker equipment used by the school, yet, our brain did not process the information... so what does that implies? what implications could it have? that things can happen so fast, that even though our eyes could 'see' them, but the brain doesn't?

damn it~!!!

i shall go pack my stuffs for tml and then come back to the computer again later.

stupid blogspot

wrote a short entry yesterday about getting frustrated over the things i have to do before i go for 2-weeks reservist tml... especially my grad project proposal. damn it.

woke up at 8, but refused to face my computer and write my proposal. so i went back to sleep. had quite a weird dream.

was sitting beside a girl, short hair, can't rmb the face but i rmb she was kinda cute. 2 guy sitting opposite of us, supposingly we were all friends. a resturant-like table setting by the window. she was sitting on my right, nearer to the window drawing haru's face (from the anime rave) on a notebook. she was sad because she couldn't draw it well, and somehow when we look out the window, there are drawings of anime (can't rmb what) on the walls in the opposite building across the streets. a guy was sitting under one of the buildings and drawing, presumably he was the expert who drew those. i rmbed i was working on something, probably my proposal (yes, i always dream about doing actual work in my sleep), but i stopped to console her. so it seemed she was my gf as i held her with my right arm around her waist, saying it's alright. then i release my hold, and start to touch her hair. it wasn't those straight kind, some were braided. not black. maybe a bit of blond. she smiled at me, i smiled back. then i forced myself to wake up knowing that i don't have a gf in reality. -_-. haha..

gotta get my proposal done today.

will be away for 2 weeks. maybe will get some rest inside camp. i haven't had a long break yet since exams ended due to the internship...

it's not that bad to experience some intimate closeness with a stranger. becuz it makes me... i don't know, warmth? something that's essentially different from the feeling that parents give. the love that is given to me, in which i reciprocate with my whole heart. although it was a dream, although it wasn't real... i knew i love her.

anyway, the way to remembering dreams is sleeping after you're quite awake. but after that when you wake up, you will probably get a slight headache for oversleeping.