crush

what does it meant to have a crush on somebody?
have you ever wondered does everyone goes thru the crush phase before moving on to the next stage?
and what exactly is the definition of a crush?
for those who may have forgotten the emotions of having a crush on somebody...
why did you ever give up?

first saw you in a crowd of strangers
didn't really see you, i just saw you

hardly spoke a word or two
there was no reason, there was no excuse

our eyes did not greet until destiny binds
a reason to hi, an excuse to use

the innate similiarity drew me closer by an inch
but still i didn't see you, i just saw you

moments passed, closesness drew
our speech aligned, our thoughts attached

without warning nor sign, your actions and mine,
i suddenly see you, not just saw you

questions unanswered, answers unquestioned,
a guessing game starts, double-blinded play

all i have is but one answer unquestioned
i do see you

and all i want to ask is one question unanswered
do you see me

what are friends for

i questioned myself since the day i've noticed that friendships don't just exist in one level, but in different dimensions and proximity, time, and space.

everyone knows, some friends stayed. some friends go.
some will leave their prints behind, while others you won't rmb a thing abt them.

ah.. i'm too tired to type out my thoughts. been walking for hours in kaki bukit area for road surveys. those bloody traffic lights.

just doesn't make sense to keep telling your treasured information (e.g. birthday) to ppl you deemed friends. it's either they're forgetful, or they dont give a damn, until the damn is on them.

~i'm lucky i'm in love with my best friend~
i thought i was. turned out, nahz. just a shithole statement for those lovey dovey.

btw, i'm tired of asking ppl out for angel & demon. and for the record, any movies i want to watch. i have ppl telling me, "my friend asks, then i acc loh". "i'm picky with movies mates". in other words, not cut out to be a movie companion.

you! i blame you for causing me to feel a need to have someone beside me during movies. i'm going back to watching movies by myself.

ICT meeting

back to SG Camp. lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces in the room.
it's great seeing the guys again, spending the day with them having fun and laughing.

Senior Camp

fri and sat was spent in ntu going thru senior camp.
fri morn, i was regretting going for the first hour.
as we gathered, i realised i didn't really know many ppl.
and those whom i knew and were present at the camp, were ppl i'm not very close to.
the rest of the ppl seemed connected somehow.
it is as if everyone knows everyone, except for me.
don't really like the feeling, it's like intruding into a family.

however, when the camp started its activity, i felt like i was being introduced to this family. the icebreaker game was a good start, and also a good thing i have 2 familiar faces inside my group. rest of the camp till sat evening was rather okay. the feeling was okay, just that i know it won't be that easy to be as close as if i was there last year with them.

just took a nap after soccer and went thru my thoughts about her. there are things that i can't provide, can't give, and don't possess. and some of those things, she desire. there is another one closer to her who is at a better position to give, to comfort, and to console. a sudden appearance has its surprise factor. take it and hype your life, for at this time, i'm going slow. i don't thrive in fast relationship building, becuz i built it on trust and intimacy. over time and over space, i can't see you nor myself, having anything more than hey.

but i believe life's a gamble. some times, or most of it, is messed up. i took a gamble in a ballot, and if it's a win, i'll gamble your choice. a double win takes it all, a single loss means it's over.

that girl

don't come into my life.
i don't want to get my hopes high.
friends are okay, going out is fine.
just don't come around, and then say goodbye.
i dislike fast-food friends. you're fast, while i'm slow.
you were gone so fast the other day, i could only keep you in thoughts.
you're pretty, you're smart.
so don't come into my life, and mess my mind.

i don't desire your coldness once again, but i still yearn for your presence.
i didn't fight to have you leave something behind when you were in my world.
you didn't leave me a choice, what was i suppose to do?
you put me in a position that i lost even the slightest will.
yes i missed the times i was all choked up inside with my overwhelming feelings of you.
yes i still get smitten when i see your smile.
yes and yes and yes.
but no, i never want to go back to those grieving days.
no one can promise that they will never break a promise, not me, and definitely not you.
but assure me with your smile, and i can't say never is never anymore.

unexpected events

a few of unexpected events occurred recently.
first my p5 kid scored 90 over for her maths. wow.
then my p6 kid scored less than 80 for his maths. haiz.

she chat up with me. how many blue moons have it been? and i can't rmb exactly when did i last saw her.... oh, just rmb. at a party.

i got B+ for my stats. tmd. i got 89% for mid-sem and i was confident of my final paper. i don't think my project screw up that bad. really, tmd.
i got B+ for jap. another tmd. must be the farked up oral and listening.
A- for hw111 and hp203, count myself lucky.
B+ for ee8087, maths. seriously wth. my paper aint that bad i thought, the project? haiz.
B+ for 202, thought i will do worse. haha..
overall still sianz, so much Bs as compared to last sem, only 1.
not happy. not that sad. gpa drops below 4.5. next sem earn it back.

Wind

the wind
you can feel it, but can you touch it?
it's invisible, but i know it's there.
i don't see it, but i can sense its effects.
i can see the trees swaying.
i can hear the sound of the breeze.
i can taste the coolness of the air that it brings.
i can smell the aroma that it carries.
i can feel the wind feeling me.

we can't see it, but we can feel it.

if love is wind, it comes and goes.
free and easy, light and refreshing.

if wind is love, it never cease.
embrace it with gentleness, or reject it with force.

My Envy

it's been a long time since i went out on a date, or at least i consider this to be one. walked around in a rather familiar place, ate dinner, that's about all. i was hoping we could catch the night view a bit, although i know it's nothing much, i just like it. well, she wanted to get home early and watch korean f4. ate jap, my treat becuz of a stupid bet. really not bad, akashi.

just got reminded that my 1st sgt back in 42sar has passed away recently and the wake was held during my gentings trip so i couldn't make it. forgot all about it until eugene emailed me a link on the incident.
http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,202097-1242511140,00.html
it's sad that he passed away. well, at least the group who chanced upon it managed to discover it. i'm not sure which is better, to know that your husband has passed away mysteriously, or hoping that he will come back someday, he's just lost.
Sgt Lai, thanks for all the things you have helped me back in the unit.
May you rest in peace.

my feelings of envy and jealously surfaced after the date tonight. it's always the feeling of other ppl are living a life more fulfilling than me. i look at her, her life looks pretty fun. going out almost everyday, perhaps tonight is just another date. she has things to complain about. she has things she want. she sees a future. although like some, the only games she's probably playing are facebook games, she deemed it enough.

and let's take a look at me. i hardly go out, most of the times becuz of mj or supper with the guys. i don't shop, no fashion sense. i'm seriously not cut out for small miscellaneous talk as experienced from today. you ask me for interested happenings and i can only think of losing that 20k bucks on facebook roulette this morning.

the guys seem to have a more satisfying life too. those who crave for companionship often seek and find. tuck never did loosen up on chasing girls. those already attached seemed happy, satisfied. those single, are either don't really care, or on the move to the next relationship.

personally, i crave for one. it's something like... once you tasted the sweetness, you kept wanting more. this sweetness that love brings got me hooked with just one time. although short, but lethal enough to get me where i am now. however, craving is one thing, finding the right one is another. how is the right one like?

tv dramas often speak of this... i'm thinking that those who felt that they have found the right ones, will also speak of this.
"you will know when he's/she's the right one for you"
i will know, sure or not?
i have tried testing this statement out, and my answer is actually 2 extremes.
everyone can be the right one for you, or there just isn't any way to find out.

in life, we all make a lot of decisions. right, wrong, somewhere in between. even in relationships, we make decisions so impt that our life would have been different with just a simple No instead of a Yes. try picturing a wedding ceremony at the part whereby the couple exchange their vows and the bride or bridegroom saying "Yes, I do." or a marriage proposal taking place. "No", and the opportunity for that Yes may never come again. sometimes i feel, whether is she the right one for you, really depends on your own decision. if i choose to love her, i will see her beauty and accept her flaws. if i don't, i shun away from her as much as possible. it's just a "Yes" away. of cuz, when frictions arises, or existed before the start, when the pieces don't match, it means it's a different puzzle altogether. decisions do change with frictions. and when that time comes, you can decide again, with your feelings, with your attitude.

i also believe that everything is possible. a love relationship may go so well, you two ended in marriage within months of dating. passionate love, or even commsummate love. intimacy, commitment, passion, all mixed together to become an ideal relationship. deep down, it's "she's the one, no doubt abt it". 1 month later, she ran off during the wedding with some random guy. 1 year later, she said she's done with you, the passion wears off, she couldn't stand your flaws, etc. for me it's the usual 'pieces don't fit anymore' statement. so, now, can you still call her the one? or the one isn't just 1. but many right ones, and one of the right ones will actually remain right?

i know all this are kinda random shitz, i just wrote what i thought. no organization, some things don't seemed to make sense to others. what is expected of a guy sitting in his room with air con, feel like sleeping, connecting wireless for the first time using his laptop for his house connection, and waiting to say good night to her.

even if i tell myself to stop, the heart always gamble with hope. i don't like my heart, yet i crave for it.

张智成-暗恋

四目交接的时候不要停留太久
适可而止的问候关心不能太过
好奇也别去探索妒嫉只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞也不能对你说

啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默不想让你太难过
我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远
相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
甚麽会多一些甚麽会少一些

就让别人去猜测我们清白的很
就让自己去承受那种清白的闷
就算我只是朋友能不能有要求
如果会发生甚麽也是我想太多

啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心说出口微笑中藏著难过
我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远
你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
甚麽会被消灭甚麽才会复原

那是我的底线继续将你暗恋

~暗恋人的感觉，相信大多数人都了解。
但对暗恋的了解和程度，不是一致的。

对我暗恋的人，一句话也不说。

Work

don't feel like doing anything much.

throat... pain.

visited the doc yesterday morn, then today noon. first it was discomfort with fever, headache, body(bones and joints) aches, feeling cold... with the swell in my throat. then the rest went away, just not the swelling on the right, have to go back and get some injection of antibiotics to enable me to recover faster.

talking hurts. i wonder how i'm going to survive the 2hr tuition tml morn.

oh ya, got back my old job. it's 9-6 again~ plus 2 tuitions. this have gotta earn me some money before the sch starts again.

finished The Tipping Point. a good read for me. many examples and terms used in psychology like the example of diffusion of responsiblity, transactive memory, and other interesting theories like broken windows, mavens, connectors, law of the few, rule of 150, etc.

nik, where's my blink?

help

sometimes, i really wonder if the help i have given was indeed appreciated. what's my true motive behind? do i expect something in return?

social exchange theory in regards to prosocial behaviours explains that people help others in order to gain something. there's no altruism among us. for every thing you do, there's something that you gain.

but is that your initial motive? if not, then maybe we do have some altruistic traits.

for me, you however, belongs to the exchange relationship.
becuz there's no point in having a one-sided communal relationship.
and if i relate to the investment model, i see no rewards, just costs. i have alternatives. no commitments. so, why am i still concerned.