the superior me. the inferior me.

the superior me.

i look upon myself as an exceptional individual.
nothing is unattainable in the world.
i create my own destiny, decide on my own fate.
go on the uncharted routes, surviving alone.

the inferior me.

i dare not look into the mirror, it reflects the other me.
weak in the heart, protected by a layer of lies.
there's an uncertainty in everything, and it's towards the negative side.
my use is of nothing, my existence is of void.

just me.

loving her is like playing poker.
to win, play big.
know when to back-up, know when to strike.
look at the others, their behaviours and speech.
that will show a lot, but pretence involved.

i usually feel like losing in poker.
sometimes for the fun of it.
can't control throwing those coins into the pool.
keep hoping the next card will be better.
loving her is like playing poker.
with the worst cards in hand, and having the hope that every next card will be better.

but things seem to take a turn somewhere.
a poker game has to end anyway.
to surrender or continue. that was a choice.
now the fifth card is out, can i still continue on?

i hate my jealousy.
i hate checking my phone for her msg.
i hate thinking abt her and then feeling stupid.
i hate falling asleep with her in my mind, the dreams can be so depressing when i wake up. like it's only a dream, nothing further.
i hate seeing her, and then feeling apart.
i hate missing her, and feeling left out of her life.

i hate loving her, and thinking she will never love back.

i have a lot of fears too.

i fear my own abilities to cope with the current work.
i fear my decision in the course of study will not provide a good future for me.
i fear i can't cope with university, psychology ain't exactly something i'm familiar with.
i fear my boss and the professor being not satisfied with my job. but i really hope they fire me.
i fear telling my boss i wanna quit, now.
i fear history is repeated, when she told me to let go.
i fear another history is repeated, when she asked me why i didn't stay.
i fear leaving her alone, when all she need is a ear.
i fear my feelings might get lost, and will never come back.

i'm just typing random things, while trying to kill time.
a part of myself would really like to kill another part of myself.