love sequence

first i fall in love with the melody.
then i fall in love with the lyrics.
in the end, i fall i love with her.

love links?

i procrastinating on my desk with my undone presentation slides on dissociative identity disorder (DID, previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD)) while i chance upon the sg love link website. the ads got a nice girl that stays around my area so i thought i'll just check it out. one thing lead to another, i signed up. haha.. it's rather interesting to see if anything would ever come out of this kind of things.

a few observations i've seen through the profiles...

first, attractive females are not shy to grade themselves as attractive. but they will always avoid 'super attractive' to seem humble. i would actually expect more average self-graded attractive females of my age group, but nope.

second, their choices in males are almost always either at the same level of attractiveness as they are, or higher. same goes for weight and height. well it makes every sense for this useless observation. who goes for someone less attractive?

third, i've noticed some ridiculous profiles. "i'm seeking for blah blah blah... and rich." the last part really puts me off. rich. wthell. most probably if i'm rich i won't be commenting on this, but well, i'm not. and that particular profile just gives the vile feeling of just wanting a guy to treat you like a high-grade princess and showers you with diamonds and fancy resturants. yes, she is high-grade material. but i put my bet against her personality wise.

one thing to note, saw my friend on it. hmm... maybe that's how.

i was having fun at the website, enjoying the read on the various profiles of girls my age. and it hits me that different ppl have different stories to tell. not that i just got this realization, but you don't always think about such stuffs while procrastinating on a presentation due next week.

one particular one stood out as i read through the various profiles. she is few years younger than me, but is already a mum of 2 years old. quite pretty i should say. she got me wondering how she's living her life now. at least it shows that she has moved on, probably.

signing up was sort of against my ideal in life. i always thought love requires some work of destiny, natural destiny. not some artifical space-reducing dimension that enables matching of humans. it's gonna be 2 destined ppl that just bumps into each other in the middle of the walk way, their pathway somehow crosses and that's how they got together. i never really got this kind of feeling or thought of love this way before, until i met her back in my early teens. the introduction was kinda magical to me, it seriously feels like lala~ land. haha.. yet, the same goes for the ending. poof~! she's gone. so yup, that was my ideal.

as i must admit, things following that incidental meet-up wasn't so much of destiny but more of a work of mine, plus hers. a growing relationship of any kind don't just bonds with one side. but well, destiny started it. anyway, ever since then, nothing similar has happened to me, not even remotely similar. was it because i was a more extraverted idiot back then than an introverted normal guy right now? haha.. i guess cupid, if they ever exist, kinda gave up on me. or rather, the hands of destiny only screwed me up once by pairing me up with her and that's it. destiny is done screwing with me and decided i should be the one to create my own destiny.

and that's how i justified my sign-up for the website.
and also hoping that something will actually happen.

come on, life. surprise me.

i hate procrastination seriously, it got me writing so much on this blog while my presentation slides remain blank except for titles.

disappointed

it's been some time, but i still feel that sense of attraction towards a certain girl in my korean class. she has a name that's easy to remember, but i think i only managed to catch it after a few lessons. she knows jap, same as me, but better. it's been too long since i touched any jap. haha.. gonna be more than a year soon, i forgot most of it.

she kinda made me realized that i'm more attracted to females with long straight hair. compared to those with the short, cute hairstyles, i feel that the long hair brings about a higher level of beauty.

i'm usually the thorough and cautious guy, in other words, stupid and gutless. haha... so i tried to run whatever background check i can get my hands on, which is facebook. sadly, i can't find her on it. a desperate attempt to search for her school email address and googling it has failed also. well, too bad then.

i've thought before on just asking her out, maybe for lunch after class or something along that line of thought. but it's just the gutless me. seemed quite random. and i don't like to dress up for school, so i think i don't really attracts much physically for a high chance that that's gonna happen. besides, it'll be too weird if she feels rather unpleasant and awakard about the situation if somehow i went bonkers and ask her out. hmm.. love/like/sense of attraction. i must admit, my confidence ain't high. i don't think it's the rejection part that's keeping me abstain from asking girls out. it's more of the unknown factor.

when i was young, i was scared of the dark.
foolish child, haunted by his own naive imaginations.

when i'm grown up, i became scared of another type of darkness.
restrained by the unknown, trapped within self.

i wondered, for every couple out there, how much courage did it take to ask for a date? a confession? a proposal? a break-up? a patch?

words are weightless as they are spoken or written,
but what people don't realize is that we 'matterized' them.
and when we do give them weight,
they suddenly become a heavy responsibility of the author.

2e4 BBQ (우리 11th year)

i can't rmb when was the last bbq we has. was it early this year or late last year? haha.. i only rmbed i vomitted. but not this time. i just turned red for hours till i went home -_- which is undesirable also. i looked quite ... with the red face and rashes on my hands.

an overnight event which ended with a breakfast with us playing with alcoholic drinks again. it was rather interesting with the charades. although i kept coming up with idiotic questions. haha... stupid.

anyway, a rather well-done gathering. the first time wx has joined us since we graduated, if i'm not wrong. it was quite the perfect bbq for jing who didn't come. becuz we didn't use butter to cook. reason being, forgot to buy. haha..

last day of recess. time to work a bit.

one sharing on the facebook that i've found...

不爱，不用那么多藉口

其实你说我们不适合，
那是什么意思呢？
是因为我们性格不同，
背景不同的原因吗？
又或者说我太霸道了些？
还不如这样说吧，
其实是因为你不爱我了，
如果我们的性格真的不同，
背景真的不同，
那当初又是谁选择了我呢？
是谁不顾一切想要和我在一起呢？
藉口那么多都没有任何意义了，
因为在你所有的藉口背后，
隐藏着的只是一句话，
那就是“你不爱我了”
那么多的藉口只是不想让我难过，
但你真的太不了解我了，
或许是因为从没认真去了解我吧，
那么多的理由都不会让我好过的，
因为我很清楚那只是藉口，
为什么已经到了背对背离去的关头，
你依旧不肯对我坦诚呢？
如果说只是不想让我太伤心，
那只是你一厢情愿的想法，
我会因为得不到一个真正的答案，
而傻傻地以为你还是爱我的，
我们不过是不适合...
我会对你还抱着那一线的希望，
希望你能够回心转意...

真的没有适合或者不适合的，只有愿意或是不愿意留下的，
如果你是因为一时兴起就爱，觉得不适合就换，在此我会为你这可怜虫祈祷，因为这样的你不配得到真爱...
如果爱情只是靠感觉维持下去，那世上就不会有天长地久 长撕相守那回事了...
你要学会的不止是如何爱一个人，更重要是学会如何去包容一个人...


时间真的会淡化一切
曾经的幸福
忘不了的伤感
到了自己不得不放手的时刻
就已经开始渐渐地化为记忆的碎片
捡不起
只可望着越来越远的妳。

所谓爱过一个人
因已过
才能到达另一边

仙剑奇侠传

i finished this rather old drama series within 2 days of just sitting infront of my laptop and surfing youtube for the episodes. haha..

this drama came from a popular chinese rpg game with the same name, basically about fantasy martial fighting. it started out rather fast-paced, with the 2 main leads getting married on the first night. but it gets rather draggy later on when the male char forgot about the marriage. still, i appreciated the few side stories and in-depth elaboration of the characters.

what strikes me most about this drama was the sadness that surrounds the plot in the later half of the drama. there was one episode when the 2 decided to break up once and for all, the later that it all went downhill with the emotions. but that particular episode was one of the funniest episode i've seen with regards to other dramas. especially the part at the brothel when 3 guys went drinking 花酒. it was full of hilarious scenes, with the scholar using his 状元令 and ordering those prostitutes to run here and there.

that episode acts as the turning point for the story, if you describe it in mathematics, basically dy/dx = 0, d2y/dx2 = negative. characters start to die off tragically one after another. i saw quite a few comments on the outrage of the audience when the other girl in the love triangle sacrificed herself to save the 2 main leads. i guessed the audience kinda prefered this other girl. perhaps becuz in the middle of the story, it was missing on a lot of interactions btw the main and female lead.

to end it all, the final fight wasn't much exciting. but the sadness just keeps accumulating as only the male lead was the only surivivor of the group of friends. i didn't cry, but somehow i just felt uncomfortable with the all the despair and negativity.

.

sometimes i realized i'm lonely.

so, i convinced myself it's okay.

it's normal.

but it doesn't work all the time.

the heart doesn't care about what the mind reasons.

when you're sad, it's just ...

i have quite a ~ life.

it dawned on me today, again, that my life is somewhat ~.
by ~, it's rather smoothflowing.
stories told today by both of them, especially m's, came to me as some unique experience. although undesirable, but negative events do help one to grow. what doesn't kills you make you stronger? maybe this sentence has more truth than i actually thought. other times, what doesn't kills you, might just be a trick to weaken you before giving the final blow. ha.

so dull a life.
that's why i thought of travelling.

so poor a man though.
that's why i just use the internet instead.

generating lyrics

it's been quite some since these few lines of lyrics stuck with me.

再过不久 我会忘了
你的笑容 已模糊了
我们的事 不想记得
但是心里还是恋着你

this was sort of the chorus part, supposed to follow a slow melody.

我答应过自己要忘记你
忘了所有 有你的记忆
快乐的 悲伤的 统统删去
不留痕迹 忘了你

i'm thinking the starting can get something like this, but it's hard to follow through with the lyrics and also no idea how to link the melody for both.

maybe i do some work on it during recess next week.
haha.. those words looked promising to me.
yes, the thought of becoming a lyrics writer have came upon me before. haha.. lots of dreams when you're young eh.

generic

i would like to believe that it's attractive when someone smile.

but the fact remains that attractive, is a quantitative/continuous variable, which doesn't ends up in a yes/no answer.

a terrible nosebleed in the morning.
my bed now has 2 mattress, it's pretty high now.
it's like back to when i first move into my current room, and i thought my bed then was high for a 8 year old kid.

i still hate the fact that i'm still thinking about those moments that made me smile.

one of the greatest fault of humans, is that our memories are too good.
also one of our greatest gift.

剑雨

just watched this movie.

there's one phrase worth mentioning...

我愿化身石桥，受那五百年风吹，五百年日晒，五百年雨淋，只求她从桥上经过。

such love, stupid in modern sense.

in school

i always told, or maybe gives the impression that school was rather boring for me.
but as it is, it's always pleasant to see someone familiar, or to have some weird conversation.

yesterday i went to lesson early and met her in the lobby sitting down and reading her paper. so i went over and chatted for a while before class.

today during clinical, we tried role-playing listener-storyteller again. this time, all 3 of us talked about troubles regarding friendships. somehow the discussion dragged on and we discussed more on methods to commmit suicide than therapy-related stuffs. concluded on the fact that before one attempts to commit suicide thru a peaceful death, sleeping pills are essential.

after class, saw an old acquaintance while going home. she struck me as a rather studious and diligent girl from before when we were chionging our maths project days before the deadline while one of the ah tiong bo chup the whole thing, lucky the other helped a bit. we talked for a while till our paths parted. she talked about whether psychology majors study on the interpretation of dreams. interesting topic, one of my first contacts with psychology before i actually signed up and did 2 years of it. she mentioned that she previously had recurring dreams; or rather nightmares.

before, it was the chasing type of dreams. she constantly dreamed that she was being chased by something and she was running away from it. she didn't seem sure what was it, sometimes it was water, monster, etc.

currently, it is a dream of murder. she would dream that she had already murdered someone (unknown btw) and is hiding from the authorities that are checking up on the case.

a lot of thoughts came into my mind. possible reasons why this kind of dreams occur. fear of something, guilt of something. these are just speculations. but even after speculations, there need be a specific target. fear of what? guilty of what? murder signifies kill, but on a deeper sense, kill can means a more extreme manifestation of removal. killing a part of yourself can just translate to getting rid of an old habit. then even after that, what to do? how to solve?

few days back during my child psychopathology tutorial i kinda made a fool of myself when i tried to relate sigmund freud psychoanalytic developmental theory to a diagnosis to be done with DSM. then after that, perhaps after my ego takes over, i felt the more foolish one was with DSM. yes, everything gotta be scientific. but at the moment, everything's still not settled. what if the problem is better solved with freud theories? jung's? perhaps advocates of maslow could chip in? the mysteries of the mind may just remains as it is until the end of time. i kinda believe so, or want to believe, that no one possibly in this world, could ever find an answer to the mind. for the mind relates to all kinds of things, and most importantly, love. and if an answer can be found, imagine the chaos it will cost to the world.

where's the thrill in love when you know how it works?
it's like you're being raped of your virginity, without even having one.

starting to hate this feeling

it may be quite a sad fact but there have been numerous times in which i found myself being attracted to others but somehow just didn't bother to do anything about it. it's often the case that i didn't think i was good enough for someone who is having such an eventful life at the moment. college life can be full of activities, and yet i'm just a wandering soul in my campus.

but it's not that i don't have the potential to hype up my life.
i rather believe that i have lots of it stored.
just that this latent energy hasn't been 'kineticalized' yet.

i also believe anyone has this kind of potential.
everyone is capable of bringing some excitement into their own life.
sometimes their sex life.

i hate my lazy self.
i hate being attracted to others when i don't feel like doing anything abt it.
it's like i'm missing an opportunity.

damn heart.

a refreshing thought

when i was on my way from buying back dinner for my family, i had a rather refreshing idea as i walked fairly fast through the carpark.

i have always wanted another me.
with that, i literally mean another person, who looks like me, thinks like me, acts like me, sees like me. basically, a double.
why?
i believed my very first reason for this is i can simulate fighting.
when i first experienced the adrenaline-flowing (or epinephrine) blows-exchanging arena, i somehow got hooked. i actually wished to go through my close combat training again. just because we get to fight each other with a big wooden bolster for a few minutes, which half-way through, most ppl are already exhausted from the necessary shouting and random swinging of the bolster.

there are of cuz other reasons.
it's always comforting to know there's someone for you, beside you.
perhaps becuz of my tendency towards introversion, this thought somehow came up.

but the fact remains that this can never come true.
biologically speaking, they can't clone an exact me.
even though we will grow up in the same family, but we will experience different things and thus grow up differently, something like twins. also the shared and nonshared environment that i keep seeing in my psychology textbks.
additionally, i can only request for a clone when i'm actually sensible. which means, the clone won't be able to be the same age as i am.

and i won't wanna have a double me all the time.
just some time.

so i decided upon something.
i will be a friend to myself.
i will be the one to accompany myself through the lonely nights of reminiscene.
i will be the one to make myself a drink when i'm troubled.
i will be the one to scold myself silly, not becuz of the things that others think it's laughable, but when i knew nothing good will come out of it but i still went ahead and do it.

i'm pretty sure this idea didn't come from hebe's new song; love.
the song talks abt people loving others, but didn't realize the need, to actually love themselves.
maybe unconsciously.

something from fb

在乎，不代表一定要說出來。不說出來，不代表不在乎。但當我說出來，就代表我他媽的在乎。

also something from myself.
most of the time, i find it hard to say things out.
becuz whether is it confrontations, confessions... it make everything awakard.
it makes the situation into a critical turning point.
either it goes this or that way.
forces yourself and the other party into a corner.
what if it doesn't go in the desired direction?

i still resent over that particular incident.
my only wrong in that matter, was that i was being seen in the wrong.

forgive and forget, wise men said.
this goes against my forte.
i'm just too good at memorising.