11 days and out

by far the longest in-camp training i had since ord. but also, the one with the least intensity yet. probably cause the focus was more on the other companies than mine.

well, the whole ict was rather fulfilling for me. not so much of the work that was done during this period, but meeting up with friends, new and old. although it is a males-only environment, it's not that bad. haha..

having a weird feeling right now. it seemed that someone that i was close to, and liked before, might be dating again. suddenly this jealousy feeling just boiled up in me. and with all curiosity, i have to ask, why?

the first question to ask myself is naturally, do i still have feelings for her? and the obvious answer to it is... no. and yes. perhaps it's really in the blood of scorpio; jealousy. haha... or maybe i just need to get it off my mind and that's why i'm penning it down here. it's like if i express it in this way, or any other way, the feeling somehow diffuse away. as if the thoughts become less saturated.

would the effect be in a different direction if i'm writing something that i feel happy about? that the more i write about stuffs that i'm happy about, i would feel happier? or would it be the same way as the unpleasant jealousy that was diluted as i wrote?

it's been a long, and also short, 11 days in camp. away from work, away from feelings, away from thinking too much. that every night it's heaven just to lie on bed and fall asleep, although it's a bit unbearing to know i have no one particular to think about, and no one particular to think of me. even if time could reverse till that period when i was not alone, i wouldn't have the confidence to say that she was thinking of me.

it's fascinating to see myself, looking as if i'm still fixated on the past. is this true? or is it my self-ego's refusal to admit i'm still on the same spot? humans are interesting creatures. one of the most distinguishing feature is the stupidity in each and every one of us. sometimes we act stupid, sometimes we're stupid becuz we were negligent, and sometimes, we're just plain stupid. whether is it from the intellectual pov, or becuz our emotions masked us from being not stupid. when strong emotions come, the electrical message that neurons send somehow bypass the stupidity filter area in the brain and reach other areas of the brain and the muscles, causing us to do stupid things. haha... this would be one hell of research qns.

been receiving personal emails from a special friend. i must say, it makes me feel really good. it's a kind of warmth that this friend gives with her words, which comforts me a little on this lonely night of mine. and although we haven't known each other for long, i find more comfort in her than what most friends give.

tml's work again.
somehow, i feel older. more mature.
not that i wasn't before, but it's like i found something to work towards during this ict.

i have decided to fly.

nearly giving up

i'm getting more and more anxious as time passes while i can't figure out the implications of the possible results of my research question.

let's say that our eyes could detect micro expressions, in which the eyes movement could be captured by the eye tracker equipment used by the school, yet, our brain did not process the information... so what does that implies? what implications could it have? that things can happen so fast, that even though our eyes could 'see' them, but the brain doesn't?

damn it~!!!

i shall go pack my stuffs for tml and then come back to the computer again later.

stupid blogspot

wrote a short entry yesterday about getting frustrated over the things i have to do before i go for 2-weeks reservist tml... especially my grad project proposal. damn it.

woke up at 8, but refused to face my computer and write my proposal. so i went back to sleep. had quite a weird dream.

was sitting beside a girl, short hair, can't rmb the face but i rmb she was kinda cute. 2 guy sitting opposite of us, supposingly we were all friends. a resturant-like table setting by the window. she was sitting on my right, nearer to the window drawing haru's face (from the anime rave) on a notebook. she was sad because she couldn't draw it well, and somehow when we look out the window, there are drawings of anime (can't rmb what) on the walls in the opposite building across the streets. a guy was sitting under one of the buildings and drawing, presumably he was the expert who drew those. i rmbed i was working on something, probably my proposal (yes, i always dream about doing actual work in my sleep), but i stopped to console her. so it seemed she was my gf as i held her with my right arm around her waist, saying it's alright. then i release my hold, and start to touch her hair. it wasn't those straight kind, some were braided. not black. maybe a bit of blond. she smiled at me, i smiled back. then i forced myself to wake up knowing that i don't have a gf in reality. -_-. haha..

gotta get my proposal done today.

will be away for 2 weeks. maybe will get some rest inside camp. i haven't had a long break yet since exams ended due to the internship...

it's not that bad to experience some intimate closeness with a stranger. becuz it makes me... i don't know, warmth? something that's essentially different from the feeling that parents give. the love that is given to me, in which i reciprocate with my whole heart. although it was a dream, although it wasn't real... i knew i love her.

anyway, the way to remembering dreams is sleeping after you're quite awake. but after that when you wake up, you will probably get a slight headache for oversleeping.

无法对视的理由

this thought came to me today while the boring work in office was continously complemented by a fun factor with my colleagues...

could the reason of not being able to look at her, is becuz she has someone and i don't?

kinda strange reason. but ya, it makes more sense than the other. haha.

aftermath

somehow, the day doesn't feel right.
is it the tiredness?
or is it those haunting feelings?

does it takes one to forget another?
wouldn't that be wrong?

知己难寻
as far as i can go, the words that are coming out of my mouth are just half-truths.

a lover? or someone who knows and understand you best, and one whom you know and understand best? who will you choose?

it's best to have them as one, but does it happen all that often?
it's a choice that i don't have to make at the moment, but just thinking about it hurts my mind.

i'm torn between passion and ... i can't find a word for the other.

it's like black xmas again

same hotel.
same ballroom.
same clothes that i worn.
perhaps the same dress that she worn.
it's like black xmas all over again.
just that instead of together, we're separate.

everytime i think we're going to lock our eyes together, or when we actually did, i just couldn't help but ignore and look away. it's rude, i know, given that we have known each other for 11 years plus. i just don't know why, and don't know when did i start feeling awakard towards her. well she probably thinks i'm just being an idiot. haha...

anyway, dinner wasn't really nice. but i don't think my table of 5 guys 5 girls really cared much about the food. it was more of the company than anything else. catching up on each other, wc got attached, basically only dap is single, in addition to qr, wy and me. talked all kinds of crap. saw ms ong, mdm samsiah, mr see, lau. it was a great night. the food wasn't worth it, but the gathering is worth than a hundred bucks.

for a while, qr was talking to me that in christianity, it is believed that if you're meant to be together with someone, you will eventually find that someone. and if you're not, god would have given you the strength to be someone who can live alone. not so sure about this, but rather than alone, i am hoping that someone would be there in my life, and that i am in her life.

whenever someone asked that dreaded qns that i refuse to face, i don't know whether to shut up or say, maybe. feelings, not always clear, but always there.

confide

i have troubles even in confiding in my closest friend on my intimate thoughts. and even if i manage to initiate a conversation, i just can't tell them. and so, as i penned it down here, i hope the worries will be shared. and even if this seemed like a monologue to myself most of the times, i feel comforted in knowing 'someone' knows how i feel. even when words of truth fail to pass through my mouth, at least this person knows the emotions that are kept inside.

tml i'm going to my school anniversary dinner after work. it got me pretty excited as these events mean something that is out of the norm; not your everyday routine. until moments ago, i thought about the possibility of seeing her. was it the same place as my commissioning ball? i can't rmb. just that the name of the hotel sounds really familiar. i worry every single time i anticipate seeing her. would i feel weird? would i feel pain? or should it be the other way around? happy, looking forward to it. if the negative emotions surface, what does it means for me? still stuck in the past? still have feelings? still...?

i wouldn't say that past meet-ups have been all natural. is that how things work out for people who have broke up with each other? could it be that when we interact with each other before, we have the thoughts, or intentions, that something might happen to us in future. but now, when we see each other, we know that that something has already happened, and that no future lies between.

not really. or at least for me, it's more than that. more than knowing that we're impossible. it's a reminder of a failure. it's a scar that bleeds when we're in each other vision fields. it irks me to see my regret walking around like she isn't. it's never calm with her presence. and i wonder when will this stop.

it's possible that i'm exaggerating, or magnifying my emotions. and that all these are just made-up fictions in my mind. sometimes i wonder if i'm just making myself emotional, just to make my life a bit more interesting. and if this is so, i don't mind suffering a little pain. and if i do see her tml, my heart might skip a beat, but my eyes would probably be looking at some other pretty girls. haha..

2 weeks before ICT and i still haven't settle anything yet. not my topic of choice; i didn't say interest, not my supervisor... i'm procrastinating as usual. maybe like what one of my interns friends say, i should just sign up for SIA pilot and leave my psych degree behind.

talking about that reminds me of friday. went to singapore discovery centre for some family day organized by the manpower division of mindef. walked around the discovery centre, strolled through the interesting army museum... talked about lots of SAF stuffs, a good lunch, and then x-men: first class. all was good, lots of fun and laughter along the way. although i think hl is laughing a bit too much and sometimes get a bit physical while she's laughing. felt a bit uncomfortable with that, but maybe that's just how she is. so, oh well.

as the event ended, i went home alone at the Jurong interchange. it just felt kinda sad, alone. it seemed that they all have some programs planned out for their evenings, but i'm just hoping for something to happen. friends, girlfriends, boyfriends... although at the moment i don't have someone special, and that i don't foresee having someone special in the near future, but i always told myself i'm fortunate to have this bunch of guys to hang out with.

they, who knows my history, so i won't bother hiding.
they, who knows me well, so i won't bother lying.
they, whom i know well, so i won't hold back my thoughts.
becuz of them, i am me.
and for this, i'm grateful for.

and that night, even if it's just plain cluedo with nothing good on miotv.