inheritance

today, is 1 lunar year since she has gone.
and so, the 4 siblings gathered at my house once again to give their prayers and offerings to their dear mother, my dear ah ma.
whenever i recalled the night when all of us called to the hospital, my eyes just teared up. i have to admit, that for this matter, i would probably never able to be strong. i could see the fear in their eyes, the terrible wait of result as the doctor tried to resuscitate her heartbeat. when the doc came out, and he asked for the family members... my heart sank. it was somewhat like the tv series that you normally see, but the emotions were a lot more extreme. i couldn't forget the sight of my dad crying. and i found myself unable to control my tears. but it wasn't the same as when i was still a crybaby; those times, you want to cry. that night, i didn't even have time to think, before my eyes went red. just like now, as i'm typing.

forever tears.
something i devote to my dear ah ma.

anyway, it came the time to separate the coins that she left behind for her 8 grandchildren. it's kinda coincidental how things work out in the family tree. 4 siblings; 2 males and 2 females, have 8 children in total; 4 males and 4 females. i thought it was kinda nice. she left quite a bit of coins for us to count. but something surprised me more.
there was this sum of money that was suppose to be split among the siblings, but while i was doing the calculation for dad, he told me to divide by 5. hence the qns, why. he told me, as the only grandson with the family name, i'm considered in splitting of the inheritance. i didn't say anything about it after that. the sum came to be quite a significant amount which is really a blessing (from her) at this moment when my finance is going low. but, i don't really feel like taking it. 1st of all, in terms of filial piety, i have probably failed as a grand son. loving her in the heart doesn't count when you don't express it explicitly.

but the most impt reason that i was reluctant to take it, or even the share among the 8 grandchildren, was that taking even a minute part of her inheritance, is equivalent to accepting that fact that she's gone, forever. and even after 1 year, i still can't really let go, or even forgive myself.

i always will remember that incident when we caught a dragonfly together.

should stop writing. it's hard typing while wiping after my tears, and trying to study for my health psych test tml.

读书聪明 - she used to wish me that.