weekend boredom

i finished reading thru 25 volumes of GTO within 2 days.
nice.

don't feel so good from all the sitting and stayin up late...
maybe i'll start getting up early.

it's friday

i got selected! for the ACCOP.
yes i'll be doing saikang. i don't mind.

my right hand came back during yesterday darts session.
won all my games. a really good feeling.
at least i have some confirmation that those past trainings that i've done hasn't gone down the drain.

feeling good.

back off stranger

it seemed that i have an instinctive trait to kill off anyone who tries to get too close to me. only with some ppl. especially with some ppl.

this is bad, i spent the whole day gaming and watching friends.

i'm losing my grip on life...
i want those feelings back.
i've said these words for so long, i forgot what they stand for already.

apunehneh

some stuffs that an indian girl wrote on the word apunehneh and it not being a word but some gibberish stuffs.

but the thing that catches my eye the most is this picture.

it feels...

not too bad.
seeing her again.
it somehow makes me want to make my life better.

schemas

this is, as far as i know, the 2nd time i don't recognise her.
my schema doesn't fit what i see.
that's why, her image is not activated by the millions of neurons.
somehow, it feels a bit funny to think that i might just pass by her on the streets without knowing.

first thought of the day

images always enter my mind when i snooze my alarm. it's a signal to wake myself up.
today's was rather special.
i thought of images of baby smiling happily.
then i wonder, when did we actually stop smiling?
when did we start living our life with those stressful faces?

it's rather sad when i start thinking of this.
the last time i smile like that was probably 3 years ago.
it probably happen a lot when you're in love.

positive psych.

accop interview

hmm.. not very confident i will get selected for the conference. don't have also nvm lah.

always having the feeling that i'm just not living my life.
what is it that i'm lacking, missing, wanting?

众里寻他千百度，暮然回首；那人却在灯火阑珊处
~nice phrase.

this sem's problems

i've got a 2 essays to write for positive, 1 evaluation report to write for engin, 1 project for bio and critque paper for human motivation.

i better get used to writing, and reading.
i wonder if engineering is the same.
why can't i just be a sports genius and play sports for career. oh well...

feeling not so up

getting a little feverish. had to down litres of H2O to get myself from getting too hot. it's like the illness came late from work, or even from the previous sem's exam. i was surprised i didn't get sick back then after just few hours of sleep and hardcore studying while i'm awake. feeling just slightly better now.

recieved my last paycheck of the holidays, so i made 1.5k this dec holidays. not too bad. i'm wondering when the bank acc can actually reach the 20k mark to pay off my debt after graduation. it seemed rather impossible, especially when my monthly expense exceed my monthly payroll from tuition during sch time. i kinda missed the days when finance was the least of my worries.

i think i might start one of my personal project soon. i don't think it would be as easy as the last time. this time, i'm putting some thoughts into it. might cost quite a bit though, and take more time. i'm not even sure the design works. haha.. it'll be interesting to see how it will be done.

a new sem started. with the hp300series modules which seemed like they're on a different level than the 200series. article critique? doing research and writing an evaluation paper on a gadget? i still wonder sometimes why i took psych. haha..

believe

believing in someone is hard.
believing in someone you love - it can be very hard, or can be easily done.

your aspiration

from young we have our own aspiration.
i believed mine still stand.
i aspire to retire.

some friends mentioned their future paths.
working at this company, moving up the ladder, then perhaps move on to another company, rising up to the management level at other fields which are promised high salary, high prospects.
others mentioned about maybe finding someone with fame, status, and well, loaded with money. talking about migrating to other countries, relax and live life.

ambitious? i am perhaps not in this field of view. i always favour interest, not how big is the paycheck. i do want to do something big, but not in the line of that. earning big bucks, living in condo, driving a million-dollar car... it's fine to have, but not a must, nor an aim.

i've always wonder how humans evolve to live the life we live now. widening the gap btw what's poor and what's rich; driving in things that kill people; inventing stuffs that are capable of destroying sg in split second.. so much things we have came up with that became double-edged.

and what's living life?
what is it to self-actualize? although maslow and roger believed self-actualizers have a number of attributes, i believed we can cut down that number to just a few. subjective perhaps.
to live life, is it to just live a laid-back lifestyle, doing what you like everyday?
something seemed to be amiss there.

random

lots of thoughts for today, or tonight.
perhaps it's the 1st day of another round of assignments and exams extending up to 14 weeks.
well, i bet the most impt one is this.

be happy.
even thinking abt the saddest moment, the most regretful thing, the heavily desired reciprocation.
be happy.

oh ya, and i'm developing a very unpleasant feeling towards materialism recently, actually to the verge of despise.

past

well i guess whatever that i liked about you, admired, remained in the distant past that only rarely do we ever spoke of. it really was a shame.

doing the repressed

if i can't forget,
then let me chase after you.

cautious

i'm being careful not to get myself into the same well again.
your presence should not have been present.
so i say again,
don't come anywhere near me.

it's hard

trying the old personal keyboard my aunt gave to us long ago on the way back into love. it's hard trying to follow the keys on the youtube video. and i can't play with both my hands. it's hard concentrating on one already. haha.. but it's interesting. maybe i'll learn some piano.

a beautiful mind

nothing to do during dinner time, so i decided to watch a movie in my D:.
the first time i watched this, i was completely taken away by the plot, the protrayal of struggle with schizo, the strong love that exists (even if it's fictional).. i was even more amazed as a teen when i discovered the movie was based on a true story, although the movie didn't tell the whole story of john nash.

this is probably my 3rd or 4th time, didn't keep track.
but it's always worth the time, to watch it again and again...
like a love that never age.

You are the reason I am.
You are all my reasons.

Dartz Place

the darts team went down to a pub in chinatown yesterday for a gathering after the competition. suppose to send kl off for his exchange i think. actually wanted to drink something light, but ended up with a glass of johnnie walker on the rocks, and not really knowing which label is it. i sort of wanted to try getting alochol-induced and see whether it helps with dartitis. results, not really.

cx came for the gathering, the graduated mentor of ours. still as zai as before. which really puts me down quite a bit, and i have landed myself in such a stupid condition becuz of the route to perfection of the throws i made myself commit. there's really no point for me to envy the people around me that they are playing just as fine while i'm playing like shitz using my left hand or even left footing. i know this battle is against myself. i refuse to let myself lose. this war is on as long as i said it is.

some of the members commented that the team probably would have done better with the last year newcomers. perhaps better than a result of 2-5. but i kinda see this as a opportunity for some of the old birds to actually go down to the battlefield and play for the hall. if me, zk and my went down, that would means 2 less spaces for the guys and 1 less space for the girls. it's a give and take, i like to see it that way.

next year, whether or not i still have my commitment to the darts team which i hold so dear before, i'll still prepare myself for it. i will forget how strong i was before and move on to greater heights.

tml's school starting. i have no idea on my class schedule. i'm feeling a bit tired from the whole week of activities, and got a little emotional drain too. some things never do change. and when i wished they do, i hate myself for being able to do just that. i don't even consider how high the possibility is that. i just hate myself, for that.

today's soccer ended with a little dispute.

i'm getting hungry at this hour of the evening.

and here's something i wrote while trying to waste time during the fri traffic count.

have you ever noticed when you look at the sea, that you can never fixated your focuz on a single point? what you are looking at always seemed to be not stagnant, always moving to another point. you are naturally brought into the rhythm of the sea; the waves that never seemed to cease, the flow that never seemed to end.

心字头上加了秋
是在秋天里的愁
还是在想秋天的愁
秋季是否给人的情感增加了些伤感
那温柔的微风
是不是会让自己回想起一些
不常想起的东西
不应想起的东西
不想触碰的回忆

something i thought of when i wrote her name wrongly. autumn is certainly a great time to relives those memories, unwanted or not. it's the wind...

当每刻都是伤感的延续
而想忘的心情依然存在
是应该逃避一切
往那无人岛飞去
还是应荡然接受
含泪，微笑而过

how to bring your mood up

i realised that friends can relieve my gloomy emotions, through late night mahjong.

2nd day

too much free time means walking around almost aimlessly.
it's boring sitting there if it wasn't for the endless questions, just a bit better.

post-traffic count fatigue. with mahjong last night still, i can see dark circles in the mirror.

Day 1

morning rush as usual. this time, i was late for the count.
anyway, day went by with stupid replies..

it felt something has changed.
i have.

today's moment that made me happiest:
my mails were recieved.

hmm...

there are times i can't believe what i'm seeing.
there are girls that are pretty on the outside, and in the inside.
but there are girls that are damn fabulous on the outside, yet trash in their hearts.
still there are girls who are not at all pretty but have a golden heart.

the world is full of all kinds of people.
somehow, i feel like meeting all of them.

i guess i should stop getting envious of how my surrounding friends are living their life, and start living mine.
it might not be full of events, all that interesting and fun, but i wanna live my life, my way. i don't have the slightest idea of what my way is gonna be like at the moment, but i think i'll figure it out someday.

it's the year 2010. i should get my resolutions out after i can take a deep breath from work.

it's hard not to feel disappointed

choosing 6 guys from a team of 5 for tml's inter-hall rec competition for darts. it probably got us all in the competition mood by having us battle against each other. my dartitis came back expectedly, suffer 3 losses. told zk straight to get me out of the team. well, despite having put in so much efforts to actually join the hall in order to play in this year ihrg, i actually voted myself off the team. i don't know how would i perform tml, or tml's tml. it scares me a little. and it's frustrating to play when my hand can't release the darts. if it's not fun playing, i don't want to. somehow i have to overcome this problem, i don't if it's possible, but i have gotta try.

well too bad. feel a bit disheartened.
wanted to talk out my sadness, but don't have anyone available in mind.
so i guess i can only 'pen' it down here.

it feels bad losing to ppl.
it feels even worse when i'm losing to myself.

i havent felt this in a while.

happy new year

new year steamboat.

only thing worth pondering abt is when dap said today is the start of the 10th year that we've known each other. surprisingly nobody really care to calculate, perhaps becuz dap said it with such confidence.

it's 10 years. today is the start of the 11th year.
2000-2010 is a total of 11 years, it's been 10 years since the last class 1H of AISS.
something special.

we have a few rare guests today. one who's back for the holidays from australia. and another who i asked so that she could see the former guest.

tired. happy new year.

hope mum get well soon.