it's just a joke. laugh it off. no joke.

sometimes i preferred to be with my army buddies.
jokes, laughter, talking cork, every now and then gathering.
but the person i wanna see, is not there.

most of the times, i preferred the guys.
but the person i saw, doesn't see me.

it's just for enterainment purposes.
to make the crowd go wild with claps and laughter.
spice things up.
it doesn't means anything.

i guess it doesn't, to you.

anyway, i suppose this blog has been viewed by ppl whom i don't know they are viewing it.
and some ppl linked me. cc told me she saw this emo blog. hmm... then i was thinking to myself... really quite emo. it's worse if i don't express it here. the wall might have a dent, maybe even a hole.

i worked on it till late afternoon. i forgot how is it like doing that dumb block a couple of years back. it's dumb becuz the workmanship is really not there, and it doesn't make any sense giving it. couldn't finish.. still gotta get some other materials... it's like... 2/5 done ba. 4 plus, i just lie on the floor of my room, slept. concentrating something from morning till then was a bit too much.. especially after a bad night sleep, which somehow seems like a fever with hots and colds. worse, i dreamt abt her and felt terrible when i woke up.

i enjoyed working hard for something, becuz i know the result is in my control.
but her, i don't even know what i'm working hard for.
i can't even sense the slightest assurance from her.

got reminded of my npcc.
they once asked... "why didn't you stay?"
although i feel that i belonged to this unit, but there's no sense of belonging.
the unit doesn't need me.

does she?

no regrets. that's how i felt that time.
now, there's more than just regrets involved.

i'm getting the same feeling like 2 years ago.
i shouldn't have done that.
but this time, i still have a choice.
the motivation suddenly just capped in the morning and dropped to below freezing point.
i don't feel like finishing it. i feel lazy. i feel the person will probably "oh okay... it's nice, thanks.".
and what i want, hmm.. i don't know what i want. more than that. more than words.

looking at the other side
surprisingly there's no feeling at all
she is still her, i am still me.
i giggled at the randomness of together.
haha.. funny but true.

can't rid of my self-centreness.
over the years i realise more abt this particular trait of mine.
just can't be bothered abt most ppl.

there's a lot of problems with me.
i identify them on the spot, and forget abt them when i moved.

i hugged the birthday girl, and kissed her thrice on the cheeks.
it's just playing ard.
don't take it seriously.
i hope i can.

it's weird to think that the first time we actually have a photo together is on her bday.
most probably the hugging scene, or the other three.
the last time we took it at yishun, was maybe 5-6 years ago at her yis house.
it wasn't published, the film has some errors or something.
i think i took with her mum also.

so tired...

all my crazy stupid ideas..
just come to show, you're not the only one in this world.
you're living in your own circular globe, with its own channels and radio stations.
and that is where i think i'm living in. my own dimension.

it's hard to understand anyone.
even harder sometimes, to understand yourself.
i ponders whether is it the past that hinders me.
or just that, at the moment, it's a confirmed failure.
or rather, it's disappointment after every step forward.

i don't understand her.
much less me.

tml is my final decision by the way. or is it, today.