Saturday, February 28, 2009

isn't this interesting?



~from erm... some other blog. forgot where.

Friday, February 27, 2009

i'm the one who's feeling lost, right now.

i won't forget the way you're kissing
the feelings so strong were lasting for so long
but i'm not the man your heart is missing
that's why you go away i know

There is so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

~some lyrics from "That's why you go away" by Michael Learn to Rock.

listening to old classic love songs in the early morn~
had to cancelled my tuition on monday night becuz i found that it was too rush.
got a presentation on tuesday and test too. 3 tests, i only read the txtbk of one. and one of them got 2 txt bks to read up. -_- and the next one i'm gonna read got 300+ pages to read thru. -_- i hate procrastination when tests are near.

now let's put this kind of feeling into something i've been reading for my test.
cognitive dissonance. for those non-psychos, you probably have no idea what's this. it's something like... your behaviour doesn't matches your attitude, doesn't go along with it. for example, you, or me, saw a beautiful female stranger lying on the bed, naked. however, you didn't do anything. why? was it that you're gay? most probably not. your mind should be thinking "Let's do it!". but your behaviour ain't showing it. what's stopping you? also beside the mismatch btw behaviour and attitude, you will also be feeling distress on the whole thing. now, humans will tend to try to reduce this distress by a couple of methods. but i will just state one of them. there's probably a need to justify you not doing it. your own values (morals, ethics) or your other attitudes (the lady might have aids), etc. if the justification is significant enough, then, you won't do it.

if not, then wtheck.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Revisit "what do you care about?"

i briefly browsed through my archives of 2007 and came across this particular post.
reread the whole poem, or whatever it's called being written that way. was rather surprised by my own words. must be feeling terrible that time.

another surprise is someone commented on it, compliments. thanks to her, or him.

now that i think about, i hardly have time to think about my own feelings, my own thoughts on different issues. as a psychology undergraduate, objectively i feel that i should be able to have more insights into issues. subjectively, my thoughts are in a mess from reading stuffs off my textbooks. haha... indeed, one cannot fully understand the work of 2 months within 2 days.

it's a joy teaching maths. really.
especially primary sch maths.
those kids are always blur when it comes to new or complex questions, or qns that seemed to have no link or patterns at all.
now, turn that face into a "ah-ha!" face.
that's where the joy lies.
besides, i like maths too much. haha...

Monday, February 23, 2009

some way to relax

woke up damn early today.
last night was tossing and turning, somehow the temperature is not right.
i have to resort to air con to get some sleep before the early morn.

after brushing, came zx.
it's been some time since i saw him.
grown up quite a lot. can walk on his own, listen to some instructions.
spent some time with him in the evening as usual when i'm home on the weekdays.
there are few things he doesn't learn though.
my bed is too high to get down from.
don't play with the darn fan, it's not gonna hold your weight.

i kinda forgot abt the morning rush.
so i stood all the way to lavender, damn sianz.
next, i walked the general direction, missed the place, and ended up near nicoll highway. 2nd sianz.
i took a cab, the driver dropped me at some place which i have walked, said it's across the street. i crossed the street, and looked around. where? 3rd sianz.
i saw boats finally, walked towards it. turned out to be dragon boat association. 4th sianz.
wandered further and found a sports club. thought that was it. but, it wasn't. 5th sianz.
lost all hope and started to walk back, planning to head home early since i'm like 90min late. suddenly, i saw a sign, "water venture -->" i saw light~ finally, after running around like an idiot in slippers and a 1.5l bottle of water.

expedition was okay, not really interesting. lots of dead fishes. hard to control, somehow the canoe kept shifting towards the right, left paddle was wide i guess. didn't capsize, by far the only time i went on expedition without having capsize drill. tiring though, towards the end my arms weren't working much. and it was just a short one. i used to be able to even cheong towards the end when i was younger. haiz... well, perhaps it's the company that i didn't really enjoy it. afterall, one of the females asked me "are you from ntu? how come i never see you in hall before?" amusing, funny and interesting. been asked that qns a couple of times already. i feel like going back home to stay again, mum's cooking, zx, plus perhaps another baby girl coming in, no need to do laundry, nice comfy bed, no need to sleep with the table light on becuz tan's noctural, enjoy time alone and with the things needed to do my own stuffs, be lost in my own thinkings, just like before. but well... in hall i get to play darts. so, hall.

his smile just brightened up my day.
i wonder how babies have that magic on me.
but definitely not on vian. haha.
he said a lot of gibberish to me while i was on the com. mum was telling him i don't get what he was saying. first thing is i don't know if he knows what my mum was talking abt. second thing is i seriously don't get what he's telling me becuz he's just making that same "ti-ke-ti-ke" sound over and over again while walking from my left, then to my right.

anyway, some things have to put on hold at the moment.
i'll find some time after the mids.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Me

well well..
i realised something stupid.
i actually put my display name as 'Me', which i forgot.
and i thought it showed 'Me' becuz i'm logged in to my own acc or something.
haha...

so anyway,
i've been labelled the shitz stirrer.
plus fullstopper.
well, what do you know?
i'm the devilish being that loves to create troubles, and better yet, without a partner to help me with.

maybe i've been avoiding saying the main things.
in turn, i say a lot of lame things.

i think it's time.

yoz liang

hey, you looked at my blog! nice.

well, yup. money is what i want.
the point is, why you didn't jio the rest on the hongbao thing also?
it wasn't a group effort.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

thinking in my shower.

was thinking during my shower just now.
abt the stupid conversation i had with her.
and abt his behaviours.

it takes 2 to clap.
ppl likes to use this phrase to describe a relationship.
not only in love, but in friendship.

i reflected over some of his actions and found that his priority or thoughts were already diverging away from a group, our group.

in the tight group that we have, it's a consensus among us to do things, together.
taking birthday gifts for example. we tend to buy one gift as a group. as said, it'a a consensus, there's not really a need to say it out. most of the time we're just waiting for someone to initiate buying a gift, and then waiting for some of us to be free to shop and finally buy it.

but he however, doesn't think of it this way. perhaps maybe for just one example, which is their gift to me. i admit, personal gifts are really fine. for close friends, that's very fine. but the fact, or it seemed to me, that we belong to a tight group, but not that close personally since we hardly interact nowadays. a personal gift or a gift by the whole group, i think the latter is a better choice. the reason behind may be he wanted the gift to be timely, no delay, right on the birthday. even so, i think he didn't ask the group what are they getting. why not a group action, but a him-her-and-her action?

i'm lazy to continue on... today is a tiring day.

By far

i don't think i have felt so deeply touched in my life before.
becuz of a movie.
becuz of music.

August Rush.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

communication barrier

i feel like strangling her.
she don't get me, i don't get her.
a totally unwanted conversation that originates from a rather unrelated qns.

gatherings are meant for friends who haven't seen each other for some time to come together and talk, relax and have fun. DARN IT!

how can she be both sensible and insensible altogether at the same time?

志不同不相为谋

evidence of the past.

and i said to useless myself, TMD.

it's pretty strange how i came to predict my own emotions in my nick before this.

~not again, not now, not you~

J is not nice to talk to when he's busy with reports, rmb.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

belong

talking abt belonging...

during the starting of army life, i was practically alone. wandered away from the guys somehow becuz of stupid dispute.

i didn't have much other than my army buddies. when i'm out of camp, i'm just one person. the guys played soccer, i didn't. the cadet's training just gave me sufficient excuse to sleep a little longer and rest a little more over the weekends.

i stayed at home. i played stupid games. i went out alone.
not many to talk to, not many to confide.

soon, i was feeling out of the group totally. just on my own.
there wasn't a her in sight either.

but somehow i got back. i forgot how, maybe naturally we're still as before.
i got closer. suddenly, i belonged. perhaps becuz i have more free time after commission.

there are social groups which i don't feel belonged to. especially in hall. sometimes it's hard to change an image after the first.

but whatever the case, this group has been built upon years of soccer and idiotic acts. coupled with the recent emoness. somehow, it felt safe, like a homebase to return to.

Monday, February 16, 2009

randomness

往事是记忆
她已是过去
现在的心情
那天的回忆

早来的情意
迟来的自觉
后以后觉后
不知不觉结

free?

it's been too long and too idiotic.

i'm not free to free myself.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Eve

today's the eve of valentine.
nope, still no dates. and not looking. haha...

many projects going on at the same time.
i'm around 1.5 mths behind on readings and studies.
all i can think of is playing soccer and mahjonging. muahahaha
plus badminton and basketball.

i might have talk too much at the meeting just now with my project group.
somehow, crap started coming out from my mouth and i was setting up the project outline.

now is resting time before tutorial, and then after that another meeting.
weekend should be having another online meeting to finalise another assignment.
also need to go online to post discussion regarding another assignment.
report 1 is due next friday.

i don't think valentine is a good day.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

没有如果

这歌让我想起到一个我从来不易做的事。

~
如果我說 愛我沒有如果
錯過就過你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當藉口 那愛是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛沒有如果 真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼 還怕什麼 快牽起我的手

有人說 世界上最遙遠的距離不是生與死
而是我就站在你面前 你卻不知道我愛你

我常說 如果人類連愛一個人都被自己綁住
那世界末日已來到 不需要等到地球毀滅掉的那天
~

原来那句最远的距离真的可以那么动人
以前还以为只是一句似浪漫,非浪漫的句子

在爱情里,我们是否真的失去那么多的机会
只因为我们不敢走出那一步
对自己而言,我的一生未曾走过那一步。
哈哈。。我笑我自己的胆怯。
可能我失去的,比我想象的还多。

如果你不敢去争取,去勇敢地表白,那世界末日对你来说已到了。
我想。。。我已不知死了多久了。
我的冲动早已化成止水。
没了冲动,哪来的行动。
只有心动。

当你看见她与他离你远去,你会有如何感想?
然后问自己,是否有表示过?
没有。
后悔。
如果当初?有人教会了我,这问题,不是问题。

所以我决定
不问,不答,不想。
无视,无情,无心。

今晚
心有点酸,有点痛。
压着的感觉。。。

assg 2

just spent almost 4 hours in the library with my groupmate doing the stupid email assg. most of the time, we're stoning. the rest of the time, she's saying some weird things that fascinates me.

and something must be wrong with the air-con, kinda warm at where we were seated.

anyway, i believed this is my first time hearing someone said to me in a happy tone, "i'm attached!". haha... surprisingly, but true, i can't remember anyone who said that to me. i remembered when i got attached, haha... it was more of a hush-hush thing.

the period just after begin attached always feel wonderful. mine was, and my groupmate seemed happy enough, humming 'can't fight the moonlight'. the nice feeling that someone belongs to you and you belongs to someone. 归宿感 as some may described.

somehow, i felt a tinge of happiness when i saw her smile. looks like happiness like to spread.

it's nice to get attached this period just before vday. it's like some event to enhance the magical feeling, giving the blossoming love a little more nutrients.

and why do i believe in this? no idea. didn't work at all for me. hahaha..

Sunday, February 8, 2009

1st time

i'm wondering if i can call this my first time getting negative response.
it's really neither here nor there. haha...
as stated in the sch's monthly publication, it's also Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D)

headache after morning soccer. tiring, plus i'm down with my very tired legs.

went to visit ah ma yesterday and today after soccer. she's down with the leg problems again. had some trouble with the nurse becuz she refused to give ah ma her breakfast, saying that she already had what my uncle brought over. then when my uncle said the meal is paid for, and he demanded it, the stupid nurse said no more. wtf. alpha mike kilo hospital, very very nice service there. in the end my uncle scold until they prepare the breakfast. haha.. all of us weren't there, just my uncle. if i was there, i will KNNBCCB them. but there's a dilemma though. she's mistreating you, but she's also taking care of you.

resolutionz... i'm still trying to hold on to that.
the reason why her image got stuck the whole day, no idea.
i don't like seeing impossible things in my dreams.
but at the same time, i crave for them.

life's a dilemma, most of the times.
love's a ?. she has no idea what you're thinking abt. and you have no idea what's on her mind.
i think i like maths better than love.
but love brings more joy than maths.

worth the risk? yup. nothing can ever replace that feeling of closeness both physically and emotionally.

Friday, February 6, 2009

a rare occurence

usually i don't remember my dreams.
but yet the previous night, i can still remember some of the images.

i dreamt of her.
maybe becuz i thought i saw her in sch.
she didn't notice me, i noticed her.
close and far.

i knew i was dreaming when the dream occured.
somehow it came naturally to me, "it's not gonna happen dumbass"
but still i found comfort and sweetness in them.

sometimes, i thought to myself.
i lead a rather sad life.
hahaha...
that's so true when it comes to this.

some ppl prefers to love once than never love before.
i'm not those ppl.
if each heart breaks give so much misery,
why is ppl searching for them?

taking the risk for what it's worth.
but is it worth that much to risk for?
just read an article on something to do with metacognitive abilities.
ppl favours difficult things in attaining certain goals under some conditions.
applies to relationship?
heart breaks after another, to get what you finally deemed the life partner?

if so, why is the divorce rate so high?
have human tolerance thinned along with revolution? evolution? technological advances?
or, our abilities to identify a suitable partner has somehow decreased from our ancestors?
perhaps in the fast-paced society today, we just let ourselves get much blinded in love when searching for the special one.

individuals are hard to study.
same goes for interactions between us all.
me for example, behaved differently with current moods, recent happenings, and more imptly, group of friends.
especially, in front of that her.
identity identifying, i'm still on that stage.

maybe i yearn too much to belong to someone, and vice versa.
this blog has too much of too many.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

invisible

it's okay if nobody notices me.
but it's not okay when you missed me in the crowd.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I

I am me
I am who I am
I am nobody else
I am myself

I can't be him
I can't be someone who's not me
I can't be what you wanted
I can't be ideal

But,
I can change myself
For better or for worse
For others, for you, for myself
Then, who am I anymore.

~ Some rubbish i wrote while i was listening to my Social Psy lect which was on the topic of self.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

~

i like the way you smile.
and that is why i like to be around you and make you smile.
that's all it takes to make me think of you.
night after night, you're there somewhere.
the image trapped in my mind, or am i trapped in some invisible walls of you.
i'm a coward.
give me a reason to back away.
no matter how lame, i'll take it at face value.

cny week.

this week is rather filled with events.
going out.. meeting late in the nights...
driving to kranji dam and saw scary female face.
fun, but it's taking a toll on me.
tiring.

gotta start studying for this sem.
something to kill time.