new year eve

played badminton with the usual kakis again, but this time at night.
was fun except a few occasional mishaps whereby i totally missed the shuttle infront of me.
all the while they were saying i got too much patterns already.
can't help it, can't control.
afterwards went out with 3 of them for drinks and some supper.
still find it quite hard to talk to them.

2 years ago. ya. let's see those fireworks again. just not together.

no more

i told myself, no more.
i forbid myseld once more.
i've done it before. i can do it again.

tonight.

tears.

i shed tears today while watching the movie saving private ryan in hall.
my eyes got watery at the start of the movie.
at the end, it kinda overflowed one or two drops.
the grief of the mother. the honour of the captain.
the helplessness in watching your mates died in the continuous outflow of blood.

only when i'm alone i open myself to own emotions.
in itself, it protrays my very weakness as opposed to a strong image.
in overcoming and letting free, it's another type of strength.

aftermath of exams

well well. exams over. i have nothing much to do. although i have a lot to get started on.

been rather restless nowadays. even playing games on the computer seemed frustrating. especially when you keep losing.

went back to my old workplace yesterday. rushed thru 3 reports, had a nice little chate at the end of the day with emma. it's like the qns she always like to ask, "so, you found any girls yet?" what can i say, no chemistry. haha...

a good 60 bucks earned.

a phrase

If i were you,
I'd fall in love with me.

If you were me,
Your hand will be holding yours now.

If. Just if.
But if, what if.

3 days exams

there are times when i know what i'm reading doesn't get into my mind and i probably won't be able to recall them.

henceforth, i'm hoping for a miracle to come out and enlighten me on which points should i really memorise to actually do well for this stupid human resource management. becuz even with the lecturer's hint on where to focuz on, i'm don't even know where to find the points to the hints. how can someone get as upset as me even though they s/u this mod?

restless, i sit before my book and laptop, trying to read things i'm wondering are important or not, write things i'm guessing should be important. if by some strayed path did i end up as a HR personnel in future, i'm blaming it on this.

lunch break

hss library rox. try the toilet, they sprinkle water on your bare butts.

study study study.

i like these critical studying periods.
it's voids me of any other troubles.
gets me looking forward to the break after all the hardwork.
gives me a certain level of satisfaction in attaining a certain proficiency in a particular subject.
makes me smarter, gets me working.

the only thing i don't like abt these periods are,
it's too short.
but the fact remains, if the periods are long and i'm like 2 months away from exams, why would it be critical?

べんじょします

my birthday gifts this year

from 4 ppl!

the first was the quite ridiculous 5 packs of condom from my roomie.

the second was from jane, a small bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label. was quite startled becuz we don't really know each other.

the third was flown from overseas! w.lynn sent a white long sleeve shirt over and a card. last year i got an overseas call to wish me happy birthday. this year i got this. maybe next year i will get an overseas girl.

the fourth was from kris. a card with some 'childish' drawings is more than enough to make my day, any day. =)

of cuz, there's hong bao from wl,dice, hl, sis and my parents.

wow-her.com

Date Profiling Result
Your profile is of type "Natural Beige".
Please remember your colour code is Natural Beige.

Natural Beige Relationships
Warmhearted and gentle
Intensely loving and committal
Seek lifelong relationships
Very private, keep true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others. This may cause them to constantly defer intimate relationships, which may cause problems if others are not sensitive to their feelings
If they are in the habit of not expressing their needs and feelings, they find themselves in situations throughout their life where they feel overlooked or even "tread upon" by others
Highly practical and cynical by nature, these feelings may cause the Natural Beige to become bitter. This causes them to either give up on their relationships, or to start using their relationships for their own personal gain. However if the Natural Beige consistently express their feelings to those closest to them, they will have a very positive, warm outlook on life and love, and are unlikely to find themselves in relationships which they are taken for granted or taken advantage of
Go to great lengths to please their partners
Very loyal and supportive, with a deep capacity for love
Detest conflict and discord, and highly value being seen and understood for who they are
Need space to live their lives in their own unique way, and will respect other's need for space

Natural Beige Strengths
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Usually optimistic
Good listeners
Good at dealing with practical day-to-day concerns
Flexible and laid-back, usually willing to defer to their mates
Their love of aesthetic beauty and appreciation for function makes them likely to have attractive, functional homes
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Values and respects other’s personal space
Likely to enjoy showing their affection through acts and deeds
Sensuous and earthy

Natural Beige Weaknesses
Not good at planning
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Focused on enjoying the present moment, they may appear lazy or slow-moving at times
Need to have their own space, and dislike having it invaded
May be slow to show their affection with words
Prefers actions over words
Finds it hard to reveal innermost thoughts and feelings
May become overly cynical and practical

Natural Beige as Lovers
You are the archetypical “gentle lover”. Intensely private, you only open your personal depths to people whom you deeply trust and love. Should your partner succeed in winning you over (a process which can span years), you can truly be the ideal lover: warm, giving, selfless and considerate. However, conflicts are anathema to you. You actively hate confrontations, and feel personally threatened by such situations. Learn that short-term and constructive conflicts can be a useful tool in solving problems, and your relationship will be infinitely more rewarding.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the Natural Beige's natural partner is the Active Yellow, or Warm Grey.

i care too much for unnecessary things

i think i do. those things i shouldn't be bothered abt, and i'm involving myself in. useless things that waste my time away. no thanks to them. especially when frustration and annoyance sets in.

Discovery

hey! i'm borned on the same date as David Schwimmer who acted in Friends as Ross Geller. cool. in some ways we're kinda alike too. although i hope i won't have two failed marriages because my wife suddenly turned gay, and saying the wrong name on the second wedding.

siao liao lah

i just got back from my jap listening test. almost 80% of the answers i guess one. worst thing is the last part. i thought you're suppose to listen and check for grammer mistakes. in the end it's checking whether the sentence is true or not from the previous passage that we listened to. WTHELL? so dead. first time i did so much guessing for a listening test.

knn. i think this first sem is gonna be a tough nut to crack.

21 Most Significant Friendz

I thought it will be quite nice to list down 21 of my friends who are significant in my life, whether are they still part of it, or not.

in no particular order (but ladies first)

1. nik
- there are times you need someone to talk to and who's COMPLETELY out of your normal social circle. and besides, she always have interesting stories to tell. one of the motivators during my a's.

2. eve
- one who will listen to you pouring out your sadness, and one whom i will stand by whenever she needs it. kind and strong at heart, i tried to learn that from her.

3. hl
- being the first, it's always unforgetable. but it's more than that. she taught me that once in a while, i should be impulsive, in the right direction though.

4. jas
- an old friend who greets you with a punch to the stomach sometimes. eager to settle down, she let me discover that sometimes it's best to make a wild move.

5. kris
- an old friend whose greetings never fail to replace any sadness caused by disappointments. by far, the most special birthday gift is from her.


6. w.lynn
- a friend who you never have to worry abt her genuine feelings. truthful and trustful. she's the one who encouraged me after i fell. pretty, but doesn't like the skirts.

7. mj
- the fact that she remembered my bday and called me gan die before puts her on the list. crazy woman with some weird laughter.

8. john
- someone i did many stupid things with. i can't be certain whose the stupider one.

9. poh
- he who demean my very existence since the day we met with his sharp words. i don't think i have won a verbal fight with him yet. trying very hard to win him in poker though.

10. xy
- buddy since long ago. generous,forgiving, smart, helpful and untainted by porn. someday, maybe his next bday, i'll buy some porn for him.

11. chris
- one of the 4 in my earlier formed groups. he's into fashion which sometimes i tried to learn a bit but failed terribly. will give you a hand when you're in need.

12. vian
- the person i identify myself with in accordance to horoscope at first. now that i don't really believe in horoscope, i just find us similar in some ways. critical, strong, determined and sarcastic. in fact, most of the guys are sarcastic. wrong, everyone of us is sarcastic.

13. liang
- talented towards the musical aspects. enjoyed my time beside him and irritating the two girls infront of us, singing to songs although my voice sux, and copying homeworks everyday.

14. chiu
- the guy who's always smiling about. sometimes laughing at others' silliness, other times he's just being silly. sensible and well-liked.

15. hao
- my go-home buddy. strong-willed, straight-forward and direct in his feelings. admired his openness. especially mine is all locked inside.

16. ken
- found this long lost friend just some years back. my doubles partner, in which we won the first doubles in inter-class. funny guy. he's the one that brings me back to that crazy me before teenage years.

17. samuel
- another long lost friend which i can't find. him, me and ken used to stay back after school for catching. one who shares my greatest love of all time, badminton. although i'm quite worse off.

18. Ben
- vulgar language is his first lang. super direct, won't hold back his words when he doesn't plan to. super sarcastic, super smart. sociable in perhaps any situations.

19. Greffrey
- my bmt buddy. we talked like old friends in the middle of the night, among the woods, in the big rectangular coffin we digged. our love life sux at that point of life. and we're scorpios. both of us desire to be strong.

20. K. Rong
- the future artist in sg perhaps. very talented in the field of arts. humble and kind, he never brags on his achievements. funny and sarcastic, he's one of the many reasons i survived armour.

21. Qi Ren
- the well-known slacker. and he seemed kinda proud of it. likes the guitar so much, that i picked it up from him. showed me one of the many ways in life is to sit back and relax while the time passes you by as you enjoy the moments.

there are several others which i didn't include in the list. namely my hq buddies (eugene, joseph, jimmy, c.keen) they are the ones whom make me feel that my existence is of some worth when i thought nothing was going right for me after i got my bar. we went thru so much shitz, and went out in the fields so many times. best buddies i ever had in army.

well, sleep time.

My 21st ConfessionZ

Today marks the end of my 21 years. Technically i'm not 21 yet until 8+pm. but still, i would like to say something here...

oh, before that. was glad the guys could come over and have the steamboat. although it wasn't much of a celebration, but i liked the gathering nevertheless. more than a celebration, i would have a good gathering. it wasn't the large crowds that i wish for, nor the numerous presents that i will recieve. it's the company of my buddies.

special note: thanks to mum and dad for preparing the steamboat. when you truly love someone, you find it so hard to say i love you. so i say it here. i love you two, mum and dad.

happy birthday to nik. 20 years old and still crying like a 19th.
happy birthday to tab. 19 years old and i don't really know her.
happy birthday to john's mum on 3rd nov.

vian wished me first while he was sending me back home from pools. oh, dap's party was great. except i can't eat much of the spicy food. and i was rather shocked when minjie actually remembered my birthday. wow. not bad for a god-daughter. receive the first sms from hy. and while i was thinking on how to reply her to show that i was really happy to get her wishes, dap sent one in the midst of clearing up her party probably. haha.. such a cute girl.

okay.. confessionz.

sometimes i tend to exaggerate stuffs. like today when i said i don't really like someone. i don't mean it, i just said it. i take those words back and watch what i say next time. i'm sorry.

and i just realised today, again, that it's really strange to look into a particular person's eyes. so i looked at her, she looked at me. and it's awakard. besides, now she looked weird. it's like, i don't know her anymore. kinda ironic.

yes! i was looking at some of the females' figure over at the party. some are really in shape.

i've done many wrong things in life, many bad decisions, said many hurtful words, and made some girls cried before. my apologies.

looking forward to a R21 movie.

reminiscence

there are some times in the year whereby i will sit by my study table at home, and get bored of studying that i open my little drawer and looked thru the letters ppl sent to me. it's just a reminiscence activity that i like to engage myself in to allow myself to be reminded of the fact that i have friends, not those hi-bye friends who sometimes i don't even remember their names on the streets and just gave that hey-i-know-you-but-not-your-name kinda gesture.

just a few pointers i have noted from the letters. not going to name names, becuz i rather it be all nameless.

this person got me started on sending letters and hardly ever fails to send me one during festive seasons. although we don't really talk much ever since we're not classmates anymore, but it doesn't really matter. unknown to her, it's a great pleasure to recieve a greeting from her every now and then. it's those feeling of that person still having that closeness of friendship for you that makes it feel satisfying.

this person sent me cute letters during festive seasons. i don't really like the cuteness of those letters though. i'm not even into cute things. perhaps by social desirability, or perhaps genetically, i'm someone with a X chromosome in my 23rd pair of chromosomes which makes me a guy, who doesn't like cute things by nature.

this person have stopped sending letters to me and we seemed to have broken all sources of contacts ever since we stopped chatting up. her letters were those one of a kind thingy at first with the spiral style and putting tea leaves inside, then it got kinda plain afterwards. the only one whom i found out today who signed off with 'Love', once, and wrote 'Hope that we'll been friends forever" which got me wondering does she hates being friends with me because she hopes our friendship is a 'been' forever? with the weird habit of writing down the time she wrote the letters, she's one weird friend.

this person only sent me once, by hand, and actually wanted to pass it to me without my knowledge. one of the crappiest card i've recieved so far but perhaps the one with most effort put in with all the cuttings with the penknife. and so far, this was the only birthday card which have wishes for me that i have actually fulfilled, partially. other cards normally just wish that i will have a girl soon or something similar. but it never really did happen.

exams coming in less than a month, and it will be over in less than a month. looking forward and backward at this point of time. sure, i'll be 21 by then. R(A) movies, let's go!

friends

been hooked on watching 'friends'. been laughing at the screen all day long while tan is concentrating so hard on his essay. haha...

something stupid.
if a surprise party is on the birthday itself, it's not a surprise anymore.
the idea came from friends.

anyway, i felt it was rather amazing on how the 6 friends came to form a tight group. they joke, laugh at each other, care, love, have sex. haha...

one month before the exams are here. hmm.. studying, a bit. more towards enjoying the life, by watching friends.

oh ya, yesterday when tan said he wanted to fix the shower head thingy, he broke the handle. -_-

forbidden love

am reading up a book called 'cupid's arrow'.
the author has her own theory of the elements of love relationships.
intimacy, passion, commitment/decision.
quite a good read as i categorise the past into some of them.
but generally i felt that it doesn't only applies to those boy-girl love relationship. platonic, same-sex, family, to some extent, contains the same elementz.

'we are just good friends' - i gave up reading this one. haha.. maybe i should consider being a clinical psycho.

there are times when i find myself having a sudden interest or something like a love-at-first-sight occurence. but things don't last. most of the times that is.

i still find forbidden love-toro alato a nice song to listen to for calming myself down. soothes the soul, don't you feel so?

empty

it's been like this for quite a while.
the hollowness i feel within.
nothing seems to fill the gap.
adrenaline is only a temporary substitute,
i need something more.
something created this void,
or was it someone.
it exists before she came.,
it was bigger when she left.
i doubt it was her that fills that hole,
her job was to make it wider.
now that i'm stuck with this black hole,
i let everything get suck inside.
my thoughts, feelings, emotions and truth.
even my lies, secrets, fantasies and lust.
in the face of nothing,
what is this thing that i can make it into something.

i want a life.

today is study day. becuz i don't feel like playing games

woke up to the sms of the badminton team msging me that i'm not selected for the team. sianz1/2. something i love so much but can't be enjoying it. i was actually hoping to play so i can play for free though. well.. too bad then. the others are seriously a level higher than me. if i'm in the team, probably will just pull them down. but i never give badminton up. ever. =)

失落非主流

你的绘画凌乱着.
在这个时刻.
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽.
甜蜜散落了.
情绪莫名的拉扯.
我还爱你呢.
伴你断断续续唱着歌.
假装没事了.
时间过了走了.
爱情面临选择.
你冷了倦了我哭了.
一开始的不快乐.
你用卡片纸写着.
有些爱只给到这真的痛了.
怎麽了.你累了.说好的.幸福呢
我懂了.不说了.爱淡了.梦远了
开心与不开心.一一细数着.你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻.我都还记得
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呢

你的绘画凌乱着.
在这个时刻.
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽.
甜蜜散落了.
情绪莫名的拉扯.
我还爱你呐.
伴你断断续续唱着歌.
假装没事了.
时间过了走了.
爱情面临选择.
你冷了倦了我哭了.
一开始的不快乐.
你用卡片纸写着.
有些爱只给到这真的痛了.
怎麽了.你累了.说好的.幸福呐
我懂了.不说了.爱淡了.梦远了
开心与不开心.一一细数着.你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻.我都还记得
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呐
怎麽了.
你累了.
说好的.
幸福呢.
我懂了.
不说了.
爱淡了.
梦遠了.
我都还记得.
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呐

it's been so long. why is there still tears in my eyes?

不是因为还有爱，而是因为还记得
记得那时的无奈，记得那时的心痛
无法抹去的记忆，想忘记却舍不得
自从她作了选择，我变得一无所有

怎麽了，你累了，说好的，幸福呢
我懂了，不说了，爱淡了，梦远了

可能是自己明白，倦了冷了累了。

情歌，听腻了，可能就不会哭了。
爱情，说穿了，只是记忆的传说。

not a really happy day

got full marks for my econs-maths mod. but wasn't really happy abt it becuz 2 of the qns were given free marks due to students arguing with the tutor that 2 ans can be correct. and the tutor completely forgot abt the tutorial today while the class waited for 30+min before someone called him. he came into the class explaining that he thought it was thursday. and the more stupid thing is, i deliberately went to the tutorial class late by 30min, and was shocked when i see the class without him. -_-" and ya, i totally forgot we were supposed to get back the test results today.

just managed to finish my english assignment 3. sounds kinda crap. especially when it involved personal experience.

haven't been contributing much to my bday party, felt like a freeloader just letting them plan all the stuffs. but the thing is, currently i'm just too busy to be involved in detailed planning. sad.

right now i'm in various hall games. darts, volleyball, squash, badminton(pending), softball(i'm asking them to pull me out), basketball(hopefully i have time for this). sounds like a lot right? ya, it's a lot. so much that i feel like just give up on studying and just play sports all day.

been having the lack-of-company feeling. i rmbed the times when it felt really comforting to be always assured that you're always belonged to someone, and that someone belongs to you. now, just wanting to feel being cared for is tough enough. all these statements are taking friends for granted.

looking at the time and schedule, i seriously hope i have some time to prepare what i initially wanted on my 21st. it's probably going to take a full 1 week to really carry out the plan. actually, the original plan has already been cut down, or rather delayed until next year. haha.. looks like procrastination won against will, once again.

still feeling sore from wednesday. 1 hour of badminton and 3 hours of volleyball trg doesn't go well together.

~with friends (well of cuz, sometimes, some friends only),
you can't always be guaranteed that they will treat you the same nice way as you treat them. they won't always be there for you when you need someone to be beside. sometimes they may seemed interested on what you just ate for dinner. other times, they don't even care when you have life crisis coming ur way. most of the times, they're just too involved with their own, just like you are. you may be just a calefare in their lives. and them, your own calefares.
~with lovers,
well as far as friends could go, i don't really want to expect much from lovers. haha..

jeremy's bday

so yesterday we celebrated jeremy's 21st with a chocolate cake. they kinda raped him. i stood by and watched. with paint, clothes pegs, strings and tape, tearing of underwear, shaving of leg hair, and a water hose. no.. it doesn't look fun. i wonder why bday can't be more peaceful?

celebrated zx and jy belated bdays too. but zx not in. too bad for the cake.

nuaing around, can't bring myself to study. sux. it'll be better if i hav tutorials. but it's just reading and understanding. boring. yet, i have to do it.

just realise my bday is round the corner. i want a peaceful bday. with lots of hongbaos. mainly becuz i just spent 2k over the 4 months. i'll starve to death even before i finish my 2nd year. i need $$$!!!

headache

so everytime i play soccer in the sun for too long i'll get headache. dumbz. the overheating really kills after the game. is my body not conditioned to the heat, or am i just getting old? haha.. sux.

didn't study this weekend again. woohoo~! so i brought back 3 txtbks for nothing -_-"
this ain't gonna work. i need to get some discipline in myself.

the birthday party thingy seemed to be coming along well. looking fwd to having a gathering again.

i still wonder why the sadness comes and goes as it wishes.
the phantom that lurks in the shadows of my past.

that feeling...

i haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
i wanna find back that sensation i felt at that time.
it's the thoughts of not giving up till the last moment, the struggle with limitations of the muscles, the determination of winning, holding on so strongly ever...
even love can't compare to it. although love last longer than it. haha..

i put that feeling above love.
and i'm gonna find it back some day.
i promise.

bye bye

byebye joseph, byebye eugene just now. hmm.. then need to byebye to yuanwei on friday night. trips to the airport is kinda long.. but to see them before they fly off, and to send them off with the deep wishes for them to do well there.

took a cab back from boonlay with someone i don't know from hall 16, since the last bus 179 has long gone. saved 5 bucks.

got 26/40 for hrm test. feel very down. if my hp101 don't get at least 80%, i have feel more down. if my hp102 get below 65%, i think i can reconsider doing psycho.

tired. did a little cleaning up of the toilet in the noon becuz i have nothing much to do. didn't feel like studying also.

oh ya, we did a stupid thing at airport T3 just now. 3 of us, plus the new qm i think, connect our hands, shouted our unit's motto, and then ran off back to home. all the stupid things that we've done... haha...as jimmy said, "missed you already". i'm missing the company.

friends leaving, now and then

had a surprise party for cheekeen yesterday at his house. turned out he knew it beforehand. haha... but still, cool party.

went to ttsh to see poi poi. she's hospitalised for some stones thingy. have to stay there till mon when the doc do another checkup again. she seemed pale and weak, unlike the vibrant side of her i normally see. the whole family tree was there. no one was absent. maybe becuz later on we went back to celebrate 3 bdays. played daidi for a while with my cousins before my sis and her bf sent me to airport to send joseph off.

was one of the early few to see joseph. a few of the armour ppl came. i'm the only tankee though. haha.. doesn't matter. took some photos, said our goodbyes, off he went. all the best to him~ one of my best buddies in the army.

went home on 858, think yeeshang was on it, sleeping all the way while i was standing. don't think she noticed me. well, doesn't matter also. haha..

tired.

haven't been studying for the past one week. the list of things to do during the recess week turned out to be useless except for the first day.

oh ya, donated blood for the 4th time. went with ben. this was perhaps the slowest one of all. and the thickest blood too (didn't drink much water beforehand).

HQ gathering

it's another great gathering for the hq officers as a farewell dinner to send joseph and eugene off for their overseas studies. with the 3 bosses, excluding mine. lots of laughter, with the siao jimmy. although it's our treat to the bosses this time round... 44 bucks is still quite a big amt. = to my one week's expenditure i think.

haven't been studying for the past few days, just playing dmc3 on my ps2. was quite irritated when i overwrote my newly created game. so the 3+ hrs i spent on playing that character went down the drain.

came home when i told my parents i'm not. so have to call up my dad in the middle of the night to wake him up and unlatched the door for me. guilt.

got interested in matters of a platonic relationship. was reading up a book titled "We are just good friends" or something like that. maybe if i have more time... i'll just stay in the library and read that book all day long. but i'll probably fall asleep halfway thru. there're some pretty good examples inside. gay and straight female, straight guy and girl, etc.

i found her

the name joanne just came up. no doubt i've been trying to search for her over the past 10 years or so since she left nps. did a search on facebook. nothing. did a search on friendster. got it.

maybe she's the reason why i found the hall queen familiar. don't really think she changed much. she went on to ite, i suppose she's still schooling now. got her blog too.

no doubt i have a crush on her at such a young age... but it's still a joy to know she's doing okay. haha..

i still find her cute. haha... some things never change do they?

unpleasant feeling.

the day was fine. until i heard 2 things which doesn't suit my ears.
one was disgust, the other was dislike. the whole replay of a similar experience came onto my mind, which really put me off. although that time i blame the other party for not understanding me enough, but now, i'm seriously wondering how can i change. haha...

it's been some time since i've gave in to such emotions. but i refused to accept myself with it. such irony.

ff's bday bbq celebration

it was a rather good gathering at yesterday ffan's 21st bday bbq celebration near his house. just a few of us, talking, eating, taking photos... it's one of the best things in life. just enjoying~

nowadays i feel rather unsatisfied with my life. not happy, not really sad. i want something more out of this life. something much more fulfiling. i wanna contribute to something. i wanna give.

i can't, and i refused to stay this way forever. something will be done. my life ain't just another normal life.

i feel fcuked up.

i feel hot.
the room is hot.
my brain is having the heat from the aftermath of studying.
and i feel fcuked up.

morning nuaness

it's been like that since i'e got into hall.
damn hard to get up from bed in the morning even at 9+. have to force myself up and get some breakfast. the more sianz thing abt today is, the breakfast set A (toast+eggs) is sold out at 9.15am. wth? no toast, only got eggs, and i was the few who got the eggs also. drank tea to keep myself awake.

i feel so no life now. haha... study. actually i'm just reading thru the 1.5mth worth of txt. totally catch no balls. it's not like jc science where everything can be put into nice point form. this one.. either you put it into a big big mind map which is of practically no use unless you're familiar with all the terms and the applications, or can be like me, pray hard this mcq quiz is not going to be that hard.

and i should visit the doc soon.

1 mth away before i unsheath my sword once again.

1st assignment result

got a B/B+ for my english assignment. haha.. mdm samsiah will be damn proud of me lah. but it's just one small paragraph. -_-"

did my hp101 quiz today. studied till 3+ yesterday along with tan who was chionging his 900 word essay overnight. the quiz wasn't that hard, but a few qns i can't answer. hopefully i got them correct. put in quite some effort in this quiz.

got my hp102 quiz on friday. this is one big shit to study for the next 2days or so. it's bad enough to study for bio back in sec school for continual assessment becuz everytime i have to squeeze 3 mths of txtbk knowledge into my brain within 1 day. now, it's squeezing 1mth of profound txtbk knowledge within 2 days.

wanted to sleep in the library after the quiz... but the thing is i ate mac breakfast and drank the tea. can't doze off after that cup of caffeine. sianz.

saw ben with a girl. scandalous. haha..

my head feels light. my hair is short.

my first attempt

last night was my first attempt at playing 2 tables of mj, at the same time.
it began with a terrible rush on both sides and i can only concentrate on myself most of time. maybe becuz i didn't really care abt others, i managed to won quite a bit.

studies are catching up damn slow. even if i made the notes, i haven't memorise them yet. today, i shall complete my hp101 notes! (hopefully)

my anxiety

i feel terrified.
about my quiz tml.
reading the txt ain't helping much to calm myself down.
somehow, i need a greater assurance.
somehow, i need more time.

sometimes, i wish i didn't care.

just like the times when my emotions went down a spiral.
why should i care so much?

the htht is getting onto me.
reminding me of whatever past.
and therefore i told myself this,
the past is meant to be over.
hence thou shall not speak of the past, whenever possible.

i have a dream...

i have a dream...
a rather simple dream
this dream came to me when i wasn't dreaming
it appeared when i wanted to dream

i hope this dream does come true...
out of the many which doesn't
different from a vision or a goal
may this dream be fulfil like a fairy tale

this dream i have needs a capacity...
a capacity i do not have at the moment
but as ages catch up with me
this dream i have, will not be a dream come true

chionging my txtbk. while going for training for darts... i should get my own darts soon lah, keep borrowing from others damn sianz. quiz next week, 4 chapters, haven't finished reading up one yet. hr management.

Hall 2 Dinner & Dash

Yesterday night was the dnd. not bad i should say. won a lucky draw prize of many styling gels and other things. it was the 19th prize out of 69. okay lah~ haha...

our theme was peter pan. so we have a captain hook, a female peter pan, lots of children in pyjamas with no tinkerbell. i thought the whole group of us in pjs was more weird than the others in those costumes. tan wore a 50 bucks rented sort-of gladiator suit while i wore a 15 bucks worth of pjs. so the whole bunch of us stick together and walked through the crowd to our table. it's like we're super low-budget lah. -_-" while others put in so much efforts to dress up. but anyway, the girls put on some make-up and tie their hairs into cute styles, so, efforts inputted. the guys, hmm.. i think efforts were put in when we brought our soft toys. i thought the one piece (winnie the pooh if i'm not wrong)pj tab was wearing last night was kinda cute. she should have been the tinkerbell though. haha..

pageant went on fine while we dine. our representative, sam, got Mr Personality. damn cool lah. haha... his answer to the interview was kinda deep, which probably win him that title. hall king, queen, don't really care. lucky draw was kinda funny as we all hope that the mc doesn't call out our numbers that early in the night so we have a chance at the big prize at the end.

one stupid thing i must talk about. while we were having our desserts, the mc was announcing the best dressed table. all along the night when ppl talk about putting in so much efforts for our costumes, i suppose we felt like kinda.. it's an overstatement for our table lah. 2 x ppl in costumes rented, 8 x ppl in pj. so when the mc was announcing, we happily dismissed the thought of winning and enjoyed our red bean dessert, it's like as long as we are comfortable in what we're wearing and it's low-budget, we bochup everything. yet in the end, we won. -_-" haha... like that also can win. a bottle of bailey's. so they're encouraging winners to drink alcohol. but seriously, the look of everyone's face was shocked upon the announcement of the winner. best-dressed table cum best low-budget.

the night wasn't really eventful as we went to lao pa sar for supper and then played drinking game in the room while the 3 little pigs(tri, tab, kk) were sound asleep on the bed. shitz, i'm starting to think that tab is damn cute. or maybe the fact is that she's cute.

it's hard to chat up with anyone in the group as we really don't have much to talk abt ba. they have their own clicks, while i'm probably on my own. it feels a bit weird to walk alone when you're in a group. i never doubted on my introverted side. haha...

happy birthday liang!~

today's liang's 21st.
wishes him all the best and sorry that i can't be there at the party to celebrate with him. got my dnd on tonight.

mum and dad bought the pyjamas for me just now. looks not bad. it's 15 bucks though. eating dinner at a hotel in pyjamas, this has gotta be the first time. and most probably the last time.

worried abt my studies. gotta read up like siao, take notes like siao, then memorise like siao. finally, it's revise like siao. all these to be done in 2 weeks. cool.

looking at my poor junior nearly going crazy over her own tutorials, i realise i should be too. haha... the difference btw me and her now is, she don't understand. i haven't read. the similarity is, she seemed to be kinda slack also leh. hahaha...

star gazing. hmm... when's the last time i enjoyed the sight of them? it may seemed like a romantic getaway from the reality for two at night. but for me, it doesn't matter i'm alone or with another, the stars give a mysterious and calm sensation. it's best on the beach i suppose. haha...

DnD prep

today's tutorial was kinda... hmm.. okay ba.
managed to catch what the tutor was saying until the later parts when he talked about chapter 3 which obviously i haven't read becuz i keep giving stupid comments.

so went down to bugis to rent costume afterwards. actually thought this wouldn't work out, but it did anyway. the theme peter pen was decided. 3 main chars, peter pen, captain hook and the tinkerbell which i think won't wear her ballet dress liao for the night liao. seriously i thought it looked cute lah. haha...

the rest of the guys just wear pajamas i guess, which i need to get one myself.

had a little htht on the mrt while going back...

now just waiting to celebrate og mate's bday...

ahh... rain

it rained heavily as i was 15 min away from my room with my laundry hanging outside. gone~ i told myself as i quickly walked under the shelter towards my room, however, with a slight ray of hope that the clothes will be miraclously dry. well, too bad. the hope is hopeless in the face of mother nature. sianz 1/2. wash again later.

i actually got stuck on integration during today's lecture. although the whole lecture was still on differentiation. haha.. sianz 1/2 more. tml got tutorial that needs a material which i have no idea how to go about doing it. or rather, finding it. seriously, something with more than 1 gestalt principles and doesn't look simple, don't get it from the internet or magazines. -_-" so i guess i'll just have to draw it myself then. be amazed. be very amazed.

getting more and more into studying. sia lah, i like studying. haha... but i love maths.

starting to get sick of canteen food. should be finding ways to cook in hostel once i settle all my shitz on studying.

sunday mahjong

it's kinda dumb that i won 10plus from 10/20 cents mahjong in hall and lose 16plus from 30/60 cents at home. and for the 10/20 game, i didn't even complete all 4 winds, just a bit more than 2.

didn't study for the whole day. was transferring stuffz from my old drive to the new one. takes some time becuz the com is damn slow with vista. seriously worried on my assignments.

uni life is apparently tougher than jc life. at least for the starting part.

my day of doing nothing

no lessons. no lectures. no tutorials or whatsoever.
so i nua in my room for the whole day doing nothing much except for a little jap and 5 pages of my txtbook. pathetic 5 pages, so far.
plus, needforspeed, poker on facebook, reading manga, etc etc...
i should go to the library instead of staying in my stupid room. the laptop is just in front of me. it's on the whole day, opened, like begging me to touch it.
tml's union day. don't really know what's for. don't really care much abt the voting. but i know i still have lessons despite the "no lessons from .. to .." don't really mind, but i'm constantly worried abt the fact i haven't read my txtbk. i'm sure after reading, i will then be constantly reminded by the fact i don't rmb 95% of what i've read, i didn't make notes, i don't even understand much from what i've read. this sux, big time. that miracle i made during my o's for my humanities have to happen throughout this 4 years. seriously. from c5 to a2, and the c5 was becuz i scored nearly full in my source-based and failed terribly in my essays. somehow, i know i can do it, with much efforts. inertia. lots of it is in me now. push myself, pull myself. kick myself.

it isn't any good for me to be nothing to do. my mind will wander off. i look at those pictures, and i started having this continuous wave of sadness. although mild, it does sends me down a spiral for a while. like flushing the toilet seat, what's gone is gone into a big pile of shitz. it feels shitty, and i don't wanna have it back.

there's something with my right leg. old injury before i left for australia. resurfaced after my senior kicked me during soccer. hope it get better or i'll have to make appt with the sensei again. it's been a week though.

inter-wings games coming up within the hall. i feel like joining all of them. haha.. i just like to have fun in sports. interactive. adrenaline-flowing. unlike reading my research design explained txt book. boring, dry, don't even know what i should be looking out for. can't be all eh?

another ard 11 hours i'll be taking part in a psy research as a participant. should be rather interesting to see how the experiment turns out.

i feel like playing badminton and basketball. i don't wanna just go running and sweat myself out. i wanna do more than that.

suppose there's a girl i fancy, and i don't initiate anything, get close, or whatsoever. will there be a chance? hmm.. hahaha... sometimes i wonder why i feel so different than in my early teens. or should it be, why have i changed that much. pros and cons... was more hot-headed in the past. with pride, ego. now, it's like i have hidden myself so deeply inside, that only when the adrenaline is pumping throughout my body, can i unlock that chamber and set myself free.

tiredZ

Sunday nuaness

so the day started early as i went to toapayoh temple to pray. crowded as usual. finally saw my cousin who has been away in china for a few years and is now back in singapore to stay.

went back home. felt really nua. wanted to read up on the psycho textbook which i brought home but didn't feel like it. have nothing to do, don't feel like going on, just sitting on the sofa, watching what's on on the tv. most of it was olypmics. other than that, i don't really know what to look out for.

it's bothering me, greatly. in fact, too much. i currently don't have the drive, to push me. can't expect someone to pull me along.

a bit of struggle today as i thought of dropping one of my mod to take up one of the maths mod. there were vacancies. i gave it much thoughts before allowing the deadline to come.

i really do not have much confidence on my own course of study. i really don't. i need results for assurance. something to show me that i can do it. but that something, i must first create.

watched lin dan (China) vs lee chong wei (Malaysia). a rather quick victory by lin dan as he read chong wei pretty well. but i still feel that chong wei's smashes are much better in terms of speed and power. i wished i could play, at least once in a while. and therefore, i will.

i don't feel like hearing any ranting from anybody. i have been saturated with those already. enough to last a while. don't wanna think about all those stuffz anymore. nobody wants to feel special to a certain individual, and then realise that they're not. this somehow amounts to betrayal, fraud, deceive. upon knowing the truth, they have to force it down their throat. how do you think they feel? enough, i said.

they will not know who i am and where i belong to. they will only see this unknown shadow that lurks around in the night.

Happy Birthday to an old friend

Happy belated 21st birthday to an old friend who just passed her 21st bday yesterday!
11 years already. it's more than half of my current lifespan.

anyway, goodbye to another friend whom i've barely known for 1 mth. moving on to nus from ntu. a farewell supper tonight, and some HTHT talk. it's super hilarious when there was a scandal involving me. it's funny becuz i don't even know it. -_-"

anyway, all the best to both of them.

badminton trial

i guess my competitive badminton life has kinda hit the stop.
didn't went into the team. knocked out after the first match.
the other guys were good. what can i said? haha.. i wasn't the better ones in my college to start with. i love the sport, but i can only get that far.

same goes for every other sports. i can only get that far. i'm something like a jack of all trades. i can pick things up pretty fast, but i just can't excel in anything. the best i have done so far was maths. and i have given it up for psychology. haha.. suddenly i feel like i'm having all the wrong things in uni.

his story

too lazy to touch the tutorials. it's like a very high wall to climb.
but i know i must overcome this shitz. chiong ar!

still emoing over the 陳小春 - 我不是偉人 song.

a guy who can't get over this girl.
he, who refused to wish her and her new one happiness.
and if he does, it will be like letting her go.
he can't and he doesn't want to let this all wither away.
becuz he still love her, deep down inside.
his selfishness still wishes that the girl have feelings for him.

dumb guy.

EmO dAy

today's monday. i assume there's no lec or tut since a lot them said don't have. late in the morning got dad to drive me to hall. he nearly bang into something while waving goodbye to me. haha.. shitz. either i tell him not to wave goodbye anymore and concentrate more on driving out the narrow driveway or i just auto go school myself.

anyway, went early to play squash with yonglim and 3 of his friends. nice play. it's been quite a while since i played squash, which is in australia. really missed the carefree time overseas there. own room, own bathroom, free aircon, free buffet every meals with desserts (ice cream, cakes, etc), nice weather, sports... flying. will i ever fly again i wonder. oh well. his friends were good. yonglim improved also. i used to thrash him and pengkiat. haha.. but not anymore liao.

went out with eula for lunch, movie, afternoon tea, standing around while the females shop, then dinner. Journey to the centre of the earth was kinda crappy, but still entertaining. not many of us went for today's outing though. but enough to make a crowd and just relax and talk cork. maybe going for a run later, i ate quite a bit just now.

oh ya, found the cantonese version of 陳小春 - 獨家記憶 (我不是偉人). nice. as most say, he's not the best singer around. but he put in a lot of feelings into the emotional song, it's like he has been through them personally. and somehow, it describes me. even after so long, i'm still there and then.

不肯祝你兩人戀愛愉快
是否很古怪　要去肢解
舊情人即使假裝好友狀態
誰又希罕我賣口乖

肯祝福你有如肯放下你
還是肯寬恕　對我不起
未別離花光好心地去待你
留下的骨氣還是想刻骨至死

無法死心　忘掉自私非愛人
還有私心　仍能令你為我牽掛
餘生偉大到自卑也是人
無法誠懇豁達做偉人
恕我狠心　無限大方非愛人
還有真心　才難偽裝自己遮蓋良心
你就當我小氣殘忍
餘情未了總有記恨　我講真

真想不到你如此看重我
難道祝福你　你更好過
我為何必須扭曲本性做我
難道委屈我來為你點播情歌

如要講真　忘掉自私非愛人
還有私心　仍能令你為我牽掛
餘生偉大到自卑也是人
無法誠懇豁達做偉人
恕我狠心　無限大方非愛人
還有真心　才難偽裝自己遮蓋良心
我待你曾恩厚像神
然而為愛總有記恨　我講真

無法死心　忘掉自私非愛人
還有私心　仍能令你為我牽掛
餘生偉大到自卑也是人
無法誠懇豁達做個偉人
恕我狠心　無限大方非愛人
還有真心　才難偽裝自己遮蓋良心
你就當我小氣殘忍
從前絕配不夠道行　變配襯

now this is weird

was viewing friendster and saw cindy.
all out a sudden i thought she was cute.
now, why i don't have impression at work. i have no idea.
and how come she's single? or i presume she is.
makes really no sense for cute girls to be single ba.

today's lecture was shit as i couldn't concentrate with the sms and also, the contents was really way off. can't catch what the person is saying. and i was having troubles keeping my eyes to the slides when some random girl came in and sat next to me. she never took out any notes, just sat there with her bag, occasionally taking out her hp. let's see what i can remembered... green sweater, long hair, single eye-lid, pink fingernails, jeans, black shoulder-carrying bag(or whatever you called it), i kinda forgot the colour of the shoes. sound like a stalker eh? when lect gets too boring, i turn to my side. haha...

sometimes it's not really a good thing to receive a msg from an old-time friend.
无事不登三宝殿 worst if it somehow involves you. well at least the person didn't come for favours but just pure ranting. then i will wonder where all their close friends gone to? not like i don't wanna hear it, but it does feels a bit weird. friendship, i haven't fully experienced the whole of it, and never will.

back at home, have a headache. feels like shitz. pondering on which assignments should i start on first. thinking of tutorials.

~give me something to hold on to. i dont want to slip into yet another depressing spiral.

1st lecture

yup, so after yesterday zouk i slept at 4 plus...
then i woke up at 8.15am and went WTHELL.
didn't really wash up for my first lecture at 8.30am.
glad i'm in hostel, not at home. hahaha
record holds at 15min to prepare in the morning and walk to LT22.

back from zouk

the first time i went to zouk for non-work-related matters.
had fun there, but not really as fun as the time at sentosa.
just don't really like drinking.
my og mate commented my dancing was kua zhang. haha.. didn't really care.
for a person who don't dance often, i think i do alright even if i looked like an idiot.

the atmosphere was kinda bad towards the end part.
one lost her camera. the other few got relationships problems.
ben lost his wallet. i lost my.. hmm.. secret.
most were troubled over relationships.
reminded me of the past. but this thing is not the whole of life as i discovered sometime later. even though i acknowledge this issue, it still must be constantly reminded to make me sane. else, i might fall into yet another quicksand spiral.

this time, i let my passion rule my heart.

~let nature takes its course. that is, if you're happy with the course

SP nitez

my first blind date. and i suffered for a bit just to have a dinner with her.
she got me some chocolates. i bought her a photoframe (those couple type). it's like initially i already foresee that my SP is going to be an attached personnel. hmmm... and it turned out true. through some talking, found out she's also from npcc. ah, those days... when i overestimated my abilities. haha..

the dinner was good. i still don't really like small talks. nice girl, a strong sense of maturity in that face of hers. don't feel like going supper, but should still be going. feel like sick liao. haiz...

was participating for AQUA (or ah gua) competition by the poolside this morning. the other guy won hands down. can't be compared. he's like the super ah gua.

my sunburnt is killing me with my low energy, need of water, throat itchy...

yesterday fright night was not really well done. i hardly got any scares throughout the 6 stations. just super tired.

can't take it, think i'll take a shower and see how first.

Day 1

went to friend's bbq at hall 15 instead of going camp at the start. after i was super full, then i proceeded to the camp. only did the banner then go bed.

nope, no chio bus. but they are decent-looking girls.

i looked damn sianz to all the agls. it's not my face. i'm really sianz.
maybe just tired.

so one of my group is from 42.
that's all

feeling

felt like hugging someone.
maybe becuz i feel unwell.
or perhaps its my insecurity.
whatever the case, i feel like hugging.
it doesn't matter if you're of the same gender.
i felt the same warmth from a friend, no less.

anyone thought of hugging someone as a stress reliever?
ppl thought of stress relief squeezing balls.
why not squeezing ppl, in the sense of hugging?
hug, release. hug another time, release.
repeat
it should take more stress away than just a ball in your hand.

you, who have hugged me before, brought me warmth and security.
warmth that resides within me with your presence or the thought of you.
secured that i'm not just someone, but the one whom you hugged.
proof of my place in your life, heart, and soul.
i reciprocate this happiness that you gave.

today is a gloomy rainy cooling yet feeling lousy day.

i feel like wasting my life away in the seemingly slow hours of this late nights...

trapped

today went to ntu for some admin stuffz.
the day felt like crap.
maybe falling sick.

sang my heart out during my bath just now.
felt better.

going to uni, feels a little unsecured.

cut my hair

now i feel lighter and cooler.
the most expensive haircut i've so far in my life. 14 bucks.

somehow, i think it's time for me to change.

my room is in a complete mess at the moment.
maybe will pack it during the weekends.

hall camp~

love

to me, love still remains as a faraway entity. it begins to dawn on me that forgetting wasn't one of my choices. and as i began to envy the love that was blooming in the old-school anime story plot, i'm reminded i was once in a story.

a beautiful girl you just met have you mesmerized as you tried to get close to her, understand her.

no one ever did have bad comments on the anime story, just that they have troubles coping with the ending. it's too close to reality for comfort, for an anime.

constrained, i felt myself trapped within.
but if i let loose, then what will i be then.

need for bad

there are times when you feel super demoralized becuz you tasted the bitterness of defeat, a sense of inferiority.

today is one of those times. especially when i know i could have done better.

i wanna make it to the team.

i want to play badminton.

back 3 days ago

the first thing that caught on me since i came back at the middle of the night is, we forgot to include dap in the class gifts. terribly sorry on this, so now let's hope she don't find out. although she kinda saw the photos on the gifts becuz i insensitively shown her that yesterday when she and vian came for a short visit. dumbz.

taiwan was fun. i like the eating part, not really the shopping part. i rather a relax holiday than a shopping spree holiday.

today is my last day at zouk as a part-timer. for 7/hr, i think i should find some other high-income job when the school holidays come along. it's just not really worth the time to do overnight, serve the customers, get shitz becuz the customers walked out on you, etc. the service line sux. although the colleagues are good. i still can't believe ron is 30+ years old. i thought she was around my age. -_-

however, will be still doing friday or maybe changing to wed night weekly. friday's like a sardine day. just keep squeezing in and out of the crowd raising your voice and saying "SORRY, EXCUSE ME!"

becuz vian and dap came by yesterday, once again i got reminded that my room was pretty boring. but if it's studying, i suppose my room can handle that. as well as some intimate snuggling. ;p

most probably will be visiting and if suitable, buying the castor board. hopefully the good and nice ones are under a hundred. tricks aside, it's quite a cool toy by itself already. john kept going on about this being a temporary hobby. said by the guy who bought a $80 female celebrity poster who has STD, and has to buy a new frame to put the poster becuz his old one can't fit.

maybe friends around me doesn't really know what turns me on. adrenaline. speed. a pity they don't really enjoy badminton, or love badminton as i do. but this castor board just might be the thing.

something that dap mentioned yesterday sparks me off about going to the camps. i'm having second thoughts.

everytime i take that out, i still can feel the hurt.

~having the courage to use your vocal and actions to ascertain all your doubts.
love, its other name may just be you.

aviva 2008

zodi brought me to singapore indoor stadium for the aviva finals. hmmm.. the best match among the 5 finals was the mixed doubles. the others were kinda dull in comparsion. first time watching badminton tournament, first time watching aviva live, first time in indoor stadium. something tells me i'm lacking in experiences at the age of 20. well, it was a fun and interesting experience. although on the tv you can see more than you can if you're live at the stadium (i.e. slow motion, players facial expressions captured, commentators), but you can't feel the atmosphere from outside of the screen. only when you're sitting there, watching, then you can feel it. basically it's just different.

my weekends are gone so fast ever since i started the night job. my fridays and saturdays just zoomed past like they never even happened, as if i'm dreaming through reality.

i expect myself to get a little hectic while preparing stuffs for taiwan.

seriously thinking of getting the waveboard. currently still searching for other outlets that sell them other than downtown east.

btw, typing this post out now is becuz i can't fall asleep on bed for the past maybe.. 25 min.

my rash has spread to my face. i need treatment, very soon. acne + rash = horrible.
but it's rather fascinating how i can write letters on my own flesh. or weird.

happy father's day, dad.

didn't manage to attend chiu's commission which i was expecting to do so. i haven't even seen any commissioning parade yet. -_-" mine wasn't counted. i was in it, not watching it.
congras to him~

need to hydrate myself to prepare for taiwan. i'm expecting xiang ji pa every single day.

too much random thoughts around. hope i can get to sleep later.

got a recent crush on need for speed from vian. trying to torrent it, but it's taking kinda long. after 2 days.. it's like 1/5 done nia. but of cuz, it wasn't continous 2 days straight.

jas having her 21st birthday on 28 jun. got night cycling on that night also. haha.. see first. been quite some time since i've been to any bday parties. been missing a lot of them, really. her's at downtown east, maybe can take the chance to go down the shop and see the waveboard.

wanted to start on my projectz 21st yesterday. i got stuck typing out the first page. and it's JUNE!!! i'm like 4 months away from the deadline. ah... maybe i should name it 22nd. i'm so good at procastinating. it's just so natural.

sleepz.

thursday boredom

yes i'm free on tuesdays and thursdays. i kept getting the "ain't you working today?" qns.

last min mahjong plus skateboarding at vian's house. getting better. not at mahjong, but at the skateboard.

lost again at mj. she's right. being 7x7=49 days away from my birth date, she's jinxing me somehow. 克心.

maybe i'll buy the skateboard, if i can find more tricks.

weiliang left for... frank.. something tonight. to find dice. reminded me of fos (full of shit).

feeling is getting stronger. is it possible? hmmm.. i believe some ppl are borned spiritual, or rather with some special abilities. i'm trying to see if i have any.

mum mentioned that the baby is behaving like me when i was young. and i showed them that he wasn't like me, he's better. and he keeps biting anything that comes along, including my fingers, and the blue glowing ball on my bed. i think he kinda likes the blue ball. more or less, feel like breast (round, can squeeze, around that size)

i hate myself

when i woke up late again on the bus and had to walk past 4 busstops under the drizzle which drenched my shirt by the time i reached office.
should have taken the bus, but i was too lazy to cross the road and waste the money.
better set alarm next time while i sleep on the bus.

no breakfast. hungry.

thought of a certain person. just that don't miss her.
a strange reminiscence.

was craving for all kinds of food yesterday.
but in the end, i just wanted meat. and i bought a packet of potatoes chips just for fun.

taiwan, you wait. i make sure i buy your xiang ji pa everyday. even if my nose bleed from the excess heat in the body. even though i haven't have that for quite some time.

body aching

after 2 nights of working and 2 days of badminton, my body is now aching from the aftermath. it's too straining on the body. i should start considering doing cooldown after badminton. wonder why, the intensity seemed to be increasing every time i play. and i found out i'm more comfortable with my old carbonex than my new TiMesh. sad, but true. my shots and control is better, and will be better with a new set of strings which i'm going to get soon for my carbonex 8300. zodi wanted to recommend me to go to woodlands cc for some games. hmm.. sounds fun. but, my body condition ain't. played singles for a while on sunday. it was super tiring, and my defense was really down the drain. he wasn't even fast in running, and i'm still down on defense. too long since i've played singles, or is it becuz it's just 10 min since i reached the court and i haven't warmed up.

anyway, it was a rather surprising sat night. i met 3 of my AGC mates. the 2 jacks and andreu. nice to see familiar faces around. glad to know that they're doing fine. they're afterall sort of like my cadets when i was in charge.

been rather grumpy these few days. probably due to the aches and fatigue i'm suffering from. even if the other party doesn't mean it, like today, and i know, i choose to believe the other side. it gives an excuse for me to rant. i'm childish this way, or maybe just infront of her.

hopefully i have free tickets to aviva open. promise i'll get a yellow shirt.

vian has a nice skateboard. very fun.

NOOOO!!!!!

THAT CAN'T BE!!!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???
AHHH!!! NO!!!

it's just a case of no more free season passes to aviva open 2008 in singapore on yes933 radio. i think i'm better off buying the tickets than wasting my 30cents sms on trying to win the season seasons. but it comes in a pair. hmm... if i won, it will really be worth it. oh well~

so i spent yesterday playing wc3 with tan. then spending the late afternoon discussing about gambling tactics with hl (personal mathematical advisor).
the conclusion is that i need huge reserve if my luck is that freaking bad. but from talking to her abt the tactics, i beginned to developed and improvised new ones. kinda fun. like back to pri maths again. all kinds of stupid and funny ideas.

but it seemed kinda weird for friends to talk about these kind of stuffs instead of catching up on each others since we hardly talk at all. however, if we are talking about those stuffs, i reckoned the conversation will even last. technology, msn, hate it, love it.

380 times. i hit the wall with a shuttlecock and a racket 380 times continously. previously was 296. i remembered when i was young, i was aiming for 1000. never ever hit that target before, but close. near to 900 if i'm not wrong. it got kinda boring after sometime though. no-life-guy playing badminton with a wall.

went to LTA just now to act as a delivery boy for my boss. while on the bus back, was thinking about my own interests. maybe becuz from young, it's hard to find anyone with interests similar to mine. so once i found something that connects btw me and another, i tend to want to get close. by the way, my interests are kinda weird, same as my actions. now, who would like to walk from woodlands to yishun in the middle of the night with me? maybe cycling.

got a job offer yesterday which i rejected. freelance finding clients. sounds... like something i'm not really into.

tonight is work again. my body clock is screwed up until don't know what. and i'm missing too much soccer sessions. they help me maintain a considerable level of fitness. but i'm slimming down so much, i think i need to eat more meat and just sit at home doing nothing but more meat eating. jack's place anyone?

something is wrong

i finished my little project in less than... 3 hours. when i'm given 3 days to do it, and i procrastinate until now. quite dumb right.

feel kinda hip today after walking past 3 busstops to my workplace becuz i overslept.
while walking along the busy road of Dunearn, i kinda just listen to radio and... what's the word for 'walking and dancing to the music'?

and YES, I'M DISAPPOINTED AGAIN AND AGAIN.
still trying to get that pair of season pass to aviva open from yes933.
i smsed at the first moment they pose the qns leh. still don't choose me. haiz
hope i can somehow see the finals at least. even if i'm alone, i will just buy the ticket and go.

seriously, nobody shares such a strong interest in badminton than me among them.
neither in my favourite manga or the old but very nice songs.
i'm like the... hmm.. odd interests guy. haha...

oh ya, got 2 free tickets to zoo. some good things for the blood donors eh?
but kinda lazy to go on a sat. especially with work at night.

quitting work soon. time for some night life at home, or outside.
haven't been running. want a bike. feel like doing lots of personal projects. self-accomplishment. hitting the shuttle against the wall until it can't be called a shuttle anymore. organising my personal space (room, pc - songs, pictures, printing of photos, diary, this stupid blog). get in touch with maths again. i love numbers, especially something like 32-24-32, or 21-15(badminton scores). go figure the previous figures. maybe i should buy an ipod. $ $ $.

i think the baby thinks of me as just a random guy at home to carry him around, my dad as the ultimate always-available-to-carry-him-around + always-have-food-to-give-him guy. my mum is just someone who forces him to sleep and drink milk. baby's world, so simple.

that idiot

next time that idiot comes around and pours her woes again,
i must remind myself to keep my mouth shut. useless words.

i described tonight as such
不自在的自然

i don't deny my desire.
but the acknowledgment of the past takes priority.

i should start making conscious efforts to see others other than their inner sides.
so far, i'm making no progress.

working is a pain in the ass.
i just wanna play some shuttles.

the only thing that doesn't change is change itself.
her, me, us.

if i know my future, then i won't be bothering abt the past but looking forward.
but since the path ahead leads to unfamiliar grounds, i got afraid, so i turned back the hands of time and hung on to the past.
until i hit an obstacle, did i realise that the hands that were holding on to the hands of time, were slipping away at the same velocity of time.
then i decided to let it all go.
face my front, and marches on, as if i know my future.

Tennis vs. Badminton

Tennis vs. Badminton
Statistics Don't Lie
The speed and the stamina required for badminton are far greater
than for any other racket sport. At the 1985 All England
(Tennis) Championships, Boris Becker defeated Kevin Curren 6-3,
6-7, 7-6, 6-4. At the 1985 World Badminton Championships in
Calgary, Canada, Han Jian of China defeated Morten Frost of
Denmark, 14-18, 15-10, 15-8. The following is a statistical
comparison of those matches.

Time: Tennis, 3 hours and 18 minutes. Badminton, 1 hour and 16
minutes.
Ball/Shuttle in Play: Tennis, 18 minutes. Badminton, 37
minutes.
Match Intensity*: Tennis, 9 percent. Badminton, 48 percent.
Rallies: Tennis 299. Badminton, 146.
Shots: Tennis, 1,004. Badminton, 1,972.
Shots Per Rally: Tennis, 3.4. Badminton, 13.5.
Distance Covered: Tennis, 2 miles. Badminton, 4 miles.

Note that the badminton players competed for half the time, yet
ran twice as far and hit nearly twice as many shots.

*The actual time the ball/shuttle was in flight, divided by the
length of the match.


Being the second most popular sports in the world, Badminton.

My first love.

ice cream

nothing like a little ice cream to make a sunday better.

with some ba zhangs which my mum made yesterday.

got my lappy back.
it's time to start on my '21' project
and i just realise my lappy got no lightscribe capability even though it has lightscribe program. wthell? how come all along i have the illusion it's lightscribe-enabled? smlj. 2k with no lightscribe.

was talking about girl making use of guys.
hmmm... if you're such a wimp to do stupid things just to please the girl in the most unsensible ways, then you're probably ain't appreciated by the girl. just keep hoping. until one day the girl suddenly wakes up from her abusive behavior. i don't know if that is called attention-seeking or what.

i was kinda thinking if someone within my close social circle is doing this kind of shitz, probably get all kinds of ~!@#$%^&*()_+ from me and rest.

love. what are you actually seeking for in love? security? that she won't run away with another. in other words, faithful. assurance? that she will stay by your side despite all odds. i think that's faithful too. heck.

why do i feel tired after 7 hours of sleep. bloody overnight low wage job.

i feel obligated to live a better life

it still feels funny talking with your past.
things will never be the same, they said.
i thought i could change that.
that is, if i can change the past.

what is that sadness and happiness i've found with you?

changes

i have to make changes
can't just live my life like this
everyone only got one chance to make this right

to others, i want to say i have live an interesting life.

Project: Change

what's lacking

as usual, a sudden wave of sadness flooded my soul tonight.
it just so happened that, i'm not enjoying life.
not games, they bring only temporary thrills.
no love, i doubt it will come any time soon.

i feel.. i'm wasted.
i'm here, doing nothing.
just letting the seconds tick away.
i look up and see friends around.
they're filling their life with beautiful memories.
having the experience of their life.

i stood in front of the mirror, i dare not see what i see.
for i see no change in this me.
i'm still me.
i'm one with little experiences, knowledge and emotions.
i'm, just a minute self.

they have love, they have happiness
they have ambitions to fulfil
they have dreams to keep

all i have, i don't even know what i have.

searching for a purpose... to live.

nowadays my eyes keep filling up with tears

tears of sadness for the despaired...
touched by the bravery of a few significant ones

have you heard of the lady who slit her wrist and swallowed her gold ring to commit suicide? she said to the rescuers "Save the others!"

and the guy who remained positive underneath the debris and motivated many to do so too. yet when he was finally freed, he died. it's as if the only thing that was keeping him alive was his will.

many stories unheard...

i'm getting emotional. becuz i'm heartbroken.
broken becuz the world is broken.
overwhelmed by the strength and weakness of human kinds.


ANYWAY,
was watching some secondhand serenade youtube music videos.
some phrase that i thought was really relevant to the ladies.

~he asked what was wrong and i smiled and said nothing
then i turned around and whispered everything~

some females have the slightest idea of what they want.
others, just keep everything to themselves and expect their other halve to know what's the problem between.

it hurts. both parties.
talk to him, speak to her.
don't be afraid. be each other's strength and weakness.
love is both strong and weak.


after saying that i was over something in the past,
i was kinda confused abt the question.
which one was the question referring to?
only did have one in my mind.

~stay awake for me~

KOR

From the days I spent with a passion
I was flicked into the interstice between two times

I in the future for me in the past and
I from the past for me in the future
intersect each other in a valley of time-space.

Delicate triangle of pleasant unbalance
had come to pieces,
and you are getting distant from me again.

the summer had begun

i feel like crying

nowadays when i look at the news, i feel like crying.
i'm getting too emotional.

hope my cousin sis and aunt are still alright.

my curse

there are times when i thought it was all just a coincidence.
there are times when i thought i was just down on luck recently.
there are times when i thought, the other 3 of them are just more lucky than me.

but NO.
IT'S NOT THE CASE.

my mahjong curse of having all the stupid tiles doesn't seem to go away
my hand trembled when the 3 of them kept looking in my direction, as if the tile they wanted will definitely come from me.
AND MOST OF THE TIME, IT DID.

shall we play 10/20 cents? haha...

oh ya, cycled home yesterday becuz i didn't want to take a midnight cab.
waste money after losing money is kinda stupid.
but i will still cycle home even if i didn't lose much of won.

tired after a day of a planned ktv which didn't happen, then pool, movie "made of honour" which was good becuz the guys kept saying whatever movies they watch with me is like shitz, and then mj.

i thought to myself, what a class.
we never really did got separated even when our lives are going in different directions.

disaster

earthquake in shen zhen, china.
mum just reminded me i got an aunt and cousin living there. AHHH!!!
but news came that they were fine and sleeping on the beach.
hmm.. hope they are alright. been years since i've seen them.

another country got hit by another kind of natural disaster.
myanmar got attacked by cyclone. haiz..
why do we have natural disasters?

some time ago i read a manga on the story of a japan's earthquake.
ppl dying, trapped under blocks of debris...
what's worse, are the robbery, outrage of violence, the despair of human kinds.
RAPES, MOLESTS, KILLINGS... i hate it all.
when bad things come along, ppl who are weak in the mind, break down under pressure.

so i told myself, i will be strong under any circumstances.
even if i can't find a solution at the moment, i will not cripple.
i shall stand strong, for others, and for myself.

it's been a year since.
that afternoon, that night, that picture.
it's enough.

it's not over

this song brought enough tears to my eyes to let it flows down my left cheek.
i thought of her again.

that night.

道

因为我了解, 所以希望你也能了解
这是我教人之道

因为不希望任何人伤心落泪, 所以我会用我的一生来维护.
这是我其中的人生之道

sick sick sick

shitz.
have been visiting the doc for a consecutive 3 months.
always the same reason.
flu, sorethroat, coughing... -_-
maybe have been working too hard.

spent some time fixing up the new air-con in my dad's room.
our window length seemed a bit too short for the stupid air con.
so we decided to do some drilling. haha..

feeling zZzZ becuz of the illness that's been bugging me over the past week+

hot hot hot

labour day is hot.
staying at home also no mood...

been troubled over work.
to stay or not to stay?
looking at the situation now, it's hard to get a job as relief teacher, kinda late liao.
tuition jobs... it's hard to find pri-sec2 maths and science, in north area.
looked through some A maths questions.
i'm completely lost. unless i looked at the solutions.
basically that means i need to revise the whole damn thing again, or at least the topic, before i teach. which i'm kinda lazy.

how i wish the some tuition centre will just call me up and say, "Hi, we need a maths tutor to teach on tuesday and thursday and sat becuz we know you're working at night on wed and fri."

kinda got frost bite while playing with the dry ice during my mum's bday.
sis bought the swensens ice cream cake, so i took a pail of water to put the dry ice in. it creates a... misty environment for the bday cake during the song.
i think it's healing fast.

talking about healing, one of the 3 wounds on my hand healed miraculously. it's been there for a year. now, the other 2 are getting worse. -_-

i'm losing weight, maybe too tired from work.
and i don't get 2k/mth. should have just passed the freaking agc and earn big bucks being a driver for the air force. but still, presenting those stupid air force discussions still put me off. i rather ord.

thinking about hostel and tuition.
if i live in hostel, hard to get tuition.
but if i don't live in hostel, it's an experience lost.
i'm wondering if this experience is worth the money i'm going to put in for the rent and daily amenities, or necessities.

then i'm thinking about getting better treatment for my darn face.
it ain't going anywhere, the stupid shop is conning me big time.
most shops just con small time.

i'm getting sick of life.

the only few things that is keeping me sane are badminton, going out.
even playing games is making me feel extremely sick and no-life.

tidy up my table today.
the 21st project which was laying there since i-don't-know-when is in an almost complete mess on the ending touches. think i might have to just redo the whole darn thing or just throw it away. i like my table to be neat before i make it messy again.

'weekee'pedia

what's wrong with pronouncing wikipedia as 'weekee'pedia?
not much difference what.

happy bday to dad (29th Apr) and mum (23rd Apr).
dad got a wallet from me who apparently haven't use it yet.
mum got earrings and necklace from sis who apparently also haven't got a chance to use it too, i think.

last day at day job.
doubting my chances of getting any tuition jobs as it's already this time of the year and i'm not really confirm putting in any commitments due to the start of school in august. hmmm... maybe i just skip living in hostel for 4 years in uni. haha.. save money, bring in more income from tuition.

tonight i guess it's going to get real busy at zouk.
i hope the rain will creates havoc for the crowd. haha..

the approaching fear

who is she that makes me so afraid
why does it feels like yesterday that she left
when i know it's nearly been a year
where did i spend all these time

i rmbed my tears in the wee hours of the morning
i rmbed keeping the frame underneath the bed which i sleep on every night
i rmbed myself as a pathetic fool who lost all dignity in exchange for a denied second

humans wish to live a blissful life
but i tend to indulge in this bottomless well of anguish
it's the only way to keep the memories close

meaning

i detest myself.
for being too indulged in senseless activities which i can't pull myself out from.

missed my university admission medical checkup.
looks like i don't really give much a damn abt my uni.

wondering if i can find a job after quitting this.
but surely enough, i want to quit this job.

watching too much manga nowadays.
eyes get too tired while gaming at night.

must plan the trip round taiwan soon.
so we can book the stupid rooms and not risk sleeping elsewhere.

feel like my tummy is getting bigger without any workouts.
but also feel lik my whole body getting thinner, without any workouts.

the shorts don't fit as they did, getting looser.
shitz, i don't wanna waste the money i spent on buying the shorts.

the independent and dependent me.
infusion, or just pretence?

boring sick week

been sick, bored, and tired from work.
hopefully i can get out next week.

starting to think of how well is your memory.
being able to memorise things seem to have a few factors.
one of them is how well do you know the things you're suppose to remember?
for example if i ask a pri 1 kid to rmb a series of 10 numbers, most probably he can memorise and read it backwards by the end of 5 min.
but if i'm asking him now to rmb just 5 mathematical formulas on cosine, sine, tangent, at the end of 5 min, can he do it?

this idea sparked in my mind when i was doing my waitering work.
basically there're a lot of drinks in the bar, and i know most probably... less than 10% of them. so when i take orders from a group, i definitely have to get my notepad out to write down their orders.
unless, they're ordering common things like apple shooters, lychee martini, tiger, flaming lambo, etc. these are like 1 2 3 to me.
but those malibu, johnny walker blue/black/green, bacardi, blah blah blah... and those liquers which i've never heard of -_- these are like... smlj?
worse still, half the time when i don't know the drinks they order, i can't get their pronunciation right. -_-

some weird drinks.

-snow white and the 7 dwarfs
with 7 different liquors and beer, hardly anyone is able to tahan throughout

-vodka tom yan
suppose to be spicy -_-, pure vodka with sweetener of tom yan i guess

-?
forgot the name, but it's champange with orange juice, looks and sound nice.

stupid thing happened yesterday night, maybe was too tired.
left my locker key at my locker. and i didn't even close the locker. -_-
hopefully later able to find back the locker key and nothing is lost inside the locker. anyway the things inside all tan's. haha..

having a routine of visiting borders just before going to zouk.
read up on some comics and psychology stuffs.
one particular title drew my attention.
"the boy who was raised as a girl"

it's a true case-study.
brought out a lot of things to debate on for both science and social science.
nurture or nature? biology or environment? etc etc.
basically his penis got burned at 7 months old during circumcision and his parents decided to raise him up as a girl. the other fact is, he has an identical twin bro.

lots of homosexuality-related books on the shelves, together with the depression section all that.

read for free at borders~

sighz

心情不知为何, 这么都好不起来.
最近生活忙碌, 没时间去想别的事.
是不是太累了, 还是又被记忆纠缠?
会不会一停止, 心又会不知觉的感到失落.

i wanna lose myself in the seduction of speed...

holding on to what i believe in

somehow, the bad memories return to haunt for a while.
but no matter the case, it's the past.
doubts and questions, let's leave them in the past.
there's no answers now too.
even though it may brings back the sadness, the helplessness that i once felt, the times i wasn't given a choice, but force to accept what's decided, and many more.

right now
i just want to hold on to what i believe in.
i imagine myself holding on tightly, so strong a bond, that it will never abandon me.
the empowerment that it bestows upon my very spirit, my ever burning fighting strength and courage to stand lone against the odds.
i am but, an insignificant self to majority.
but forever, i am to myself, the greatest warrior ever lived.
and becuz i believe in that, that i live.
i live to believe, and believe i have lived.

okay.. ain't making much sense... eyes getting painful from the overnight work.

... tired ...

having slept 2.5 hours... this morning is getting quite hard to get by...
got a headache while working last night, must be the late nights again...

finished 1 series of manga, total 17 volumes online over tue and wed in office.. haha... not really concentrating on work.
anyway it's about another love story, but pretty good in my view.

it's getting hard to keep my eyes off beautiful girls sitting around while i have nothing to do and just walk around the bar.

tuesday pool was bad. couldn't really score...
was kinda entangled with the past that day.

going to taiwan... june june. come quick...
i wanna get away, rest a while, and be myself.

lost, and found

i literally threw my key downstairs just now.
then spent around 30 min searching for it among the grasses.
lucky found it.
~example of the stupidest thing that i've done

friday night was horrible.
it was the first friday night waitering.
the section came after the gathering, i didn't even have time to attend to them.
it was too busy.
all of us were like battling against the speedy pace of orders.
taking the orders, getting the payment, serving the drinks, clearing the table, etc etc. felt like i was going to lose control over myself. haha...

sat
awoken by nik's msg of getting the lappy.
my actual first thought was, "can't you come here and get it?"
mainly becuz if i slept at 6am in the morning after a day work, and a midnight waitering work, which is like 17 hours of work in a day, then i want to wake up feeling.. "ah... relax... stay at home.." and not take a single step out of my house.
but still, i went out.
played a little badminton, then off i went to work, AGAIN. -_-
a bit sianz... sat night was quite blur~

sunday, just spent the whole day at night playing games.
super nua after 2 nights of work.
and the right side of my back hurts quite a bit.
probably becuz of badminton and standing too long on the job.
my fingers hurt also, i think i hit them with the racket during badminton. i know it's stupid, but such things happen.

monday, recalled back to camp to get charged for security breach which happened one year again. the fine is $100. haiz... yes, i overlooked the stupid fact. and going back in green, isn't really comforable. wanted to visit poh and liang, but was kinda lazy. so went k with tan. 2 persons are better off than a group in my opinion. the down side is sing until sianz and sore throat.

tml, work. maybe tml i will concentrate.

let's revise what i've learnt.

Vodka - 42 below
Gin - Bombay Sapphire
Rum - Bacardi
Whiskey - Dewars White
Tequila - Sauza
Brandy - Otard
Burbon - Jim Beam

Somebody - Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And live in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often diagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

Beautiful lyrics. absolutely beautiful.
i want somebody.

this is the reason why i want to learn piano, or hope

Madoka - Kyosuke I


Madoka - Missing


Both taken from the old anime KOR.
someday... maybe, i will pick up piano. haha..
I particularly like Kyosuke I.
sweetness of love within the melody that flows...

just some quotes

Even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully.
- Frances Moore Lappe, O Magazine, May 2004

"Isn't it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, Adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us."

The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.
- Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 09-07-06

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
- George Orwell (1903 - 1950), "Animal Farm"

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important.
- Natalie Goldberg

You may delay, but time will not.
- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Me, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for. Because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly…stupid."
- Jack Sparrow

In a nation run by swine, all pigs are upward-mobile and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely.
- Dr Gonzo

"Artificial Intelligence can never beat Natural Stupidity"

“Just because she comes off strong doesn’t mean she didn’t fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe…. she’s really good at lying.”
-> this was what i was afraid of when i was deserted. apparently my worries were redundant.

“Don’t make me wait for you, because you know I will.”
-> i'm so used to sitting around and wait.

something sparks me during lunch.
normally ppl will put this case to you.
if your lover, and your mother dropped into the lake and both of them are drowning, who will you save first?
for me, definitely my mum. of cuz i will afterwards go on a superhumane swim and save my love.

on another case...
let's say in this scenario, it's either you die, or your love die.
now, of cuz any hard lovers will stand true to the "i will die for her!".
i'm not much of a hard lover. never been one, maybe in future when i met another one.
but if you consider the sadness that brings along each death...
maybe you have a lot of closed friends, and a family full of warmth and they will shed countless tears upon your departure to the top or bottom floor..
and your love, is just someone solo, alone in life. no family, no friends.
putting it to the extreme, when she die, nobody will care but you.
when you die, everyone cares.
can you still stand true to your oath of love?

i'm not sure if this is a similar dilemma to the lover and mother case.
but for me in this case, i will be a bit selfish.
save my love, make my family cries.
hopefully my love will live happy though and not get hatred from my family. haha..

now... i'm wondering if i can do well at my night job tonight. then i'm wondering if i can do work tml morn with only 2 hours of sleep...

recently been craving letters on my hands whenever the itch comes.
it works a bit to keep me from scratching.
and revived a little bit of memories.
and then the itch intensifies. -_- and i scratch it altogether.

what is it like to love and be loved by the same person?

hmm.. i think i only felt this once before.
it was sweet, happy.
just thinking abt it makes me giggle and smile.

well, now it's gone. nvm then.

at least i felt it before.
used to envy couples in real life and also in comics or animations.
now... still feeling green abt it. becuz at the moment don't have what. haha..
but don't really care much now. many things i wanna accomplish other than relationships at the moment.

i just passed the uni scholarship application. hmm.. just too lazy to start writing the essay, getting it vetted by teachers... referrals... etc etc. heck, let's just start school now!

as a guy, it feels super gu niang to feel.. hmm.. so much abt love.
despair, happiness, jealously, sorrows, sweetness, and many different variations of emotions.
i don't know why, it's just too... gu niang. i have no better word to replace this.

I'M PROCRASTINATING MY PROJECTS!!! AND IT'S APRIL ALREADY. oh, HAPPY APRIL FOOL DAY!
may i clear my table, do up the latest project, and quickly continue to my next one. i don't want to reach the deadline and then i say to myself, "aiya.. nvm.."
7 more months to deadline. hurry dumbass.

my heart just felt a tinge of love

hmm.. was reviewing through some music videos on the old anime, kimagure orange road.
it was my first, and still, my favourite animation of all times.

i suddenly realise, or perhaps thought of something...
does the craziness of love often occurs during schooling times?
looking at the various animations, school times is really a popular stage for the budding love.

if anyone didn't realise...
it's actually very true to me.
since school is the period of life you practically have no worries or troubles, except perhaps your studies. normally that's the case, provided your family is well, not much disputes, you are on good terms with your friends. hmm.. okay, not much worries i guess. and if the person that you desire to be with is in your school, or even better, in your class, BEST, sitting infront/behind/beside you, lots of quality time i should say. haha..

to date, most of the most stupid stuffs i've done are in school, or during the schooling times. in love, you do a lot of crazy stuffs. but the working society and pace somehow don't really allow you to do that. maybe on weekends. but crazy and stupid stuffs... i still think schooling times are the best. two of you are young, don't really know what's mature, exploring the world, understanding yourself, others... love sparks like crazy. haha...

i guessed i missed those times. double meaning of miss.
uni life, most probably won't be as sweet as the naive of the youth.

saw videos of ppl actually playing the piano pieces of Kyosuke I!
was... excited. i love music. back in pri 4, i was kinda proud to be able to blow Red River Valley using a recorder. haha... there're also some other pieces on youtube, all from the anime kimagure orange road.

though it's old, it's full of emotions. love, rage, jealously, despair, helpless, kindness... lots and lots of feelings involved.

i want to learn to play those pieces. looks quite hard to learn though. -_- very hard.

strange dream

so i was struggling to get up the stairs to the door...
and suddenly i knew i wasn't feeling too well.
my whole body weakened and i fell on knees, i was on all fours.
vision getting blurred.
then i told myself, this is a stupid dream, this is definitely a stupid dream.
and i woke up after i fainted in my dream. -_-" smlj?

recently the nights have been irritating.
if i on my fan, and under my blanket, i feel hot.
if i remove my blanket, i feel cold.
if i off my fan and remove my blanket, i feel hot.
and becuz of the this discomfort i'm having strange dreams.

today's APRIL FOOL DAY~!
hmm.. well, still haven't finish up my project.
i think over the weekends i should take some time off from the com and tidy up my table... and finish up what i started. i think it's collecting dust.

think i didn't mention...
but working as a waiter at 3 nights/week now, together with current day job.
will be damn tired on thursday morning.. becuz wed night got shift.
anyone going to zouk wine bar please keep a look out for me.
so you can sit FAR FAR away from me so i don't have to serve you drinks and snacks.
if possible, tell me in advance so i will take mc.

i feel weird.
becuz i actually enjoyed the first night working, serving drinks and snacks and clearing up the tables till 4 in the morning.
maybe it's just something new.

now... i forgot what i wanted to say. hmm... something to do with... i forgot.

oh ya
it seemed everytime i goes into an unfamiliar environment, my mind will automatically rejects whatever that comes along. like waitering, especially in a place i don't frequent, club. i have to actually force myself to accept. it doesn't comes naturally. if possible, i really like to just stay in a lab or office, and do some research or studies which i'm interested in, experiments all that. it sounds kinda nerdy... but i'm not really into human interaction. but i don't hate it too. i just prefer, the other way.

some time has passed
sorrows don't seem to follow me around that much
it feels rather strange to be without it
i felt abandoned by sadness
it's sad that i'm no longer sad.

i think donating blood makes me tired...
even 7 hours of sleep doesn't feel that rejuvenating as before...
maybe just take more of my blood.
then get mc or what
i can be a full-time paid blood donor.
my job is to lie down and have needles poking me to transfer my AB+ blood into packets of 450ml.
well, it pays really good.
you have free milo, biscuits, sometimes a goodie bag which i got recently.
but it's a quarterly job lah.
maybe if you take enough milo or biscuits home... can actually last you for 3 months till your next donation...

i'm feeling like a small little boy at my waitering job.
becuz i'm a noob.
eating humble pie, some usually says.
but eating the pie and being older than some of them, kinda feel stupid. haha..
maybe i'm too traditional with all these seniors and juniors thingy with the age.
it's the same with badminton and npcc.

back to work.