leaving a footprint, or leaving a trail?

i don't really know why, but the recent events have left me pondering over the question of the level of significance in someone's live.

for example, i don't deem her as a significant part of my life. and thereby avoid any possible interactions with or around her. up until she becomes a significant part of my life, or in the current case, a significant part of a significant person of my life, then perhaps the significance of her existence approaches significance in the positive direction towards p = .05 but still may not necessarily meet the threshold which is subjectively held.

as social convention goes, we're not suppose to hate or dislike anyone, or at least behave so outwardly in the presence of the said persons. that being said, my previous actions of avoidance, obviously towards said person, was explicit until no explainable excuse could be conjured to make it seem likely that it was otherwise so. yet, this continual behavior has to stop since matters reach a point of significance, whether or not it reaches my subjective critical point.

regarding another matter, as i read the open histories of a friend, of which i found rather interesting, i couldn't help but notice the drastic differences. of cuz there are tons of ppl who lead drastically different lives relative to me. the difference here is this; i don't know them. to summarize the general thoughts of this matter cuz it's too troublesome to type it all out; extroverted vs mixed-troverted. yes i made that stupid term out becuz i can't decide which -troverted i am. it's situational dependent, plus mood. oh, that reminds me of the time i was completely ignored at a birthday party, which i could have been happier at another party with hotdogs instead of a fancy-looking one which doesn't even have food that i deem suitable for taste. cheese hotdogs. those were cheese hotdogs that they were having.

i'm starting to feel the oldness in me when i wake up in the morning after a long night's chat. and frankly speaking, it got me worrying for my ippt. damn you 2.4.

normally friends come and go, i don't really care when or how, and sometimes, why. things happen so naturally, you just don't give it much thoughts. my issues with these don't lie with the above questions, but more on how this bond will turn out. with the analogy that i thought of, a footprint is a deeply imprinted mark, while a trail could be seen as a marker into the horizon that someone left behind. the main difference is that the former is singular, and the other, neverending. to put it in terms of how the memory system is proposed to work, an episodic memory VS working memory. somehow it feels that the episodic memory is of a stronger side. but the thing to note is that the working memory is what's now, not then. to put it in reality, many (or according to long-term memory, limitless) people can be in our episodic memory, but there's only so much we can put in our working one. and true enough, i care less for the people in the episodic part of my memory than my working ones. i don't have that much care to go around and distribute to everyone that i want to care about.

at this point in life, most friends can easily slip into the episodic part. the phase of being in the university is as such. you're not forced to see each other every weekday like back in the good old days before college. at some point, the academic world gives you the liberty to not even show up for classes. good and bad, but seriously unrelated to me since i'm not having much social conversations in class for the past 3 years, and i doubt it will start in my final.

with this thought that i had tonight, i began to wonder other's existence to me and my existence to others. do you first determine the significance of that person's existence to you and thereafter seek to approach that significance through social interactions, and if that is achieved beyond a certain threshold, try to maintain the closeness that you've found? or do you just let things happen and see how it goes? and with natural selection, you'll be left with who you're destined to be with. it's quite possible that you end up with no one though.

feel like slping already. damn you tiredness.