FYP draft 1

progress: negligible

the past few days have been just searching and saving more and more pdf articles into my personal folder and not writing or reading much.

there's this uneasiness feeling that is filling up my mind at the moment and it's taking a lot of willpower to contain it and not avoid the situation by doing other stuffs, a.k.a procrastination. the more i put off writing and reading, the more uneasy i feel. it's taking over my thoughts and my body. i could almost consciously know that i'm shaking my leg but i can't really stop it because it helps in shaking off that uneasiness.

i hate to be stressed when i wake up.
i hate to be stressed when i eat.
i hate to be stressed when i rest.
i hate to be stressed when i sleep.

it's like a self-torment cycle that goes on until i finish this grad essay.

today's graduation program seminar didn't really help much.
knowing that one day i would have to do research, conduct experiment, etc etc... that's okay.
i hate the researching where to go part, application part, and in the midst of masters or phd, defending my thesis part.

let me seek for some other routes which i would willingly devote myself to torment to instead of getting my proposed work get scrutinized and trampled on by antecedents.

but first, let me get this KNN 30-page essay done first.

The 8th day of CNY

today's the 8th day of chinese new year.
it's been a relatively good chinese new year celebration so far, with the reunion dinner at my aunt's place, watching fireworks with my family under the pouring rain which drenched us all even with a freaking huge umbrella because the wind was so strong, going to relatives' house...

and on the 2nd night, i'm officially with someone =)
along with the start of a new lunar year, i've got a new start with her.
i'm glad we have come so far.

as the sem advanced into its 4th week now, i'm rushing to finish my graduation essay as soon as possible so that i can go on to start on other stuffs that are mandatory after graduation. like consideration of grad school, job application, maybe driving... etc. well, guess the sooner i finish this 30 page report, the sooner i get to enjoy more before reality sets in and spoil my bubble of enjoyment.

sem has been going great with squash and basketball as my two sports modules. but basketball has been rather tiring in the past few practices with the running and all. and looking at all those ppl who are better than me, i can't help feeling a little down, which kinda fuels me to train and then do even better. but at the present moment, my grad essay takes priority over everything.

so, back to the essay. haha..

爱情色盲

很多年以后的一个早晨，女人依旧像往常一样在镜前描眉抹唇，男人不经意的说，其实，你涂红色的唇膏更好看。半天，女人终于反应过来，幸福的泪一下子毁了她精致的妆…………

女人从出生开始似乎注定要经历磨难、母亲难产，出生后，女人的左前额，比别的孩子多了一块斑，红色的。母亲说，那是胎记，每个人或多或少都会有的。母亲说这话的时候，她还小，还不懂得一块红色的斑长在一个女人的脸上意味着什么。她觉得没有什么不好，就像她精致的五官那么平常。

当女人意识到的时候，背后有人喊她丑女人已经很久了，其实如果她没有那块斑，她应是一个绝色的女子，她开始蓄刘海，她想用她那乌黑的头发遮住那个刺眼的红。

女人到了恋爱的年龄，可她没有勇气去追求她想要的爱情，左前额那块红色的斑是她心中一颗朱砂痣，时刻磨砺着她骄傲的心。

但爱情还是来了，那是个艺术家，女人不懂艺术，打小崇拜搞艺术的人，那个男人说，你有婀娜多姿的身材和一张艺术的脸，女人醉了，她忘了脸上的那块红斑，她为爱献了身，作了艺术家的人体模特。

每次，艺术家画画的时候，都要女人露出那块红斑。有一天，艺术家兴奋的对女人说，我给你画的人体画得了金奖，是因为你漂亮的脸蛋上的那块红斑。

女人惊醒，原来他根本就不爱她，她不过是他廉价的利用品。

第二次爱情，男人是个有钱的老板，只是有些结巴。女人问，你就不想我长得丑？男人说，虽然你长得不了看，但是你的心好，不像别的女人，看中的只是我的钱。

女人信了，其实是信她自己。她是真的爱那个男人。她温柔贤惠，做饭洗衣样样拿手，对男人瘫痪在床的母亲更是照顾的无微不至。

有一次，男人和朋友聊天，她在厨房炒菜，隐隐听到男人说，别看她长得丑，可勤快，能干，这样我就放心把瘫痪在床的老妈甩给她了，还不用付一分钱。原来，男人只是爱他的钱。

女人再次被伤害，而脸上的红斑成了她的心病，她不敢再相信感情，她把精力全部放在工作上，很快，她成了公司举足轻重的人物。

有一次谈判，她认识了一个帅气的男人，女人的优雅、睿智深深地吸引了男人，谈判结束后，男人请女人吃饭，女人拒绝了，像以往拒绝众多优秀男人的爱情盛宴。

男人并未死心，他给她发短信，给她送花，给她唱：我怎么会迷上你，我轻声问自己………

她渐渐有一些心动，却只是普通朋友那样与他交往。后来有一天，男人骑着摩托载她去玩，男人连闯两次红灯被交警拦下，男人说，我是色盲。

女人的心豁然开朗了，她终于倾心投入了与男人的爱情。不久，女人和男人幸福的结合了。

很多年以后的一个早晨，女人依旧像往常一样在镜前描眉抹唇，男人不经意的说，其实，你涂红色的唇膏更好看。半天，女人终于反应过来，幸福的泪一下子毁了她精致的妆…………

this is a love story talking about how a woman has gotten the love of her life even with a red birth mark on her forehead. it's pretty touching, considering that the man managed a white lie for so many years before accidentally revealing that he is actually not colour-blind.

took a walk around causeway point and north point today to look at shirts, shoes, socks, belts, slippers, squash rackets, swimming trunks... ya, most of these things start with 's' for some reasons. it was quite a walk considering i got a wound underneath my left foot after i stepped on my cracked plastic folder while i was cleaning up the other day. i hate it when i feel comfortable walking normally at home but have to walk in an awkward fashion in order to be comfortable.

a few thoughts for today...

was thinking about the recent school module that i've gotten through the STARS war, which is a SSM(NIE) module named physical activity for the special population or something like that. initially i wanted to take it because i thought it may be relevant to a clinical psychologist in handling clients who belong to the special population like ADHD, MR, etc. so along with giving your treatment, you can also give advice on exercising. in my mind that sounds rather like a nice compliment for a professional.

this kinda led me on to thinking about the special population and how are we helping them. in the eyes of the rest of us, the special population, is special. unique. but when euphemism is stripped away, words like weird, strange, scary, etc... come into play. perhaps in the eyes of them, it's the rest of us that is weird. and somehow, i hope that is true of their feelings. which is harder? being normal in a weird world? or being weird in a normal world?

all along in psychology, handling the special population is like handling a disease or an illness. we need to treat them. we are finding ways to bring them back to normal; our standard of norms. but how many times did one ponder over, whether we should bring ourselves to their norm. granted that it's possible, being able to experience what they experience would truly bring about a whole new perspective in understanding their sensory inputs, their thought process, their uncontrollable actions. i would gladly do so. to be able to empathize, to be able to understand more about another individual, or another group.

is it because of our standard of norms in the society, which dictates that we should all behave in a certain way during interactions, bring so much restrictions on the special population that they are causing them pain? are they suffering in the society because of us, the normals? could it be possible to build a society in which the special population can be labelled as part of the population, instead of special? integrated among us, living as usual among us, become 'normal' with us.

perhaps this kind of thoughts spark within me while i was watching a video of an autistic child who grew up to be able to type her thoughts in a laptop one day which astonish her family and therapists. she wasn't taught to read, and from the video, it was hard for her family to help her manage the daily requirements. and in her thoughts, she addressed her sensory abnormalies, her views on how people view the special population, how she yearn to be normal like other kids. should we be the ones to accommodate them, instead of asking them to rise up our standards? especially when it is easier for us than it is for them? of course it's not possible for just a one-way change whereby we accommodate them fully or wanting them to change fully, it's a two-way change, meeting each other halfway, or some way.

it has also bothered me for a while after a prof told us that the special population is lacking in attention in the local context. as if they are keeping the whole thing a hush hush, or not educating the masses enough.. somewhere in my heart, i hope someone would make some noise about it, gather the masses, tell them what's lacking, petition, push for more financial grants, etc. sadly, i'm not that someone. the role needs someone who cares a lot more than me.

saw another video on veteran iraq soldiers who left the force and talked about the things that happened over there at iraq which were hidden away from the public by the media. it seemed that the ex-soldiers couldn't stand by their initial determination to serve the country when they saw what was happening over there. for them, the experience at iraq brought a whole new perspective. apparently, it diverged from what they actually believe they were doing before they went over. it is frightening to think that the americans sent their troops over there, and instead of helping the country and displaying altrusim, the underlying motive behind the war is intertwined with politics, power, money... basically it's not for a pure cause. moreover, the missions that the ex-soldiers talked about involved sacrificing the lives of the local innocent, disrupting their lives, barging into their homes in the middle of the night, raiding them... there was a few seconds extracted from another rather disturbing and viral video that showed the camera view of the ground from the pilots in the chopper and them shooting at the locals. the ending speech made quite a powerful impact, stating that the war is not at iraq, but in america itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmnYuTRUg0A&feature=share

back to school

this is the second week of the new semester, and also my last one as an undergrad.

things btw us took a change again on that same day with some new term that we discovered. it was a critical discovery which led us to where we are now. and i hope with this newfound knowledge, we're able to go further than either of us could imagine. =)

it was a bit frustrating for the start of the new term as i struggled to take a single psychology module or two electives. which option is a lighter load? which option would be less costly? i just found out today that the spanish txtbk and workbook together cost 56 bucks. wtheck. totally lost interest in it after i heard the costs. my jap txt book cost less than 20 bucks, and together with the supplementary notes it's still around 20 bucks. don't even feel like going to the first class of spanish tml because i feel like dropping this module if a better one comes along.

fyp progress has been rather slow. but on 7th feb i would need to submit a 30 page long report on microexpressions which i only have 3 pages done. seriously, i need to start doing up my report already.

chinese new year is around the corner, in fact it's next mon. exactly one week from now. a few things left to buy... a new shirt, short pants, ankle socks, maybe briefs, belt, wallet, shoes. okay, that's quite a bit of things.

reorganize my room a few days back. looks really neat and tidy, except for the wardrobe which i am still waiting for my personal fashion consultant to come over the scrutinize and filter my collection. threw away a lot of stuffs this year. some very old birthday presents, some things that used to have value, etc. when there are less things, my room look more organized and nice.

doesn't help

i couldn't shake off this feeling that my insides are constantly being squeezed.
i hate this feeling.
as much as i like to suave and walk away, i was stopped by something i can't control.
my thoughts.

it's strange to think this way when thoughts are something one would usually think they have control over. but in actual fact, not all thoughts are voluntary. just as, not all thoughts are involuntary.

i tried the usual shower therapy to cool myself down.
usually it works by calming myself with the running cold water.
just now, it felt like i got into a panic episode.
quick and short breaths, i felt like i was nearly at my limits.
i stopped and tried to catch my breath.
as if i just sprinted, i deeply panted a few times.

now that i'm back in the room, i felt a bit better.
i will find the strength in me to cope with whatever is bothering me.

this will not be an avenue of my emotions letting loose.

morning came.

it felt a little suffocating.

there's something swirling inside of me.

i can't get it out.

or do i want to get it out?

it hurts to think.

guess now it's my turn.

.. _. . . _.. _.__ ___ .._

.

I need someone to hold me to sleep tonight

Food craving

Prata.

a new year

let me start out with my new year resolutions that i wrote while awaiting the starting of the new year with her.

2012 New Year resolutions

1. maintain my IPPT silver or better - that means running more before the test. i'm determined to get that 400 bucks just becuz i want more money.

2. build a better tank for wugui - have been wanting to do that more years. more imptly for this year, i would want to build a basking platform which is safe so that wugui can get out of the water and dry himself with the sun

3. learn to live a healthy life - my life till now has been rather healthy as my family doesn't really buy soft drinks nor snacks. but lacking in my life is vegetables, fruits... have been eating more vegetables progressively through the recent years, but this year i would like to make an effort eating more and also eat more fruits

4. spend more time with family - as an undergraduate, i have been spending most of my time trapped in my own room behind closed doors. not studying, but mostly roaming around the internet. it's time to spend time with my family, be it as simple as watching tv with my mum after dinner or going to the market with her, dropping into my dad's entertainment room from time to time to find out what he's watching and join him if it's interesting, sitting by the sofa and accompany my sis watching animations on her laptop... perhaps a movie for the family to be played on the weekend, just to gather everyone by the smart tv that we bought recently. and also, i thought it would be nice to spend time with her family.

5. find a job that i like doing instead of the need to have a job and earn $ - many times i have vowed to myself that i will never do a job that doesn't interest me and make my life boring. but as that day drew nearer and nearer, i found myself becoming more scared that this vow that i made would not materialize with the practicality of the society that we all live in. within this sem, i would be looking for job opportunities, sending out resumes... and what i hope to find, is something that would bring life, into my life. although at the moment, i still dont really have a specific detailed idea of what that is. hopefully i have the courage and strength.

6. to not forget to smile when facing hardships - as i often procrastinate my work till deadlines, i often find myself being so stressed out over the work and lose sleep and appetite over them. that, i'm okay. but i just want to remind myself to smile despite all the pressure. just because smiling makes everything better. not only on my work, but more generally in life.

7. start on project 366 - as i start to leave school in mid-year, i would find myself detached from the school environment which i was so familiar with for the majority of my lived life. and one of the most regrettable stuffs i feel from all those years in school, is to forget your friends. it's terrible, but it's inevitable. project 366 is a thought that came months before my 21st bday as an inspiration to remember my encounters with friends, and also to see if ever, could anyone knows friends or people of all possible birthdays in a year. it was 365, but i thought i put in a challenge for 29th feb.

8. make a wooden craft again - it's an interest. the elegant showpiece of things made out of wood inspires me to do something similar. that although i can't do much with the small tools i have available in my house, i bet i still can do some stuffs.

9. throw away things that should be thrown - i guess it has always been on my mind to throw away things that should have be thrown years ago. yet recently, my gtb brought it up strongly enough for me to consider seriously throwing away my old clothes that i no longer wear, and i guess she would also recommend throwing away clothes that i no longer should wear. haha... this also applies to other stuffs also. the old floppy disks that i have in the drawers, old dragonball collecting cards, etc.. and i decided to throw away things of my past. it no longer holds any value and certainly, it's taking up space.

10.improve my fashion sense and buy more clothes - the clothes that i wear have never really been a concern for me except during chinese new year when buying new clothes is the tradition. i usually have troubles finding clothes, mostly because i have no idea what looks nice on me. i just find things that are similar to what i have, which i thought looked nice. things changed a bit ever since i met her, who doubled up as my fashion consultant. it does feel good to wear nice clothes. but sometimes, i just don't know if i have the ingredients right. whether i'm wearing matching clothes, whether i look okay, be it the clothes or me. it's assuring and comforting to know that i look more than fine with the compliments of hers.

11. take good care of myself and the ones around me - at times, i would let myself suffer. at times, i would torture myself by not enjoying. money issues, some other personality issues, i don't really know why. but the fact is, i'm not enjoying some aspects of life. like this laptop i'm using to type this post, it's free. i'm not enjoying it because it's sorta like a cheap stuff that comes free with the smart tv. i'm not enjoying it because i didn't actually buy it. retail therapy works quite fine on me. but because my retail therapy usually revolves around things that are highly priced, i'm largely limited and become more conscious of my needs and wants, short-term and long-term. that said, i'm not saying that i would spend all my money this year. but i would probably spend all during my grad trip becuz i don't have much in my account. i'm saying i should be more relaxed on my bank account so that i can take good care of myself, and the ones around me. it's worth to spend on myself, but i think it's more worth it to spend on others that i care about.

12. getting a driving license - it's time to get one.

so that's it, 12 resolutions for 2012.

spend the new year's eve at some park, camping there overnight to catch the first sun rise of the new year. we kinda entered the plan with much anticipation, but as the night came, that feeling of excitement wore off a bit. the stuffy atmosphere in the tent makes it rather uncomfortable to enjoy, and yet opening the flaps of the tent greatly reduced the privacy. what makes it worse is the heat that comes in the morning.

although the way to spend the eve wasn't as great as we thought it would be, we were still glad that we had each other by our side.

fyp's meeting up in 8 days, 3 days would be spent in KL, half a day is gone today. that means 4.5 days more of fyp report writing. i feel like sending an email now to both my profs saying that i won't be able to complete my 5 pages by then and just enjoy the rest of the holidays first. haha.. i can't remember a long period of time of me nuaing at home. first it was the internship, and then this holiday period has been quite happening. i like how this holiday turned out, eventful, spending time with her, enjoying the festivals... but i guess a period of nuaness/doing-nothing is good before i begin my final sem also.

well, happy new year~!

and my hotmail went down recently and i've changed to gmail (johnyquek@).