random

saw this on some sharing on fb..

如果你不能给她穿上嫁衣，请停下脱她衣服的手。

i thought about it, but i feel something more.

如果她不能给你幸福，也请放开抱住她的手。

.

i decided to kill myself.

phoenix; rebirth from the ashes.

i don't change. i die first.

changing is too slow.

dying is much faster.

so i die tonight.

and live tomorrow.

a reason

when i decided to work towards something, putting effort into something, i know i want the results, but this reason is not enough. not even near to overcome the procrastination.

any other reason will do.
a short encouragement, i will work towards not disappointing.
a 'keep it up', and i will work towards 'good job'.
a belief that i can do it, and i will do it.

i have every reason to succeed.
but also any reason to fail.

facebook dependent

read this off on one of the xkcd comics.

"Facebook defines relationships. 'Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down."

sometimes i feel technology is something that we've abused too much of.
so much it deprived ourselves from the physical interaction of lives.
is it wrong? is it revolution? evolution?
but is it correct?

i laughed at myself last night for feeling lonely and needing someone to talk to.
these are times whereby i indulged myself in some personal writing with my hands off the keyboard. just pen and paper.

subjectively, the words that i wrote down rather than typed out, felt more closer to me, with more feelings, more reminiscence. i can basically see my own frustration in writing becuz the handwriting just gets from bad at the start until illegible towards the end. haha..

i wish life was simple.
but my mind makes everything complicated.
my heart mixes simplicity and complexity.
and i vowed to control this mix and in the process make life simple once again.

phone interview failed.

a few days back when i was busy strolling in the world of priston tale 2, i got a call from the tuition agent saying he's gonna give me an assignment i requested. however, the dad wanted to talk to me first. oh well, bring it on.

so began the informal phone interview. the dad was asking me whether i feel competent (or confident, can't rmb) about teaching pri 6 maths. he was commenting that nowadays the primary 6 maths are using calculators, and certainly the standard is higher. most probably becuz he can't solve it. now, at this point of time i'm just secretly smiling to myself. my mind was trying to send a telepathic message saying, you're a dad, you're maybe over 40, which is around 30 years since you last touch your primary school maths. it's quite natural for you not to know how to solve, like many other parents who lost touch with numbers. but what's the point of telling me? you seemed to think that becuz of the fact you can't solve, tutors like me might find it hard to teach? or even to solve? -_-

carrying on, he asked whether i was familiar with olympiad maths. i just gave a straight no. basically i think, if the children is able to score well in their psle, it's fine. why stress them on higher level maths when they can have more free time to create more memories for their precious childhood? only when you grow old, you realize you can only be a child for that long. it's a very stupid realization, but still. well, unless the kid is interested in this kind of stuffs, why not. i can sensed that the dad sounded disappointed in my 'NO'. so i made a very reluctant effort to make up by saying i will look into it if need be. although i believe i will be able to do if not all, most of the maths. well i did new south wales when i was his kid's age, i did international maths paper when i was in jc. i don't believe the olympiad maths is going to kill me, at least not so much. not that i belittle the standard of olympiad maths, but i believed myself too much. hahaha...

then comes the most bias question which i found rather irrelevant but something the parents will almost always ask. 'what's your secondary school? what's your jc? what are you studying now?' and to tell him, aiss, yjc, psychology, it's like triple knockout, one after another, back to back. seriously, my resume doesn't look nice with the school names. haha..

the agent later call back to say the dad was undecided and will call me if the dad chose me. my thinking then was, gone liao.

but then again, i was already hoping that he doesn't want me right after i heard his voice. indian. it's the smell. and if the smell can be detected from their body, then i would think that the house would be much more stronger.

中秋节 loh~!
the moon's gonna be round and bright and shining on the earth tml night.
还是那一句，

秋天的月亮特别圆

Jealous/Envy

sometimes i can't differentiate which is which.
especially when it's me.

i just saw the notifcation that 2 of my friends from different social circles were officially together. the good thing about facebook, where news travel so fast, you can't measure it with distance.

now and then i would get the craving of having someone.
and to see, or even to know someone else has someone, it just brings much jealousy/envy.
i wasn't sure before how that felt, but after the first, you just can't forget what it brings (along with the misery when communication breaks down).

is there a difference btw jealousy and envy?
perhaps externally, it's expressed in different ways.
but both boil down to the same initial thought; i wish i have what they have.

of course in some cases, jealous would be the more appropriate word.
like this random guy suddenly comes along, grabs my girl, and kisses her on the lips.
i don't think jealous is the only word that comes to my mind, but it's still one of the many among 'wtf' and 'ccb'.

school has been relaxing so far.
i have time to spend on searching for interesting mmorpgs..
failed in installing most of games like Soul of the ultimate nation, dragon nest..
some others, not my type, like the atlantica which is turn-based..
i ended up with priston tale II. haha.. wtheck.

萍聚

別管以後將如何結束　至少我們曾經相聚過
不必費心的彼此約束　更不需要言語的承諾
只要我們曾經擁有過　對你我來講已經足夠
人的一生有許多回憶　只願你的追憶有個我

an old song, but a great one.

Fated to Love you

It pretty much seems like i have a lot of free time on my hands.
so i rewatched the taiwan drama of fated to love you.
haha.. and within 3 days i finished all 24 episodes of it.
i still cry at the abortion part. some things never do change.
but the surprise element was missing already, too bad.

had a dream becuz i was so lazy to wake up in the late morning, my conscious mind starts to play these tricks on me.

and why, i asked myself, do i see her.
can't it be a pretty naked girl with a nice figure?
it's a dream, i expect better fantasy than just seeing her.
i expect my brain to do better.

it's that drama-aftermath feeling

i realized that after finishing dramas, whether is it jap, kor, chinese, or whatever, somehow you still crave for more. but there's also another feeling; the fantasy-indulgement feeling. becuz when the dramas show the sweetness and tenderness on the screen, it seemed rather possible that it could also happen in reality. or more imptly, to ourselves. it makes you wonder whether some time in your life, destiny arrives and have you collide with your destined partner. and through a series of crisis and overcoming them, the bond btw you two grew stronger and stronger, till you starts to wonder about what it's becoming into. and of cuz, along the way, strange situations of humor and awakardness were added in to act as catalyst for the whole story. the biggest problem yet arrives at the end and then the finale is a happily-ever-after.

some ppl sometimes commented that it's all predictable and such, especially my dad, haha... but i don't mind a happy ending, as long as it's happy.

often i wonder if those cute and sweet scenarios really did play out in real life. i have by far only minimal experience, and that wasn't much of a romance either. so, it really makes me ponder upon such thoughts. those scenes when the two of them have their faces so close together, when they gazed into each other eyes, etc etc. but the magical atmosphere during the kiss, definitely fantasy. haha.. perhaps it's this tendency that young teenage girls have in hope of a love that's sweet and strong.

a week of rather relaxing school. i felt this sem started well. and i'll make sure it ends well too. becuz i always believe, if i put my mind and heart to it, i can do it. i may take more hours to revise than others, more efforts to remember stuffs, more time to analyze the same materials. as long as i have this belief upon myself, i will walk on.

first week of sch

seriously, it's been nearly 3 weeks already.
and my damn right ankle is still not working right.
it's gonna be a while till i can run properly.

well, the first week of school is nearly over.
practically speaking, it's over for me since i don't have lessons tml.
been a rather relaxed week except for the first part of figuring out which module to take. i took a module that was meant for graduate students, and got into one full of FYP students except for me. total outcast. haha.. i actually felt a bit bad for any year 4s who can't take this module becuz of me. but still, someone left a vacany in the middle of the night, so i just took it. it's clinical psych, my first professional module. hmm... shall see how it goes. was wondering whether at my stage, am i able to handle a professional course. afterall, i'm 1 year behind my seniors.

btw, today's the first seminar for clinical psych.
the topic which struck my heart was suicide.
and i believed it was the most impactful for the rest of the class too.
the discussion came to some of us sharing personal stories.
one had a close friend who committed suicide, which she believed influenced her other friends to do so too. another encountered a friend who msged her telling that he's gonna commit suicide, and he fulfilled those words.

i was thinking of a particular girl. she was as far as i rmbed, the first case of suicide within my social circle. i vividly rmbed her name, HT. and i still remembered i held her hand during the solo night event in the annual npcc camp. her suicide struck me straight in the heart, forcing me to admit that suicide is not just some stuffs that only happens in other dimensions while i just sit back and watched it being reported on the evening news. it's in my world, it's in this world. i'm not sure, but i think another girl in the class may be thinking about the same thing. she is afterall HT's batch.

the aftermath of a suicide has quite a significant effect on the ppl around. the saddness of the sudden departure, the guilt and shame of not doing anything. it leaves a certain shock, with a lingering gray clouds that hover in the mind for a while. suicide isn't something one should think of often. whether is it about others, or yourself.

anyway, been watching and just completed 2 korean dramas. both having the same male lead. first off is personal taste, and the interest got me watching boys over flowers, the korean drama that i believed was a big hit when it came out. then i believed it was probably cuz of the four handsome male actors. after watching it, the plot was more than enough. simple, but touching.

personal taste is a story about a girl who easily believes ppl, and a guy who is ever so striving to succeed in his career. in a few turns of events, the guy was mistaken as a gay which allowed himself to live together with the girl. the story follows as the guy helped the girl to recover from a broken and truly cruel relationship and also turned her into someone better. along the way, the guy helplessly fell in love. many funny scenes came on with the theme of the gayness. but also becuz of this theme, i found it the most touching when the girl actually told him she would marry him, even if he's gay, just so he would be able to face his family and the society. while watching that scene, this question came to mind. can someone really love another that much? so much so that she/he is going to give up finding someone who is able to give them a normal love, and to give their heart to someone who is never gonna be able to do so in return. just becuz they want to stay beside the person. just becuz she loves him that much.

boys over flowers, and i still don't really get the meaning of the title. does it means the boys turn into flowers? or the flowers somehow refer to the girl? anyway, it's a story with stylish guys and a normal girl. the most special part of this drama in my view, is perhaps the love triangle that plays out so nicely btw 2 of the F4 members and the girl. one, who is always there for her like a guardian angel. when she's down, when she's in trouble, when all sorts of problems was happening btw her and the main guy, this guardian angel gives comfort and encouragement. the other guy, who's ever so aggressive in his approach initially, became the person to actually save her from dangers. sort of a different situations than the guardian angel. as described in the story, 1 is a soulmate, the other is a lover. there was one instance which i got rather teared up. but it wasn't becuz of the love btw the 2 leads, it was the guardian angel. there was a part in which the main guy saved him from being knocked down by a car, and before he became unconscious, he told the guardian angel along the line of if he have to give the girl away to a guy, it had to be him. it's the desperation of the guy, to have the determination to give the girl up for a guy who loves her so much more. and not just any guy, but a very precious and dear friend. and from the looks of it, he put the blame on himself when the male lead woke up forgetting about the girl and went to befriend a bitch. favourite scene was at the end, when the girl decided to give the guy an ultimatum by falling into the pool and drowning herself. quite touching. and the fact that when she fell in, she went to recover the necklace that was given by the guy, which she threw in earlier to kinda signify an end to the relationship. shows that even though she tried to give it all up, she still can't let it go somehow.

both dramas were great. i kinda preferred boys over flowers, becuz it gave a much longer happy ending and also it lasted longer over 25 episodes compared to 16 episodes of personal taste. dramas tend to leave an unsatisfying thirst for more at the end when you finished it becuz sometimes it just increased the pace of events towards the end. kinda like, oh it's ending soon, let's just speed up and get it over with. of cuz i have the same feelings for both, but it was much stronger in the case of personal taste. but then again, i'm deeply amused by the humor shown in personal taste which is much more enjoyable than boys over flowers. the music was nicer too. but even so, the story of personal taste was definitely less complete than that of boys over flowers. so holistically speaking, boys over flowers is still my preferred drama.

i have gotta watch less dramas. not so much of having more time for studying, but more of it's keeping me up till 3 am becuz i can't seem to stop myself. haha..