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春夏秋冬没有你，还算什么四季

made me cry

deep inside, it still hurt that she's not around anymore.
and i realised, it's not that i can't stop my tears.
it's becuz, i want to cry for her.

so i let this sadness overwhelm me for tonight
more than regrets, more than memories
for my future, no longer holds true with her.

sometimes i really wish there's someone close to me,
close enough for me to hold
to let out, or to relieve, even a bit of the sadness that i repressed within

i still can't forget the shock of that night.
i still can't believe she's gone just like that.
i still can't forgive myself, becuz i have no reason to.

becuz of you, i realised one of the hardest thing in life, is not to cry.

soccer? nope. badminton is still way better.

it's a preference that i don't see changing till the day i close my eyes forever.

just watched lin dan vs lee chong wei, thomas cup 2010 semi finals.
it was thought that lcw couldn't perform under pressure and ld was, on other hand, playing at his standard. lcw made quite a number of mistakes on his part which gave points away while ld displayed his quickness to get lcw into tight spots.

nice game.

i wanna play.

看着她

当我看着自己曾经很喜欢的女生
穿着白色的婚纱
和另一个男生
牵着手

一种复杂的感觉
有感动，因为她得到幸福
有遗憾，为何不是我给的
有羡慕，在她身旁的男人
有觉悟，错过的永不回来

to change

there's only so much time in a day. 24 hours.
we used up every bit of it, even if i'm just sitting infront of my monitor and typing these words.
there's no saving of time, there's no storage.
there's no travelling through time, if you don't consider space travel.
so is time still limited?
or perhaps, time is unlimited.
we just put a value to this seemingly infinite value.

i don't like to deal with things that can't be dealt.
but things that i can deal with, i'm just in the inertia of doing it.
and i think it's a good time to push through.

to change within a limit
i realized it means to give something up, in order to gain something else
i decided to give tiles up.

it felt like i've never left.

today i had a rather weird, dull feeling, something of an insight
that i didn't really left myself years ago
when i went from hopeful to being despair
then she came along and blew me away
it would have been fine till she left
and i'm left thinking, i'm still haven't really got myself back
the past few years, i've been holding back things i wanna do
until someone gave a push, i'm just staying put
it wasn't like that.
i wasn't like that.

today, ends my rt session.
cleared my ippt. almost the same as last try, just that my 2.4km passed.
this regimental rt session might have ended
but i felt that something else should end too

to put a fullstop on my unwilling self
have i grown out of being passionate? i hope not.
as i somehow decided to walk to the train station which was unexpectedly far away, and then to walk to the next train station because i was in the middle of both of them, i kept my mind afresh of these thinkings.

out of nowhere, there she is again. was.
a smile, a wave, and there she went.
and i imagined how blur my face must have been right after we broke eye contacts
short-sighted, i'm still not used to how short my sight is and can't help with the startled face when i see a familiar
but there she is, was.
and i took it as a sign that, something should change. a must, an intiation.

just like that awfully blissful feeling i felt when we were, and not she and me.
now, i just have to do it again. without her.

and now, it felt more like i've left everything behind.

~my self-therapy.
whether it's the truth, or made-up truth

when everything just doesn't flow

there are days when you just feel that every thing that you do, is not going well.
i remember there was once during bmt, when the plt sgt took away my bayonet becuz it wasn't secured properly. hours later, my finger got stung by an unknown flying insect which i tried to swept away when it landed on the back of my neck. it was so pain, i couldn't call for help for a few secs while i was kneeling there, squeezing my finger as tightly as i could to numb the pain of the sting. hurts for hours without medical application before it finally subsided.

a few other similar days in army, and perhaps every parts of life that we experienced.
things just keep rolling and rolling.
the chinese saying of, 福无双至 祸不单行。
happiness doesn't come in pairs, and trouble doesn't come alone.
sometimes, it might just be that one turning incident and you suddenly turns into this 'haiz..' mood.
which implicates further events, or influence the outcome of events.
but even knowing that, it's hard to turn the table over.
you're trapped within this deep spiral, or a better analogy may be the spiral dive of the plane. up till a certain point of time, the plane will not be able to get out of this descending spiral. as in us, it's not within our full control to switch our emotions, attitudes and feelings in a way. instinct and reflex kicks in.

i'm finding less and less meaning in living the holidays without any significant events.
mj has been like a game to lose money instead of gambling.

secret

it's my secret.
it's my darkness.
it's my personal space, my privacy, which i refused to allow anyone near it.
to let my little dark secret be isolated from the world
somewhere secluded
somewhere alone
somewhere just me and my secret.

becuz i can't afford to have others know
i'm still stalking on my past, occasionally.
which part of the past, nobody knows.
i even blocked out that part of memories when i'm not alone.

'booking' around

i'm kinda used to bringing my book around.
even to mahjong session.
just to have something to read on the ride there.

when coming back, a female stranger approach meed when we alighted the train and asked whether i read a previous book written by the author, and what's the difference btw the previous and the book i'm carrying. i answered it's a different feel. haha.. thinking back, it sounds rather vague.

before she asked, i already felt like she was noticing me. but now i know it's my book, not me. should be around my age.

well anyway, feeling more and more lonely as days pass.
maybe he's right.
my life ain't really much.

i just get stuck within the my super comfortable world, reluctant to leave a step out.
but it's hard. karen asked me to out with pat and poh, with the rest of poh's gang.
i'm reluctant, becuz i don't know whether i can behave naturally with them, especially with those whom i have never converse with before. and it's a outing, dinner, not like a short chat in sch. can't escape if it gets too dull, stupid.

few days back, darts outing at forest pub with dear manager being the only female but still organised the outing. the pub was bigger than dartzplace, but emphasize more on soft-tip. old songs as bgm as some customers sang.. some horrible, some okay lah. generally a better place to be with than dartzplace. i liked the atmosphere better. more secluded, more spacious, a friendlier place.

after that went to partyworld till 3am at a price of 30 bucks. first ktv with dart group, but it turned out alright, and quite fun also. though i don't know if dear manager was singing or whispering to the damn mic.

it's easy to compare my psych friends with the dartz team.
i can speak chinese, have pervertic talks, and behave more like me with the dartz team.
it's me, whom i want to be, when i'm out.

searching for a companion.
is that really necessary?
but it doesn't make sense if someone just drops from the sky and decides they're your other half.

life,
lonely as can be.
love,
same as life.

i fell.

it doesn't take me long to fall for a person.
but i will resist every bit of it until i can't deny this feeling has overwhelmed every other thoughts i have of her.

overnight partyworld and then chatting to the dawn.
not the way to go when you're getting old and having tuition the morn after.