reason,or excuse.

you were always my reason to be a better man.
you were there to support my motivation, you were my goal.
now that you're gone, i found myself lost.
un-pushed, un-pulled, unmotivated.

another excuse for procrastination.

i thought of this in the shower

他们说爱情不能强求，但感情更不能自由

it becomes a habit to think of lyrics while singing with some random melody, in the shower.

i can't help it if i thought of her while generating these words. it helps. haha.

the real challenge of the weekend is to complete the 8 reports for accop, and have spare time to play BoI.

anyway, i asked for comments from a friend. she said she was fine with the first part, but was rather skeptical about the second. feelings can be controlled. i don't really know about that. i always get this funny feeling when someone i fancy comes along. it's the 'wantingness' to get closer, to know more, to explore the uncharted. i refuse to use 'desire', it seemed too strong a word. or maybe it is, i just refused to admit it. it's instinct, it's adaptation, or is it just me who seemed to fancy any pleasant-looking girl the comes along my way? haha..

情歌
可以让一个人感觉到以往的甜蜜
也能让他内心遭到已忘记的苦涩
他的悲伤
她的苦衷
我习惯让自己融入在他和她的故事里
不管是好的结局
还是悲剧收场
或是永远得延续
总好过活在自己一定的过去

how i hope what i have just written is even a bit relevant to what i'm gonna rush for the next 24 hours. still i asked myself, 'why me? why? i don't want to write for exams and now i'm writing from being a volunteer. why?'

sometimes the challenges are not hard, but they are challenges becuz i procrastinate so much. then again, some of my greatest achievements are done thru a rush.

procrastination

procrastination increases dramatically during the holidays.
like now.
8 reports undone.
deadline on monday.
i'm less than 48 hours away to complete this shit.

little surgery

did a small surgery on my left fourth finger to remove the irritating abnormal growth that i've been having since around jan. if i'm not wrong, it's a pyogenic granuloma. kinda interesting to numb my whole finger. initially when it wasn't entirely lost of pain receptors, the doctor inject something into the skin. damn painful. he asked "painful ah?" see my face you know liao lah. he did it the 2nd time, but i didn't feel a thing. interesting. the nerve endings were affected, but not the muscle nerves. i still can move my finger.

anyway, the surgery was a quick one. numb, cut, and burning the wound to stop the bleeding. i just changed the dressing myself, can't really see what's in the hole cuz of the blood, but the hole is there alright.

few more days to finish 8 reports.

third session of RT today. buay tahan.

to be misunderstood and wrongfully accused

i never did forget my anger towards her.
of how she accused me of showing behaviors so stupid i don't even know where to draw inspiration from for those actions.

him, i was always prepared to explain.
we were more than just common friends; brothers.

perhaps i should have been a stronger person back then.
with the courage to face someone who has misunderstood me, and to correct my accusations.
but it's always the feeling of giving up the trouble of clearing up the murky water.
let it be. besides, how does the other side feels if they knew they were wrong? that so much was said becuz of the negative emotions that they were having which biased a negative evaluation of my words? psychology, you never really know when it will get to you.

so now i will always have this knot that i refused to face.
becuz it irks me so much to have to explain to someone i have negative emotions to, and to still know that it's never gonna part with me completely.

i will remember ppl who questions my personal values, and tarnishs my pride.
becuz for now, i do not seek understanding.
yet, revenge isn't on the agenda. even though i hope it's on my to-do list, and that the common saying that revenge doesn't clears the hatred in the heart isn't true.
i don't want to hang on to the felt hatred from the past but still i can't just let it go.

my silent protest against you,
and you will never know.

it doesn't really matter to you.
becuz i'm sure many of your past several remarks on others have brought them to 'negatize' towards you.
so much of it that maybe you're pre-determined to be insensitive or have just been numbed.
but to me, all i can remember about my undesired linkage to you, is the hatred of probably a lifetime.
not that the intensity remains as before, but the association to it will always be prominent.

back to the camp, soon.

had a dinner with jim and ck couple of days back.
usual meeting place at the marina sq jack's place.
food was okay, but a little short of satiety for me.
turned quite hungry late in the night.

anyway, talked about the old times, about the upcoming ict, some parts on our current doings... saw eugene, spike pc. went to the helix bridge, walked to near the casino. i talked to the cute girl at the concierge to ask for directions to nearest mrt and it turned out to be the way back. looks like the casino ain't really that accessible, yet.

was too late at night for me to take the train back, was wondering how to get back until jim offered me a ride, on his bike. first time on bike, so damn cooling and windy on the expressway. although it feels pretty much naked on the streets. when they say man covering machine, it's not kidding. it's a feeling. was a little misty that night, wondering if it looks like that everytime we went by the expressway at night.

i preferred a bike to a car now. but i don't think my mum agrees with me. haha..

b-process

among the addiction theories, there's something called the presence of b-process as opposed to a-process. a-process are those emotions or physiological reactions to the things that you're getting addicted to (i.e. drugs). b-process is the opposite reactions that are involuntarily initiated by the body either emotionally or physiologically in the opposite directions. as times of consumption increase, b-process tend to overtake a-process, which actually means you feel like taking more of the drugs becuz the b-process is levelling the desired a-process emotions. theory is not really supported, but well, it's one of the many around.

love is some sort like an addiction. it's desirable, and afterwhich when you're deprived of it, you want it even more. it's funny how people felt like they're in control of themselves when they are lost in their own automatically-elicited emotions or feelings. perhaps without conscious or self-initiated cognitive processing.

i myself love to get lost in my own emotions. it's so easy to get indulged in the walls of despair and just lose yourself. at another end of the spectrum perhaps, is the experience of the flow, coined by mihaly czikszentmihalyi. maybe ppl like to lose themselves in parallel dimensions. whether is it in heaven or hell. i personally vouch for this. haha...

oh my... has it been 3 years already? it seemed just yesterday i passed my pilot interview and first kissed a girl. ha. i'm getting so old... not comparing to the others, but relative to my youth. it's kinda fun to look back on younger times and see how stupid one was back then. sometimes, you discover you're still kinda in the same way, stupid, at the current state.

b-process. hell, you gave me my first major b-process. but rehab is done, long ago. it's just that there're still some external associations that are cueing about you.

~to let you in was less a mistake than getting close to your heart, with mine.

emotions of the past

it's especially scary to know that one has absolute control of whatever emotions that were experienced in the past, and bringing them into the present self.
and to feel addicted to experiencing that emotion of sadness and despair, is even worse.

you bring the saddest emotion up and refused to stop somehow.

bringing the fictional world into mine

i'm wondering whether is it possible to actually learn or work under dr. paul ekman in his company 'paul ekman group' which is based in san franciso, CA.
it seemed that the study of deception is able to benefits various organizations, specifically in the criminal fields.
i admit it's the coolness of the ability that attracted me.
but so far, i think in this little country, there're ain't much trainings on it.
perhaps becuz we haven't really feel the need of this ability, yet.

but to be able to work under a man who is listed under the top 100 most influential person in TIMES and also one of the most famous contemporary psychologists in our times, now that would be an amazing learning experience.

maybe i'll read up on his books and articles over this holidays.
holy shit, i'm getting more and more drive by the thirst of knowledge day by day.

oh ya, air tickets cost nearly 1.5k to san francisco. if i go over there, i think come back bankrupt liao. haha..

psych2010

woke up early in the morning to go sim for psychscene.
so the whole day was about sitting in lecture halls and just listening to ppl talk.
wanted to ask the bsu guy more about job scope related to lie detection;deception stuffs.
but he was swarmed with lots of other more ethu ppl after he ended his speech, till the next lecturer came over. i got too -_- and just went on listening to other talks.

somehow, a girl who sits by herself in a lecture hall seemed lonely.
if i knew her, i'll go sit next to her. haha..

like it short

just cut my hair.
it is damn short.
and i like it. haha..

少了头发，少些烦恼。

it feels good to feel my head now with most of the hair gone.
refreshed, and preparing for thursday motivation paper.

adding one more item to the list...

i feel like learning wing chun.

Interesting FML post

Today, my boyfriend told me about a dream he had. It involved me cheating on him in the back of another man's car, and in his dream, he imagined that he tried to call me while I was having sex. In reality, everything he mentioned actually happened. I'm so scared he must be some kind of prophet. FML

haha.. wtheck. screwed up girlfriend.
i'm guessing the guy must have known she's cheating on him.
he's just trying to make her come out.

spent the sunday being unproductive as i'm still at lect 1 of the human motivation.
being the module of human motivation, i'm hardly motivated myself. ha.
taught dad how to download videos from youtube.
kinda hard when he isn't a frequent computer user.
well, at least he learns.
maybe i'll teach mum some other things someday.

ear still blocked.
i'm beginning to wonder if it ever gonna go away, that ringing sound in my ear~
warm day, i'm sweating on my leather chair.
30 degree showing on my air con. think it's prompting me to switch it on. will do.

few more days to the last paper.
then there's psychscene to go to.
then prepare for asian conference.
then prepare to go back camp for rt.
then plan to go overseas. wondering what's there at california.
then prepare for july ict.
then worry about money.

what a great 4 mths holiday.

ear still blocked.

the soluwax ear drops seemed to be working, but quite slowly.
so i decided to drop more than the doc-recommended. haha..
i think it's getting better.
noticed how you sound differently if you covered your ear canal?
few days back, i sound the same whether with my right ear covered or not.
now, some subtle difference, i think.

still haven't started revision on last paper. -_-
like holiday mood already for me. haha...