it felt like i've never left.

today i had a rather weird, dull feeling, something of an insight
that i didn't really left myself years ago
when i went from hopeful to being despair
then she came along and blew me away
it would have been fine till she left
and i'm left thinking, i'm still haven't really got myself back
the past few years, i've been holding back things i wanna do
until someone gave a push, i'm just staying put
it wasn't like that.
i wasn't like that.

today, ends my rt session.
cleared my ippt. almost the same as last try, just that my 2.4km passed.
this regimental rt session might have ended
but i felt that something else should end too

to put a fullstop on my unwilling self
have i grown out of being passionate? i hope not.
as i somehow decided to walk to the train station which was unexpectedly far away, and then to walk to the next train station because i was in the middle of both of them, i kept my mind afresh of these thinkings.

out of nowhere, there she is again. was.
a smile, a wave, and there she went.
and i imagined how blur my face must have been right after we broke eye contacts
short-sighted, i'm still not used to how short my sight is and can't help with the startled face when i see a familiar
but there she is, was.
and i took it as a sign that, something should change. a must, an intiation.

just like that awfully blissful feeling i felt when we were, and not she and me.
now, i just have to do it again. without her.

and now, it felt more like i've left everything behind.

~my self-therapy.
whether it's the truth, or made-up truth