reminiscence

there are some times in the year whereby i will sit by my study table at home, and get bored of studying that i open my little drawer and looked thru the letters ppl sent to me. it's just a reminiscence activity that i like to engage myself in to allow myself to be reminded of the fact that i have friends, not those hi-bye friends who sometimes i don't even remember their names on the streets and just gave that hey-i-know-you-but-not-your-name kinda gesture.

just a few pointers i have noted from the letters. not going to name names, becuz i rather it be all nameless.

this person got me started on sending letters and hardly ever fails to send me one during festive seasons. although we don't really talk much ever since we're not classmates anymore, but it doesn't really matter. unknown to her, it's a great pleasure to recieve a greeting from her every now and then. it's those feeling of that person still having that closeness of friendship for you that makes it feel satisfying.

this person sent me cute letters during festive seasons. i don't really like the cuteness of those letters though. i'm not even into cute things. perhaps by social desirability, or perhaps genetically, i'm someone with a X chromosome in my 23rd pair of chromosomes which makes me a guy, who doesn't like cute things by nature.

this person have stopped sending letters to me and we seemed to have broken all sources of contacts ever since we stopped chatting up. her letters were those one of a kind thingy at first with the spiral style and putting tea leaves inside, then it got kinda plain afterwards. the only one whom i found out today who signed off with 'Love', once, and wrote 'Hope that we'll been friends forever" which got me wondering does she hates being friends with me because she hopes our friendship is a 'been' forever? with the weird habit of writing down the time she wrote the letters, she's one weird friend.

this person only sent me once, by hand, and actually wanted to pass it to me without my knowledge. one of the crappiest card i've recieved so far but perhaps the one with most effort put in with all the cuttings with the penknife. and so far, this was the only birthday card which have wishes for me that i have actually fulfilled, partially. other cards normally just wish that i will have a girl soon or something similar. but it never really did happen.

exams coming in less than a month, and it will be over in less than a month. looking forward and backward at this point of time. sure, i'll be 21 by then. R(A) movies, let's go!

friends

been hooked on watching 'friends'. been laughing at the screen all day long while tan is concentrating so hard on his essay. haha...

something stupid.
if a surprise party is on the birthday itself, it's not a surprise anymore.
the idea came from friends.

anyway, i felt it was rather amazing on how the 6 friends came to form a tight group. they joke, laugh at each other, care, love, have sex. haha...

one month before the exams are here. hmm.. studying, a bit. more towards enjoying the life, by watching friends.

oh ya, yesterday when tan said he wanted to fix the shower head thingy, he broke the handle. -_-

forbidden love

am reading up a book called 'cupid's arrow'.
the author has her own theory of the elements of love relationships.
intimacy, passion, commitment/decision.
quite a good read as i categorise the past into some of them.
but generally i felt that it doesn't only applies to those boy-girl love relationship. platonic, same-sex, family, to some extent, contains the same elementz.

'we are just good friends' - i gave up reading this one. haha.. maybe i should consider being a clinical psycho.

there are times when i find myself having a sudden interest or something like a love-at-first-sight occurence. but things don't last. most of the times that is.

i still find forbidden love-toro alato a nice song to listen to for calming myself down. soothes the soul, don't you feel so?

empty

it's been like this for quite a while.
the hollowness i feel within.
nothing seems to fill the gap.
adrenaline is only a temporary substitute,
i need something more.
something created this void,
or was it someone.
it exists before she came.,
it was bigger when she left.
i doubt it was her that fills that hole,
her job was to make it wider.
now that i'm stuck with this black hole,
i let everything get suck inside.
my thoughts, feelings, emotions and truth.
even my lies, secrets, fantasies and lust.
in the face of nothing,
what is this thing that i can make it into something.

i want a life.

today is study day. becuz i don't feel like playing games

woke up to the sms of the badminton team msging me that i'm not selected for the team. sianz1/2. something i love so much but can't be enjoying it. i was actually hoping to play so i can play for free though. well.. too bad then. the others are seriously a level higher than me. if i'm in the team, probably will just pull them down. but i never give badminton up. ever. =)

失落非主流

你的绘画凌乱着.
在这个时刻.
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽.
甜蜜散落了.
情绪莫名的拉扯.
我还爱你呢.
伴你断断续续唱着歌.
假装没事了.
时间过了走了.
爱情面临选择.
你冷了倦了我哭了.
一开始的不快乐.
你用卡片纸写着.
有些爱只给到这真的痛了.
怎麽了.你累了.说好的.幸福呢
我懂了.不说了.爱淡了.梦远了
开心与不开心.一一细数着.你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻.我都还记得
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呢

你的绘画凌乱着.
在这个时刻.
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽.
甜蜜散落了.
情绪莫名的拉扯.
我还爱你呐.
伴你断断续续唱着歌.
假装没事了.
时间过了走了.
爱情面临选择.
你冷了倦了我哭了.
一开始的不快乐.
你用卡片纸写着.
有些爱只给到这真的痛了.
怎麽了.你累了.说好的.幸福呐
我懂了.不说了.爱淡了.梦远了
开心与不开心.一一细数着.你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻.我都还记得
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呐
怎麽了.
你累了.
说好的.
幸福呢.
我懂了.
不说了.
爱淡了.
梦遠了.
我都还记得.
你不等了.说好的.幸福呐
我错了.泪干了.放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着.
要怎么停呐

it's been so long. why is there still tears in my eyes?

不是因为还有爱，而是因为还记得
记得那时的无奈，记得那时的心痛
无法抹去的记忆，想忘记却舍不得
自从她作了选择，我变得一无所有

怎麽了，你累了，说好的，幸福呢
我懂了，不说了，爱淡了，梦远了

可能是自己明白，倦了冷了累了。

情歌，听腻了，可能就不会哭了。
爱情，说穿了，只是记忆的传说。

not a really happy day

got full marks for my econs-maths mod. but wasn't really happy abt it becuz 2 of the qns were given free marks due to students arguing with the tutor that 2 ans can be correct. and the tutor completely forgot abt the tutorial today while the class waited for 30+min before someone called him. he came into the class explaining that he thought it was thursday. and the more stupid thing is, i deliberately went to the tutorial class late by 30min, and was shocked when i see the class without him. -_-" and ya, i totally forgot we were supposed to get back the test results today.

just managed to finish my english assignment 3. sounds kinda crap. especially when it involved personal experience.

haven't been contributing much to my bday party, felt like a freeloader just letting them plan all the stuffs. but the thing is, currently i'm just too busy to be involved in detailed planning. sad.

right now i'm in various hall games. darts, volleyball, squash, badminton(pending), softball(i'm asking them to pull me out), basketball(hopefully i have time for this). sounds like a lot right? ya, it's a lot. so much that i feel like just give up on studying and just play sports all day.

been having the lack-of-company feeling. i rmbed the times when it felt really comforting to be always assured that you're always belonged to someone, and that someone belongs to you. now, just wanting to feel being cared for is tough enough. all these statements are taking friends for granted.

looking at the time and schedule, i seriously hope i have some time to prepare what i initially wanted on my 21st. it's probably going to take a full 1 week to really carry out the plan. actually, the original plan has already been cut down, or rather delayed until next year. haha.. looks like procrastination won against will, once again.

still feeling sore from wednesday. 1 hour of badminton and 3 hours of volleyball trg doesn't go well together.

~with friends (well of cuz, sometimes, some friends only),
you can't always be guaranteed that they will treat you the same nice way as you treat them. they won't always be there for you when you need someone to be beside. sometimes they may seemed interested on what you just ate for dinner. other times, they don't even care when you have life crisis coming ur way. most of the times, they're just too involved with their own, just like you are. you may be just a calefare in their lives. and them, your own calefares.
~with lovers,
well as far as friends could go, i don't really want to expect much from lovers. haha..

jeremy's bday

so yesterday we celebrated jeremy's 21st with a chocolate cake. they kinda raped him. i stood by and watched. with paint, clothes pegs, strings and tape, tearing of underwear, shaving of leg hair, and a water hose. no.. it doesn't look fun. i wonder why bday can't be more peaceful?

celebrated zx and jy belated bdays too. but zx not in. too bad for the cake.

nuaing around, can't bring myself to study. sux. it'll be better if i hav tutorials. but it's just reading and understanding. boring. yet, i have to do it.

just realise my bday is round the corner. i want a peaceful bday. with lots of hongbaos. mainly becuz i just spent 2k over the 4 months. i'll starve to death even before i finish my 2nd year. i need $$$!!!

headache

so everytime i play soccer in the sun for too long i'll get headache. dumbz. the overheating really kills after the game. is my body not conditioned to the heat, or am i just getting old? haha.. sux.

didn't study this weekend again. woohoo~! so i brought back 3 txtbks for nothing -_-"
this ain't gonna work. i need to get some discipline in myself.

the birthday party thingy seemed to be coming along well. looking fwd to having a gathering again.

i still wonder why the sadness comes and goes as it wishes.
the phantom that lurks in the shadows of my past.

that feeling...

i haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
i wanna find back that sensation i felt at that time.
it's the thoughts of not giving up till the last moment, the struggle with limitations of the muscles, the determination of winning, holding on so strongly ever...
even love can't compare to it. although love last longer than it. haha..

i put that feeling above love.
and i'm gonna find it back some day.
i promise.

bye bye

byebye joseph, byebye eugene just now. hmm.. then need to byebye to yuanwei on friday night. trips to the airport is kinda long.. but to see them before they fly off, and to send them off with the deep wishes for them to do well there.

took a cab back from boonlay with someone i don't know from hall 16, since the last bus 179 has long gone. saved 5 bucks.

got 26/40 for hrm test. feel very down. if my hp101 don't get at least 80%, i have feel more down. if my hp102 get below 65%, i think i can reconsider doing psycho.

tired. did a little cleaning up of the toilet in the noon becuz i have nothing much to do. didn't feel like studying also.

oh ya, we did a stupid thing at airport T3 just now. 3 of us, plus the new qm i think, connect our hands, shouted our unit's motto, and then ran off back to home. all the stupid things that we've done... haha...as jimmy said, "missed you already". i'm missing the company.