if i can lose all feelings and emotions

sometimes i wish i can forgo all that's inside
to measure everything objectively
to see everyone as tools
friends, family.
love suddenly becomes a well-defined subject.
for the sake of continuing mankind, sex
in order to follow the norm
to be seen as a success in all aspects of life

i will not feel happy
the smile on my face is just being polite
i smile, simply becuz you smile
i can feel no pain
heartbreak means nothing in the objective measure
i shall appear calm and unshaken at the deaths or ending of relationships
my heart doesn't race anymore
no sexual exposure can get my adrenaline flowing
no attraction can set my hormones going
no one can get me wanting
i have no desires

i void myself of all smiles and tears
open a black hole and empty my heart
my mind is only for intellectal thinking
my heart is for beating
my eyes see not humans but bodies of flesh roaming on grounds
my ears hear not words but noises from the back
even my greatest enjoyment of taste diminish till food turns into just solid
i am alive, dead, a living dead and a dying life.

if.

anyway, i'm tired of waiting for the treat to actually arrive with words of confirmation. i asked for the sake of asking. not in the mood to feel happy from a treat. so, save it till next time, when i'm in a lighter mood.

i can't allow myself to express freely my every thoughts. sensible or nonsensical.
for that kind of 'honesty' will only devoid myself of people, even closed.
i may hint to you in subtle ways, obvious signs, or pray somehow you read my mind
but to tell my very truth, you can wait till the sun dies.
i can appear unfazed, untroubled, strong on the front
perhaps to protect, i have no idea what's inside.
weak or strong, weak or strong. what's weak and what's strong.
does ppl even bother to define? does it warrants a definition?

sometimes i write so much nonsense.