Thursday, March 31, 2011

bad results

was shocked when i saw my health psych results. i was the top 5 from the bottom. wtheck? seriously, i did so badly? i can't remember what the questions were. but then, can't believe i scored so badly. could possibly be my worst score in my whole uni life. just passed. smlj.

this sem hasn't been going so well. i'm held up in my study, couldn't get myself to read or do things. internship application's in a mess. projects and presentation are approaching so fast i could feel a panic attack coming.

damn it. have i lost the motivation to study ever since i knew my first class was gone?

there's hope!

have been kinda anxious these couple of days after realizing i'm might not be getting an intern. but this morning, i saw hope~!

the other contact person at the m-lab replied my army boss saying there might be a chance, and he's looking into it. i hope this goes well.

suddenly, a whole new problem pops up in my head. the ICT in the middle of nowhere. heard several deferments got rejected by CO. if CO can even reject school interns, much less mine.

haiz... it's busy busy till the finals again. 5 more weeks to the papers again. this sem is fast.

Monday, March 28, 2011

i'm in deep shit

i woke up with the attitude that, 'oh, another week just started....'
when i checked my internship application again, it said the deadline was this morn, 10am.
i remembered it being in the night.
the next moment i shifted my attention to the lower right of the monitor to check the time.
10.16am. couldn't forget the sight.
i was 16 minutes late.
in a desperate attempt to log in and try my luck to see if i can still apply, the ntu server denied any hope of that.
then i thought of calling the office up to ask them if i can apply, it's only a few minutes late.
but i hestitated.
still hoping that the m-lab over at hong kong could perhaps open an intern position for a psychology student.
seriously, there's little hope in this.
it's a digital company, not really those mainstream psychology internships.
and i don't even know if there's an internship offer.
my immediate superior introduced this company to me during my callback on sat and he did me a favor by asking them if they could accept psycho interns.
he said, "fingers crossed".

now, to logically compare btw the choices.
for school, i could say i'm almost 100% confirmed to get an internship, somewhere.
perhaps not as interesting as i wanted, or in my field of interests.
for m-lab, it's almost all that i could ask for. except i don't have the IT abilities, just the psychological theories, which i'm not even proficient in.
furthermore, m-lab might not even accept me even if they are open for interns.

the safe choice is definitely to go with the school.
but the possiblity of going to m-lab is too good to miss.
the experience would be so much more fulfilling than any of those open in phase 2 of the sch internship programmes.
hard choice to make.

but anyway, destiny has actually decided for me what the choice is gonna be when i realized i was late for phase 2 registration. cuz if i registered for phase 2, i can't back up from it if i get selected. i seriously wonder what they can do if i do back up from the programmes. they gonna charge me? haha..

now i'm having this terrible discomfort that has been surrounding my thoughts the whole day. i distracted myself by playing the rpg game on my iphone. which is obviously deterring me from doing my school work, thus, i'm back to worrying about my internship, and trying to see other possiblities. mindef talk is coming up, i signed up for it. maybe this is my backup. if the m-lab doesn't reply by 31st mar, then perhaps i'll try for mindef. not my 1st choice, but kinda my only choice besides going to hong kong. other than these two, would be contacting some of the companies that actually were offering intership programmes, but now i would ask them for actual part-time work placement. i don't really care about chopping those 5 school credits during the internship. even if the school doesn't approve it, internships are still pretty valuable as an experience.

to sum it up.
i have low possibility of getting an intern position.
which means i'm in deep shit.
if the m-lab accepts me,
i'm so gonna work my ass off for them.

haha... life's full of shits like this when you don't really pay attention to it.
sometimes i think it's fun to suddenly realize this kind of things rather than anticipate events, plan them in advance... not to say just passively wait for things to happen. but to work towards events, and still allow life to fill you in with other opportunities.

what's the worst that could happen>
i'll be free from late may to early august.
hahaha...
that actually means i'm free to join the guys for taiwan.
whee~

Sunday, March 27, 2011

sleep deprivation

i just woke up from a 10 hours sleep. 10 hours isn't a long sleep. but compared to how much i've been sleeping.. it was pure enjoyment.

didn't sleep on thurs night to rush a report to be handed up on fri. i'm guessing i would probably scored 60%, haha... shitz. i was concentrating on the report for a week. perhaps my stats isn't all that strong. somehow, i just can't comprehend what the question is asking. maybe it's my foundation of understanding that's lacking. anyway, fri i was out for supper and played deal till 5+ when i reach home. packed my things for sat mob callback. slept at 6am.. then got called up at 8am -_-. had to drag my ass out of home with my gears in uniform, get occasional stares from the public, either becuz i'm carrying so much stuffs and looked a bit stupid, or becuz i'm still wearing the old army clothes. reached the camp, and for the whole day, do nothing -_-. although i did the occasional checking of equipments, helping lost men trying to get a hold of what's going on... talking to friends... but the thing i needed the most was sleep. got a lift from friend after CO finally let the commanders off and reached home near 8. bathed. was so tired, i skipped dinner. that means i ate only Lor Mai Kai for the whole day... wow. i got so tired, my body didn't even bother to send my signals of hunger. went to bed after doing some stuffs, and here i am.

quite a meaningless trip back to army. but it's great to see the old friends again.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

issues

when she was telling the injustice that she suffered from her partner, i could deeply feel the sadness that was kept inside of her. her eyes, slightly watery, looked at me with hope that perhaps, i could ease her misery.

i told myself, i will strive to not let this woman down.

林忆莲 - 伤痕

夜已深
还有什麽人
让你这样醒着数伤痕
为何临睡前会想要留一盏灯
你若不肯说
我就不问
只是你现在不得不承认
爱情有时候是一种沈沦
让人失望的虽然是恋情本身
但是不要只是因为你是女人
若爱得深
会不能平衡
为情困
折磨了灵魂
该爱就爱
该恨的就恨
要为自己保留几分
女人独有的天真
和温柔的天分
要留给真爱你的人
不管未来多苦多难
有他陪你完成
虽然爱是种责任
给要给得完整
有时爱 美在无法永恒
爱有多销魂
就有多伤人
你若勇敢爱了 就要勇敢分
夜已深
还有什麽人
让你这样醒着数伤痕
为何临睡前会想要留一盏灯
你若不肯说
我就不问
(music)
若爱得深
会不能平衡
为情困
折磨了灵魂
该爱就爱
该恨的就恨
要为自己保留几分
女人独有的天真
和温柔的天分
要留给真爱你的人
不管未来多苦多难
有他陪你完成
虽然爱是种责任
给要给得完整
有时爱 美在无法永恒
爱有多销魂
就有多伤人
你若勇敢爱了 就要勇敢分
女人独有的天真
和温柔的天分
要留给真爱你的人
不管未来多苦多难
有他陪你完成
虽然爱是种责任
给要给得完整
有时爱 美在无法永恒
爱有多销魂
就有多伤人
你若勇敢爱了 就要勇敢分
夜已深
还有什麽人
让你这样醒着数伤痕
为何临睡前会想要留一盏灯
你若不肯说
我就不问

very nice chinese oldie.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

morning breakfast

still up.
haven't sleep.
staring at the monitor.
got hungry.
waited till 4am.
walked to macdonalds.
eat macmuffins w egg set.
alone.
thought about her.
walked back with tea in hand.
nobody along the way.
sang my heart out along with the radio.
felt better.
reached home.
full.
prepared to do work.
but rather sleep.

video of her

everytime i see that video, it feels like i'm still in love with her.

saw a rather meaningful video on youtube by wongfu prod, done solely by phil.
it's about when a couple breakup, they usually either try to forget about it, or dwell on the past.

but there's a third option.
you can move on, without trying to erase those memories.
just let go, and move on.

i've gotta start doing work...
this recess is as shitty as the last 5 recess.
becuz i just laze around and do nothing.

Friday, March 11, 2011

inspired

after you watch a video of someone great,
you just can't help but feel that great sense of inspiration.
that you can be someone great too.

Michael Jordan - my idol.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What men think about apart from sex?

That's the title of the book that I saw years ago when I was in aust. What's so special about this book is becuz... Inside the 200 pages, there are no words at all! It's just a book for fun. Thus, many college students thought it was kinda fun and bought the book as a notebook. News spread and soon it became a hotseller. Haha..

Interesting eh? Heard it on yes933 radio this morning.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Small incident

Just walked past a group of secondary school students and saw that they were standing in the middle of nowhere and all of them were focusing on one of the girls. One guy was supporting her from behind, she seemed weak and in distress. In a moment of seconds, she fell to the ground. I didn't think she fainted, but she was in tears and looked very fragile. Passerbys stopped on their tracks to observe them, curious about what's happening to the poor girl. A few went forward to investigate more. I was tempted too, but I gotta go school. Plus, with a big bunch of them, they should be able to do something. So I went ahead and left the scene. Soon the station was alerted by some kind passerby and they brought a wheelchair to bring her to somewhere else. Could see she was sobbing, and I think the guy by her side throughout was her bf.

Could enter the psychology textbook as a small example of the Bystander effect. Although the classic case of the lady who was murdered with over 30 witness in the night was the most commonly used one, situations like this could be seen in everyday's happenings. Even I, who knows the existence of such theory, refused to step forward and offer help, but instead, comfort in knowing that there's a high probability that the girl in trouble would get help soon.

Then again, I was wondering if the opposite was to happen, that a whole bunch of ppl decides to crowd about and see what they can do, would that really help? Would it worsen the situation? Perhaps for those having agoraphobia or social phobia.

Was she having a panic attack? That was my first guess. Her right hand was over her chest, possibly signaling acute pain in the heart. I haven't really saw a true case of shortness of breaths before, but by judging from what I imagined. It was more of a traumatic attack that cause her to weaken and fall to the ground rather than struggling to catch her breath. So, perhaps a trauma hit? Could it so serious? Or maybe some other illness that cause a sudden pain in the heart; heart attack? Doesn't seem probable also becuz that would have been
more serious. And as I thought about this, it seemed that I care about the reason than the girl's well being. Gotta admit, that's a yes. Haha...

I have been thinking about psychology ever since I got stumped during my recent interview when the doc asked me. Why did I choose psychology? I replied in a pretty bullshit way then, but Im beginning to wonder more on what I'm truly interested in. It's easy to say follow your heart and you will find the road. But as how things are, I can only say which paths I'm definitely not in favor of. Research is not a big interest, perhaps becuz I don't see it getting implemented. Things on the paper are just on the paper. The old Chinese saying of 纸上谈兵 just isn't all that appealing to me. And so far, all my hopes of psych related work in future are pretty linked to execution. I know before that would be the usual research and experiment, but I'm sure that would be more fun than the papers I have done in school. After this sem, I should really take some time off to find myself, yet again.

Life's a pain in the ass when there's no directions.

to love; or not to love?

a friend of mine mentioned about a decision not to fall in love.
somehow triggers that curious mind of mine.
does someone really decide whether or not to fall in love?
or do ppl just fall in love, without deciding?
is it a conscious effort?
or is it conscious, but involuntary?
or is it a more simpler and understandable of...
'i know i am falling in love with you, and i'm falling on my own'

empirical question?
haha.. i don't even know how to test.
no time to think of such things when i just wasted a whole weekend (thurs night till sun night) doing nothing.
my doing nothing = reading less than 100 pages of my textbook. wtf?
i can read those pages in a night if i want to.
i'm totally procrastinating becuz the darn quiz is on wed.
damn my auto-procrastinating mood.

that reminds me of autoreceptors, which are receptor sites on the presynaptic sites of the neuron, a.k.a the terminal bouton, that somehow acts like a feedback loop on the amount of neurotransmitter present in the synapse and then regulate the release of the neurotransmitter in question.

i never really appreciate the beauty of biology until i meet psychology.

it's like...
i never really appreciate the beauty of breasts until i met my girlfriend.
hmm... nice analogy.

maybe my creativity and non-sense peaks at an unbelievably high when it's way past midnight.

Friday, March 4, 2011

暗恋吗?

hmmm...
好久没有暗恋的感受了。