confide

i have troubles even in confiding in my closest friend on my intimate thoughts. and even if i manage to initiate a conversation, i just can't tell them. and so, as i penned it down here, i hope the worries will be shared. and even if this seemed like a monologue to myself most of the times, i feel comforted in knowing 'someone' knows how i feel. even when words of truth fail to pass through my mouth, at least this person knows the emotions that are kept inside.

tml i'm going to my school anniversary dinner after work. it got me pretty excited as these events mean something that is out of the norm; not your everyday routine. until moments ago, i thought about the possibility of seeing her. was it the same place as my commissioning ball? i can't rmb. just that the name of the hotel sounds really familiar. i worry every single time i anticipate seeing her. would i feel weird? would i feel pain? or should it be the other way around? happy, looking forward to it. if the negative emotions surface, what does it means for me? still stuck in the past? still have feelings? still...?

i wouldn't say that past meet-ups have been all natural. is that how things work out for people who have broke up with each other? could it be that when we interact with each other before, we have the thoughts, or intentions, that something might happen to us in future. but now, when we see each other, we know that that something has already happened, and that no future lies between.

not really. or at least for me, it's more than that. more than knowing that we're impossible. it's a reminder of a failure. it's a scar that bleeds when we're in each other vision fields. it irks me to see my regret walking around like she isn't. it's never calm with her presence. and i wonder when will this stop.

it's possible that i'm exaggerating, or magnifying my emotions. and that all these are just made-up fictions in my mind. sometimes i wonder if i'm just making myself emotional, just to make my life a bit more interesting. and if this is so, i don't mind suffering a little pain. and if i do see her tml, my heart might skip a beat, but my eyes would probably be looking at some other pretty girls. haha..

2 weeks before ICT and i still haven't settle anything yet. not my topic of choice; i didn't say interest, not my supervisor... i'm procrastinating as usual. maybe like what one of my interns friends say, i should just sign up for SIA pilot and leave my psych degree behind.

talking about that reminds me of friday. went to singapore discovery centre for some family day organized by the manpower division of mindef. walked around the discovery centre, strolled through the interesting army museum... talked about lots of SAF stuffs, a good lunch, and then x-men: first class. all was good, lots of fun and laughter along the way. although i think hl is laughing a bit too much and sometimes get a bit physical while she's laughing. felt a bit uncomfortable with that, but maybe that's just how she is. so, oh well.

as the event ended, i went home alone at the Jurong interchange. it just felt kinda sad, alone. it seemed that they all have some programs planned out for their evenings, but i'm just hoping for something to happen. friends, girlfriends, boyfriends... although at the moment i don't have someone special, and that i don't foresee having someone special in the near future, but i always told myself i'm fortunate to have this bunch of guys to hang out with.

they, who knows my history, so i won't bother hiding.
they, who knows me well, so i won't bother lying.
they, whom i know well, so i won't hold back my thoughts.
becuz of them, i am me.
and for this, i'm grateful for.

and that night, even if it's just plain cluedo with nothing good on miotv.