My Envy

it's been a long time since i went out on a date, or at least i consider this to be one. walked around in a rather familiar place, ate dinner, that's about all. i was hoping we could catch the night view a bit, although i know it's nothing much, i just like it. well, she wanted to get home early and watch korean f4. ate jap, my treat becuz of a stupid bet. really not bad, akashi.

just got reminded that my 1st sgt back in 42sar has passed away recently and the wake was held during my gentings trip so i couldn't make it. forgot all about it until eugene emailed me a link on the incident.
http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,202097-1242511140,00.html
it's sad that he passed away. well, at least the group who chanced upon it managed to discover it. i'm not sure which is better, to know that your husband has passed away mysteriously, or hoping that he will come back someday, he's just lost.
Sgt Lai, thanks for all the things you have helped me back in the unit.
May you rest in peace.

my feelings of envy and jealously surfaced after the date tonight. it's always the feeling of other ppl are living a life more fulfilling than me. i look at her, her life looks pretty fun. going out almost everyday, perhaps tonight is just another date. she has things to complain about. she has things she want. she sees a future. although like some, the only games she's probably playing are facebook games, she deemed it enough.

and let's take a look at me. i hardly go out, most of the times becuz of mj or supper with the guys. i don't shop, no fashion sense. i'm seriously not cut out for small miscellaneous talk as experienced from today. you ask me for interested happenings and i can only think of losing that 20k bucks on facebook roulette this morning.

the guys seem to have a more satisfying life too. those who crave for companionship often seek and find. tuck never did loosen up on chasing girls. those already attached seemed happy, satisfied. those single, are either don't really care, or on the move to the next relationship.

personally, i crave for one. it's something like... once you tasted the sweetness, you kept wanting more. this sweetness that love brings got me hooked with just one time. although short, but lethal enough to get me where i am now. however, craving is one thing, finding the right one is another. how is the right one like?

tv dramas often speak of this... i'm thinking that those who felt that they have found the right ones, will also speak of this.
"you will know when he's/she's the right one for you"
i will know, sure or not?
i have tried testing this statement out, and my answer is actually 2 extremes.
everyone can be the right one for you, or there just isn't any way to find out.

in life, we all make a lot of decisions. right, wrong, somewhere in between. even in relationships, we make decisions so impt that our life would have been different with just a simple No instead of a Yes. try picturing a wedding ceremony at the part whereby the couple exchange their vows and the bride or bridegroom saying "Yes, I do." or a marriage proposal taking place. "No", and the opportunity for that Yes may never come again. sometimes i feel, whether is she the right one for you, really depends on your own decision. if i choose to love her, i will see her beauty and accept her flaws. if i don't, i shun away from her as much as possible. it's just a "Yes" away. of cuz, when frictions arises, or existed before the start, when the pieces don't match, it means it's a different puzzle altogether. decisions do change with frictions. and when that time comes, you can decide again, with your feelings, with your attitude.

i also believe that everything is possible. a love relationship may go so well, you two ended in marriage within months of dating. passionate love, or even commsummate love. intimacy, commitment, passion, all mixed together to become an ideal relationship. deep down, it's "she's the one, no doubt abt it". 1 month later, she ran off during the wedding with some random guy. 1 year later, she said she's done with you, the passion wears off, she couldn't stand your flaws, etc. for me it's the usual 'pieces don't fit anymore' statement. so, now, can you still call her the one? or the one isn't just 1. but many right ones, and one of the right ones will actually remain right?

i know all this are kinda random shitz, i just wrote what i thought. no organization, some things don't seemed to make sense to others. what is expected of a guy sitting in his room with air con, feel like sleeping, connecting wireless for the first time using his laptop for his house connection, and waiting to say good night to her.

even if i tell myself to stop, the heart always gamble with hope. i don't like my heart, yet i crave for it.