tired eyes

after 2 days of mahjong, my eyes are getting tired.

weeks after weeks it became clear my week is mostly occupied. work on the weekdays, friends on the weekends. i hardly ever have time for myself, or others. although there are not many others, but perhaps i should do some intiation of some sort.

sch's starting in another month. lots of personal stuffz still left undone. haha. procrastination, or just no motivation?

Dreams & Passion

some time ago i began to theorize that and also justify the reason behind my seemingly dreamless sleep is becuz i'm lacking of passion in life. i'm just floating along space and time, neverminding the far end of the future and the surrounding much. lacking in a little passion and motivation.

decided to do those things i wanted to do since long ago.

and indeed, weird dreams came along.

some things

after all these years, i began to justify her absence with my own reasons which i held very true to.
there are certain things i can't give.
i can't present to you all my feelings, becuz if so, i'll be weak infront of you.
i can't show you my past, i have too much to hide.
i can't give you your present, the past future is in every way similar, but no way possible.
a man without his truth. still searching, still seeking.
i am not done with myself.

lend a hand

many a times i give all out to help a friend in need.
if there's anything i can do for you, i'll do it.
that's my stand, those are my words.

but recently i've rejected the offer to help
and it always bring me back to what the fortune teller told me
there's a limit to helping other ppl
if you just keep giving help, in the end you're the one who's wasting time and energy on someone, something, that is eventually not worth it.
is that true?

it feels bad and guilty to not lend a helping hand when they need it
particularly for me.
i don't like to ask others for help unless i got overwhelmed.
and asking others for help proved to be more than a simple task of just opening my mouth.
is it a signature of weakness that i thought i'm displaying?
the stereotype of help is given only to the weak may be a bit over
those who need help may not be weak.
similarly i guess, those who are weak may not need help either.

the truth behind her request is something in which if i don't know, my reluctance grows. uncertain of the unknown, and with a history, my hands tighten, my heart hardens, i rejected the offer.

the guilt will wear off. it did so the last time i refused to release my hands.
but it always come around, when she asked for it again.

i ate braised pork noodle, then alfredo for lunch. i'm still full 2 hours before dinner time.

First Undisputable Regret

妳是我第一个后悔的记忆。

1st ICT 150609 - 190609

didn't know officers will become so busy from day 1 onwards.
my body is aching, heating up, and feeling worn out.
tml's mob. just get it over and done with.

the most fruitful thing that comes from this ict is probably the chance to interact with men from various background, companies, formations, histories... stories.

if i can lose all feelings and emotions

sometimes i wish i can forgo all that's inside
to measure everything objectively
to see everyone as tools
friends, family.
love suddenly becomes a well-defined subject.
for the sake of continuing mankind, sex
in order to follow the norm
to be seen as a success in all aspects of life

i will not feel happy
the smile on my face is just being polite
i smile, simply becuz you smile
i can feel no pain
heartbreak means nothing in the objective measure
i shall appear calm and unshaken at the deaths or ending of relationships
my heart doesn't race anymore
no sexual exposure can get my adrenaline flowing
no attraction can set my hormones going
no one can get me wanting
i have no desires

i void myself of all smiles and tears
open a black hole and empty my heart
my mind is only for intellectal thinking
my heart is for beating
my eyes see not humans but bodies of flesh roaming on grounds
my ears hear not words but noises from the back
even my greatest enjoyment of taste diminish till food turns into just solid
i am alive, dead, a living dead and a dying life.

if.

anyway, i'm tired of waiting for the treat to actually arrive with words of confirmation. i asked for the sake of asking. not in the mood to feel happy from a treat. so, save it till next time, when i'm in a lighter mood.

i can't allow myself to express freely my every thoughts. sensible or nonsensical.
for that kind of 'honesty' will only devoid myself of people, even closed.
i may hint to you in subtle ways, obvious signs, or pray somehow you read my mind
but to tell my very truth, you can wait till the sun dies.
i can appear unfazed, untroubled, strong on the front
perhaps to protect, i have no idea what's inside.
weak or strong, weak or strong. what's weak and what's strong.
does ppl even bother to define? does it warrants a definition?

sometimes i write so much nonsense.

without a name

got reminded of the few motivations that i have during my sierra days.

not sure what to blog.

didn't get into hall, heng. money stay in pocket, safe.

dead dog

saw a dead dog the yesterday while visiting ah ma.
white fur in a pool of red.
wonder what happened.

一个人的感觉

have you tried being alone
to know how it feels to have nobody by your side
when you were overjoyed and there's no one to share
when you were in despair and have no one to turn to

the eyes of stereotype when you are sitting alone for dinner
in a crowd of couples, you are singled out as an individual
the feeling of one
the feeling of only

alone or lonely
comes together, or separate

i don't wanna be lonely.
i just wanna be alone.
if i can't be alone without feeling lonely,
then i'll recall the feelings of having companionship
if i am lonely but not alone,
then leave the group and join the crowd

changes

don't give me last min changes
i hate it when there are

don't give me half-hearted agreement
i need a whole, not a halve

don't give me that shitz that you're doing me a favour
it's a 2-way traffic, you're just looking at one way