Monday, February 28, 2011

New idea

After my hp318 health test which I think I did badly, I came across a girl who was texting while she was walking. Nothing special about that. But the thing was her facial expression. She was smiling, slightly sucking on her lips, in an ideal world I would picture that scene in a rather seductive manner. But the qns that I was more dying to know instead of picturing her in a bikini doing that same action again, is.. Who was she texting?

But of cuz, we're just strangers. Why would I want to know? That's probably becuz I'm a pervert. Haha..

In a sense, that's pretty true. I like to get to know more abt others in anyway possible. And one of them, include their faces. During interactions, ppl communicate mostly thru nonverbal cues. So, basically, other than words, there's a great deal of other information that's coming from the speaker. The face, posture, tone, pitch... Every thing!

But in the technological world that we're living in, will communication continues to stay as such? I'm always in a love-hate relationship with my mobile phone ever since I got one. Before these communicative devices, all I had was my home phone. And when I want to talk to someone, that person has to be at home. It did bring a lot of inconvenience with it as compared to today, but I like the simplicity of things. At least it was pretty clear who's interested in who. If I call you alot, that gonna call for something. But nowadays, it's different. Calls in today's term holds less weight than before somehow. SMS, somewhat worst.

I kinda deviate from what I wanna talk about becuz I can't see the whole post on my 'smartphone'. Haha.. Hmm.. Questions that I actually seek answers to are... Do we behave the same way when we do our texting, calling, tele-conferencing,etc like what we do face to face? It can't exactly be the same, since when you're typing like what I'm doing, you don't open your mouth and talk along with your words. That aside, how abt your facial expression? Posture? When the girl that I saw was giving that slight smile while sucking her lips (or biting, whichever), it certainly expresses a special meaning towards the other party. Or at the very least, the content of the message.

Logically speaking, it would be probably correlate pretty well. But the design of the study is a bit hard to
Imagine? Which situation should I conduct? Texting? Mms? Videocall? And with whom? Someone you know? Or someone you can see? What abt the contents? I was hoping it could be more emotional to elicit whatever emotions are available. But how should the situation be created? All these expt factors reminded me just how hard it is to conduct an expt.

But then again, it's this kind of thoughts that keep me looking forward to doing my fyp. Something that's interesting, innovative. But this can wait I got a more concrete idea of what i really want. I used to think abt the synchronization of human footsteps to music; following clear beats in an automatic fashion. Happens to everyone, or just me? Haha.. Maybe animals do that too.

Reaching home. So, signing off.

inheritance

today, is 1 lunar year since she has gone.
and so, the 4 siblings gathered at my house once again to give their prayers and offerings to their dear mother, my dear ah ma.
whenever i recalled the night when all of us called to the hospital, my eyes just teared up. i have to admit, that for this matter, i would probably never able to be strong. i could see the fear in their eyes, the terrible wait of result as the doctor tried to resuscitate her heartbeat. when the doc came out, and he asked for the family members... my heart sank. it was somewhat like the tv series that you normally see, but the emotions were a lot more extreme. i couldn't forget the sight of my dad crying. and i found myself unable to control my tears. but it wasn't the same as when i was still a crybaby; those times, you want to cry. that night, i didn't even have time to think, before my eyes went red. just like now, as i'm typing.

forever tears.
something i devote to my dear ah ma.

anyway, it came the time to separate the coins that she left behind for her 8 grandchildren. it's kinda coincidental how things work out in the family tree. 4 siblings; 2 males and 2 females, have 8 children in total; 4 males and 4 females. i thought it was kinda nice. she left quite a bit of coins for us to count. but something surprised me more.
there was this sum of money that was suppose to be split among the siblings, but while i was doing the calculation for dad, he told me to divide by 5. hence the qns, why. he told me, as the only grandson with the family name, i'm considered in splitting of the inheritance. i didn't say anything about it after that. the sum came to be quite a significant amount which is really a blessing (from her) at this moment when my finance is going low. but, i don't really feel like taking it. 1st of all, in terms of filial piety, i have probably failed as a grand son. loving her in the heart doesn't count when you don't express it explicitly.

but the most impt reason that i was reluctant to take it, or even the share among the 8 grandchildren, was that taking even a minute part of her inheritance, is equivalent to accepting that fact that she's gone, forever. and even after 1 year, i still can't really let go, or even forgive myself.

i always will remember that incident when we caught a dragonfly together.

should stop writing. it's hard typing while wiping after my tears, and trying to study for my health psych test tml.

读书聪明 - she used to wish me that.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

void

if i force myself to be void of feelings,
what will i be again.

i, might become, me again.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

just that sense of downness

想找个知心人聊一聊,
却发现。。
曾经的那个人,
已不能接近。

心里话,
还能对谁诉说?
说了,谁又能明呢?

所谓知己。。
知道我的过去,
了解我的现在,
关心我的未来。

失去了淡心的人。。
比那失恋一时的痛苦,
更长久 更悲哀。

我的旧伤,
我的新欢,
只能与寂寞分享。。

this is not good.

well, i'm officially rejected by the company.
seriously, what was i thinking when i told them i would probably not stay in the field of psychology. it's like stabbing myself, multiple times.

oh well, there goes an interesting experience.
optimistic ppl would think, "but this creates an opening for other interesting experience!"
pessimistic ppl would think, "why... why does this happen to me.. T_T"
i would think, "alright, next."

it's beginning to dawn on me that my 'don't-really-care' attitude towards my career is going hit me big time when i finally graduate in less than 1.5 years time. it would be great if it's smooth-flowing when i apply for pilot, but if that doesn't work out, i would want a job in psychology.

damn, should have bullshit my way through during the interview. haha.. but still, selling myself is just something i don't really like. i'll just let myself be sold. it's easier, it's more authentic.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

failed interview

today is one of those unlucky days.

went for my interview for internship.
i sorta screwed myself up by being honest.
for a company who's looking for an intern with the possibility of working with them in future after the person graduate, i would be last on their list.

oh well.
maybe i'll just nua away my break before fyp.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

having troubles with factor analysis

now, it's pretty much useless going thru the lecture notes.
i'm still left with tons of questions of what to do with my assignment.
the bloodly missing data, the stupid outliers, the wrong data coding...

i don't even know what the question is asking for.
damn it.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

summary of weekend

to sum up this weekend's activity, which for me started on friday, is 3 rounds of mahjong, 2 hours of marvelvs capcom 3, 4 movies watched in the comfort of my room, data grouping for 2 questions, and finally, tons of procrastination for my stats assignment up for friday. i just looked through the questions... i don't think i can do any more than over the 1st out of the 9 questions. of which, carries minimal weight on the whole assignment.

i promised myself to finish revising factor analysis, which i know nothing of at the moment, over this weekend... but no.. damn it. i wonder if future work life is gonna be like this? as in the situation whereby there are so many different work to do, you just can't find time to sit down and concentrate on one. i would rather prefer just spending time with just one matter.

it's something like when i was studying for a's, and i would automatically block out any other thoughts. such peaceful times.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

out of sight, out of mind

i hate looking at fb newsfeed and seeing her pictures.
it just reminded me of how i wanted to ask her out, but didn't.

yeah, i'm a wimp.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

self-awareness

i hate to admit the fact that i'm almost always, highly aware of whether others are observing me or not. it's as though there's something weird about me that they can't help but notice.

today was one of those days. the most common cause of it is skin peeling. usually after the sunday soccer under the hot sun, my skin would peel. it used to be so serious i have to apply cream in order to mask the terrible peeling. but my skin kinda got used to the radiation and is peeling a lot less, but still, peeling. when i noticed some ppl were having their eyes locked on me, i began to wonder whether my skin peeling was so bad that they kept looking. or was my fly open? when i finally got off the train and went to the toilet to inspect, true enough, my skin was peeling. but, i don't think it was that noticeable. -_- so, wtheck were they looking at? and yes, i have quite a bit of white hair. is that it? sighz.

another day of 'don't know what the hell is going on' day in school, especially in stats class. used to be my best known subject without doing anything, now it's the worst of all. sianz. and 4 out of 5 modules have projects. haiz.. i'm getting more and more stressed about not progressing in my workload, readings... understandings... something i don't like very much. it used to be smooth-sailing, like in junior college. now, its ~!@#$%^&*()_+. i think it's time to make friends with SPSS and its functions. one day, maybe, i'll be the Mark Zukerberg of statistics syntax. haha.. i will produce a macro so powerful, multiple types of analysis can be done at the same time~! woohoo~! throw away SPSS, AMOS and use this~!

anyway, found it kinda hard to teach a p6 boy in foundation maths. i still have the habit of giving random suggestions to solving problems, which apparently wasn't working too well for him, and me. better to just stick to a hard heuristics. i found myself more eager to teach higher standards of maths, pupils who are smarter. becuz instead of teaching basics, i'm more towards providing innovations, broading their mind to mathematical concepts, to link everything together. oh well, if they're so smart, they probably won't need me. so, i'll just teach basics for now. although frustrating, but teaching is always rewarding. the downside apart from everything else is, compared to kelda, he less adorable. yes, she talks a lot of things outside of maths, her happenings in school, her friends, her girlfriends, movies.. interesting questions i doubt my current would ask. i like reactive ppl.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine day/ single awareness day

Here comes the time again. the special occasion for lovers to celebrate their love over a nice dinner and then perhaps a romantic night together. prices of roses shot sky-high, guys waiting outside the lecture theatre with these expensive, about-to-wither-in-a-couple-of-days flowers, smiling anxiously as the class ends and the students were coming out of the door, scanning the streams of crowd for that girl who he has been waiting for for the past hour or so. i literally felt disgusted while i passed by one of these men, almost choked on drinking the cooler water when i recalled the image of him standing there and smiling sheepishly. maybe i'm just not into these kind of stuffs. or perhaps when i'm in love, i might. but now, not so much.

a question entered my mind today, while i was walking around in campus, strolling towards the canteen for lunch. does valentine's day has an effect on ppl's dressing? my common sense told me that ppl who has an awareness about valentine's day would make an effort to dress themselves more on this special day, no matter whether they are attached, single, or if their partner are with them; whatever the case. why would i say that? well, simply becuz i saw ppl who dressed up. highly suspicion of confirmation bias, and i must agree with this. but hey, it's still a valid hypothesis. people always dress for special occasion. and for valentine's day, my gut feeling tells me that people would be observing others around, and even if that's intially self-percieved, this self-perception would eventually lead you to observe other ppl also. and when you know this day is gonna be a 'you're-gonna-be-observed-more-than-normal' day, you would wanna dress up well. it's just social politeness. haha.. not for me though.

during health psych class, wendy was talking about drugs addiction. Ever since I've heard of drugs addiction, I have thoughts of trying the drugs out myself And see if I have the strength within me to actually resist the urge to ingest that pill, inject myself with chemicals, or to simply not puff another smoke or drink another beer. Yet, I don't foresee myself ever executing this stupid act out. It's not so much of the fact that many ppl has failed from doing so, but the possible adverse consequences I have to risk after doing so. Why harm yourself just so you can prove something that's probably not gonna be appreciated by any, especially when you voluntarily enter this shithole?

chiu's going away tonight, soon.
well, bon voyage.

i drank some cheap wine, so i shall emo here abit before i start to wander off into the internet and procrastinate on my already huge pile of work.

my valentine's days have always been much of a letdown. the most surprising thing was still that heart-shaped box of ferrero rocher that was under my desk when i was 15. i know i talked about this a lot, but the mystery of the secret sender has captivated me for so long. to date, it's 9 years already. why? why would you send a box of chocolates during valentine's day and not let the reciever know who you are? i was left completely perplexed by the gift which only has a simple message of "happy valentine's day". thru these years, i have managed to ask that one single person i thought has the highest probability of doing so, but she truthfully denied it. as close as we are, i don't think this matter was one that's worthy of a lie. and so, i'm left with no guesses. my ex couldn't have done it, not her style, and i'm not her type during that period. that girl whom i was tutoring couldn't have done it, she wouldn't have bother. i think i failed so bad at doing detective work, becuz i don't even bother asking around. and the funny part was that i was so scared that someone sent me the gift by mistake, cuz it didn't state the reciever's name too, and so, i didn't eat any of the rochers until it expired and i threw them all away and kept the box till now. some day, if i become a forensic scientist by any chance, i would get thumbprints from the insides of the box. someday...

single awareness day~!
at the moment, i'm not so desiring a lover, but wanting a 知己. over the years, my number of confidants drop to zero. even my old friend nik is ignoring my subtle hints for a casual chat every once in a while, probably busy. not only in love relationships, but also in friendships, there's a disparity in the commitment, and other aspects. the value of a relationship as noted in psychological theories not only relates to love, but also to all kinds of relationships. friendships, being the closest similar pairings as compared to boy-girl r/s.

even though my emotions and feelings can't be conveyed to anyone but myself over this all-so-normal day as said by a dear friend of mine (lynn), it's okay to just look at the night sky and drink my thoughts away. sorrows, not so much. happiness, perhaps a little.

oh ya, just before i forget, i had a funny dream last night.
i remembered a shoulder-length hair girl with specs came telling me, 我们交往吧。
and i happily agreed and pat her head lightly. haha..
probably got this idea from a video i saw yesterday about different ways of proposing to different horoscopes, i think it's a chinese video by isabelle; jewellery brand. in the video, it's 我们结婚吧。

the funnier thing is that i saw this girl on the train who was looking quite like the girl i saw in my dream, although i couldn't rmb clearly the face, but as i sat down while looking at her, i realized she was noticing me too. next thing i knew i banged my head on the glass when i sat down. -_-.

射手座

射手座对自己在意的人,形式上可能很随意,心里其实是重视的。

射手座最讨厌条条框框,想来就来,想走就走。

射手座最不擅长收拾残局,有虎头蛇尾的嫌疑。

射手座认为承诺意味着责任,会使她们崇尚的“自由”受到侵犯。有趣的现象是,射手座在现实生活中,上班,有家庭,未必真的很自由,她们在人际交往中尤其需要“让她们自由的感觉”,她们会做出很多强烈的反应,来证明自己是自由的,不惜以离开、或者警告对方为代价。

普通的星座分析,认为射手座的人花心。其实射手座的人喜欢交朋友,她们往往分不清友谊与爱情的差异,重视朋友的射手座时常会跟异性朋友擦出火花,因为射手座的观念是,若是谈爱情,咱们首先得是朋友。在模糊概念之下发展出来的“爱情”如果令她们失望,她们毫不犹豫选择放弃,再交其她的异性朋友,于是人们看见的只是射手座的表面。 。

射手座喜欢对方,会邀请很多朋友在一起玩,唱卡拉OK,她希望自己喜欢的人能跟她一起享受呼朋唤友、热热闹闹的乐趣。

假如一个射手没有单独邀请你,并不代表她对你没好感。

射手座喜欢把自己的快乐和小秘密,跟要好的“死党”分享。射手座的生活和社交,是很难独立存在的。但当你问一个射手,你问得越多,她越反感,越是不告诉你,她的不告诉跟天蝎座注重隐私不同,只是追问让她感觉不自由。

我就是我,自由自在的我,是射手座的座右铭。

射手座天生的“猎人”,不吝惜使用身体语言,略显佻达。射手座在人际交往上,特别善于发觉对方的优点,尤其对于年轻的射手座而言,同时周旋在几个异性之间是再正常不过的事。

射手座外热内冷。射手的内心相当理智。与天蝎座类似之处,是射手座的直觉和观察能力。射手座外表大大咧咧,其实她一边跟你漫不经心的谈话,一边在用余光和眼神暗暗揣摩你。当你不是她倾心的类型,她有本事丝毫不让你察觉和尴尬地继续和你保持“朋友”关系。射手座出现的场合通常是朋友聚会、卡拉OK、户外登山等人很多的地方。她们给人的印象总是花心和不可靠,却最容易陷入寻寻觅觅的孤独境地。

射手遇见自己真正喜欢的人,其实是相当沉默和安静的。她们天生不安分的灵魂,害怕为了某个人而停留,害怕为了所谓爱情失去至为宝贵的自由,所以她们在与喜欢的人愉悦交往时,会突然消失的无影无踪。她们往往利用这个时间,静静的思考,也是在考察自己对象的反应。

射手座喜欢制造快乐,喜欢轻松的交往。自己的烦恼和不愉快的事,不愿意带给别人,典型的“把悲伤留给自己”。人们对射手的印象是很快乐,很没心没肺,不需要任何安慰。其实射手的内心很脆弱,在人群散去之后,害怕孤独的射手总是最孤独的那一个。

射手在塔罗里对应的是“节制”,意思是追求平衡,拒绝任何极端的事物和感情,她象一缕和煦的清风,自由自在的飘荡。

射手珍惜的人,喜欢的人,会终生认定对方,包容对方的缺点,善良的射手总是为自己找到更多原谅对方的理由。你会经常发现一个射手,仿佛对曾经交往的不快忘得一干二净,继续把快乐带给你。其实射手心里很受伤,她的天性是快乐和坚强,珍惜和包容。 。

射手座真正爱一个人,是一生一世的,会变得不再象射手,即使她们不能与自己所爱的人在一起,也会默默地祝福对方,能看到自己爱的人快乐,是射手最大的心愿。

射手座的内心象个孩子,天真活泼。她们调皮,她们看上去不可靠,她们天马形空,今天在这,明天在那。她们仿佛不需要任何人惦记,她们不喜欢承诺和任何形式上的规则,她们不给人安全感,她们自大,她们从来吝于说甜言蜜语。有意思的是,被射手喜欢的人,都会认为射手根本不在乎自己,甚至讨厌自己。

射手,这是你们最大的悲哀!

外表快乐的射手,注定是孤独的。她们始终在寻觅真正的知己,她们喜欢内心坚强、成熟的人,她们最需要朋友的挂念和关心,她们需要别人给她们安全感,她们更需要别人的承诺,她们需要喜欢的人说甜言密语。

当你做了这一切,射手就会很感动,从心里认定你这个朋友。可是她们不善于表达,任何有关承诺和定位的言语,都休想从射手嘴里吐出来。她们会做给你看。

被射手认定的朋友,是幸福的。被射手爱上的人,更是幸福的。


- 给, 曾经包容过我的人

天蝎座

天蝎的本质:执著
不要怀疑了,天蝎的一切特性,都源自其执著,对自己的目标的追逐,对自己信念的坚定,对自己的路的坚持,都源于他的本性——执著!很少有人比蝎子更痴情,那也是蝎子对自己爱情的执著。这个本质对于蝎子来说是其成功的一个要素,不过一旦一个蝎子被野心所控制,那么就会对整个世界造成影响。
  因为太过于执著,所以天蝎无论是怎么样的,都会表现出过激的反应,对于在自己目标上的障碍,他们会不留情的去铲除。所以对于蝎子来说,冷酷与其说是本质,不如说是天蝎所常的一个手段,用冷酷来保护自己,是一个蝎子最基本的办法!这个在后边解释!再说说城府,很多人在提起天蝎的时候都会说这个星座的人城府很深!其实不然,天蝎只是对于事物的看法不那么容易表现出来,我们宁可把自己的感觉用行动表现出来,也不习惯用言语表达,所以给人以阴沉的感觉。
  由于对自己信念的执著,所以天蝎对自己所做的一切都是一个投入,一种全身心的投入,这个优点是其他星座所没有的,所以天蝎做事情一般都会成功,因为他们的投入。不过天蝎并不是很在意结果,他们在意的只是过程中自己的投入,只要他们想做的,就从来不想让自己留下遗憾,所以结果如何,对于蝎子来说不是最重要的,重要的,是他们尽了全力。所以蝎子都很喜欢这个感觉,无论是做什么,那怕是报复……
(关于“执著”这点,不置可否,“执著”只可以说是中性词,可以说是坚持不懈,同样也可以理解为倔强、死脑筋,我似乎偏向于后者。其次关于信念目标这些太大太空的东西,我说不太好,但关于蝎子喜欢“走自己的路让别人说去”,这点似乎说的恰如其分,至于感情方面,这种说不清道不明的东西,恐怕只有自己心里知道,不说了。最后关于蝎子“冷酷”和“城府”,对于我来讲,我“冷”是缘于不自信,缘于对自己表达能力的不自信,决非耍酷,更不是“有城府”,在这点上说得很符合。)
  天蝎的共同特点:冷静
  这个是所有天蝎的特点!在任何事情里,天蝎都喜欢用冷眼看,用自己的理解去分析,从自己的这个方面来判断对自己的影响,天蝎所信奉的是:事不关己!高高挂起!这个也是你不去招惹蝎子,蝎子很少主动去招惹你一样!
(呵呵,我没它说得那么高深,什么“用自己的理解去分析”,更没它说的那么可怕,但别招惹我确实不假。)
  所有的天蝎都孤独
  没有一个蝎子不孤独的,而且他们不害怕孤独,反而可以去享受孤独的滋味。蝎子每过一段时间都要去自己单独的呆一会,他们这个时候会反省自己以前一段时间里所做的一切对于自己现在来说是对还是错误的!不过,他们并不渴望孤独,相反,他们他们渴望的是有人可以把他从孤独里带出来,所以他们会异常的珍惜他们的朋友和爱人,因为只有和真的朋友在一起的时候蝎子才不会感到孤独,因为他们投入的特点,所以蝎子都会十分的厌恶背叛和欺骗!他们不会去背叛和欺骗自己的朋友,同样,他们也同样的要求自己的朋友和爱人不可以背叛自己,欺骗自己。
(是不是所有的蝎子都孤独,我不知道,但我知道我确实很孤独,圈子小,朋友少,有些事不方便和父母说,更少有信得过的朋友能直言肺腑,所以孤独一说,确实很在理。至于“厌恶背叛和欺骗”,我想常人都会这么做,只是蝎子更明显而已罢了。)
  天蝎的字典只有对和错
  在天蝎的字典里,只有对和错两个选择。在人群里,天蝎的分类大概是最简单的,一个是与自己有关的人,一个是与自己没关的人,在与自己有关的人里边,只有朋友和敌人的分类!很多书都说蝎子是一个水与火的结合,是一个两个极端的结合,没错,的确是这个样子,天蝎的世界是最简单的,因为在他们的世界里,除了对,就是错,没有第三条路。这个观点体现在所有的蝎子身上!
(我有这么极端?!)
  天蝎致命的弱点-感情:
  蝎子并不是人们通常所说的那个样子,是一个冷血动物,他们的冷酷只是他们的一个伪装。一个保护自己脆弱的心的伪装,蝎子不是象大家想象的那样坚强,他们的投入有一个最致命的弱点。大家都知道期望越大,失望越大的意思,所以,蝎子通常不把自己的感情投入到一个人身上,所以他们用冷酷来吓退自己不感兴趣的人。对于蝎子的报复的,很多人都提起过,说到感情不可以不说天蝎为什么要那么样的报复曾经“对不起”他的人,如果你从上边看到这里,那么你应该可以明白,为什么蝎子会在报复的时候那么的狠毒!
  对于蝎子而言,感情是专一的,是真诚的,蝎子可以无视别人对你的看法,只要他认为你是他的一个朋友,你可以十恶不赦,可以吃喝嫖赌,可以之前是人尽可夫的妓女,可以是个卑鄙无耻的骗子,只要你对蝎子是真诚的,那么你就是他的朋友。不过请注意,蝎子是会在一些小事情上来感觉到你对他的感情是否是真诚的,不要以为你可以欺骗蝎子,除非你可以做到滴水不漏,在任何事情上都防备蝎子!否则,你会先尝到蝎尾的毒针!

even though it's proven fact that horoscopic descriptions, predictions... are all just pseudoscience, i still feel it's pretty applicable to me. perhaps i grew up knowing the characteristics, and end up following the path described. or perhaps, long ago, some unknown forces created this disparities among all, giving group differences on top of the individual differences that we all have.

Scorpio, strong and weak.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

growing

at some point of life, you can't deny that you're on the expressway of the passage of time. friends planning to get a flat together; getting married. soon there will be little kids running around when we play mahjong. haha.

as i worry about the future, i can see friends who are making decisions and moving forward, marching towards goals and aims, desires and whatever. to those who eyes fortune, i have nothing against them. they're still pursuing their interests, with money as one of them. but i always thought life should be more than that.

still, i was caught off guard on how practical the society is. no$ =nothing. if it's up to me, this earth will rotate without the use of currency. what do we need riches and poor for? for those who are accomplished to get what they deserved? sounds fair. what about the poor? those driven to crimes becuz of desperation. those who never experienced poverty probably think that whatever the case, criminal acts are forbidden. try starving for 3 days, living in a cardboard house without shelter from the rain. the psychological pains that a person has to live thru knowing that there are people who are eating their tummy full while you starve and search the trashbins for leftover of any sorts. and when they realize it's useless to think about such unfairness in the world, a self-numbing attitude covers their mind and they just live on. few could escape the poverty-cycle. ppl are impressed by those who do, and even more by those who did splendidly. but why? i ask myself this question multiple times, and yet i couldn't come out with a justified, or even a satisfied answer.

it's okay to be rich. it's also okay to be middle-income. but it's never okay to be poor. every country has its share of poor residents. then, if you look at this small globe among other giant stars, it has its share of poor countries. humans are ultimately selfish, if selfish is simply defined as not helping others. researchers, theorists, etc can put forth reasons why altruism isn't all that common in reality, and some may even question whether that exists. there's no avenue to helping them, i have not the ability nor resources, there are people who are better... i don't know much about what was discussed during the earth summit, or whatever meetings were met to find solutions to people who are in dire needs of help. but i do know it's not progressing as well as anyone could hope for. basic necessities not met, high child mortality... why the world must be unfair? does working hard and then recieving the results of hard work fair? does fair really has a 'fair' definition?

as my mind fills up with random thoughts, old ones as of today, i should really get back to sch work as it's piling up like a volcano waiting to kill all the villagers who just wouldn't budge even though they know they are in danger zone.

one day, maybe just one day, when i have so much free time, i would think about how this can all work out.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

BSE - the IN thing for older women

as much as i wanted to comment on the rather amusing conversation happening in facebook right now, over a silly picture tagged with me, i rather talk about something more relevant to studies. makes it more relevant and maybe i'll remember it better since the textbook is just full of paragraphs with points scattered all over the place and not really worth the effort to pick them out one by one and prepared it like a secondary school science question.

BSE, the abbreviation for Breast Self-examination, is basically what the name suggests. breast cancer increases with age, but checking breasts for cancer goes the other way with age. one reason the txtbook didn't suggest, but i thought of, might be women have higher sexual drive when they're younger, which leads to 'breast self-examination'. of course it's complete bullshit, but it's worth a thought. self-arousal coupled with self-examination for lumps, this two don't really goes together on second thought. the examination would probably kill any mood for arousal.

and that's why, i thought to myself, for the benefit of my future wife, i would willingly volunteer the service of my hands daily, in order to prevent something that could be cured with early detection. however, the text did mention that most women (and that would probably mean almost all men), do not know how to do BSE properly. an amateur would probably be crying over any hard matter that she felt.

health psychology, that's what i'm reading. the topic is on specific health-related behaviors.

something that has been going on for some time in my mind since the consideration of companies providing internships for psychology undergraduates...i'm interested in quite a number of fields which i can't really decide a favourite. still, here's something that i thought i could actually do, and also make money out of it.

online gaming addiction has been, and will be increasingly, a problem ever since the start of the world wide web. the entire world shrink into a small (though sometimes as large as the map in WoW) virtual space where you meet all kinds of idiots going around killing newbies, annoying everyone, and also kind souls who give you equipments for free and help you through questing. i'm a victim, and a sucker for mmorpgs. the desire to overpower everyone else in the game has always been an aim which i know wasn't realistic given that there're always other kids who will have more time and are more willingly to spend that much cash on a game to be the 'best'. still, the competitive side of me often drags me into the login page and kept me hooked for hours. that, before the deadlines of several assignments and readings hit me so hard that i uninstall the games to prevent myself from playing it (i wanna call it a psychological self-intervention but it's too simple, direct, and common sense to be one).

going back to what i wanted to say...
games have their elements of keeping people hooked for hours. be it the young, teens, young adults, old adults. games do not have a limit on age. and that is why i often find lao uncles playing chinese chess downstairs, smoking their time away... and the schema of 4 aunties sitting around a table playing mahjong. kids, most probably in their own rooms killing zombies. facebook has its fair share of gaming time by the users (i.e. farmville, mafia). smartphone apps, some useful, but personally, i would prefer apps that are games.

games in itself is enjoyable by the players. often, the most successful games that keep the players going for hours, and committed for what seemed like an entire life, are able to engage the players in a special psychological state, that some famous guy with a long name that i can't pronounce nor remember, whom coined the term, 'FLOW'. something like flowing water, maybe? i'm fascinated by this field ever since i got to know it. and the thought of masturabation may be a state of flow, just entered my mind. ha.

so, there must be some things that make us suckers for games, be it the physical, or the virtual. we enjoy these games. and, we want to win at this games, to achieve something, to gain that self-efficacy that we desire. so what are these factors?

my vision is to intergrate these uncharted factors, into virtual games that educate people in the academic field. sounds simple, common-sensical. but the thing is, i haven't come across any teaching method that is even remotely relevant. maybe all my teachers were too mainstreamed for this kind of unproven scientific junk. i once watched a movie about a guy who don't study well but plays basketball well. i think the girl helped him by incorporating basketball into learning. this might not work for everyone, but it's worth considering as what's greater than enjoying the learning process. maybe the achievements, but the learning process is still impt. without it, how do those achievements appear at the end?

and of cuz, programming issues would be out of the boundaries for an IT-cretin like me. so, if this plan ever materialize, perhaps i will engage vian.

then, maybe i can earn some money out of this games which help students to learn, and me to earn $. win-win situation. and by then, i expect many students to carry smartphones around. game apps that are educational~!

for someone who is about to buy his first phone, i think i'm thinking too far.
if anyone wanna steal my idea or improvise it like what the facebook creator did, sure. my ideas are not original. it's just that i haven't come across any crystallization of the ideas yet in my so-mainstream country, or island. i'm quite sure in order to revolutionize the education system which is turning children into studying machines, i will have to be a minister of education or higher. ha.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

3rd? 4th?

i was thinking how many years have we began to have the annual steamboat/bbq over at my house. and it occured to me that she has not attended any before. then i realized, the first was after we weren't together.

anyway, this time i was kinda lazy to bring out two steamboats, plus not a lot of people, so i just brought out 1. it was a smaller crowd than before, i think. it used to be rather crowded with all the couples coming by. special appearance by yHuat, and his, i wanna say young, gf. but it probably doesn't matter when all of us are old. by that time, we're just, all old. ha. simple steamboat, as usual, i never eat till full whenever i hosted. haha.. would be busy being a waiter for the evening. somehow it seemed, i managed to cut costs this year with just 10 bucks/person. or rather, i think it's just a bit over, so i just take on the rest of the costs. plus a few guys paid extra, and brought extra food. it's no longer an issue of fairness. to me, it's more of the feeling of wanting to just gather together, eat a good meal, drink some good mixture, and win the hell out of each other's money on the mahjong table.

my facebook got messed around with, quite interesting on how things turn out.

i'm more and more inclined to buying that damn mainstream high-end shit phone.
please, for some reason, some good phone get released fast before my $50 voucher ends.

too cool for mainstream.
too idiotic to not be.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

to not ignore, and care

for my parents.
now, and when they're old.
for when i'm older and enter the working society,
my life would be filled with work, and perhaps my own family.
less of my own parents, more of everything else.
and in case it's not in my inborned traits to automatically show concern and spend time with my parents,
this is a note to self on it.