Sunday, July 25, 2010

a dream

it's rather rare that i remember details of my dream. it just so happened that my head is hurting, my nose is running, my throat is sore and irritating me to cough. wasn't feeling too well when i went to sentosa yesterday. the sore throat is always a bad sign for the other flu/cold symptoms. had to endure through the whole day becuz i don't wanna waste the universal studio ticket. it's free. haha...

anyway, most of the time when i'm dreaming, i consciously knew it. but this time, i didn't. i let myself indulged in the fantasy that i knew afterwards, will appear to be foolish to myself.

it was about her. let me try to recap most of the events that took place... it was her day, her graduation day. i was there, with her. we went to the carpark, she went up first, i followed. she was in a yellow convertible when i got up, wearing something similar to an office wear, without her specs. we exchanged a few words, and then i said goodbye. suddenly she asked which school i'm going to, in which i replied that i thought she knew. the conversation actually lead up to why she decided on studying this and something along the line of don't waste her time. we kinda open up, told each other our feelings, and somehow got back together, in bed. she was lying down, i was on top. i told her i haven't kissed for a very long time, and went on to kiss her on the lips, which after i woke up, realised it would have been better it i started on the forehead. no idea why. haha.. but the kiss felt real. surreal.

thereafter i woke with all my flu/cold symptoms back online and my mum asking me to see the doctor before i go back camp tml.

i know it's impossible, that's why it's a dream. sigmund freud may infer my inner desires from interpretation of it all, but i refused to believe any words from this thought. sometimes i just wondered, in terms of erikson's 8 stages of development, i got stuck in 'her'th stage.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

my dear tutee

having been filling my life with unnecessary activities nowadays instead of all the planned things i listed out right in front of me. trying to get back to normal waking hours for a start.

was giving tuition to kel and thought afterwards that it might be interesting talking about the things she does during tuition..

one of her favourite hobbies during tuition to move the chair from under the table with her leg and exclaimed to me, "oh look, the ghost is back!". most of the times i told her to tell the ghost to stop rocking the chair and get back to her qns. maybe someday i scare her with some ghost stories. but well, we don't really have time for story-telling.

dropping things. she has a habit of dropping all kinds of stuffs. pen, pencils, hairclip, pen cap, ruler, anything she can get her hands on and play around while i'm explaining the qns to her and wondering if she's listening. happened almost every time, and after dropping it, she would tell me not to bother becuz she would pick it up after the tuition.

talking abt her class 'genius' like they're unbeatable. it seemed like that to me when i was her age. those smarties sure know how to get perfect scores. but now, nahz. put in enough effort with at least some brain cells, and wahla~ maybe not perfect, but close at least. so usually i just attribute her friends' smartness to high amounts of effort. might just spur the kid's motivation.

movies. everytime something more suited for kids came up, she would ask me about them. have i seen them? are they nice? etc etc. which i usually dismiss with, "i don't like cute movies".

saying the opposite. yes, she likes it. even though she got it correct, she would say the steps wrong just to grab my attention while i'm looking at some other problem sums. after which, she would just say "no lah, i'm kidding!" with a smile.

"horhor"-ing me when i say rather vulgar words. i rmb once i said out loud "what the..." and managed to hold the last word. she was horhor-ing me for saying what the heck, i was going for what the hell. but it's better than wtf. i'm careful with my words when she's around.

covering her solutions while she's doing it. i don't really know why, but the objective is simply to prevent me from looking at her steps until she got the final answer. that is, until she hit a roadblock.

holding on to the assessment book to prevent me from flipping the pages. an attempt to skip the qns on the previous page -_-

kids, they are at an interesting age. you wonder if the innocence of the child was lost becuz she was growing up, or becuz of the societal norms that were 'guiding' her. i'm at an age in which it's pretty hard to change anything. them, they haven't even started finding their own identities yet. maybe soon, according to erikson's 8 stages; 5th stage.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Facebook Horoscopic analysis on Scorpio (Chinese)

天蠍,生於秋深。性喜靜,意清幽。愛之切,怨亦深。本質輕名利,但擁有成名得利的天賦。   偏重靈與肉的完美結合。直覺力之準之銳,行動力之瀟灑之特,常令徒有虛表之人忌憤不已。天蠍,一個別具一格的星座。格調分明有別常人,心胸高妙不露於表。常容人難容之事,亦笑人可笑之處。  對於朋友,重質不重量,高度要求知心。寧可孤獨,也不違心。 對於愛情,寧缺毋濫。寧可抱憾終生,也不苟且湊合。風流不羈的言行下,執著追求一種宗教意識的愛情信仰。內心具有高度責任性,忠誠性,自律性以及矛盾性。浪漫儒雅,風趣超脫。擁有奇異誘人的容貌氣質。根本上,提倡由愛生性的性愛模式,鄙視純粹的獸性性行為,但,自己卻又常在意志薄弱時,自虐般地沉溺其間。   天蠍大多恩怨分明,黑白絕不混餚。猶如包公,寧可得罪眾官,也要獎懲公道。多思少言的特質,齊全透徹的智慧,使一切真相假面恐慌不已。因此,本質靜默孤僻的天蠍們極易招惹他人的非難和灌上莫須有的罪名。而其強硬又柔弱的本質,常使其背負黑鍋也不辯護,不低頭。典型的"獨當千古錯,冷漠自逍遙"的天蠍風格。只有在忍無可忍時,天蠍才會真正採取報復行為。可也因其很多時候過於忍辱負重,好比老實人發火,報復也就更顯突兀強勁,反令圓滑的小人真正的禍首們惱羞成怒,藉機大肆渲染。由於天蠍有隱忍為善的一面,更有別緻的獨特氣質,從而也導致了天蠍倍受他人嫉妒卻常被反咬一口的現象出現。也因為典型的天蠍,並不擅長疏通改善人際關係,更不善於有效地表達澄清自己,從而成為了十二星座裡最具爭議的一個星座。   天蠍們擁有天賦般靈性的思維,結合現實的洞察,產生了異於常人的思索角度愛情觀,友情觀,人生觀,皆如此。由於意識超常,天蠍們總是:苦於紅塵無知音,不如隱形愛孤獨。天蠍的確就是這樣極端:不是最另類的現代人,就是最另類的原始人。   人們研究天蠍的誤區在於沒有能力到達天蠍的心理根本。   其實,天蠍們一生都在尋求知心的朋友,同時他們也容忍對手的存在,但,並非製造敵人。要知道,天蠍本性不好戰,但具備戰鬥的智慧和能量。請注意:這是關鍵。所以你可以成為天蠍的對手和朋友,但,不要把天蠍當敵人。因為,天蠍從不主動侵犯他人的利益。你也不要做些低層次的敵對事情,那只能顯得你自己無聊挫敗。比如:如果你煽動眾人,想用流言蜚謠打擊算計,甚至孤立天蠍,那麼不久你就會發現天蠍依舊活得很灑脫,很獨特。因為,他們本來沒有把你當敵人,某種意義上,是你自己"自作多情",以小人之心度君子之腹了。而這種俗不可耐的敵對伎倆,對於天蠍們來說,無疑是一堆可笑差勁的破招。天蠍生性渴望理解,卻不奢求理解,安於孤獨,更能樂於孤獨。天蠍的優勢在於,對於別有用心的人,能夠一眼看穿,並完全做到視若無睹。也許,當你自鳴得意時,天蠍想的正是——不和這頭牲口一般見識!看,天蠍就是這樣的心態,清高地忍讓,憂鬱地承受,卻,酷得乾脆利落,宛如一位高超的劍手,不是不過招,只是你非對手。為什麼你非對手,因為你已經把自己立意為敵人。對於敵人,不用過招。興趣無時不屑一顧。興趣來時,一劍定勝負。這種徹骨的冷靜和孤高,也正是天蠍人雖不招惹別人,卻還是招致陰險有毒的惡名的根本。而,也只有天蠍自己知道,真正惡毒的其實是你!但是,一切也都沒有用,要知道,能夠忍受孤獨的人,也就是最無所畏懼的人了。這也就是天蠍為什麼可以在鋪天蓋地的惡名謠傳裡,依舊活出自己風格的原因。某個角度來說,才思橫溢的天蠍人,正是從別人不切實際的攻擊誹謗裡,看到了自己與眾不同的價值。因為,沒有人會化很大的心血很多的精力,對一個平庸無常的人做太多的關注。顯然,天蠍是別具一格的。 我本善良,我本真實,這樣的句子,用在天蠍身上是最恰當不過了。每隻天蠍似乎從出生那天起,就注定要為自己的獨特而歷經許多風波。對於人性,天蠍從來看得比所有人透徹。   可以說他們極端,但是,他們無法不真實地活出自己。也許,只有"曲高合寡"這四個字,才是孤獨奇特的天蠍們最好的詮釋。    天蠍。星象書上說,誕生在深秋的蠍子是最複雜的。同意這句話。因為蠍子可以根據需要在具體環境把自己塑造成適合的角色,是個善於戴著面具生活的人。但內心本我的強大力量又讓他們在某個時刻不由自主地顯現出其蠍子冷酷陰鬱的一面。幾乎沒有任何一個蠍子座的人可以逃避這點。因為,本質的東西,深植於骨髓,扎根於靈魂。   這裡,我希望通過自己的一點薄見,和大家一起認識這最複雜的蠍子情感強烈是蠍子座的人最普遍的特點。我至今沒有發現感情因子欠乏的蠍子。他們有著異常熾熱的感情,但大多藏得較深,平時看來是個比較和氣的人,一般不爆發,爆發時絕對是噴湧而出的,有著強大的震懾力.能促使蠍子爆發深藏的感情的事情其實並不多。我總結了三種情況。   一是欺騙,這種欺騙也許不是很大,也許發生在很好的朋友甚至親友之間,也許只是一樁小事,但蠍子看來,重要的不是欺騙造成了什麼損失,而是欺騙這種行為本身,他認為這是強烈的不信任感,是對他的不尊重。一個小小的欺騙在蠍子的心中會激盪起巨大的不快,天性陰冷的蠍子習慣將它放大來看,也可以說這種與他們處事風格準則背道而弛的行為是他們輕蔑並排斥的。用欺騙傷害蠍子產生的裂痕一般是不容易消除的。當事人在蠍子心中的地位可以說馬上會大幅下降。經觀察,沒有哪個星座的人像蠍子這樣如此深地看重信任和尊重這兩個詞,他們一般對此都很敏感。敏感得容下不在他許可的小小範圍內出現一粒沙。越是親密關係間的欺騙對蠍子的傷害就越大。因為他們對朋友往往交出真心,而這種付出償來的若是欺騙和背叛的話,蠍子的心會冷到極點。   二是侮辱。敏感的蠍子其實並不那麼開得起玩笑,當然他們能敏銳地分辨出你話裡的真實含義,善意的玩笑他們還是不會拒絕的。但帶刺的話他們絕對能馬上聽出,他能感受到你語氣中的真實的感情成分。很自我的蠍子絕對不容忍別人侮辱他貶低他。也許一件事情讓他糟糕,讓他吃虧很大,但如果需要的話他能壓抑住自己的情緒,裝作若無其事。惟獨侮辱不可以,你可以感受到蠍子那一刻表情越發陰冷,牙關緊閉。那是他在積蘊力量,你能感受得到他強壓怒火的眼神,開始起伏的胸膛,只需要一個小小突破口,巨大的能量就要噴薄而出。這個時候,瞭解他們的人還是趕緊收口吧,否則誰都不知道會發生什麼可怕的事情。我自己就經歷過多次這樣的情景,從來都是是猛烈的瞬間爆發,不明白的人奇怪怎麼突然發這麼大脾氣,其實真實情況是,他忍著氣已經很久很久了,只是你硬逼他爆發的。   三是為了他認為重要的人。蠍子是活得孤獨的人,他們自己都會發現,自己和許多人是格格不入的,他滿臉的笑容很多時候都不是發自內心的,只是為了場合的需要,真正談得來並懂得他們的朋友一般很少很少。生命中他重視的人他一定會傾力保護,蠍子為了保護那個人時,顯現出的感情是強大的。這個人最大的可能就是曾在蠍子需要時給過真正理解溫暖關愛的人。哪怕是一點點。像會記恨一樣,蠍子對那些對他真心好的人絕對是記在心上的,沒有太多的表面的東西,關鍵的時候,真正肯為你犧牲的那個朋友,肯定是他。對他最愛的那個人而言,蠍子有可能的話甚至肯為她去死。如果他心中的那個她被別人傷害的話,蠍子會有剜心的痛,這個時候,他可能會暴露出最陰暗的一面,如果要把報復和蠍子聯繫起來的話,那麼這種情況當屬第一。蠍子這時候可能會在巨痛的驅使下,用最黑暗的力量為她去復仇去摧毀敵人。在我看來,蠍子最最強烈感情表現出來的時候,應該就是他為了保護她的時候。水象之王的蠍子外表看來往往不那麼強硬,甚至有點軟弱,這是很多人對他們的印象,但瞭解他們的內心的人就會發現,他們是討厭被指使的人。可以說,蠍子是吃軟不吃硬的,平等對他的話,他便是個性子很好的人,要是想壓制他,蠍子內心馬上會排斥,並且潛意識裡他們是很厭惡習慣對他們指手畫腳的人的。他們心中多數是不服,但不會明顯表現出來,也許暫時地順著對方,背後則默默積累力量,也許乾脆用冷漠直接表示拒絕和厭惡。蠍子確實是喜歡掌控別人的人,但不像火象的獅子那種氣焰上統領一切的感覺,蠍子能用一種獨特的暗藏的力量影響人,因為他有著洞穿別人內心的敏銳力和堅定沉靜的氣質。如果蠍子具備一些火象性格的話,則會是個讓人感覺非常凌厲的人,冷靜的外表下說起話做起事來霸氣十足。蠍子如果學著性格張揚一點的話,會馬上顯現出強大的領導力。蠍子對自己的愛人也有著強烈的掌控欲,只有當那個她只對他一個人好的時候,他才感覺安心,他希望她能常陪在他身邊,希望她能經常依靠他,所以小鳥依人般的溫柔甜蜜的女孩子最能激起蠍子愛的感覺。這就解釋了為什麼他和水象的魚兒和巨蟹很和得來的原因。 蠍子比較喜歡不帶表情的說話做事,可以說,蠍子很難學會用表情表達他們豐富的內心世界,他們是不善於利用表情的人。蠍子本質是不愛笑的,尤其不習慣在一大堆人之間肆無忌憚地笑,蠍子習慣淺淺地一笑,讓他們在眾人面前表情誇張地保持10秒鐘我相信是件困難的事情。   他們確實常給人缺乏親和力的印象,哪怕是他已經認識到了這點並試著去改變了,結果還是會發現,一不留神,他和人的距離感又莫名地產生了。可以說蠍子的笑保留著人類某種原始的東西,蠍子笑起來會帶著絲羞澀,特別是在人多或異性面前。看起來非常孩子氣,讓人感覺純真,顯得乖巧。但蠍子多笑真的比較重要,蠍子笑起來純樸真誠的樣子可以很好地打消他們在別人心中不好的印象。蠍子可以多對著鏡子練習練習。敏感的蠍子有時會莫名地收住笑容,這會給別人不好的印象,他們會納悶並猜想你突然沉下臉的原因,很多時候,蠍子和人的隔閡就是這麼產生的。   在蠍子的生命中總有一種嚮往孤獨的特質。  他們即使在受不了淒寂的同時,又渴望得到只有在孤獨時才能享受到的自我極致發揮和無絲毫保留的面對現實。   所以,孤獨的蠍子是矛盾的。   孤獨中他們的心靈像眼睛,誠實敏銳得揉不進一粒塵沙。   所以,孤獨的蠍子更能洞悉謊言與人心。他們只有在孑然一身的時候,才有機會登上精神的高峰,望得遠,看得清,障礙盡除,思維如月光染雪,剔透通明,理智與感情皆回歸到最純淨的狀態,能清楚的照亮自己。   所以,孤獨的蠍子睿智。   當蠍子被身邊的孤獨包圍的時候,他們的內心卻是在釋放。他們的身體和靈魂變成了過濾器,吸取著潮濕冰冷的空氣,滲透出清澈甘甜的水滴,那就是他們的思想。思想無限流動,不受空間和時間的限制,抵達所有相通的靈魂。   所以,當到達你的靈魂時,請你好好珍惜。   當你看到陌生人面前孤僻而冷淡的蠍子時,請你見諒,因為即興發揮不是蠍子的強項,蠍子一向預熱很慢,感情需要很大的安全感才能活潑的施展。   所以,當你想要瞭解那些外表形單影隻,獨來獨往的蠍子時,請細心的感受他們內在活動的勃放如春。   對於天蠍座的激情別人已經寫得夠多的了,以致再寫就顯得有點多餘了。其實那些描述嚴格地來說,也不完全正確。天蠍座的人確實擁有過量的激情。但是這些熱情不一定是用一種顯而易見的方式來表達的。對於天蠍座的人來說,性是一種表達的途徑,它是一種達到秩序的方法,而不僅僅是肉體上激情的釋放。   天蠍座對性和愛的渴望,通常與它們能提供的轉變有關。他們喜歡把性與愛稱作自己所喜歡的名字:一次神秘的經歷、一次深層次的體會。性與愛讓天蠍座向比他們自己更強大的事物投降。天蠍座的伴侶有一種巨大的容忍力,他們為了愛情和忠貞可以犧牲一切。他們甚至可以做出巨大的自我犧牲。在他們身上有一點狂熱,這會滲透到他們與別人建立的關係中,並且影響他們的精神和態度。   天蠍座是不會在淺的池塘裡划水的。他們縱身跳入遠遠淹過他們的頭的深度的汪洋。但是有時候可悲的是,在天蠍座所處的關係中釋放出來的狂熱,有時候會導致他們極端的猜疑,並且會讓他們產生強烈的佔有慾。假如天蠍座的人正陷入在愛情當中的時候,這種情況往往就會發生。假如他們沒有真正談戀愛的話,那麼他們情感的大門就永遠不會在你面前出現,你將面臨真正的情感上的堅冰。

took me quite a while to read this whole chunk of words.
even though i'm studying psychology, i still kinda believe this.

Monday, July 12, 2010

a nitez in the sandz

dad actually told us he booked a room in sentosa, but suddenly it changed to marina bay sands the day before. it doesn't really matter to me, it's nearer to the place i'm going after checking out anyway.

the check-in went fine, the room was pretty cool. the usual 2 big beds that looks smaller than a twin bed but larger than a single, the big screen tv, curtains. the unusual thing is the toilet, it got no lock. so even if someone is bathing inside, you can just slide the door wide open. perfect for perverts. i'll probably do that to my gf, if i have one. the view out of the balcony was of the barrage, which means the sea. not too bad from level 32 high.

the evening was spent strolling around, looking at fashion shops that were all too plenty. parents decided to pay $100 each to go casino, while me and sis left in the shuttle bus for dinner at ps. nothing much to do until the final match of the world cup starts, so i went randomly walking around.

slept an hour or 2 after the match before i joined my sis and her friend at the top floor for a morn swim. although we went there at night to take a quick peek of the sky garden, the morning view was just as fresh as the night. top down from the 57th floor, i could see the esplanade, the river, merlion, and hell lots of things. the sky seemed near, the clouds were moving, the sun was doing its daily east-west routine (or rather the earth is doing its rotation)... beautiful sight. or cuz, with some bikinis too.

it's times like this i kinda wish i have someone special at the moment. to share the excitement, to share the same astonishing view... we can probably both go "wow..." together. well, wtheck. i just wowed now, then when i finally get someone, i bring her there so she can go wow.

btw, the hot jaccuzi and the glaring sun seriously burned my body.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

found it

finally found the 'superb' comment. wonder why i got so lost finding it last night. anyway, it was followed by another long comment in a language that i don't know.
that said, i went to random do some translation and fortunately got an answer. it's in romanian.

here goes:
I've never made a step ... a step towards what I'll lovage appointed happiness .... I sincerely call amagirea mind and soul, because there is everlasting, is lost amongst rows of life, when going back looking to study better, disappears, but her beloved ubra take, and invaluie in darkness: sadness, ah if I knew I wouldn't be viewed Elijah ... we need of happiness, we the people even tackle for it, some even a wait years or days, others a search for my whole life and forget to live ... but why would you want to be happy? what does it get? In your way, your search in the UK an ... pass by all, not only through suffering (even if it is a great truth that life is suffering) know new people, happy or Angels, naive, or bored, heaven, or just copilarosi .... I was born (as each of you), I ran since I was a kid, on the street, and when aciasi ma intorceam out, I'm expecting MOM at home I say how much I love you, I give the food and to me. ... I grew up without taking days to feel, and I notice that we realize nothing .... I was just a baby ... I wanted to create an, felt atractia .... wanting to discover, to learn, to live exactly as I wanted, as well as a happy man, hope and dream were my true happiness ... I love to write little baby, and music, I'm enchant fascinata of sounds that I gadilau easy ears, and felt the smell of happiness ... Later ... I just closed my ... I wanted to be the only one to create, to write poems or prose, studying various philosophy book or simply psychology, or SCIENCE FICTION novels, which I'll exinda ambitionau imagination ... For me there is happiness, even if I were a kid his sad and lonely abatust, what is he among the Park's gandurii ... Happiness will be always in your dreams, hopes, in your mind you will find what they are looking for, because when you find what you wanted by a life you're a man over a week ... senina ...!

there differences in 2 translators that i used, but i just took the one that i cna cut and paste the whole thing.

anyway, i can't really comprehend the translation as much as i would love to, but i do know it's something along the line of hope for happiness. interesting comment ain't it? first i get to try to find out what language is it, then i get to try to understand its meaning.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

where's the superb?

a few minutes ago i was looking at a comment who mentioned superb and i clicked to publish. then i tried to look it up to see which post was the comment on. and somehow, it's lost. -_- i have no idea where is it now. maybe i clicked delete instead of approve.

anyway, did some swimming yesterday evening. was feeling rather bored, and thought that i should start to do some productive things in this long vacation. a quick change, a fast stretch, and i got tired within 10 laps. tried pushing on to 20, and it suddenly got smoother and more enjoying. breath started to regulate better, eventually my goal of 20 went to 30, and then finally 50. nice. although i must said, my ability to hold my breath underwater has degraded. i used to be able to go about 3/4 of the pool, which is around 37m. now i'm stuck at 25m, just halfway through.

the body didn't really ache after the 50 laps until i start to get home. interesting.

been reading up on the book super freakonomics. i still remembered when i read the first book, freakonomics, and i told her some of the stuffs in the book that i found interesting. she was rather skeptical about all the information that was derived from the statistics, implying that it was bogus. nahz, what does she knows? haha.. she may be able to do statistics, but statistics alone without the skill of getting inference from it is still lacking in substance in the science world.

oh right, i tried swimming 10 laps without my goggles on becuz after it got kinda loose after so many years and one lap is enough to get enough water in the goggles to 'mistify' it. this, was a very bad choice. my eyes hurt like hell due to the chlorinated water and my vision is a bit 'mistified' also. looks hazy wherever i go. haha.. interesting, and painful.

the swimming was pleasurable, but lying down in the pool, with the head looking up in the evening sky is the best. i'm not near the beach, this is a good substitute for it. my life isn't on the fast lane, but so those travelling at high speed in their worlds, slowing down or even stopping once in a while to see something that you've hardly noticed before, can be quite refreshing. for me, it's more of relaxing, looking at the cloudy sky, wondering when my next story in life will arrive. i'm a waiter actually, i wait for things to happen.

been visiting east coast park too much nowadays in the wee hours due to supper. somehow, we just travelled to the east. it was rather windy last night when we went at around 2+. little crowd, mostly couples enjoying the scenary and some privacy. one of them was rather intruded by the 5 of us, but continued their kissing despite our presence and talking. after i heard their kissing noise, i wondered whether the noise is made becuz of the kissing taking place, or kissing can be done without it. rather ashamed to say, even though i've kissed before, i actually forgot the answer to it. but i remembered she complained my kissing wasn't good. haha... this kind of crap i remembered.

saw some bapoks at changi. they looked really well-dressed and attractive. but still... not female.

~life has no meaning. until we start to find it.