Wednesday, August 31, 2011

有种朋友,很喜欢.. 但就是不能追..

【男生说:】

有种女生让我很喜欢,
却不忍动情..

跟那种女生在一起时,
会有种温暖的感觉,
那感觉并不出自一时的冲动,
而是来自于彼此心灵的了解..

真的,跟那种女生在一起时,
只有彼此心中的感动和心灵的交会,
没错,
当你发现她的心和你是如此贴近时,
常会想给她个结实的拥抱,
但仅仅在这个想法萌生后的一瞬间..

你们只会相视一笑,
有些东西是比爱情更珍贵的。
这种女生当女朋友是种浪费..

我害怕她做的我女朋友后,
我必须每天守着电话等着她的声音出现,
我害怕我必须说些花言巧语的话哄她,
更加害怕现实的束缚,
会限制住纯洁的心..

这种女生,
喜欢,
但我不会动情,
或者,
这就叫红颜知己 或者 蓝颜..

既不用为情所困,
为她的行为控制自己喜怒哀乐,
又能享有心灵上的交流。
有很多人都为交不到女朋友所苦,
但我觉得,
假如没有了这种知己,
人生,
便多了许多遗憾..


【女生说:】

有一些男生,
很令我动心,但却不会动情..

怎么说呢,
因为他们给我的感觉像朋友,真正的朋友 。
我可以和他们很坦诚的谈论彼此的爱情、婚姻、人生..
以及种种的烦恼..

在他们面前,
我会忘记自己是女生,
就不会撒娇、嫉妒、小心眼..

我和他们各站在天平的两端,
我们可以一同看电影、郊游回来,
在车站挥挥手,各自去等自己的车,走自己的路。
这种感觉..

是一种很难用语言能形容的愉悦..
信不信 ,
跟这些男生相处在一起,
甚至比跟同类的女生相处来的愉快。
女生的聚会,是黏稠稠的,
像一锅浓粥,温暖在胸,
但是吃多了会撑,一眨眼又饿,
而且很多女生都为情所困,
谈来谈去总是心有千千结,
别人管也管不完..

跟这些男生相处,
我很惊讶..
他们不必从文字、故事的迷林披荆斩棘,
就能一眼洞穿人生的奥秘,
甚至开始为旁边的同行者掌灯,
能结交有智慧、理想与热情的朋友,
是人一生莫大的幸福吧..

我是这样着迷于他们高贵的气质,
也感谢他们把我当「朋友」看待,
不因为我是女生,
就随便说些甜言蜜语来哄我,
或者根本不睬我..

如果
追求人生的伴侣也必须如此相知相惜,
那我实在「舍不得」把这些男生当成男朋友..
我害怕一旦变成男女朋友,
我就会计较他不送我回家..
他不说些好听的动心话..
他宁可送我「尼采与上帝」也不送一粒巧克力..
我还担心从此他只要我乖乖的陪在一旁,
微笑地看他在众人间侃侃而谈,
我发问的机会都没有..


【男女之间,其实不只有爱情.. 】

有种友情,是只可会意不可言传的。
彼此之间有种惺惺相惜的感觉,
不必害怕别人的误会,
因为彼此心中坦荡,
很喜欢这种“兄弟” 或 “姐妹”之称的友谊..

这种朋友有种信赖的安全感,
可以肆无忌惮的说笑,
天马行空的胡扯,
彼此之间没有包袱,
但有种珍惜,
是对友谊的珍惜..

你也许会对他(她) 撒娇,
但不会妒忌他(她) 对别人也如此,
不用再他面前装做淑女..(或不用在她面前装做绅士),
有种朋友即使很久没见也不会生疏,
相见时的相视一笑,
便会有种心有灵犀的感觉,
和他(她) 在一起时,
不必担心会背叛你,
因为他只会给你默默地支持..

即使你受伤了,
他也会给你做坚强的后盾。
心情不好时,
他(她) 会装傻逗你笑..

生病时,
他(她) 会叮嘱你要小心什么的..

每逢特别节日时,
他(她) 会发一条简信祝福你,
很多人都希望有这种友谊,
因为它不需要负担与责任,
我想这种友谊也要讲机缘吧,
友谊也需要关心、谅解、信任。

Thursday, August 25, 2011

someone's first choice

was watching this popular hongkong drama about family ties, named 家好月圆。 it's about a father who divorced his wife and married another woman, but discovered his mistake. it's a rather big family, with a combined number of 7 children, 5 from the first wife, 1 adopted, 1 from the second wife with her previous husband. there're quite a few couples inside the drama, but the story of one particular couple strikes me the most.

it was the guy who was nicknamed steward boy, son of the man, and the daughter of the second wife with her previous husband, Yu Su qiu. i like her name, cuz got 秋. haha..su

anyway, the love story between them began when they were young. it was a mutual feeling since then. but somehow, they didn't get together. eventually she became a doctor, but he remained just a cake baker in her mother's shop. not sure why, becuz i didn't really watch in the beginning, but both of them didn't get together. soon after, a male doctor came into the picture and she got together with him. though steward boy was sad, but he didn't avoid her, while keeping his feelings deep inside. the two doctors subsequently broke up due to some issues; he left to find his ex without explanation. suqiu was left heartbroken and steward boy comforted her along the way. both of them eventually got together, but suddenly broke up again when the male doctor came back.

alright, that was a long descriptive background. but the whole story kinda brings the question in love. if you're not someone's first choice, are you still willing to be with the person? on the pretext that he/she would leave you at the first instance that his/her first choice return? or on a milder case, he/she got together with you, because his/her first choice is unavailable; married, dead, or just disappeared. the question is, will you accept such a situation? to live with the knowledge that you're somehow 'second class' in her world of love. their first choice is not you, but your first choice is them. could you live with that?

then the next question that came into my mind was this, is there really a first/second/third choice in love? people, or as i envisioned it, says that love is a combination of destiny/opportunity, and the courage to pursue it, take action. there and then, when they say i love you, and i say i love you, we are each other's first choice. or maybe, in love, there shouldn't even be talks about choices. or rather, it's not you are my first choice, it should be i choose you, and you choose me.

but well, the drama ended, and the couple had a happy ending because the getting back together with the male doctor was a scheme to trick her mum. in the end, she still love and marry steward boy.

back to work then. earning $0.35 per entry. sighz.

Oh ya, was dreaming that I was a detective.
Probably influenced by the forensic lecture. Haha..

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

dreaming lately

been having dreams lately.
it wasn't those dreams that occur when i wake up, then go back to sleep again.
those dreams are usually kinda bad, cuz probably my brain is forcing my body to wake up.
the recent dreams were different.
they were part of the normal routine of sleeping.
and it's only recently that i started to dream, or perhaps remember my dreams when i wake up.

here's a funny, weird dream that i just had today.
it kinda involved me and a particular female friend whom i fancied before. don't rmb the beginning much, but i supposed we were having a good time together. it felt like we were in a relationship. anyway, after that, the scene somehow switched to me and my ex. we decided to catch a movie, and strangely enough, we were in a place which was freezing cold. she was wearing those sweater with a hood. i went to the toilet, but when i came back, she was missing. so i ran all over the place to look for her. in the end, i found that she was dead at the same old freezing place. the thought of murder came into my mind, but there was no blood. but her, frozen, with her eyes open. then soon after, i woke up.

well the story probably ain't as accurate as what i just said, but i tried to formed some sort of links from the fragments of dream which i can barely remember.

it's strange becuz it isn't often that i dream of my ex. and even more weird to dream that she died; perhaps murdered. i was trying to recall whether did i run around again to find the murderer, or just stared at her frozen face till i woke up. sigmund freud would have come up with some great repression of desires that i have, or still have. but i would just brush it off with modern psychology beliefs that dreams are just random neuronal firings. that is, until i dream of her, again.

anyway, i managed to get a part-time assignment doing data entry. tough work, just started today. it isn't just simply entering data. there's a lot of skipping of questions, so entering the data ain't as easy as i thought it would. and damn slow too. 20 entries in an hour. sighz. money hard to earn.

cut my hair short again. feels good~

Monday, August 22, 2011

Fyp

Fyp, something that undergrads are pretty familiar with. Final year project, something needed to be done at the end of the honors year in order to graduate with a smile on their face and tell themselves, as the comm studies valedictorian would say, we fcuking did it~

But for the singles in the final year, it has a double meaning to it. Find your partner. Yup. It's the final year already, if you're single still, it'll be harder to find love in the working society than in school. Doesnt really sound right, but I thought it was kinda true. School actually provides a better love breeding ground than the typical office setting. Just becuz it's school. Haha..

And as for me, I'm single. I'm in final year. Perhaps I should be doing fyp. Now here's the thing I hate the most. For almost any decent girls that i see on the streets or get to know, I just automatically think of how it would be like for her to be together with me. Would it be nice? Would it be sweet? Would it last? Don't like to admit this, but this automatic thought processing has been going on for more than a while. And I can't stop it. Doesn't sound really normal, but that's just how things are for me, and probably some other guys too. I doubt I'm the only guy having this 'problem'.

It bugs me. Not becuz I think it's not right, but becuz then I would doubt my true intentions. Is there no friends making anymore without the pretext of a potential get together? If i don't think she's right for me from the start, would we even be friends? Seriously, doubt so.

Well, that's life for now. Fyp.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

feel like playing mmorpg again

but my laptop specs is too low for most games nowadays for them to run smoothly.
sighz.
well, at least it deters me from playing games and studying, or procrastinating by watching videos and other things.

time to save some money to buy a new desktop so i can play games!
and i wonder if i would be able to play games when i enter the working world.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

feeling the sickness

as much as i want to deny the slow fact that i'm falling ill, perhaps from walking under the drizzle yesterday, my condition is failing at the moment even though i'm popping my old pills from previous visits to the doc.

it's weird.
usually when i fall sick, the symptoms come much faster than this slowpoke fashion of torment.
i feel old, so much so that even falling sick is turning slower.
have i gained the ability to slow time? and even biological processes?

it's the 2nd week of school.
fyp not settled, tml meeting prof.
no idea what to do, no idea what to say.
i'm as screwed up as any ignorant idiot.

i know i can't go on this way.
for life, ain't meant to be like wandering souls on the streets.
yet for me, the clueless path ahead kept me from moving forward.
i'm stuck. i'm trapped in this spiral of non-life that seemed to surrounds those who doesn't strive.

hope tml i can still wake up and go to sch.
cuz i think this illness is here to stay.
and i still hate the fact that everytime i'm ill,
i wish i could feel the comfort of another.
even more, i'm reminded of the time i refused to tell her about it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Still thinking

It's beginning to suffocate me.
The thoughts, the memories, the emotions, once again.
They did fade along the years, but return anyway.
I don't want to ask myself why, becuz the answer might just make it worse.
hide it deep inside, and hide it well.
For even now, the image of you eats me alive in the dark
Your sweetness that kills, your smile that mesmerizes
It's a secret, but I want everything back.

Perhaps among the many reasons and excuses not to hide my sorrows,
Is i can't find a good reason to put it all behind
Is a shoutout to others i still miss you
Is the fact that I'm still thinking, abt you.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

batam trip

it's a short 2D1N getaway to batam for this weekend.
bumped into my cousin at the ferry terminal. coincidentally, we both got the same deal. haha..

was a pretty relaxing trip.
started off with a ferry ride, then a short bus ride to the resort.
after checking in, we took the resort shuttle into town.
it kinda started to rain heavily along the way.
i was sitting at the back of the bus, and suddenly saw drops of water falling from the top. couldn't blame anything else but bad luck for that.
shopped for a while, then massage. it was a long, but felt short, 2 hours massage.
first time, and it didn't really feel that great after the massage.
dinner at some seafood place, not bad.
went back resorts, drank some, played some, and only slept some. haha..
breakfast, wandering around, then we were back.
short trip.

somehow got to know that she's probably single now, given that she broke up a month or two ago. and even as i constantly remind myself that it is not possible, it's still in my mind since. but, thou shall not fear. as she would probably get someone soon, and my concern of this matter will rest once more.

i'm not afraid to do it again.
but she's not her-ed.
and i'm not me-ed.
but if we're different now, would the end be different then?
i listen to the sounds of destiny and try to make sense of opportunities.
but to filter the noise from the sounds, i have lots to learn.

tired. and thinking. and hating to know i have a chance, but no guts to try.

Friday, August 12, 2011

ideal vs reality

after my FP lect, we 4 guys went for dinner and had quite a chat at the canteen, mostly about girls. one of them commented that he's not sure whether he wanna marry his gf or not. he loves her, but he knows she's not the ideal girl that he wants. that's why he's having second thoughts. or is it, first thoughts?

i always have the idea that reality will always lose out to ideal, for ideal, is the same as perfection. practise makes perfect, but nothing is perfect. in reality, you can only go that near to perfection. and who is to say, that one's measure of perfection would change as time goes by? maybe now, having a good figure is a plus plus. maybe later on, knowing how to cook is a plus plus more than just cup size.

reminded me of a story that i read somewhere on net before.
it's about a boy, who was told to walk through the garden, and pick up the most beautiful flower. sounds easy? now here's the deal, the little boy can only pick up one flower, and he can only walk thru the garden once. so if he chose this particular one and pick it up along the way, he can no longer choose anymore.

as the boy walked thru the garden, he saw a pretty one that stood out among the rest. but he thought to himself, maybe there's one that is prettier down the road. so he continued on. true enough, a prettier one came along. but, the same thought came to mind again. he continued his one-way journey. this goes on and on, until he came to the end of the garden, but surprisingly, with a flower in his hand.

this is an analogy to what happen in our life. time only flow in one direction; we can only grow older. as we live thru our lives, there would be people coming in and out. some will catch our eyes, most will not. and for those who did capture our attention, how do we know who is the best partner for us? will there be someone better in future, who will cross our path, fall in love with us, and then live happily together? no one knows for sure.

of cuz this is just simplifying the whole situation of finding your partner. there are certainly other factors that play a part in the big picture. the commitment towards one another, the amount of time together, family influence, etc.

but the main message i'm trying to get at, at least for myself, is that love is part destined, part 'decisioned'. i meet a girl, i fall in love with her - destiny. but to finally settle down, propose to her, get married, try not to look at other girls, start a family, have kids with her - 'decisioned'.

maybe becuz i haven't met a girl that makes me go so crazy that i don't even have to decide on anything. perhaps then it's all natural, all pre-destined. well, i'm just waiting patiently, like today at the stupid clinic which mentioned 45 min waiting time and i waited for more than 1.5 hrs.

friday's here. no lessons, and looking forward to batam.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Waiting patiently

Today's a rather good day.
I'm in school clinic, Fullerton health care, waiting for my medical checkup. It's a must for those taking sports modules. Initially I thought the consultation would be free, or at least cheap, it turns out to be $26.75. -_-. quite expensive eh? But after that I reasoned to myself that this is not just a regular consultation, but an examination of my current fitness status, with a physical cert in the end to testify that. Maybe I should do another sports module next sem. Haha.. since the cert is valid for 1 year.

Anyway, before now, I managed to make an arrangement with a stranger in school to do a swap of modules. He wanted my maths, I wanted his forensics. Kinda exciting when we both dropped and then added back the module. Lucky nobody intercepted our trade. Finally, FORENSICS! and that's why today's a good day.

Except for the fact that I'm stuck at the medical centre, waiting. And I got a late lecture later till 8.30pm. It's more of the hungry part that I'm upset abt than the late timings.

This weekend would be spent at batam, or is it somewhere else? Haha.. Don't know, don't care. Just know that I'm going for a short getaway this weekend and enjoy myself at the beach with the breeze~~

Well, I can sense my number approaching.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

morning excitement

didn't feel as shitty as last night.
woke up with a better mood.

the excitement came when the module i was waiting for suddenly have slots for 10 more ppl. "YES!",i thought i would have a chance. the add/drop period starts at 1000hrs. i did preparations; calibration of time...

At 1000hrs sharp, i clicked.
then the disappointment came.
damn it, i'm a final year student.
give me the module.

so as i began camping on the second day, i started to find music to add on to my current playlist. here's an old song which i really like, but wasn't very popular.

Restless

I don't know what got over me today. Somehow, I don't feel okay. Maybe im getting sick, I'm not sure. But something has been bothering me the whole day, yet I can't figure out what is it that's causing me to feel irritated, annoyed, uncomfortable, restless.

Could it be the anxiety from being in my final year? Perhaps subconsciously I buried my anxiety and fear deep but now my body has troubles containing it? Is it becuz today was spent unproductively at home doing nothing? Was I expecting something to happen? Am I getting too annoyed by the knowledge that my friends are going to start missing me out becuz I'm not on good terms with a friend of theirs? Or is it that I'm currently hungry yet there is no food? Or is it the stupid weather?

Damn it.
If only I knew what's wrong with me today.
Perhaps I'm really falling sick.

An old friend went into the real estate industry after graduating with an engineering degree. Got me thinking, why? Becuz of money? What makes one deviates from one's academic interests? What's keeping you on, or off tracks? Am I still considering pilot, or am I set on going for it? Life's crossroads, interesting to see others' hate it when it comes to me.

Lying in bed trying to catch some sleep before waking up tml for.. Hmm.. Nothing much.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Suddenly, fear.

Was on my way to town for a dinner and movie with some of my psych friends when a man standing in the middle of the open area near the station handed me a copy of what I thought was a regular free newspaper. However, the first sight of the cover gave this belief away. It was not news, just holidays package advertisements. And there's my interest, going on holidays, being in a whole new place and exploring, seeing new things.. And so began my reading on the train as I travelled down to town.

The places they introduced were more than nice. the beaches, the amazing sightseeing, the cool weather... As I imagined how it would be like if I'm traveling to these places, a sudden wave of fear came over and swept me off my daydreaming. Why? One may ask. It's the future.

As I wonder what my future will be, I know it's probably the case of me being trapped in the norms, or perhaps the necessity of life. Which is work, work, and work. With a working life in place, can i go away as easily as I can now? Would I be trapped? Would I be strangled? Chained, shackled, locked? It's a bit frightening to think that my life would be restricted as such. Freedom lost, choices limited, forced. I can't take a break whenever I want. I can't go on a long holiday if I so desired. I can't travel for a year or so, come back, and still have my old job.

Maybe both my current s3 and supervisor were right about me being the anti-organizational type. It's just I haven't realize it myself. No wonder autonomy is part of what employees want on their job. Without it, it's like someone holding my arms and legs and then yelling into my ear, WORK WORK WORK.

It's been rather hard typing all this on a phone. And since I'm reaching my stop soon too, shall stop my random thoughts typing. Besides, i don't feel as afraid as just now. The pretty girl that is sitting opp me is quite a comforting distraction. Hahaha..

Thursday, August 4, 2011

holidays

yet it feels so normal.
like i've been living like this for quite some time.
but it has only been a couple of days.

did almost nothing today.
shifted my heavy, double-mattress queen size bed around the room to find my dart that was lost underneath it before my exams, which means nearly 3 months ago. haha...
arranged the things on my little drawer. felt like doing my desk but it's too much work, and i was hungry for dinner.
finished up my reports and emailed my supervisor for review; just replied.

well, basically life has been pretty boring and monotone for the past few days. except maybe yesterday. went to school to pass douglas sylvia's intern report. had dinner at jp with karen. if i'm not wrong, it's the first we have ever been alone. anyway, nice dinner, and then nice desserts; ice-cream at anderson's. let's see if i still rmb the flavours... macademia something... rum something... and belgium chocolate. only liked the belgium chocolate. only like chocolate. haha..

school is beginning again.
i would thus bring myself, or hype myself in preparation for the incoming stress of dealing with my final year project. especially when at now, the school haven't allocate the professor to me yet, so i know nothing of what i'm gonna do for the next 1 year or so.

then i would also have to pressure myself into reading books about flying. the decision to become a pilot draws nearer and nearer.. is it something that i really want? or cuz i would love to travel, and also earn good money.. but i'm not sure flying is my primary interest, and if not, would it really affect?

there are many things that isn't my primary interest, but still i excel in them, provided i don't hate the subject, but grow to like it more after studying them. it so begins the random thoughts in my mind...

i once saw an article about an asian mum who mentioned that in order to gain interest in a subject, the kid must be able to excel in it first. the example, real-life, was her own daughter learning the piano. she wasn't really into piano at first. like most, piano isn't the most natural thing to play when you first touch the keys. and as most asian parents do (here i should say, it's stereotyped) in the western countries, they push their kids towards excellence. by being strict, fierce, inflicting pain as necessary, they get their kids to 'learn'. the result of her daughter turned out be rather positive, as she starts to enjoy piano after she got better and better.

it's actually something similar to nature or nurture concept.
allow in-depth learning when interests was expressed, or forced it upon and eventually they will grow to like it.
i actually agree with both.
of cuz the most ideal case is having the interests present first, more of the instrinsically motivation.
but i can't deny that forcing it on the child, making him/her gain proficiency first regardless of interests, would perhaps cause the child to start liking it in future when he/she is performing. a higher proficiency allows a person to get into the 'flow' better, which in turn drives the next cycle of doing it.
so which is true? or which is more true?
which happens more often?
or which should happen more often?
does it matter if they're asians or not?

many questions, but very little answers.