Sunday, December 30, 2007

does crying helps?

when your heart feels hurt by the ones you love, does crying helps to relieve the pain?

if it does, i wanna cry.

the pain is getting harder to handle.

i don't know how to deal with it.

each time i feel like giving up, everytime i give myself false hopes.

no longer can i find an excuse to keep those hopes up.

i have to give her up.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Mahjong

Recently i've been going for mahjong sessions. there have not been more than 3 days apart that i don't play mahjong. and almost every session i lose. -_- my luck in gambling isn't all that good. haha..

it's near the end of the year. many things i thought would happen, didn't. other things i thought won't happen, did. unexpected things, expected results, surprises, disappointments, happiness, sadness, quite a lot of feelings experienced this year. the past few years, were probably just me chasing the dreamZ. this year, i stopped chasing. it's time to grab it.

there's different dreams for for different ppl. and each dream has many goals. i wanna score straight A's for my exams, i wanna grow taller, i want to have bigger breasts (although many girls i've asked don't really want it, but maybe it's better to be a bit bigger), i want happiness, blah blah blah.. and i seriously wonder what's my dream. i looked through the list of courses again. engineering... not really interested, sciences... not really interested. those arts and social sciences are all out, except for psychology. can i just blindly go through it like always? i can't. i gotta take into consideration the future path i can, and i will take. is it enough? will i be satisfied? i'm in a need for competition. what's after being a psychologist? and how is it like being one, and the path to one? i have no idea. i need a goal to chase, i need a vision to fulfil, i need a reason to sprint towards. ah.. i wish i was young again. haha..

some of the memories came back to occupy my mind. i remembered staying awake just outside of bunk talking on the phone, it was drizzling in the parade square, the orange spot lights were on. i looked up, the rain drops were falling down under the orange beam above. the view was beautiful.

memories can be sweet, but what if the later part isn't? hmm.. so does it still count as sweet? is it just your own perspective of things? it's bitter cuz it was sweet. i think this is the best description. maybe we should live life such that, it's sweet, cuz it was bitter.

ah, raining again~ haha... i want to run in the rain again... drenched, smiling, becuz someone else is beside me.

Friday, December 28, 2007

what do you care about

forget all that i care about
i wish i didn't care
for all that's left is memories now
and in my mind shall it stay

i couldn't foresee the future ahead
becuz i thought you were there
now that you're gone, and gone for good
i hope it stays that way

nvm abt the hugs and kisses
you didn't want to hold my hands
what do you really care about
when this love is all so plain

is it the pleasure that holds you back?
or perhaps a passing cloud you just grabbed?
disappear into winterland
return and say "the end"

i was never in a position to choose
you chose to leave, i'm forced to lose
can't fight this decision i knew was coming
for your eyes show no holding back

one last time i ask of you
to hold me tight, then let me loose
give me a sign, you care for me
until i realise, my hands were around me

dumb.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve

On the first day of christmas, i think i will be playing mahjong. haha..

while writing the card for her, something just inspired me to do more. the card was conincidentally full of stars.. blue ones. i did promise her a nitez of stars before.. so i went to made some stars on the card that glow.. =) and i rushed through the whole thing before meeting her. reminded me of the time i carved those words on the wooden block for her... it feels good to be appreciated of your own efforts. especially, when you're doing it to convey your feelings.

christmas... is special, if you believe it is.

Love Actually is showing on tv soon this week. not sure when. haha.. watched it once, was kinda confused over the many love relationships that were going on. i kinda like the part when the guy went up to the girl's house door steps with several boards to confess his feelings, even though the girl is already attached with her guy inside the house. the girl went to answer the door bell, with the guy standing outside. music is playing... as he drops the boards one by one... he didn't say a word throughout, all was spoken, in silence.

to me, you are perfect
and my wasted heart will love you

how do you feel about these words? the feelings so hidden inside..

merry xmas. =)

Friday, December 21, 2007

So yesterday was a holiday

i didn't know it until the armour guys reminded me on wed night when we went out for dinner and movie. my life is all about games at the moment. and i'm growing tired of it...

oh well, today's hl bday. wishing her a happy 20th bday. can't imagine months ago, i have plans for this date. haha.. but most probably the plans won't materialize given my ever-procrastinating character. just a simple card will do - i've always thought of that. haha...

it's the thought that counts. hmm.. is it just a statement to console the reciever or an excuse for the giver? it kinda depends doesn't it? if a person took 5 min and just grab something off the shelves, wrapped it up and give it to his loved one, how much thoughts can you count from this?
but looking at the bright side, at least he bothered to buy one. haha...

eve is suppose to come back today from her thailand trip, i think it's at late night. i thought some of the weird thing i done 2 years ago just to meet her. i seriously think... that riding a bicycle in the middle of the night, and then take a bus, and then do the same for the return trip, is something... very weird. hahaha... i don't think she, or anyone, saw it as a romantic act. probably most will have the "wthell??" expression. well that time, maybe she was just an excuse for me to just go cycling at late night, a very strong excuse, and i enjoyed it. but not the result of it all. -_-

watched warlords. it's just kill kill kill. all 3 brothers died. simple.

i weighed 62.9kg as of last measurement at the plab medical centre, with my wallet and handphone. so on record, i've gained 10 kg since i enlisted. or perhaps the 52.3kg was taken in J1. hmm.. i don't know which is better, feeling heavier and less healthly, or feeling lighter and more healthy. i think i'll be a slack fellow and go for the lighter and more healthy. haha.. becuz i don't want to pant when i climb the stairs, just too lazy to pant.

days went by so quickly. one moment she left, today she's back. i zoomed past the week sitting infront of the monitor. i'm slowly dying from computer radiation.. ahh... if there's any.

close your eyes... you see a face...
Go punch it.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A repeat

hmm.. just wanted the post it again. to remind myself that in love, it's neither here nor there.
there's so much gray areas to think abt.
add in the thinking of the other party, i think the sky is in OVERCAST; OKTAS 8.
i want to let go of these thoughts, tiring to have a mood in relation to y = tan x.
one moment it's high, the next moment it's hell low. hmm... include y < z, where z is positive and not infinite

a week has passed since i came back from tamworth.
and i've been doing nothing but playing game, and game, and game.
priston tale... SG pristontale.. and i'm quite surprised some singaporeans are quite ethu abt pt. they even set up a friendster network.
from the pictures, some of the girls are cute. well, it matches the game characters, except for the figure. mmorpg never have female character with flat chest, or at least i've never met one. (exclude young female character)
and nik dragged me into maple again. hmm.. maybe dragged is not the right word. can't find any others.

i need to get on with my life, decide what i wanna do.
i've been ignoring all mails that come my way.
i can't just wait infront of this monitor waiting for something to happen.
i am always giving myself excuse for not doing something.
i get more pissed when someone is either testing my reaction, or just not considerate.

maybe it's time to finish off where i orginally started.
pick myself up from 2 years ago.
i can't believe that these 2 years i did nothing, except for the commissioning part, atec, and agc.
the others are quite crap, whether is it in the force, or my social life.

*if the world doesn't sux, you will fall off.

the greatest irony of love

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right,
And finding out you love someone right after
That person walks out of your life.

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
Until you see them smile at you again,
You'll suddenly realize that you're really not.

For some, they think that letting go is one way
Of expressing how much you love the person,
By sacrificing your happiness for theirs,
Without realizing that the other person's
Doing the same thing for them.

Most relationships tend to fail
Not because of the absence of love;
Love is always present,
It's just that one is being loved too much
And the other was being loved too little.

We always fall in love with the person we think we love,
Only to discover that what we loved about them fades.
Bad experiences are always remembered,
But it's the wonderful memories that are captured
To remind us that there are brighter days ahead
And that happiness exists.

You need to learn to let go when you're hurting too much,
Realize that sometimes love just isnt enough
And accept the fact that things aren't always gonna be the same.

There is someone out there who will love you more.
It's all the thought you put into your decisions
That impairs your judgement
When your heart already knows what you need to do.

Listen to your heart. Even though it's on the left side, it's always right.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

5 more days

well, i got frustrated with my previous entry that was deleted off becuz the connection was bad when i clicked "publish post". -_-"

anyway, failed my test like 1 week ago on monday. ORD loh~ haha... come to think about it, my attitude towards this opportunity, is quite different from the others.
first, i'm going to ord.
second, i don't really have an interest in flying.
third, i'm in it becuz it's a good career.

but considering the other factors... frequent travelling, risky job... => leads to very high pay. hahaha... well, too bad.

went to a local club on last friday night, the guys went dancing. as usual, i rather not. had a little chat with dy hd, as he and me, we're not the club ppl. haha.. talked over some drinks on my career options. i told him i'm going psychologist. he was kinda... hmm.. like disapproving of it. his first question was do i know who was xxx? never heard of him. and he said he was the most famous psychologist. hmm... so the rest of the conversation is just showing i don't really have an interest in psychology, or i didn't bother to dig in deeper. well... can't say i don't have an interest, just that i don't really bother to really find out about psychology. time is a factor, no time in jc, after a's was enjoyment before enlistment. and until now, yeah... if i want, i can find time to do some searching over the net or the library, but i rather spend my time on some other things. but seriously speaking, i have multiple interests, almost in everything. maths, science, psychology, philosophy, spiritual... i even thought of doing DnT when i was in secondary school. the only thing stopping me is... THERE'S NO SUCH OPTIONS. it's like the express class is denied the chance to take DnT, nobody actually wants it! maybe i'm just weird. -_-" but it's fun. haha... i enjoyed filing the acrylic. so... if so much interests in hand, i'm more geared towards the psycho and philo side. i can't do spiritual, cuz there's no subject in this -_- i mean... out-of-body experience, doesn't that sounds interesting? philosophy sounds a bit too chim... psychology, getting to know humans better. that's what i want. there's no prospects to study it in singapore, but, i still wanna study it. it's my style rebellion and staying true to myself. but i know, it's a more of a uncharted route... he commented psychologist should be a people's man. sociable. and from one look, can see that i'm not one. yes i agreed. hmm... but sometimes i just can't figure out why, everytime i would rise to the occasion. right now, i still don't know what sparked me in my SIT test to get me into ocs, what cause me to feel the need to lead in OBS, becuz of the skills i have? the ideas i have? or i just want to be the 'hero'? right now, i only know i desire to be one of the best, superiors, and i can be one. life, unpredictable.

and i typed so much crap. -_-"

anyway, recieved an email from sis... asking me to call mum up becuz she's bugging her everyday. haha... and she msged me to say mum missed me. sometimes... i can't help but feel... touched. who can denied that warm feeling? it's the knowledge that you're needed in place you think is important, your family, your social group, you brothers/sisters, buddies. but something is wrong if any of my buddies come telling me that they missed me, it's just wrong.

will call back at night, probably, if i rmbed.

today is wednesday, 5 more days.

watched 15, the local film by... royston tan? not sure abt the name. anyway, it's abt teenagers at the age of 15 walking the gangster path. hmm... to tell the truth, the vuglar raps are kinda catchy and nice. haha.. watching a hell lots of movies lah... knowing it's the last week, the guys went to rent out abt 22 movies. all trying to chiong all those nice ones.

i chose and watched "we were soldiers" and "constantine".
constantine was a repeat, watched before. just wanna amuse myself with the middle finger at lucifer. we were soldiers... got teared up when the one by one, the wives recieved the letters from the secretary that their husbands are killed in the war against vietnam.

got an email from her too. hmm... =)

can see nik is still moving on. the key word is still. haha.. regrets, depression, despair...all these follows the heartbroken souls all ard. and it's up to oneself to overcome it. letting time to bland these feelings is possible... can when the time comes again, can you take it, again?

courage without fear is worthless, i often told myself. becuz i fear it, that's why i face it.