Vulnerable

Does it happens to everyone else? Or is this feeling of vulnerability idiosyncratic?

Am I so fragile that a little hurt would break me down? Doesnt the heart has some defense against uncertainties?

As I shred my wall down layer by layer, my barrier against the outside world grows thinner and thinner.

Laptop dead

My laptop has officially crashed as of last night, just 2 days before my finals -_-. I still can handle the papers without my laptop, just with my iPhone. Though the screen a bit small. Sighz.

I'm more worried abt the things I have inside of my laptop. Got a few things inside that i seriously do not wish to lose them. Let's hope it will recover by itself somehow or the Asus service centre can help me extract my files.

It's time to change a new laptop. It a desktop.

A Friday noon

As I sat in a two seater table in a fast food named Texas chicken, located beside one of the entrance of causeway point, which is opposite to the library that I'm spending my day in for studying, I'm feeling largely unsatisfied in flavor but damn full from a 3 piece meal. The meat was quite plain, wasn't the same as before. Perhaps the marginal utility of the food drops more with each piece. The biscuit wasn't as nice as before. Fresh from the oven, but too soft for my liking. An unsightly scene in front of me of 4 employees sittin and having their Texas meals amidst the lunch crowd. First, they're eating the rest's food. Second, they're taking up seats. Third, it's unseen and unsightly for employees to dine in. Fourth, it's crowded already.

I'm progressing slow on my readings. Perhaps i haven't yet got my speed back since it has been a long break for me without reading. First paper in 10 days. I wanna relax, but at the same time do well in them.

Suddenly remember something Chiu told me the other day about him reading a course in music psychology back in aust. Self reminder to get the notes from him. Always have been an interest of mine to explore this aspect of psych. Music seemed like such a natural thing from the start of the homo sapiens, or perhaps even earlier in the days of the ancestors like homo erectus. It's hard to think a world without it. Could it be a natural by product of vocalization? Like the birds that chirp beautiful melodies, humans make music becuz we're able to speak, or make sounds with our throats. But then again, the common animals like dogs and cats don't make music. Or perhaps their kind of music couldn't be appreciated by the humans or we're restricted by the frequency of our hearing; 20-20000hz. I think I have seen somewhere on tv that dolphins make beautiful sounds too, be it as communication or maybe, they're singing too.

As I reluctantly get ready to leave my seat at this place which I'm not coming back for the rest of my studying days at the library, I start to anticipate the start of her first paper. And somehow, I'm feeling nervous myself. Haha..

Tml going to visit grandpa at ttsh. Cuz of some breathing difficulty with cough and phlegm. It worries me to think that I might soon face the reality of another person that I cared for dearly leave this reality and become a part of my hippocampus contents and permanently out of sight from my two vision fields. I can already feel my limbic system acting up from thinking about it.

Back to work.

,

somehow, it only took a bowl of rice + bak kut teh, a nice evening walk, a casual chat, some shrimp paste chicken, and lotus root soup, to get my gloomy mood out of my system.

i didn't think that the dark clouds in my thoughts would disappear that quickly, but it did.

last day of the sem.
it's two weeks before exams.
1 module down.
1 module studied finish.
1 module open book.
left 1 module to chiong using the textbook.

hmm.. life's good this sem.

.

Thoughts of you filled my mind as I drifted in and out of sleep last night

It was like a constant switch between a sweet dream and a nightmare. Becuz in the dream, we were together. But in reality, we're more than just 12 km away.

As if to give me comfort in the middle of the night, my alter subconscious self brought the pillow from below my head , into my arms. I willingly gave in to the hallucination.

I woke up not knowing what to do with my feelings. I woke up and realized I don't know how to be a friend.

When I looked at the photo frame by the bedside, it ached. To know that the depiction is of a past and not the present nor the future, it hurts. Yet, it's still on my bedside.

Sometimes I wondered, when ppl are depressed, they don't really wish to get out of it. Becuz getting out of it, also means getting over it. It signifies a state of acceptance. The depression comes as an avenue to hold on to whatever's left. That when everything is gone, the only thing that reminds you that it ever did happen, is the sadness.

I began to realize how little I know about love and relationships. What's meant by the chemistry btw two ppl? Can it stays as always? Could it fluctuate? It should get better over time, right? Sometimes I feel the ideality set by our perception of the world which is influenced by the environment in which we grow up in, is not at all ideal. Wouldn't the world be boring if all of us approach that ideal image? And when we deviates from the ideal, are we considered wrong? Shouldn't it be alright to be just us? Accepting who and how we are?

You'll never know unless you try.
And when you fail, try try again.
For something that you want, it's never too late to try.
And it doesn't matter how many times.
Cuz it's worth it.
You're worth it.

等哪一天妳有勇气面对,
我会待在一旁守着,
现在的一切.

与世隔绝

.

what do you do...?

what do you do when you know you're hungry, but you just don't have the feeling to eat?
because that's what i'm feeling now.
tonight's turn of event got me to the point that maslow's hierarchy of needs theory is rendered completely useless.
i find it hard to think.
i find it hard to breathe.

i can't shed a tear.
i just can't.
as i entered my room, my eyes suddenly teared up in an instance.
it was as if my defense went vulnerable as i stepped into my personal space.
it was as though i subconsiously felt it was safe to indulge myself in the sadness.
but i stopped it.
i let the shower substitute the tears.

for tonight, let me drown in my own emotions.
becuz if i don't, i don't know what else to do.

it's supposed to be quiet

i know that.
the 5th level of the library is a quiet zone.
everyone knows that.

and when i put on my earphone, have my laptop volume set at 20, plugged into my ears, and still the girl opposite of me stood up and told me to lower my volume, then that is not okay. it's damn soft already you niak niak girl.

besides, when i was settling down opposite of the two girls in the morning, one of them stood up to check what i was doing. then soon after, the other girl stood up to see what i was doing. wtheck? as i walked away to settle stuffs, i glared at them in an attempt to tell them it's wtheck to do that. this is a library, although quiet zone, but i'm freaking allowed to make noise while i'm settling down on my seats. and as i typed away on my laptop, i hope it disturbed their train of thoughts. haha... yes, i'm that evil when i'm pissed. all kinds of ppl one can meet in school.

Like a niak niak niak

it's a phrase that she came up with randomly tonight that got me laughing uncontrollably at some point of time.

today was a special lunch that i didn't know i was going to have.
initially i was afraid of the socializing that i have to do.
it's just in me to be afraid of socializing since young.
towards relatives, towards friends, etc..
but i was glad today turned out of be quite okay, or at least that's coming from my perspective.

3 more weeks to final papers.
i gotta start studying already.

Post-Bday

well, i turned 24 three days ago.
getting older and older, and hopefully as the time goes by, i'll wise up along the way.

as i approached my bday this year, i wasn't expecting much.
but as how things turned out, this year turned out to be quite a bday.

first of all, i got a casio watch from dad.
elegant, nice, cool.
the second set of gifts come from someone special who did up a card, a photoframe and a table soccer set. she also celebrated with me on the day itself. =)
the third gift was from an overseas friend who sent me a video message of singing a bday song. greatly appreciated.
the fourth gift was from the army dudes, a rather large moss ball in a large jar with the armour signia on the top of the cover. nice.
last of all, thanks to all who wished me, whether is it on fb, or msg, or whatever avenues.

if you rmb my bday, i'm grateful enough to have known you.

anyway, it's 3 weeks before the finals.
3 papers this sem, perhaps the slackest exam i'm going to have.
nevertheless, i should get on to studying.
this is probably the only sem i could possibly get a 5.0 on my gpa.
but i think i kinda screwed that up when i turned in a lousy forensic psych paper.
haha.. oh well.

life's good.
especially with someone by my side.