3rd week in Tamworth

i'm into my 3rd week in tamworth, australia. growing fatter by the day. you can't believe how different it is here and back at home. the food is always, meat. lamb, beef, pork, chicken, you name it, they got it. haha..

trying to keep fit by playing basketball. well... ain't really working out fine. i'm just shooting the ball, not really running about. i'm not sure is it the altitude that i'm at, or i'm just unfit. i'm 1300 ft above sea level, i guess the air has less O2. hoping that's the case. haha... or else when i go back home, it's a hell lots of running to get back my fitness again. -_-

suppose to have my test 1 yesterday, but was cancelled due to bad weather. postponed to monday. now i'm having the mood of... pass = good, fail = ORD LOH!!! and i ask myself many times, which is better? seriously, which is better? get over and done with the national service, or continue having lots and lots of shitz but you're getting paid with a very decent salary.

i ask myself again, is pilot the path for me? is it the best opportunity i've got? is it the life i want? if i really become a pilot, what will it affect? my family? spouse? pilot does travel a lot.

how does anyone knows what's the best path for them? which is the job they want to dedicate their life to? is it the best subject that they can score in their secondary education? and hence studied that in university and thereafter graduating with a degree hoping that this piece of paper with the justicfication of them excelling in their individual fields will bring them to a good career life? nobody knows exactly what will happen in the future. how will it affects them, and the people around them, no one knows.

it's like choosing your life partner. some get attached, and then deattached. you can't do that in jobs right? becuz it will take like forever to get into a different field, unless it's jobs like business. you just need the brain, not the cert for that. so in love, when we have a chance to choose, pick, and decide, we will always do. getting fussy, picky, and cautious over what we want. it's like the virtue of all mankind to fully utilise what we can, to make it all worthwhile.

rmb the scenario of asking a person to walk through a garden, and then picking the most beautiful flower he see? he just kept picking and throwing and picking and throwing. that's damn stupid. he should have just pick all of them, bundle them up together. haha... or he can just choose one flower and stick to it.

as for me, i will just walk through the whole garden first, then second round, i will just pick the chosen one.

talking too much crap. it's bored here.

i completed mega man x3, again. seriously, bored.

at most 3 more weeks. then i'll be home.

First Week

first week in australia.
not bad, the food is good, the weather is cold, very windy sometimes, but going to be hot soon. there's ice cream every meals, i'm getting fat.
haven't fly yet, probably next tue starting. now is the studying phase.
using my friend's internet, cuz i don't really want to pay so much for the internet. so will be occasionally updating.

just a few words to nik since she's not online.

yoz, kinda sorry abt the call the other day. thought was quite irritating asking you abt the matter. hmm... what's done is done. hope you can get over it soon. it won't take a day or two, maybe a month. cry if you must, but don't let it affect your life too much. learn from it, you will find another one. but do note, the other party may not always treat and love you as much as you do. can't be there to talk to you, but hope you're doing well.

don't really miss home. life is quite okay here. night ends early. over here is singapore time +3. sometimes still think abt her, but hmmm... just wait until i'm back. haha...

that will be all for now.

I'm just a fool

well... i really have nothing much to do at home. hmm.. suddenly i feel very much like a fool. haha..

just realised that ppl will behave differently in front of different ppl. hmm.. in the case of relationship, the behaviours will differ from your first, to your married. perhaps they themselves have change over time, another viewpoint is that they will change their behaviour accordingly to their partners. for example, if the girl's boyfriend is a little towards the passive side, she may just play more of the active role in the relationship. there may be similar traits of you treating your current and your ex, but no doubt, it's your personality. maybe you prefer a hug than a kiss during your past relationship, and in the current, you still do. as for me, both are fine, best together. hahaha...

there are many factors in a relationship that can make it work, and make it not work. some factors are already pre-determined even before the relationship even started, but the fact that it began, cannot be erased. in the heat of passion? love makes all ppl blind? ppl tend not to think with all these excuses. what matters most as always seem, is the mutual feeling towards one another. some ppl get together hoping to be together forever. some, just need a temporary company. some others, got together and then realise the whole thing just can't work out. then you feel silly why you didn't think about the whole the thing in the first place. well.. i can only say that, love, is a gamble. a gamble for either a scar, or happiness.

feeling tired...

Before Departure

In a few hours time i will be leaving for australia, tamworth, for my 1-mth pilot training. hmm.. a kind of different feeling from when i left for taiwan last year. this time, there's a slight feeling of missing home, and the company in singapore. perhaps recently i have been staying home. a sense of uncertainness lingers around. will i pass this air grading test? and move on for my pilot career? or within this 1 month, my fate as a pilot trainee will end? something like a lvls. i feel... excited, uneasy. believe in yourself, as i've always say. i believe, i will be an excellent fighter.

recieved kristie's card, along with a scorpion-shaped paper clip today. nice! haha.. well, it's the only gift i have this time. perhaps i can count the pictures drawn by nik as presents also ba. haha.. 10 years and counting, looks like i'll be old-fashioned and continue sending cards through post. =)

had a small chat with an old friend. she is still busy as ever. haha... is uni life that busy? i wonder.

this kinda brought me to a point... boyfriends' insecurity.
hmm... some guys may feel insecure on the relationship, on how things will turn out in the future. it doesn't really matter if they have confidence in themselves, but perhaps, they have no confidence in the girls. or worst, no confidence in both. heard of ppl who hurt themselves to make their partner stay, or when they can't stand stand the pain of the separation, hurting themselves is a solution. it's quite a simple solution, both situations. to keep their spouse, or to keep the heartbreak away. cuts, bruises, getting into trouble and then get beaten up, all sorts of things when you ain't thinking right. hurting oneself is just a temporary solution. you can't possibly do that forever. i mean... imagine next time you have to think of places to hurt yourself. "now... where can i cut myself that has no scars?" that will be a dumb thing right? i'm worried for my sis.

now there's another insecurity. it's called... my insecurity towards her. haiz

when hopes are high, you crash down faster and deeper than anyone else. i don't really want to keep my hopes high when she asked to send me off. i can't say no, becuz i wish that she could. and when i finally know that she can't make it just hours before going to the airport, it just doesn't feel good. as you were eagerly waiting through the night, and the whole morning until the early afternoon, then you got the results which you didn't wish for. it feels.. bad. maybe i think too much into stuffs... move on, that's what i heard from everyone. haha... maybe i'll stay for a while. what can i do, when everything i hold to so tightly, are the things i can't give up. just, for a little longer, i'll stay.

well, anyway, i'll get over this stupid issue. hmm.. maybe the guys will be there? haha.. it's okay to be alone lah. being alone doesn't bothers me. being lonely, that's what everyone's afraid of.

early happy birthday to favian, minjie, weilynn for the month of nov while i'm away.

and the death anniversary of my wu gui is coming soon. hmm. forgot how many years since it died.

good day, and good bye.
it's just a month. haha...

想太多

你笑着说
他是朋友
但你眼中太温柔
我的不安
那么沉重
只有你不懂
他霸占了你的心中
属于我的角落
所以你说
我们不是你和我
是我想太多
你总这样说但你却没有真的心疼我
是我想太多我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由
他霸占了你的心中属于我的角落
所以你说我们不是你和我
是我想太多你总这样说
但你却没有真的心疼我
是我想太多我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由
我想我没有错怪了什么
虽然你不说或许错在我
太晚我才懂爱了你太多
是我想太多你总这样说
但你却没有真的心疼我
是我想太多我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

is this how it is? haha...

Because I fly

Because I fly I laugh more than other men
I look up and see more than they,
I know how the clouds feel,
What it's like to have the blue in my lap,
to look down on birds,
to feel freedom in a thing called the stick...
Who but I can slice between God's billowed legs,
and feel them laugh and crash with His step
Who else has seen the unclimbed peaks?
The rainbow's secret?
The real reason birds sing?
Because I fly I envy no man on earth

Anonymous

~What else can i do, to make her see me?
Where can i find answers, when i don't want this to continue, nor end?

2nd Nov

Such a familiar date to me... something that i would count down to during the young me... something that i will really look forward to, something that makes me feel special.

however in recent years, i began to realise, it should not be something i should really look forward to. hmm... it feels rather empty this year. just had a dinner at harbourfront centre in the chinese resturant. the food was okay lah.

didn't have cake. i suppose it's 3 years in counting ba. haha.. not that i desperately want it. these years... i lack the excitement of celebrating my own birthday. i have no wish to even buy a present for myself like i used to. maybe i take the laptop as my early present to myself. i feel tired...

today's the last day in air force school as air graders. provided some feedback regarding the overlook in some of the admin stuffs... hopefully they take it well, and not take it bad. or else next time i'm back, the working relationship will not be good ba. half day off, decided to visit the card shop i saw in raffles shopping centre and bought one for nik. actually almost the same price as those in popular. the design is simple, plain but was rather elegant in a way. the inside damn empty, maybe should put in more things ba.

lots of wishes today... like to thanks a few special ones.

nik - for being the first, and also for the pictures she drew.
tan - for being the second, and asking when's my birthday
kristie - for every year since 1999, that she never fails to send her greetings
hao - for smsing me at 1am plus, but to my mum's hp, or my old hp no.
eugene and chee keen - for making a long distance call in the middle of the day all the way from australia just to say happy birthday to me
tzeyong - for rmbing my bday
swee ying - same, really, didn't expect it
hwee ying - i think it's her, cuz i don't have her in my contact list. probably lost it while transferring phone
someone - i don't know who is he, but, ya, he sms me a bday greeting.
sharon - for a nice bday sms
xiangyong - for wishing me luck in my pilot
jasmine - for saying a simple happy bday
chew swee - same
shawn - same
yewtuck - same
hl - for a 'take care' msg
eve - for waiting to sms at midnight but doze off halfway, then wake up in the early morning in a blur mood and finally send the msg

basically i think whoever wishes me is special. haha...
i'm waiting for the day, the day which i will feel special.

~what are you waiting for? go chase it.

suppress your expectations, depress your desires, arrest your feelings.
either you stay in the shadows forever, or shine in the brightest light.

i'm a scorpio.
i believe, and i create.