i feel obligated to live a better life

it still feels funny talking with your past.
things will never be the same, they said.
i thought i could change that.
that is, if i can change the past.

what is that sadness and happiness i've found with you?

changes

i have to make changes
can't just live my life like this
everyone only got one chance to make this right

to others, i want to say i have live an interesting life.

Project: Change

what's lacking

as usual, a sudden wave of sadness flooded my soul tonight.
it just so happened that, i'm not enjoying life.
not games, they bring only temporary thrills.
no love, i doubt it will come any time soon.

i feel.. i'm wasted.
i'm here, doing nothing.
just letting the seconds tick away.
i look up and see friends around.
they're filling their life with beautiful memories.
having the experience of their life.

i stood in front of the mirror, i dare not see what i see.
for i see no change in this me.
i'm still me.
i'm one with little experiences, knowledge and emotions.
i'm, just a minute self.

they have love, they have happiness
they have ambitions to fulfil
they have dreams to keep

all i have, i don't even know what i have.

searching for a purpose... to live.

nowadays my eyes keep filling up with tears

tears of sadness for the despaired...
touched by the bravery of a few significant ones

have you heard of the lady who slit her wrist and swallowed her gold ring to commit suicide? she said to the rescuers "Save the others!"

and the guy who remained positive underneath the debris and motivated many to do so too. yet when he was finally freed, he died. it's as if the only thing that was keeping him alive was his will.

many stories unheard...

i'm getting emotional. becuz i'm heartbroken.
broken becuz the world is broken.
overwhelmed by the strength and weakness of human kinds.


ANYWAY,
was watching some secondhand serenade youtube music videos.
some phrase that i thought was really relevant to the ladies.

~he asked what was wrong and i smiled and said nothing
then i turned around and whispered everything~

some females have the slightest idea of what they want.
others, just keep everything to themselves and expect their other halve to know what's the problem between.

it hurts. both parties.
talk to him, speak to her.
don't be afraid. be each other's strength and weakness.
love is both strong and weak.


after saying that i was over something in the past,
i was kinda confused abt the question.
which one was the question referring to?
only did have one in my mind.

~stay awake for me~

KOR

From the days I spent with a passion
I was flicked into the interstice between two times

I in the future for me in the past and
I from the past for me in the future
intersect each other in a valley of time-space.

Delicate triangle of pleasant unbalance
had come to pieces,
and you are getting distant from me again.

the summer had begun

i feel like crying

nowadays when i look at the news, i feel like crying.
i'm getting too emotional.

hope my cousin sis and aunt are still alright.

my curse

there are times when i thought it was all just a coincidence.
there are times when i thought i was just down on luck recently.
there are times when i thought, the other 3 of them are just more lucky than me.

but NO.
IT'S NOT THE CASE.

my mahjong curse of having all the stupid tiles doesn't seem to go away
my hand trembled when the 3 of them kept looking in my direction, as if the tile they wanted will definitely come from me.
AND MOST OF THE TIME, IT DID.

shall we play 10/20 cents? haha...

oh ya, cycled home yesterday becuz i didn't want to take a midnight cab.
waste money after losing money is kinda stupid.
but i will still cycle home even if i didn't lose much of won.

tired after a day of a planned ktv which didn't happen, then pool, movie "made of honour" which was good becuz the guys kept saying whatever movies they watch with me is like shitz, and then mj.

i thought to myself, what a class.
we never really did got separated even when our lives are going in different directions.

disaster

earthquake in shen zhen, china.
mum just reminded me i got an aunt and cousin living there. AHHH!!!
but news came that they were fine and sleeping on the beach.
hmm.. hope they are alright. been years since i've seen them.

another country got hit by another kind of natural disaster.
myanmar got attacked by cyclone. haiz..
why do we have natural disasters?

some time ago i read a manga on the story of a japan's earthquake.
ppl dying, trapped under blocks of debris...
what's worse, are the robbery, outrage of violence, the despair of human kinds.
RAPES, MOLESTS, KILLINGS... i hate it all.
when bad things come along, ppl who are weak in the mind, break down under pressure.

so i told myself, i will be strong under any circumstances.
even if i can't find a solution at the moment, i will not cripple.
i shall stand strong, for others, and for myself.

it's been a year since.
that afternoon, that night, that picture.
it's enough.

it's not over

this song brought enough tears to my eyes to let it flows down my left cheek.
i thought of her again.

that night.

道

因为我了解, 所以希望你也能了解
这是我教人之道

因为不希望任何人伤心落泪, 所以我会用我的一生来维护.
这是我其中的人生之道

sick sick sick

shitz.
have been visiting the doc for a consecutive 3 months.
always the same reason.
flu, sorethroat, coughing... -_-
maybe have been working too hard.

spent some time fixing up the new air-con in my dad's room.
our window length seemed a bit too short for the stupid air con.
so we decided to do some drilling. haha..

feeling zZzZ becuz of the illness that's been bugging me over the past week+

hot hot hot

labour day is hot.
staying at home also no mood...

been troubled over work.
to stay or not to stay?
looking at the situation now, it's hard to get a job as relief teacher, kinda late liao.
tuition jobs... it's hard to find pri-sec2 maths and science, in north area.
looked through some A maths questions.
i'm completely lost. unless i looked at the solutions.
basically that means i need to revise the whole damn thing again, or at least the topic, before i teach. which i'm kinda lazy.

how i wish the some tuition centre will just call me up and say, "Hi, we need a maths tutor to teach on tuesday and thursday and sat becuz we know you're working at night on wed and fri."

kinda got frost bite while playing with the dry ice during my mum's bday.
sis bought the swensens ice cream cake, so i took a pail of water to put the dry ice in. it creates a... misty environment for the bday cake during the song.
i think it's healing fast.

talking about healing, one of the 3 wounds on my hand healed miraculously. it's been there for a year. now, the other 2 are getting worse. -_-

i'm losing weight, maybe too tired from work.
and i don't get 2k/mth. should have just passed the freaking agc and earn big bucks being a driver for the air force. but still, presenting those stupid air force discussions still put me off. i rather ord.

thinking about hostel and tuition.
if i live in hostel, hard to get tuition.
but if i don't live in hostel, it's an experience lost.
i'm wondering if this experience is worth the money i'm going to put in for the rent and daily amenities, or necessities.

then i'm thinking about getting better treatment for my darn face.
it ain't going anywhere, the stupid shop is conning me big time.
most shops just con small time.

i'm getting sick of life.

the only few things that is keeping me sane are badminton, going out.
even playing games is making me feel extremely sick and no-life.

tidy up my table today.
the 21st project which was laying there since i-don't-know-when is in an almost complete mess on the ending touches. think i might have to just redo the whole darn thing or just throw it away. i like my table to be neat before i make it messy again.