so now everyday i'm looking at her nick and guessing what she's thinking about, how's she feeling, what's her life now. basically i'm narrowing my avenues into her happenings in life through a simple msn nick restricted to x no. of characters. it's like peeping through the key hole. totally dumb.
what will it be tml? related to today? or totalty irrelevant? hmm... let's go a study. haha..
power shutdown for an hour today at work for maintenance. had a small chat with boss at the canteen for that hour. mostly i was talking. yes, in case anyone didn't know, i'm actually a talkative bastard. i'm sure ah hao has just confirmed it after i talked so long to him. and no, nobody really knows i talk a lot except for my pri school teachers. back then, i talk until the idiot chinese teacher has to call me up and ask me what pinyin is that word, and i anyhow hamtum becuz i don't really know what's he asking. now when did i stop talking?
was mostly talking abt army stuffs lah... what can i say, i've just orded 3 weeks ago.
confirmed my course, psychology. what do you think of the title... Doctor of Philosophy?
today i'm met with one of the most difficult choices of my life.
it's not the univesity course lah.
when i was walking up the stairs from bus interchange, a female wearing a dress was walking down, and i'm quite sure the length of the dress was not quite enough. in a split second, i have to decide, to continue look up like a normal person and risk seeing her zao geng, or stare at the stupid steps walking up, looking like an idiot trying not to be a pervert. hmm... what will you choose? i chose the latter.
here's a pondering question.
which will make you more depress or angry?
1. you found out that your partner is on bed with another
2. you found out that your partner has a deep emotional attachment to another. (something like she/he loves another, not just plain sex)
please choose one only, not both.
normally emails got those.. Pls scroll down for the answer right? i try it here.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
...........
ok, it's tiring pressing the dots.
surveys have shown, over 80% of the females chose 2 if i'm not wrong
60% of the males chose 2, while 40 % chose 1.
an very interesting finding is, out of the 60% of the males who chose 2, majority of them are still virgins. haha..
i chose 2.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
it's harder holding on than letting go
that's what i found out today.
letting go is just an excuse for every pain you felt, holding on, that's courage to hold on to hope.
on the way to work, i was listening to the radio on the bus.
98.7fm - > i was greatly influenced by cy to listen to english radio stations.
i blame her for my addiction now.
anyway, dy were talking abt the songs that were the moment of your life.
when you were heartbroken, depressed, lost in life...
then suddenly, a song came up.
you can relate so much of your life to the songs!
well, over the years, i'm sure many of us who listen to music often get this kind of sensation.
~oh my god.. i still miss her so much after the breakup... - aftermath of break-up
somehow the background music will be playing "i will rmb you, you will rmb me..."
~haiz... why she doesn't love me... - unrequited love/crush
"he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only reason ... "
~oh shitz, she has a BF! WTF? - love, but waiting
"can't help but wait, till you see, that with me it ain't the same..."
~ah... we quarrelled again.. should we just forget the whole relationship thing - inner conflicts
"hate how much i need you... and i hate how much i love you boy, i just can't let you go"
i just have to add in this one.
~that bitch dumped me! T_T why like that?
"this is the way you left me, i'm not pretending. no hate no love no glory, no happy ending..."
no matter what, once you feel hurt, the song will somehow relate.
i have a thinking some years ago when i felt the pain. the first time i felt the pain.
i guess the rest before was more of jealousy than anything else. haha...
well, once you're sad, you will try to relate to something else, and music is perhaps the most convenient source around. hmm... or maybe your friends, family, blogging. something to release that inner hurt you're feeling. keep it all inside, you will go crazy. i rmbed i was so sure of being able to contain the pain until i went crazy over computer games.
everyone knows what's being sad and depress is all about. somehow, when listening to sad songs, you will listen to the lyrics more, and relate them to yourself. the whole story of the song can be entirely out of point in your life, but if you ca find just 1 or 2 sentences in the lyrics that can relate to your sad past, you will feel, well, sad. definitely any love songs will do. even happy ones reminds you of the happy past, which makes you sad becuz it has passED.
sadness links the whole world. don't you agree on this? who cares abt the queen's bday? the jamaican runner broke the 100m sprints! woohoo~! no shitz, a thumb-sized 100GB thumbdrive! although i think a hell lot of ppl will be interested in the thumbdrive lah, but my point is...
sadness, depression, all these emotions are felt worldwide. look at 9/11. look at wars. hmm.. maybe it's becuz of the media coverage. i think this pov is too extreme liao. haha... and with little evidence.
recently, over the various radio stations, carlsberg has been giving away cash for ppl who called in. first it was 68, now it's 88. having a party on cny eve also. good way to earn money eh? just sit at home all and keep calling. it's not a daily thingy, it's like several times per day! so if it's like min 68... you're getting like 2040 a month! excluding the phone charges.
all i can think of on cny eve is asking her out to the bridge, and see the sparks and gleams when the clock strike midnight. well i done it before, but with another one. i rmbed that was not on the bridge. too late i think. i think i was late. hahaha... but it's a great feeling, to watch a beautiful show with someone you love. a better sensation would be both of you are together. best of all, you're in each other arms welcoming the new year, hoping this year will be like the last, or will improve, or just stay like that, hugging the person till next year comes along.
i have a crave for fireworks. it's too beautiful to miss.
don't think she will agree.
it irks me to think that becuz i'm not that someone special, that's why she doesnt want to go.
if i have feelings for someone, i will do whatever i can to spend more time with her. so inferring from her ever rejects of me asking her out, i'm like an idiot who has one-sided thoughts. even special occasions also rather go out with someone else. i bet valentine is just another dumb day to ask. oh well... i mean, take a chance right?
is it kinda sad for a person to only celebrate valentine once in his 20 years of life? haha... but there was once i spent it in Mac, studying. -_- and the one last year was kinda stupid also. the stupid part was on me. does every man goes around buying flowers on valentine for their loved? i wonder. the flowers just doesn't appeal to me. now the horoscope is wrong lah, this scorpio ain't near anything to romance. yes, i agreed the others are kinda true. i laughed at the romance part. although i felt that the jealousy part was an understatement. i'm full of it, wanna taste a sample?
letting go is just an excuse for every pain you felt, holding on, that's courage to hold on to hope.
on the way to work, i was listening to the radio on the bus.
98.7fm - > i was greatly influenced by cy to listen to english radio stations.
i blame her for my addiction now.
anyway, dy were talking abt the songs that were the moment of your life.
when you were heartbroken, depressed, lost in life...
then suddenly, a song came up.
you can relate so much of your life to the songs!
well, over the years, i'm sure many of us who listen to music often get this kind of sensation.
~oh my god.. i still miss her so much after the breakup... - aftermath of break-up
somehow the background music will be playing "i will rmb you, you will rmb me..."
~haiz... why she doesn't love me... - unrequited love/crush
"he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only reason ... "
~oh shitz, she has a BF! WTF? - love, but waiting
"can't help but wait, till you see, that with me it ain't the same..."
~ah... we quarrelled again.. should we just forget the whole relationship thing - inner conflicts
"hate how much i need you... and i hate how much i love you boy, i just can't let you go"
i just have to add in this one.
~that bitch dumped me! T_T why like that?
"this is the way you left me, i'm not pretending. no hate no love no glory, no happy ending..."
no matter what, once you feel hurt, the song will somehow relate.
i have a thinking some years ago when i felt the pain. the first time i felt the pain.
i guess the rest before was more of jealousy than anything else. haha...
well, once you're sad, you will try to relate to something else, and music is perhaps the most convenient source around. hmm... or maybe your friends, family, blogging. something to release that inner hurt you're feeling. keep it all inside, you will go crazy. i rmbed i was so sure of being able to contain the pain until i went crazy over computer games.
everyone knows what's being sad and depress is all about. somehow, when listening to sad songs, you will listen to the lyrics more, and relate them to yourself. the whole story of the song can be entirely out of point in your life, but if you ca find just 1 or 2 sentences in the lyrics that can relate to your sad past, you will feel, well, sad. definitely any love songs will do. even happy ones reminds you of the happy past, which makes you sad becuz it has passED.
sadness links the whole world. don't you agree on this? who cares abt the queen's bday? the jamaican runner broke the 100m sprints! woohoo~! no shitz, a thumb-sized 100GB thumbdrive! although i think a hell lot of ppl will be interested in the thumbdrive lah, but my point is...
sadness, depression, all these emotions are felt worldwide. look at 9/11. look at wars. hmm.. maybe it's becuz of the media coverage. i think this pov is too extreme liao. haha... and with little evidence.
recently, over the various radio stations, carlsberg has been giving away cash for ppl who called in. first it was 68, now it's 88. having a party on cny eve also. good way to earn money eh? just sit at home all and keep calling. it's not a daily thingy, it's like several times per day! so if it's like min 68... you're getting like 2040 a month! excluding the phone charges.
all i can think of on cny eve is asking her out to the bridge, and see the sparks and gleams when the clock strike midnight. well i done it before, but with another one. i rmbed that was not on the bridge. too late i think. i think i was late. hahaha... but it's a great feeling, to watch a beautiful show with someone you love. a better sensation would be both of you are together. best of all, you're in each other arms welcoming the new year, hoping this year will be like the last, or will improve, or just stay like that, hugging the person till next year comes along.
i have a crave for fireworks. it's too beautiful to miss.
don't think she will agree.
it irks me to think that becuz i'm not that someone special, that's why she doesnt want to go.
if i have feelings for someone, i will do whatever i can to spend more time with her. so inferring from her ever rejects of me asking her out, i'm like an idiot who has one-sided thoughts. even special occasions also rather go out with someone else. i bet valentine is just another dumb day to ask. oh well... i mean, take a chance right?
is it kinda sad for a person to only celebrate valentine once in his 20 years of life? haha... but there was once i spent it in Mac, studying. -_- and the one last year was kinda stupid also. the stupid part was on me. does every man goes around buying flowers on valentine for their loved? i wonder. the flowers just doesn't appeal to me. now the horoscope is wrong lah, this scorpio ain't near anything to romance. yes, i agreed the others are kinda true. i laughed at the romance part. although i felt that the jealousy part was an understatement. i'm full of it, wanna taste a sample?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
101th Post
why should one give up on something just becuz it's too hard to move on?
hahaha..
why let go of something stuck in my mind?
it's too tiring to give up.
i'm just too lazy, so i'll hang on.
hmm...
i was kinda thinking,
will loving another liberate oneself from the current love?
or will it be another affair?
i want relive my love for another.
one love that follows me through half of my life.
one day i might just go crazy again.
hand me my racket.
let me show you what i can do on the court.
hmm.. oh ya
abt the email, no reply came back.
just her advising abt my work.
知之为知之, 不知为不知, 是知也.
this is in the view of not pretending to know what you have no knowledge of.
sometimes i don't know if i can't do it, or my brain is just too overwhelmed with the infinite ideas. it's like the infomation got all entangled, and i'm struggling to untie every one of them. after talking to my boss, she don't really know what i'm confused about. i went home and thought hard, for a while. the next day i finished the damn survey. -_- although not really following what the professor told me, and boss is too busy to review it, i think that forms a certain base for me to improve on, rather than a blank piece.
sgforums have recently changed their outlook, not sure whether is it better now or before. found a forum regarding psychology. it's named the shredded mind. the forum was dead a few years back. hahaha... but a lot of good stuffs inside saying abt psychology. singapore isn't really the best choice for studying.
a while again, i'm really confused of what i want to pursue in life. i look around me, friends around have already made their choices. engineers, accountants, financial analyst, pilots, teachers, etc etc.. they have their interests, they have the aptitudes, they are on the way there.
then i look at myself. "SMLJ?"
seriously speaking, i thought of myself as a blackhole.
i suck every single shitz inside.
maths, biology, computering, engineering of all sorts, nanotechology, physics, chem, teaching, police, saf, sportsman, blah blah blah
my interest is the world.
but i can't take on the world.
i've chosen psychology. what a queer subject.
what will ever happen to me?
i can't imagine. haha...
everything comes, anything goes.
hahaha..
why let go of something stuck in my mind?
it's too tiring to give up.
i'm just too lazy, so i'll hang on.
hmm...
i was kinda thinking,
will loving another liberate oneself from the current love?
or will it be another affair?
i want relive my love for another.
one love that follows me through half of my life.
one day i might just go crazy again.
hand me my racket.
let me show you what i can do on the court.
hmm.. oh ya
abt the email, no reply came back.
just her advising abt my work.
知之为知之, 不知为不知, 是知也.
this is in the view of not pretending to know what you have no knowledge of.
sometimes i don't know if i can't do it, or my brain is just too overwhelmed with the infinite ideas. it's like the infomation got all entangled, and i'm struggling to untie every one of them. after talking to my boss, she don't really know what i'm confused about. i went home and thought hard, for a while. the next day i finished the damn survey. -_- although not really following what the professor told me, and boss is too busy to review it, i think that forms a certain base for me to improve on, rather than a blank piece.
sgforums have recently changed their outlook, not sure whether is it better now or before. found a forum regarding psychology. it's named the shredded mind. the forum was dead a few years back. hahaha... but a lot of good stuffs inside saying abt psychology. singapore isn't really the best choice for studying.
a while again, i'm really confused of what i want to pursue in life. i look around me, friends around have already made their choices. engineers, accountants, financial analyst, pilots, teachers, etc etc.. they have their interests, they have the aptitudes, they are on the way there.
then i look at myself. "SMLJ?"
seriously speaking, i thought of myself as a blackhole.
i suck every single shitz inside.
maths, biology, computering, engineering of all sorts, nanotechology, physics, chem, teaching, police, saf, sportsman, blah blah blah
my interest is the world.
but i can't take on the world.
i've chosen psychology. what a queer subject.
what will ever happen to me?
i can't imagine. haha...
everything comes, anything goes.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Time I let go
i suppose the time is up.
can't take no more.
it's causing me too much pain.
every step i get closer, i see more reasons to leave you.
but at least the truth is coming out.
better off, just a little more than friends.
can't take no more.
it's causing me too much pain.
every step i get closer, i see more reasons to leave you.
but at least the truth is coming out.
better off, just a little more than friends.
The lyrics
[Verse 1:]
Don't know where to start, something aint goin right
Feel it in my soul cuz I've tried (ooh baby)
Try to keep you satisfied (please don't cry)
I just think we both need time
[Pre-chorus:]
I just feel that we are in the same room
But living two worlds apart
And its causing to much pain
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go.
[Verse 2:]
See these tear drops fallin from your eyes (from your eyes)
That don't change my mind (mind oh ooh oh oh)
Please don't make things more difficult then they gotta be
I cant take no more, This is killin me
[Pre-Chorus:]
Every time I look at you
I see more reasons to leave you
And its causing me too much pain
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go.
Don't know where to start, something aint goin right
Feel it in my soul cuz I've tried (ooh baby)
Try to keep you satisfied (please don't cry)
I just think we both need time
[Pre-chorus:]
I just feel that we are in the same room
But living two worlds apart
And its causing to much pain
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go.
[Verse 2:]
See these tear drops fallin from your eyes (from your eyes)
That don't change my mind (mind oh ooh oh oh)
Please don't make things more difficult then they gotta be
I cant take no more, This is killin me
[Pre-Chorus:]
Every time I look at you
I see more reasons to leave you
And its causing me too much pain
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go
[Chorus:]
She said, "Baby can you please just stay?"
"It aint to late to work this thing out"
I said, "Girl this aint easy for me."
"At least the truth is comin out."
But she said, "Why cant we make up like the last time?"
"Im just afraid to hear u say go."
I said, "Baby Im sorry, I think its time we let go"
[female voice:]
baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave
tell me u'll stay, u'll stay
[male voice:]
I gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave
Girl I think its time we let go.
The changes of weather
felt like sending her an email.
so i sent it. hmm.. i would say... i'm kinda dumb. oh well~
i kinda thought of another meaning for breeze, rain & snow.
it represents the feelings, in a cycle.
Breeze
i enjoy this the most.
the cool air brushing against your entire body.
feel the wind taking away your fatigue and revitalise your very soul.
it gently reminds you to take a moment and have a good look around you.
gives me a smile just when i needed it.
that is probably how i started out with her.
slow and relaxing, calm and soothing.
Rain
it's the kind of weather that has both sides.
and after rain, comes the light. that's another side.
most ppl would hide away from the rain.
i would rather let the fluid drench my whole.
sunshine looks much appreciated after the dark clouds.
sometimes it's a light drizzle, others are thunderstorms.
all i hope is a rainbow, that may appear somewhere up there.
doesn't it seems like a part of relationship, up and down or merry-go-round.
the tears and tears you experience, thereafter is the joy and happiness.
the rain will come, if not sooner, then it's much later.
under the darkness, in the rain.
is that tears, or just raindrops rolling down your face.
Snow
white in its purest form.
pure in its whitest form.
it's formed by the tiny crystals of H2O, i think.
* * * * * * how's that for some snow? haha...
the feelings that were once fluid, solidified to this state of matter.
no more ups and downs, no more tears and tears.
no more joy and happiness, no more smiles and laughter.
all that is left, is just a frozen piece of memory.
cold, what do you expect otherwise?
some ppl can do so to their feelings.
keep them in the freezer compartment of their heart,
and just let everything turns cold.
too much to bear? too hot to handle?
my heart seems to be snowing in the month of Jan.
i like talking crap. it's kinda fun becuz you dont really need to hold back anything since it's all rubbish.
slowly freezing up my feelings. let's wait until the weather gets colder.
so i sent it. hmm.. i would say... i'm kinda dumb. oh well~
i kinda thought of another meaning for breeze, rain & snow.
it represents the feelings, in a cycle.
Breeze
i enjoy this the most.
the cool air brushing against your entire body.
feel the wind taking away your fatigue and revitalise your very soul.
it gently reminds you to take a moment and have a good look around you.
gives me a smile just when i needed it.
that is probably how i started out with her.
slow and relaxing, calm and soothing.
Rain
it's the kind of weather that has both sides.
and after rain, comes the light. that's another side.
most ppl would hide away from the rain.
i would rather let the fluid drench my whole.
sunshine looks much appreciated after the dark clouds.
sometimes it's a light drizzle, others are thunderstorms.
all i hope is a rainbow, that may appear somewhere up there.
doesn't it seems like a part of relationship, up and down or merry-go-round.
the tears and tears you experience, thereafter is the joy and happiness.
the rain will come, if not sooner, then it's much later.
under the darkness, in the rain.
is that tears, or just raindrops rolling down your face.
Snow
white in its purest form.
pure in its whitest form.
it's formed by the tiny crystals of H2O, i think.
* * * * * * how's that for some snow? haha...
the feelings that were once fluid, solidified to this state of matter.
no more ups and downs, no more tears and tears.
no more joy and happiness, no more smiles and laughter.
all that is left, is just a frozen piece of memory.
cold, what do you expect otherwise?
some ppl can do so to their feelings.
keep them in the freezer compartment of their heart,
and just let everything turns cold.
too much to bear? too hot to handle?
my heart seems to be snowing in the month of Jan.
i like talking crap. it's kinda fun becuz you dont really need to hold back anything since it's all rubbish.
slowly freezing up my feelings. let's wait until the weather gets colder.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
enough
now now...
stop crying.
you're getting no where with those tears.
the tears nobody will see.
cuz it bleed inside, rather than flows out.
hmm.. enough is enough.
okay, shut up.
stop crying.
you're getting no where with those tears.
the tears nobody will see.
cuz it bleed inside, rather than flows out.
hmm.. enough is enough.
okay, shut up.
the superior me. the inferior me.
the superior me.
i look upon myself as an exceptional individual.
nothing is unattainable in the world.
i create my own destiny, decide on my own fate.
go on the uncharted routes, surviving alone.
the inferior me.
i dare not look into the mirror, it reflects the other me.
weak in the heart, protected by a layer of lies.
there's an uncertainty in everything, and it's towards the negative side.
my use is of nothing, my existence is of void.
just me.
loving her is like playing poker.
to win, play big.
know when to back-up, know when to strike.
look at the others, their behaviours and speech.
that will show a lot, but pretence involved.
i usually feel like losing in poker.
sometimes for the fun of it.
can't control throwing those coins into the pool.
keep hoping the next card will be better.
loving her is like playing poker.
with the worst cards in hand, and having the hope that every next card will be better.
but things seem to take a turn somewhere.
a poker game has to end anyway.
to surrender or continue. that was a choice.
now the fifth card is out, can i still continue on?
i hate my jealousy.
i hate checking my phone for her msg.
i hate thinking abt her and then feeling stupid.
i hate falling asleep with her in my mind, the dreams can be so depressing when i wake up. like it's only a dream, nothing further.
i hate seeing her, and then feeling apart.
i hate missing her, and feeling left out of her life.
i hate loving her, and thinking she will never love back.
i have a lot of fears too.
i fear my own abilities to cope with the current work.
i fear my decision in the course of study will not provide a good future for me.
i fear i can't cope with university, psychology ain't exactly something i'm familiar with.
i fear my boss and the professor being not satisfied with my job. but i really hope they fire me.
i fear telling my boss i wanna quit, now.
i fear history is repeated, when she told me to let go.
i fear another history is repeated, when she asked me why i didn't stay.
i fear leaving her alone, when all she need is a ear.
i fear my feelings might get lost, and will never come back.
i'm just typing random things, while trying to kill time.
a part of myself would really like to kill another part of myself.
i look upon myself as an exceptional individual.
nothing is unattainable in the world.
i create my own destiny, decide on my own fate.
go on the uncharted routes, surviving alone.
the inferior me.
i dare not look into the mirror, it reflects the other me.
weak in the heart, protected by a layer of lies.
there's an uncertainty in everything, and it's towards the negative side.
my use is of nothing, my existence is of void.
just me.
loving her is like playing poker.
to win, play big.
know when to back-up, know when to strike.
look at the others, their behaviours and speech.
that will show a lot, but pretence involved.
i usually feel like losing in poker.
sometimes for the fun of it.
can't control throwing those coins into the pool.
keep hoping the next card will be better.
loving her is like playing poker.
with the worst cards in hand, and having the hope that every next card will be better.
but things seem to take a turn somewhere.
a poker game has to end anyway.
to surrender or continue. that was a choice.
now the fifth card is out, can i still continue on?
i hate my jealousy.
i hate checking my phone for her msg.
i hate thinking abt her and then feeling stupid.
i hate falling asleep with her in my mind, the dreams can be so depressing when i wake up. like it's only a dream, nothing further.
i hate seeing her, and then feeling apart.
i hate missing her, and feeling left out of her life.
i hate loving her, and thinking she will never love back.
i have a lot of fears too.
i fear my own abilities to cope with the current work.
i fear my decision in the course of study will not provide a good future for me.
i fear i can't cope with university, psychology ain't exactly something i'm familiar with.
i fear my boss and the professor being not satisfied with my job. but i really hope they fire me.
i fear telling my boss i wanna quit, now.
i fear history is repeated, when she told me to let go.
i fear another history is repeated, when she asked me why i didn't stay.
i fear leaving her alone, when all she need is a ear.
i fear my feelings might get lost, and will never come back.
i'm just typing random things, while trying to kill time.
a part of myself would really like to kill another part of myself.
it's just a joke. laugh it off. no joke.
sometimes i preferred to be with my army buddies.
jokes, laughter, talking cork, every now and then gathering.
but the person i wanna see, is not there.
most of the times, i preferred the guys.
but the person i saw, doesn't see me.
it's just for enterainment purposes.
to make the crowd go wild with claps and laughter.
spice things up.
it doesn't means anything.
i guess it doesn't, to you.
anyway, i suppose this blog has been viewed by ppl whom i don't know they are viewing it.
and some ppl linked me. cc told me she saw this emo blog. hmm... then i was thinking to myself... really quite emo. it's worse if i don't express it here. the wall might have a dent, maybe even a hole.
i worked on it till late afternoon. i forgot how is it like doing that dumb block a couple of years back. it's dumb becuz the workmanship is really not there, and it doesn't make any sense giving it. couldn't finish.. still gotta get some other materials... it's like... 2/5 done ba. 4 plus, i just lie on the floor of my room, slept. concentrating something from morning till then was a bit too much.. especially after a bad night sleep, which somehow seems like a fever with hots and colds. worse, i dreamt abt her and felt terrible when i woke up.
i enjoyed working hard for something, becuz i know the result is in my control.
but her, i don't even know what i'm working hard for.
i can't even sense the slightest assurance from her.
got reminded of my npcc.
they once asked... "why didn't you stay?"
although i feel that i belonged to this unit, but there's no sense of belonging.
the unit doesn't need me.
does she?
no regrets. that's how i felt that time.
now, there's more than just regrets involved.
i'm getting the same feeling like 2 years ago.
i shouldn't have done that.
but this time, i still have a choice.
the motivation suddenly just capped in the morning and dropped to below freezing point.
i don't feel like finishing it. i feel lazy. i feel the person will probably "oh okay... it's nice, thanks.".
and what i want, hmm.. i don't know what i want. more than that. more than words.
looking at the other side
surprisingly there's no feeling at all
she is still her, i am still me.
i giggled at the randomness of together.
haha.. funny but true.
can't rid of my self-centreness.
over the years i realise more abt this particular trait of mine.
just can't be bothered abt most ppl.
there's a lot of problems with me.
i identify them on the spot, and forget abt them when i moved.
i hugged the birthday girl, and kissed her thrice on the cheeks.
it's just playing ard.
don't take it seriously.
i hope i can.
it's weird to think that the first time we actually have a photo together is on her bday.
most probably the hugging scene, or the other three.
the last time we took it at yishun, was maybe 5-6 years ago at her yis house.
it wasn't published, the film has some errors or something.
i think i took with her mum also.
so tired...
all my crazy stupid ideas..
just come to show, you're not the only one in this world.
you're living in your own circular globe, with its own channels and radio stations.
and that is where i think i'm living in. my own dimension.
it's hard to understand anyone.
even harder sometimes, to understand yourself.
i ponders whether is it the past that hinders me.
or just that, at the moment, it's a confirmed failure.
or rather, it's disappointment after every step forward.
i don't understand her.
much less me.
tml is my final decision by the way. or is it, today.
jokes, laughter, talking cork, every now and then gathering.
but the person i wanna see, is not there.
most of the times, i preferred the guys.
but the person i saw, doesn't see me.
it's just for enterainment purposes.
to make the crowd go wild with claps and laughter.
spice things up.
it doesn't means anything.
i guess it doesn't, to you.
anyway, i suppose this blog has been viewed by ppl whom i don't know they are viewing it.
and some ppl linked me. cc told me she saw this emo blog. hmm... then i was thinking to myself... really quite emo. it's worse if i don't express it here. the wall might have a dent, maybe even a hole.
i worked on it till late afternoon. i forgot how is it like doing that dumb block a couple of years back. it's dumb becuz the workmanship is really not there, and it doesn't make any sense giving it. couldn't finish.. still gotta get some other materials... it's like... 2/5 done ba. 4 plus, i just lie on the floor of my room, slept. concentrating something from morning till then was a bit too much.. especially after a bad night sleep, which somehow seems like a fever with hots and colds. worse, i dreamt abt her and felt terrible when i woke up.
i enjoyed working hard for something, becuz i know the result is in my control.
but her, i don't even know what i'm working hard for.
i can't even sense the slightest assurance from her.
got reminded of my npcc.
they once asked... "why didn't you stay?"
although i feel that i belonged to this unit, but there's no sense of belonging.
the unit doesn't need me.
does she?
no regrets. that's how i felt that time.
now, there's more than just regrets involved.
i'm getting the same feeling like 2 years ago.
i shouldn't have done that.
but this time, i still have a choice.
the motivation suddenly just capped in the morning and dropped to below freezing point.
i don't feel like finishing it. i feel lazy. i feel the person will probably "oh okay... it's nice, thanks.".
and what i want, hmm.. i don't know what i want. more than that. more than words.
looking at the other side
surprisingly there's no feeling at all
she is still her, i am still me.
i giggled at the randomness of together.
haha.. funny but true.
can't rid of my self-centreness.
over the years i realise more abt this particular trait of mine.
just can't be bothered abt most ppl.
there's a lot of problems with me.
i identify them on the spot, and forget abt them when i moved.
i hugged the birthday girl, and kissed her thrice on the cheeks.
it's just playing ard.
don't take it seriously.
i hope i can.
it's weird to think that the first time we actually have a photo together is on her bday.
most probably the hugging scene, or the other three.
the last time we took it at yishun, was maybe 5-6 years ago at her yis house.
it wasn't published, the film has some errors or something.
i think i took with her mum also.
so tired...
all my crazy stupid ideas..
just come to show, you're not the only one in this world.
you're living in your own circular globe, with its own channels and radio stations.
and that is where i think i'm living in. my own dimension.
it's hard to understand anyone.
even harder sometimes, to understand yourself.
i ponders whether is it the past that hinders me.
or just that, at the moment, it's a confirmed failure.
or rather, it's disappointment after every step forward.
i don't understand her.
much less me.
tml is my final decision by the way. or is it, today.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
i don't really like mobile phones
last night i called once, the call didn't get through.
i redialled, it rang but wasn't picked up.
she must be getting a lot of calls then.
busy, from answering others.
my heart was racing when i called.
the adrenaline flowed when i thought of hearing her voice.
must be that i rarely call ppl up.
i lay on my bed getting ready to do up the project.
was tired so thought of just resting...
12.30am came. i checked the phone, nothing.
1am came. i checked again, nothing.
1.30am, i checked. nothing.
i heck care the entire thing and went to sleep in a very uncomfortable mood.
surprisingly i dreamt of her. -_-"
woke up at 6. i'm getting the hots and colds in the room. maybe getting sick.
vian msged at 8, woke up and start the project.
then now i'm trying to finish it.
probably can't complete by today.
tomorrow ba.
hands are tired.
my body feels weak.
the heart pumps fatigue.
i really don't know whether this means anything to her a not.
she might be thinking of another while i'm doing this.
but since i've started this whole thing,
might as well continue to finish it.
i redialled, it rang but wasn't picked up.
she must be getting a lot of calls then.
busy, from answering others.
my heart was racing when i called.
the adrenaline flowed when i thought of hearing her voice.
must be that i rarely call ppl up.
i lay on my bed getting ready to do up the project.
was tired so thought of just resting...
12.30am came. i checked the phone, nothing.
1am came. i checked again, nothing.
1.30am, i checked. nothing.
i heck care the entire thing and went to sleep in a very uncomfortable mood.
surprisingly i dreamt of her. -_-"
woke up at 6. i'm getting the hots and colds in the room. maybe getting sick.
vian msged at 8, woke up and start the project.
then now i'm trying to finish it.
probably can't complete by today.
tomorrow ba.
hands are tired.
my body feels weak.
the heart pumps fatigue.
i really don't know whether this means anything to her a not.
she might be thinking of another while i'm doing this.
but since i've started this whole thing,
might as well continue to finish it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
happy bday cs
well, it's a fcuked up day at work.
the project i'm working just got thrashed by the professor.
like.. ya, as if i know those things lah.
i havent use my brains for 2 years, and now you expect me to come out with a professional survey for the public, considering all the things that i'm learning from scratch now. i'm totally at a loss, blank.
that's it.
after this 3-mths project, i'm done with this shitz.
the place is far, it's not really fun.
most jobs are not really fun, but this is really not fun.
although boss is friendly, but it's not fun.
firstly, i feel super underpaid.
i'm bringing home 1.1k for doing this.
i might as well extend and go back to 42.
secondly, there's no job satisfaction.
becuz all the things i did is like... half-fcuked.
i couldn't find all the required data.
i don't know which one i should do myself, or should the boss be helping me in.
thirdly, i don't have the required thinking skills and knowledge.
LIKE I KNOW THE DIFFERENT SITUATIONS OF GIVING WAY ON THE ROAD?
i don't even have a car license.
you two have, i'm freaking blur.
how do i ask questions, when i don't even know what to ask?
anyway, happy bday to cs.
haha.. then tml is another 2.
maybe not going to sleep tonight.
the project i'm working just got thrashed by the professor.
like.. ya, as if i know those things lah.
i havent use my brains for 2 years, and now you expect me to come out with a professional survey for the public, considering all the things that i'm learning from scratch now. i'm totally at a loss, blank.
that's it.
after this 3-mths project, i'm done with this shitz.
the place is far, it's not really fun.
most jobs are not really fun, but this is really not fun.
although boss is friendly, but it's not fun.
firstly, i feel super underpaid.
i'm bringing home 1.1k for doing this.
i might as well extend and go back to 42.
secondly, there's no job satisfaction.
becuz all the things i did is like... half-fcuked.
i couldn't find all the required data.
i don't know which one i should do myself, or should the boss be helping me in.
thirdly, i don't have the required thinking skills and knowledge.
LIKE I KNOW THE DIFFERENT SITUATIONS OF GIVING WAY ON THE ROAD?
i don't even have a car license.
you two have, i'm freaking blur.
how do i ask questions, when i don't even know what to ask?
anyway, happy bday to cs.
haha.. then tml is another 2.
maybe not going to sleep tonight.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
if every subject has a gender...
then psychology is a girl.
lots of variables, many things to argue, in-depth.
and if i like something, i rather it be female.
psychology sounds sexy, doesn't it? haha..
but as sexy as it seems, i ask myself again...
is she the one?
everyone knows psychology is a dead end after 4 years in singapore.
unless you have the financial ability to go overseas, spent a few tens of Ks
and try your very best to get a master.
then again, i don't even have the confidence to get at least a 2nd upper.
1st feb is the final date.
what can i change to?
hmmm... i wonder why i just don't really take a liking to any engineering course.
all my life, my academics are modelled towards this kind of future.
and now i twisted it x degree where sin x = 1.
maths? nahz.. some things i just find it hard to get it right.
but i realise psychology needs a strong background on statistics.
after doing this taxi project for the whole week, it's part of the psychology thingy also.
as if next time i'm going to do these kind of analytical stuffs, and publish those reports.
siao liao.
i'm so dead.
it's like taking fm when you fail maths c, in year 2. so bad.
business? not for me. the risks i take, hahaha... i will go bankrupt very soon.
went to town with tan and xy.
i beat tan twice in daytona. the second time, he smashed his car right into the wall.
it was after a very nice tackle. haha...
wanted to watch movie, but nothing nice.
going back, we were talking abt the 7-11 near the ai where we used to patronise after soccer.
used to drink free big gulp, eat free... what you called that sugary, or salty sweets, or the bear thingy.
as usual, i went home alone. but... who don't go home alone? haha..
it always feel lonely when the wind is blowing.
the calm breeze always seem to remind that no one is by my side.
but i kinda like that, becuz i'm missing her.
yet i rather not, and be beside her.
i can almost confirm i'm giving up on it.
come on... where can i find the time to do?
that's bullshit.
when i concentrate and keep moving my hands, till the end of this i will rest.
it's silly to ask ppl what they want for bday.
but i just have to ask.
i know the content even before the reply came.
i don't know why i ask. i just do.
but if you ask me what i want, you.
it's weird to wake up at night, and first thing i check was the hp to see if she replied.
it never did happen, but i always check.
and i finally get disappointed after like 1 hour of semi-conscious, then i fall back to sleep.
wake up at 7, and check again. -_-
sometimes, i just like to be a bit of autism too.
some part of me, just don't get the social interaction part.
some part of me, get too attached to someone.
i'm tired... oh ya, saw chio bus today.
hmm.... good to be young. but i'm not a teenager anymore.
lots of variables, many things to argue, in-depth.
and if i like something, i rather it be female.
psychology sounds sexy, doesn't it? haha..
but as sexy as it seems, i ask myself again...
is she the one?
everyone knows psychology is a dead end after 4 years in singapore.
unless you have the financial ability to go overseas, spent a few tens of Ks
and try your very best to get a master.
then again, i don't even have the confidence to get at least a 2nd upper.
1st feb is the final date.
what can i change to?
hmmm... i wonder why i just don't really take a liking to any engineering course.
all my life, my academics are modelled towards this kind of future.
and now i twisted it x degree where sin x = 1.
maths? nahz.. some things i just find it hard to get it right.
but i realise psychology needs a strong background on statistics.
after doing this taxi project for the whole week, it's part of the psychology thingy also.
as if next time i'm going to do these kind of analytical stuffs, and publish those reports.
siao liao.
i'm so dead.
it's like taking fm when you fail maths c, in year 2. so bad.
business? not for me. the risks i take, hahaha... i will go bankrupt very soon.
went to town with tan and xy.
i beat tan twice in daytona. the second time, he smashed his car right into the wall.
it was after a very nice tackle. haha...
wanted to watch movie, but nothing nice.
going back, we were talking abt the 7-11 near the ai where we used to patronise after soccer.
used to drink free big gulp, eat free... what you called that sugary, or salty sweets, or the bear thingy.
as usual, i went home alone. but... who don't go home alone? haha..
it always feel lonely when the wind is blowing.
the calm breeze always seem to remind that no one is by my side.
but i kinda like that, becuz i'm missing her.
yet i rather not, and be beside her.
i can almost confirm i'm giving up on it.
come on... where can i find the time to do?
that's bullshit.
when i concentrate and keep moving my hands, till the end of this i will rest.
it's silly to ask ppl what they want for bday.
but i just have to ask.
i know the content even before the reply came.
i don't know why i ask. i just do.
but if you ask me what i want, you.
it's weird to wake up at night, and first thing i check was the hp to see if she replied.
it never did happen, but i always check.
and i finally get disappointed after like 1 hour of semi-conscious, then i fall back to sleep.
wake up at 7, and check again. -_-
sometimes, i just like to be a bit of autism too.
some part of me, just don't get the social interaction part.
some part of me, get too attached to someone.
i'm tired... oh ya, saw chio bus today.
hmm.... good to be young. but i'm not a teenager anymore.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
can't focuz
it's me and myself in office again. until william showed up later.
he treated me to lunch~! anyone that treats me food is a good man.
even that 50 cents ice cream from mac.
lucky there's him in the office.. or else i don't think i'll work at all.
i only work with people around, or when the deadline is tml.
becuz i know i can complete by tml.
but in this case, i don't even know when's the deadline.
i only know it's asap. haha...
no self-discipline at all. where did all my self-cultivation of 20 years gone to?
morning came a msg.
it's from my boss tell me to take calls for her while she's out.
and i thought it's her.
ya, she's the only reason why i'm wishing on a wishing star.
how would you feel, if your special one is getting all depress and crying, but not over you?
saw an interesting qns.
Pick the odd one out:
Women, Money, Pride
or maybe i remember wrongly.
one of these days.. i'm going to kill myself for expressing too much of my inner thoughts.
it's just wrong.
unless the person understands it.
scorpios like to hide a lot. if you don't know why, go bear a child borned under this sign.
i've got like 2 in my house. one is 20 years old, another one is 3 months. and i still don't get why his head is always tilting to one side and whenever i shift his head upright, he will seem so irritated and give me that "DON'T TOUCH ME YOU BASTARD" look. next moment, he might just cry. hmm.. babies don't actually cry, they just make the crying sound, no tears. and he doesn't even smile a lot. unless you talk nonsense to him. otherwise he's ignoring you, trying to eat his hand, and after a long while of nobody bothering him, will let out a cry to grab attention. if that's not enough, he will make a louder cry.
in my family there's 4 persons who like babies, or have grown to like them.
it's me, sis, dad and mum. dad especially.
and mum complain why he never treat me and sis like how he treat the baby, aeons ago.
sleepy, sometimes i feel like giving up.
it's like an impossible task.
then with determination and will, you find that you actually just don't bother to do it till the deadline is tml.
my procastination, yours autism.
he treated me to lunch~! anyone that treats me food is a good man.
even that 50 cents ice cream from mac.
lucky there's him in the office.. or else i don't think i'll work at all.
i only work with people around, or when the deadline is tml.
becuz i know i can complete by tml.
but in this case, i don't even know when's the deadline.
i only know it's asap. haha...
no self-discipline at all. where did all my self-cultivation of 20 years gone to?
morning came a msg.
it's from my boss tell me to take calls for her while she's out.
and i thought it's her.
ya, she's the only reason why i'm wishing on a wishing star.
how would you feel, if your special one is getting all depress and crying, but not over you?
saw an interesting qns.
Pick the odd one out:
Women, Money, Pride
or maybe i remember wrongly.
one of these days.. i'm going to kill myself for expressing too much of my inner thoughts.
it's just wrong.
unless the person understands it.
scorpios like to hide a lot. if you don't know why, go bear a child borned under this sign.
i've got like 2 in my house. one is 20 years old, another one is 3 months. and i still don't get why his head is always tilting to one side and whenever i shift his head upright, he will seem so irritated and give me that "DON'T TOUCH ME YOU BASTARD" look. next moment, he might just cry. hmm.. babies don't actually cry, they just make the crying sound, no tears. and he doesn't even smile a lot. unless you talk nonsense to him. otherwise he's ignoring you, trying to eat his hand, and after a long while of nobody bothering him, will let out a cry to grab attention. if that's not enough, he will make a louder cry.
in my family there's 4 persons who like babies, or have grown to like them.
it's me, sis, dad and mum. dad especially.
and mum complain why he never treat me and sis like how he treat the baby, aeons ago.
sleepy, sometimes i feel like giving up.
it's like an impossible task.
then with determination and will, you find that you actually just don't bother to do it till the deadline is tml.
my procastination, yours autism.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
at the edge, on the line
why every morning i keep hoping that a sms will come?
can't really focuz in the morning. got her on my mind for a while.
afternoon came my colleague, william. he wasn't around last week, was outside doing stuffs.
he's quite an old uncle, speaks english, seemed like a nice guy.
now there's 3 person in the office. wow.
so... boss asked me to come out with the survey questions.
now... i seriously have no idea. this is like doing project work all by yourself.
except for someone supervising you quite tightly.
was falling asleep to the end of the day... probably due to the late nights
mum has got a lump on the back... quite bad, may need operation.
i think the whole family she went into hospital the most.
so i told her i'll do cleaning up stuffs this weekend.
yesterday night i got kinda fed up.
i feel so... helpless.
felt the wind today. it's really nice.
told myself to let it go.
let go of the slightest hope that this will every work out.
whichever angle i look at this, it doesn't look like it is meant to be.
in the past, it wasn't.
at the moment, it's not.
sometime later, probably the same.
how did i ever land myself in this plot of quicksand?
i should have kept my feelings inside.
then she need not bother abt me.
and i will feel the purest of pain.
some ppl say love is giving and not expecting any returns.
bullshit.
if that's the case, then i should learn to love more.
~i am anyone but the one beside. you are everywhere but my world inside.
can't really focuz in the morning. got her on my mind for a while.
afternoon came my colleague, william. he wasn't around last week, was outside doing stuffs.
he's quite an old uncle, speaks english, seemed like a nice guy.
now there's 3 person in the office. wow.
so... boss asked me to come out with the survey questions.
now... i seriously have no idea. this is like doing project work all by yourself.
except for someone supervising you quite tightly.
was falling asleep to the end of the day... probably due to the late nights
mum has got a lump on the back... quite bad, may need operation.
i think the whole family she went into hospital the most.
so i told her i'll do cleaning up stuffs this weekend.
yesterday night i got kinda fed up.
i feel so... helpless.
felt the wind today. it's really nice.
told myself to let it go.
let go of the slightest hope that this will every work out.
whichever angle i look at this, it doesn't look like it is meant to be.
in the past, it wasn't.
at the moment, it's not.
sometime later, probably the same.
how did i ever land myself in this plot of quicksand?
i should have kept my feelings inside.
then she need not bother abt me.
and i will feel the purest of pain.
some ppl say love is giving and not expecting any returns.
bullshit.
if that's the case, then i should learn to love more.
~i am anyone but the one beside. you are everywhere but my world inside.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Pussy Willows
boss brought some chinese new year decorations into the office. there's a chinese basket with some biscuits and sweet inside, and the pussy willows that she spent some time beautifying it with red ribbons that she made from scratch. hmm... and the Hong Baos lanterns hanging ard the office are also made by her. haha.. i have an interesting boss. and she's weiyou's cousin.
sent a morning greeting. no reply.
something that i just don't get it.
can ppl get so busy and can't even reply to one simple msg?
nope, no ppl can get so busy.
to that person, my msg can be ignored.
now... why won't someone pierce themselves with knives?
it's either happiness or wake up from this bloody dream.
i've pierced myself, why am i not waking up.
guess i have no choice but to continue.
~when the racket is in my hand, in the court is where i show you my will
if i can see the shuttle, i will shuttle
if i can't see the shuttle, i will feel
if i can catch the shuttle, i will fight
if i can't catch the shuttle, i will die, fighting.
don't you feel powerful holding on to something you believe so much in?
i once felt that i can conquer the world.
sent a morning greeting. no reply.
something that i just don't get it.
can ppl get so busy and can't even reply to one simple msg?
nope, no ppl can get so busy.
to that person, my msg can be ignored.
now... why won't someone pierce themselves with knives?
it's either happiness or wake up from this bloody dream.
i've pierced myself, why am i not waking up.
guess i have no choice but to continue.
~when the racket is in my hand, in the court is where i show you my will
if i can see the shuttle, i will shuttle
if i can't see the shuttle, i will feel
if i can catch the shuttle, i will fight
if i can't catch the shuttle, i will die, fighting.
don't you feel powerful holding on to something you believe so much in?
i once felt that i can conquer the world.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
you know what's a tankini?
all i know is bikini. until nik told me abt it.
so a tankini is something like this:
http://www.sensuoushaven.com/tankini-with-boy-shorts-p-961
it's a sub version of a bikini; a tank top, hence "TANkini", i think the bottom can be the boxer shorts of the normal triangular thingy.
i kinda like the design above. but she said too... bright.
maybe i should give up this idea.
i spent some time last night scanning through the net for tankinis for her.
haha... some are really nice, and weirdly more expensive than bikinis.
more cloth=higher price? hmm... that doesn't make sense to the swimsuit industry trend.
well anyway, somehow i got to know her bust size and her mum has a nice description of her butt too. juicy. hahaha..
now seriously, i don't expect myself to calmy go inside the shop full of ladies clothes. and when we're talking about bikinis, the shop most probably have things like bras and panties ba. so... HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO BUY IT IF I REALLY WANT TO BUY IT?
it's worse than buying condoms. much worse.
i might just turn red without drinking a sip of alcohol. although i never knew i can blush before.
i forgot how i got the idea of buying a bikini or tankini for her.
it feels like it should be someone really close instead.
i'm just... not that someone i guess.
drop that idea ba.
oh shitz, it's work again tml. i forgot to do something.
and how am i going to finish up that project before sat?
4 nights, i only have 4 nights. i spent the whole day the previous time.
and i don't even know how to start the whole thing.
it's like building something you haven't plan for, nor have the knowledge to do it.
at these kind of moments... screw it. just whack.
all i want is her to be happy...
though preferably becuz and beside me.
if that somehow makes me a selfish and wishful bastard,
well, then let it be.
~if those are tears of love, don't wipe them off. show them.
so a tankini is something like this:
http://www.sensuoushaven.com/tankini-with-boy-shorts-p-961
it's a sub version of a bikini; a tank top, hence "TANkini", i think the bottom can be the boxer shorts of the normal triangular thingy.
i kinda like the design above. but she said too... bright.
maybe i should give up this idea.
i spent some time last night scanning through the net for tankinis for her.
haha... some are really nice, and weirdly more expensive than bikinis.
more cloth=higher price? hmm... that doesn't make sense to the swimsuit industry trend.
well anyway, somehow i got to know her bust size and her mum has a nice description of her butt too. juicy. hahaha..
now seriously, i don't expect myself to calmy go inside the shop full of ladies clothes. and when we're talking about bikinis, the shop most probably have things like bras and panties ba. so... HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO BUY IT IF I REALLY WANT TO BUY IT?
it's worse than buying condoms. much worse.
i might just turn red without drinking a sip of alcohol. although i never knew i can blush before.
i forgot how i got the idea of buying a bikini or tankini for her.
it feels like it should be someone really close instead.
i'm just... not that someone i guess.
drop that idea ba.
oh shitz, it's work again tml. i forgot to do something.
and how am i going to finish up that project before sat?
4 nights, i only have 4 nights. i spent the whole day the previous time.
and i don't even know how to start the whole thing.
it's like building something you haven't plan for, nor have the knowledge to do it.
at these kind of moments... screw it. just whack.
all i want is her to be happy...
though preferably becuz and beside me.
if that somehow makes me a selfish and wishful bastard,
well, then let it be.
~if those are tears of love, don't wipe them off. show them.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
the 2 faces that i dreaded most
the face who is always so confident of himself,
he let no others diminish his worth in life.
one of a kind, the leader among.
rise above the others, the vital link btw failure and victory.
his feats are of no ordinary history.
the face who is ever sensitive to the minute world,
yet he bear his heart naked in the presence of all.
many alike, foolish men.
hiding behind the layers of curtains,
his tears are all but the norm of life.
the many faces of the scorpio, which have you chosen to show or hide?
ppl shouldn't learn from me. all i teach are of pornographic materials, the condemned of the society, but also a faction of reality, in the image of its truest form.
he let no others diminish his worth in life.
one of a kind, the leader among.
rise above the others, the vital link btw failure and victory.
his feats are of no ordinary history.
the face who is ever sensitive to the minute world,
yet he bear his heart naked in the presence of all.
many alike, foolish men.
hiding behind the layers of curtains,
his tears are all but the norm of life.
the many faces of the scorpio, which have you chosen to show or hide?
ppl shouldn't learn from me. all i teach are of pornographic materials, the condemned of the society, but also a faction of reality, in the image of its truest form.
爱要怎么说出口
this song was the ending song of the famous gambling tv drama in singapore, first series.
i liked it then.
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说
怎么说都是错
你对我说
离开就会解脱
试着自己去生活
试着找寻自我
别再为爱蹉跎
只是
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能怎么做
怎么做都是错
如果要我
把心对你解剖
只要改变这结果
我会说我愿意做
我受够了寂寞
只是
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说
怎么说都是错
你对我说
离开就会解脱
试着自己去生活
试着找寻自我
何必为爱蹉跎
what a heart-breaking song.
i liked it then.
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说
怎么说都是错
你对我说
离开就会解脱
试着自己去生活
试着找寻自我
别再为爱蹉跎
只是
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能怎么做
怎么做都是错
如果要我
把心对你解剖
只要改变这结果
我会说我愿意做
我受够了寂寞
只是
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手
指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁, 多少愁
教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说
怎么说都是错
你对我说
离开就会解脱
试着自己去生活
试着找寻自我
何必为爱蹉跎
what a heart-breaking song.
i miss you...
woke up, and suddenly missed her.
suddenly felt like holding her tight.
suddenly wanted to make her all mine.
and suddenly, i couldn't let go.
yesterday went to cpt jeff's wedding after work.
went back to afs to get my cos.
Very Good.
can't blame them for giving me Very Good and not Outstanding.
my Outstanding effort was in 42, not afs.
loitered around toa payoh before going to cq.
it's those little chances of seeing that makes me wander around the streets.
this is what i call... foolish.
what does a special friend always means?
it means you're always just a special friend.
the meaning is easy to interpret, just that the person refused to interpret it the correct way.
i don't understand why this time i want to hold on.
every msg comes and i hope it's her.
every call that comes, and i know she will never call, but i still hope it's her.
every msn alerts, i hope she initiated a chat with me.
when will i understand that we're not meant to be.
when.
suddenly felt like holding her tight.
suddenly wanted to make her all mine.
and suddenly, i couldn't let go.
yesterday went to cpt jeff's wedding after work.
went back to afs to get my cos.
Very Good.
can't blame them for giving me Very Good and not Outstanding.
my Outstanding effort was in 42, not afs.
loitered around toa payoh before going to cq.
it's those little chances of seeing that makes me wander around the streets.
this is what i call... foolish.
what does a special friend always means?
it means you're always just a special friend.
the meaning is easy to interpret, just that the person refused to interpret it the correct way.
i don't understand why this time i want to hold on.
every msg comes and i hope it's her.
every call that comes, and i know she will never call, but i still hope it's her.
every msn alerts, i hope she initiated a chat with me.
when will i understand that we're not meant to be.
when.
Friday, January 18, 2008
thursday
IT'S THURSDAY.
TML HALF DAY GOT WEDDING
MAYBE TAKE GO BACK AFS TAKE MY COS
so far.
recieved the morning greeting again. hmm... just becuz i give a night msg ba.
it's what we call Li Shang Wang Lai.
regards,
J
TML HALF DAY GOT WEDDING
MAYBE TAKE GO BACK AFS TAKE MY COS
so far.
recieved the morning greeting again. hmm... just becuz i give a night msg ba.
it's what we call Li Shang Wang Lai.
regards,
J
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
2nd day
a morning surprise.
so what she's alright
i don't want to keep this hope high
how high can it get anyway
so what she's alright
i don't want to keep this hope high
how high can it get anyway
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
taxi
the whole reseraching on taxi. my mind going nuts.
who's the CEO of comfort?
managing director of premier taxis?
their address?
how's their organizational chart like?
and do you know there's something called the taxi services?
they aren't those specific to comfort, citycab, or silver cab.
dover taxi service, lakeview radio taxi service, etc.
http://www.listings.com.sg/list.asp?category=12&scat=TRANSPORT
they have a few cabs to radio to through their walkie talkie.
cabs from comfort, city, premier, smrt.
but the thing that i can't figure out is... there are already services from comfort, citycab, etc to book their own cabs. why the need for these other services? i don't understand. why? how they earn money? take from individual taxi companies? they are sponsored by some government party? how?
the learning stage is always so bumpy.
who's the CEO of comfort?
managing director of premier taxis?
their address?
how's their organizational chart like?
and do you know there's something called the taxi services?
they aren't those specific to comfort, citycab, or silver cab.
dover taxi service, lakeview radio taxi service, etc.
http://www.listings.com.sg/list.asp?category=12&scat=TRANSPORT
they have a few cabs to radio to through their walkie talkie.
cabs from comfort, city, premier, smrt.
but the thing that i can't figure out is... there are already services from comfort, citycab, etc to book their own cabs. why the need for these other services? i don't understand. why? how they earn money? take from individual taxi companies? they are sponsored by some government party? how?
the learning stage is always so bumpy.
Monday, January 14, 2008
all out of love
one of my favourite love songs.
classic.
~please love me or i'll be gone.
tml's first day for my first job.
technically speaking, pilot trainee was my first job.
haven't spoke to her since.
ate an apple today.
classic.
~please love me or i'll be gone.
tml's first day for my first job.
technically speaking, pilot trainee was my first job.
haven't spoke to her since.
ate an apple today.
Bleeding love
what a nice analogy eh?
Closed off from love
i didn't need the pain
once or twice was enough
and it was all in vain
time starts to pass
before you know it you're frozen
but something happened
for the very first time with you
my heart melts into the ground
found something true
and everyone's looking round
thinking i'm going crazy
and i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open
trying hard not to hear
but they talk so loud
their piercing sounds fill ears
try to fill me with doubt
yet i know that the goal
is to keep me from falling
but nothing's greater
than the rush that comes with your embrace
and in this world of loneliness
i see your face
yet everyone around me
thinks that i'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
but i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i....
keep bleeding,
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open
and it's draining all of me
oh they find it hard to believe
i'll be wearing these scars
for everyone to see
i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i...
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open and i....
sounds like her feelings.
i'm bleeding too.
Closed off from love
i didn't need the pain
once or twice was enough
and it was all in vain
time starts to pass
before you know it you're frozen
but something happened
for the very first time with you
my heart melts into the ground
found something true
and everyone's looking round
thinking i'm going crazy
and i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open
trying hard not to hear
but they talk so loud
their piercing sounds fill ears
try to fill me with doubt
yet i know that the goal
is to keep me from falling
but nothing's greater
than the rush that comes with your embrace
and in this world of loneliness
i see your face
yet everyone around me
thinks that i'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
but i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i....
keep bleeding,
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open
and it's draining all of me
oh they find it hard to believe
i'll be wearing these scars
for everyone to see
i don't care what they say
i'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein
that i keep on closing
you cut me open and i...
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
i keep bleeding
i keep, keep bleeding love
keep bleeding
keep, keep bleeding love
you cut me open and i....
sounds like her feelings.
i'm bleeding too.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Me to Her
walk on.
yesterday i said i'll hang on.
but today, i changed my mind.
i just realised something today.
deep inside, she still love him.
she's still looking for a chance with him.
i have no place in her heart.
if i leave, she will never ask me to stay.
but if he's back, she will beg him to stay.
that makes me redundant.
i can't help relating her words to him.
too much similiarities to think of.
i don't want to feel jealous anymore.
she would never feel jealous becuz of me.
jealous is a very strong emotion, especially in the blood of scorpio.
had a hunch they're still in contact.
now that really leaves me out.
haha... laugh it off, i told myself.
so i crack myself up watching whose line.
thanks to nik, the videos came in at the right time.
i die today to live tml.
for who am i, to wait for her.
when what she cares about, isn't me.
yesterday i said i'll hang on.
but today, i changed my mind.
i just realised something today.
deep inside, she still love him.
she's still looking for a chance with him.
i have no place in her heart.
if i leave, she will never ask me to stay.
but if he's back, she will beg him to stay.
that makes me redundant.
i can't help relating her words to him.
too much similiarities to think of.
i don't want to feel jealous anymore.
she would never feel jealous becuz of me.
jealous is a very strong emotion, especially in the blood of scorpio.
had a hunch they're still in contact.
now that really leaves me out.
haha... laugh it off, i told myself.
so i crack myself up watching whose line.
thanks to nik, the videos came in at the right time.
i die today to live tml.
for who am i, to wait for her.
when what she cares about, isn't me.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
21st bday
so many ppl having 21st bday parties in jan.
i just went to one. nice girls, nice food, nice cake.
then we were talking about our own 21st bday, just heck.
i can almost predict my bday. hmm.. family won't be around. i'm at home in front of the com playing game. friends msg happy bday! can watch R(A) movies liao! something like that.
almost the whole tankees went down tonight. nice gathering after ord, or after commission.
now 26 jan i have 2 events going on. hmm... and they are miles apart. don't feel like missing any of the 2.
so i bought the things... but i seriously have not much idea how to do it. it's still there in my room, inside the plastic bag. it's like i know i want to do something with it, but just don't know what. cheap thrills nik's bro called it. true. it's actually really quite cheap. now the feeling is like... putting money into the soft-toy grabbing machine in the arcade. you can almost confirm that you will not get the toy and your money will be wasted, but there's still a chance. and after the first time, you just keep doing it. so... when will i stop? haha... help.
or should i say... when will i get the toy? cheap thrills.
played basketball today on my own in the nearest basketball court i can find. the court is screwed up. and i got tired after 15 min of playing.
i think i should run. how far is it from here to yishun?
i just went to one. nice girls, nice food, nice cake.
then we were talking about our own 21st bday, just heck.
i can almost predict my bday. hmm.. family won't be around. i'm at home in front of the com playing game. friends msg happy bday! can watch R(A) movies liao! something like that.
almost the whole tankees went down tonight. nice gathering after ord, or after commission.
now 26 jan i have 2 events going on. hmm... and they are miles apart. don't feel like missing any of the 2.
so i bought the things... but i seriously have not much idea how to do it. it's still there in my room, inside the plastic bag. it's like i know i want to do something with it, but just don't know what. cheap thrills nik's bro called it. true. it's actually really quite cheap. now the feeling is like... putting money into the soft-toy grabbing machine in the arcade. you can almost confirm that you will not get the toy and your money will be wasted, but there's still a chance. and after the first time, you just keep doing it. so... when will i stop? haha... help.
or should i say... when will i get the toy? cheap thrills.
played basketball today on my own in the nearest basketball court i can find. the court is screwed up. and i got tired after 15 min of playing.
i think i should run. how far is it from here to yishun?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
hotdog and iced milo
so i downed one can of iced milo and i kept coughing after that.
i guess the flu isn't over yet. it's like 2 weeks. i think i'm lacking in vitamins.
2 job offers. which should i take?
wanted to ask her, she's busy.
haven't been using my free outgoing calls, so i thought of calling her. she's tired.
bought something to do. hmm... how to go about doing it, i have doubts.
and it is kinda weird bringing it home on the train.
most will be thinking, why he bought that for? -_-
visited vivo. went through some trails of memories.
and that shop doesn't sell those furry medium-sized cat paw anymore.
some shops seemed new.
i still like g-shock watches. looks good. wait until i'm rich enough.
the shop that sells chocolate doesn't sell lindt.
the dogs in the pet shop look damn pitiful. one looked dead.
ya, there, that spot, i hugged someone there.
i went down the wrong staircase to the carpark instead of the mrt, again.
it doesn't hurt.
it just felt wasted.
i guess the flu isn't over yet. it's like 2 weeks. i think i'm lacking in vitamins.
2 job offers. which should i take?
wanted to ask her, she's busy.
haven't been using my free outgoing calls, so i thought of calling her. she's tired.
bought something to do. hmm... how to go about doing it, i have doubts.
and it is kinda weird bringing it home on the train.
most will be thinking, why he bought that for? -_-
visited vivo. went through some trails of memories.
and that shop doesn't sell those furry medium-sized cat paw anymore.
some shops seemed new.
i still like g-shock watches. looks good. wait until i'm rich enough.
the shop that sells chocolate doesn't sell lindt.
the dogs in the pet shop look damn pitiful. one looked dead.
ya, there, that spot, i hugged someone there.
i went down the wrong staircase to the carpark instead of the mrt, again.
it doesn't hurt.
it just felt wasted.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The meaning of Love
What exactly is love? Is there an absolute meaning to the word - love? Or is it purely subjective? The concept of true love is what we search for all our lives. Yet love is one of the most misunderstood concepts of all. What people really want more tahn anything else is to be loved unconditionally; to be accepted for who we are, and still be loved.
Sometimes we will do some crazy things, in the name of love. Love is actually the choice one makes to put someone's wishes, desires, and needs above our own. many people confuse the word love with the meaning of the word want or desire. For example, sometimes when a young man tells the woman of his dreams, I love you, when he means that he wants her because of his own selfish desires. He's the one that may feel all excited over her, but in reality he may want her because of her physical appearance, or because of her mentality or her ability to make him feel good or important. Notice his primary motive for pursuing her is based on himself and his desires; not on pleasing her, although he may choose to please her, but that's only based upon the fulfillment of his wants.
The same goes for a young woman, when she says to the man of her dreams, I love you, she in fact means that she wants him because of his physical appearance, status, mentality or his ability to make her feel good or important. This usage of the word love for the meaning of the word want is ever so present in the way we use and abuse it. Since we are selfish creatures, and our understanding of love is to first be pleased, look at how this word is overused. - I love Papa John's pizza. - I just love Gone with the Wind. - I loved Titanic. - I love Jazz Music. - I love Beethoven. - I love The Island of Dr. Moreau.
To better understand the concept of love, lets define the value of love. Love is the most valuable commodity in the world. We all need love just like a fish needs water. Without love, life would not be worth living. With love in our lives, we are empowered beyong belief. Without love in our lives we will shrivel up and die a slow, painful and lonely death. Love is the very essence and core of our being. It is the energy that sustains who and what we are. Everyone in life has a deep-rotted desire to love and be loved. Many times people only recognize love in its emotional form. We might hear people on television say things like, I don't love you anymore, as they express their emotional feelings.
However, love is a lot more than what we feel. love is a spiritual form of energy that can be given or received in physical, emotional, or mental forms. Love usually starts in our thoughts, then spreads to the physical world through our actions, and then it will produce the emotional feelings. For example, it is possible to be angry with out spouse and force ourselves to do something nice for them in our actions, like buying flowers. Pretty soon our emotions kick in and after we see how happy our partner is upon receiving the gift, our emotions will follow. Love is a spiritual gift from a supreme force that starts mentally and finds its way to physical expression, but the emotional feelings we call love have very little to do with what love really is all about.
Furthermore, love can also come in healthy and unhealthy forms. Love is an energy that can be used in a positive, healthy manner or a negative, unhealthy manner. There is unconditional love, which is very accepting, supporting and forgiving. There is tough love, which is disciplined, authoritative and conforming. For example, if a father's son were using drug, he could unconditionally love him and accept his destructive behavior, hoping that he doesn't overdose and die. Or he could use tough love and put him in a rehabilitation hospital in an attempt to save his life. So as a result, too much tough love can be unhealthy, just like too much unconditional love can be unhealthly.
The acceptance of love also plays a role in better understanding the concept of love. Many times we give love to our partner the same way we would like to receive it. But loving a person this way might not be in their best interests. If our gift of love fails to promote the good in the other person, they might not like it and reject it. Other times we might expect to be loved by our partners in the same way we were loved as children by our parents. For example, if our parents made us feel loved by buying us things, we might associate loving actions especially in the form of gifts, jewelry, clothes and expensive toys. Our partner could be the most loving, supportive, compassionate, understanding and caring person in the world and it's possible we could overlook their loving intentions if they didn't come from a store.
In conclusion, to love other takes effort, and in some cases this can be very hard work. Ideally, we should also be able to love people who we don't particularly like or find attractive. This is not as unreasonable as it may sound, if we understand that love is not just a feeling, but it is expressed when we do something for another person that benefits their spiritual and emotional growth, which in turn helps them realize their full human potential.
Adapted from http://www.wowessays.com/dbase/af2/jai96.shtml
Sometimes we will do some crazy things, in the name of love. Love is actually the choice one makes to put someone's wishes, desires, and needs above our own. many people confuse the word love with the meaning of the word want or desire. For example, sometimes when a young man tells the woman of his dreams, I love you, when he means that he wants her because of his own selfish desires. He's the one that may feel all excited over her, but in reality he may want her because of her physical appearance, or because of her mentality or her ability to make him feel good or important. Notice his primary motive for pursuing her is based on himself and his desires; not on pleasing her, although he may choose to please her, but that's only based upon the fulfillment of his wants.
The same goes for a young woman, when she says to the man of her dreams, I love you, she in fact means that she wants him because of his physical appearance, status, mentality or his ability to make her feel good or important. This usage of the word love for the meaning of the word want is ever so present in the way we use and abuse it. Since we are selfish creatures, and our understanding of love is to first be pleased, look at how this word is overused. - I love Papa John's pizza. - I just love Gone with the Wind. - I loved Titanic. - I love Jazz Music. - I love Beethoven. - I love The Island of Dr. Moreau.
To better understand the concept of love, lets define the value of love. Love is the most valuable commodity in the world. We all need love just like a fish needs water. Without love, life would not be worth living. With love in our lives, we are empowered beyong belief. Without love in our lives we will shrivel up and die a slow, painful and lonely death. Love is the very essence and core of our being. It is the energy that sustains who and what we are. Everyone in life has a deep-rotted desire to love and be loved. Many times people only recognize love in its emotional form. We might hear people on television say things like, I don't love you anymore, as they express their emotional feelings.
However, love is a lot more than what we feel. love is a spiritual form of energy that can be given or received in physical, emotional, or mental forms. Love usually starts in our thoughts, then spreads to the physical world through our actions, and then it will produce the emotional feelings. For example, it is possible to be angry with out spouse and force ourselves to do something nice for them in our actions, like buying flowers. Pretty soon our emotions kick in and after we see how happy our partner is upon receiving the gift, our emotions will follow. Love is a spiritual gift from a supreme force that starts mentally and finds its way to physical expression, but the emotional feelings we call love have very little to do with what love really is all about.
Furthermore, love can also come in healthy and unhealthy forms. Love is an energy that can be used in a positive, healthy manner or a negative, unhealthy manner. There is unconditional love, which is very accepting, supporting and forgiving. There is tough love, which is disciplined, authoritative and conforming. For example, if a father's son were using drug, he could unconditionally love him and accept his destructive behavior, hoping that he doesn't overdose and die. Or he could use tough love and put him in a rehabilitation hospital in an attempt to save his life. So as a result, too much tough love can be unhealthy, just like too much unconditional love can be unhealthly.
The acceptance of love also plays a role in better understanding the concept of love. Many times we give love to our partner the same way we would like to receive it. But loving a person this way might not be in their best interests. If our gift of love fails to promote the good in the other person, they might not like it and reject it. Other times we might expect to be loved by our partners in the same way we were loved as children by our parents. For example, if our parents made us feel loved by buying us things, we might associate loving actions especially in the form of gifts, jewelry, clothes and expensive toys. Our partner could be the most loving, supportive, compassionate, understanding and caring person in the world and it's possible we could overlook their loving intentions if they didn't come from a store.
In conclusion, to love other takes effort, and in some cases this can be very hard work. Ideally, we should also be able to love people who we don't particularly like or find attractive. This is not as unreasonable as it may sound, if we understand that love is not just a feeling, but it is expressed when we do something for another person that benefits their spiritual and emotional growth, which in turn helps them realize their full human potential.
Adapted from http://www.wowessays.com/dbase/af2/jai96.shtml
Monday, January 7, 2008
a gift
i wanna do it again.
one more gamble.
if i can't make myself feel better by trying not to think of her
then i shall make something, to make me think of her.
one more gamble.
if i can't make myself feel better by trying not to think of her
then i shall make something, to make me think of her.
no appetite
felt quite dull since i woke up.
the only thing bright today is probably getting the job interview tml.
didn't eat much for lunch.
dinner ate one bowl of rice... mum questioned me abt it, i just said i have no appetite.
not sure whether is it the aftermath of the flu... or is she affecting me.
didn't bother to tell her my job interview tml, she didn't care about the last.
it's hard to keep myself from talking to her, and even harder for me not to think abt her.
i have no idea what's going on between.
but i know she's keeping mum about a lot of things from me.
her lies haunt me by the day.
just push me off the edge, and i'll be off.
the only thing bright today is probably getting the job interview tml.
didn't eat much for lunch.
dinner ate one bowl of rice... mum questioned me abt it, i just said i have no appetite.
not sure whether is it the aftermath of the flu... or is she affecting me.
didn't bother to tell her my job interview tml, she didn't care about the last.
it's hard to keep myself from talking to her, and even harder for me not to think abt her.
i have no idea what's going on between.
but i know she's keeping mum about a lot of things from me.
her lies haunt me by the day.
just push me off the edge, and i'll be off.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
My Sunday
2 years ago, on this date, i enlisted.
as i stepped into the shores of tekong, a big poster was hanging on the wall.
it depicts a guy and a girl.
my exact feeling then was, "what a joke."
what else can you feel when you got rejected.
didn't went soccer, tired. beside, there's facial appt.
pain. again.
got to know some good job opportunities from wy, if it goes well... thanks wy!
"who am i to you?"
imagine your crush says that to another person.
first you will be feeling, why your crush ain't saying that to you
then you will be thinking, who's that bastard that is hurting your crush
next you will be sitting in front of com blogging, and wanting to ask the exact same thing to her.
"who am i to you?"
are you worth my tears?
as i stepped into the shores of tekong, a big poster was hanging on the wall.
it depicts a guy and a girl.
my exact feeling then was, "what a joke."
what else can you feel when you got rejected.
didn't went soccer, tired. beside, there's facial appt.
pain. again.
got to know some good job opportunities from wy, if it goes well... thanks wy!
"who am i to you?"
imagine your crush says that to another person.
first you will be feeling, why your crush ain't saying that to you
then you will be thinking, who's that bastard that is hurting your crush
next you will be sitting in front of com blogging, and wanting to ask the exact same thing to her.
"who am i to you?"
are you worth my tears?
jc class outing
well okay, there's 8 of us.
there will always be 2 that will never attend, qr and gl.
watched national treasure, then dinner at the thai rest. near chong pang, then watched the baby movie with jackie chan at sharon's place. hmm.. okay ba? haha... the organiser is actually very bad at thinking of nice group activities, which is me. -_-
maybe we can try cycling next time.
work work work... i used to complain i have a lot of work in camp. now that i'm at home with nothing to do, i want work, and money.
hmm... asking her out is hard. everytime i ask, it's just a no. i can understand the reason, but after so many times, it feels that she just don't want it.
me beside her means nothing much.
she actually 'know' i wanna kick her out of my life... how did she know? perhaps she sense it from my words.. haha..
but she doesn't know... how much more i want to hold her tight in my life...
and she doesn't know... i waited till now for her to finish reading, and she went off without saying good night...
me to her, insignificant.
what's my worth?
i don't matter much to her.
so why is she impt to me?
there will always be 2 that will never attend, qr and gl.
watched national treasure, then dinner at the thai rest. near chong pang, then watched the baby movie with jackie chan at sharon's place. hmm.. okay ba? haha... the organiser is actually very bad at thinking of nice group activities, which is me. -_-
maybe we can try cycling next time.
work work work... i used to complain i have a lot of work in camp. now that i'm at home with nothing to do, i want work, and money.
hmm... asking her out is hard. everytime i ask, it's just a no. i can understand the reason, but after so many times, it feels that she just don't want it.
me beside her means nothing much.
she actually 'know' i wanna kick her out of my life... how did she know? perhaps she sense it from my words.. haha..
but she doesn't know... how much more i want to hold her tight in my life...
and she doesn't know... i waited till now for her to finish reading, and she went off without saying good night...
me to her, insignificant.
what's my worth?
i don't matter much to her.
so why is she impt to me?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
dying from confusion
for once after so long... i finally took my focus in life completely off her.
then i realize, HOLY SHITZ. wthell am i doing with my life?
i got a lot of things to do and decisions to make now.
1. continue with psychology?
2. consider other courses
3. alternatively i will be going for commerical pilot training
4. so should i go before or after getting a degree
5. i don't really have much confidence in getting a 1st honour in psychology, my english sux, so might as well get a 1st class in some engineering right? then after that if i go for pilot or other jobs, more pay, more recognition.
6. maybe be applying for air traffic controller. pay not that high, so-so nia. after 2-3 years, at least 3k. hmm. good?
7. BUT STILL, gotta find a job quick to earn money to pay for school fees by myself, if possible
8. get some tuitions jobs on weekends, get more money, and kick her out of my mind
9. considering the online data entry thingy which requires 50 bucks (not sure in what currency) for training and her tools online. hmm.. sounds too good. but it seemed quite some professional work. fear of getting scammed... but for 50 bucks? nik said it's a lot. but then... is it? hmm.. for 50 bucks, in return you can be earning much more, at home, freelance, flexible. maybe i'll go for it, going to look for signs of scam later.
10. apply for NTU scholarship if i'm going for NTU psychology, or any other courses. i don't want to pay sch fees. it's over 20k for 4 years. wthell.
so.. wthell have i been doing?
now i blame myself for not working hard enough back in tamworth..
or else these problems won't appear. haha...
and i finally went to see the doc on the flu yesterday. the medicine is really drowsy...
then i realize, HOLY SHITZ. wthell am i doing with my life?
i got a lot of things to do and decisions to make now.
1. continue with psychology?
2. consider other courses
3. alternatively i will be going for commerical pilot training
4. so should i go before or after getting a degree
5. i don't really have much confidence in getting a 1st honour in psychology, my english sux, so might as well get a 1st class in some engineering right? then after that if i go for pilot or other jobs, more pay, more recognition.
6. maybe be applying for air traffic controller. pay not that high, so-so nia. after 2-3 years, at least 3k. hmm. good?
7. BUT STILL, gotta find a job quick to earn money to pay for school fees by myself, if possible
8. get some tuitions jobs on weekends, get more money, and kick her out of my mind
9. considering the online data entry thingy which requires 50 bucks (not sure in what currency) for training and her tools online. hmm.. sounds too good. but it seemed quite some professional work. fear of getting scammed... but for 50 bucks? nik said it's a lot. but then... is it? hmm.. for 50 bucks, in return you can be earning much more, at home, freelance, flexible. maybe i'll go for it, going to look for signs of scam later.
10. apply for NTU scholarship if i'm going for NTU psychology, or any other courses. i don't want to pay sch fees. it's over 20k for 4 years. wthell.
so.. wthell have i been doing?
now i blame myself for not working hard enough back in tamworth..
or else these problems won't appear. haha...
and i finally went to see the doc on the flu yesterday. the medicine is really drowsy...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
some chinese phrases
喜欢, 就是淡淡的爱
爱, 就是深深的喜欢
最重要的, 不是爱上了谁, 而是如何去爱.
如果爱你是错, 我不爱对
如果想你犯罪，枪毙我会比较干脆。
牵手或放手。 幸福，或祝福。
爱, 就是深深的喜欢
最重要的, 不是爱上了谁, 而是如何去爱.
如果爱你是错, 我不爱对
如果想你犯罪，枪毙我会比较干脆。
牵手或放手。 幸福，或祝福。
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
13 quotes that may encourage you
1. I love you not becuz of who you are, but becuz of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just becuz someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, becuz you never know who is falling in love with your smile right now.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so taht when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
girl, tears are precious.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just becuz someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, becuz you never know who is falling in love with your smile right now.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so taht when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
girl, tears are precious.
time to change faith
okay, time to stop talking nonsense.
relationships is not the only part of life.
there is still other things, like sex, and maybe some other things. haha..
easy come, easy goes.
~the phoenix throws itself into the burning flame, and then revive as a new life - Scorpio
relationships is not the only part of life.
there is still other things, like sex, and maybe some other things. haha..
easy come, easy goes.
~the phoenix throws itself into the burning flame, and then revive as a new life - Scorpio
forgot to say
Happy New Year~!
haha..
i'm bluffing myself, i can't give up on someone.
sometimes i wonder if the ball is on my side or her side.
other times i'm guessing whether she's giving all the excuses.
often i think she no longer has feelings.
but for now, let me believe in her.
~Believe is a strong word. It gives you faith in what you do.
jealousy eh? haha...
i can't rid myself of these terrible feelings.
so you wonder why ppl make themselves feel terrible...
but i can't help it what. -_-
resolutions for the year:
1) her
2) me
3) everyone else
haha..
i'm bluffing myself, i can't give up on someone.
sometimes i wonder if the ball is on my side or her side.
other times i'm guessing whether she's giving all the excuses.
often i think she no longer has feelings.
but for now, let me believe in her.
~Believe is a strong word. It gives you faith in what you do.
jealousy eh? haha...
i can't rid myself of these terrible feelings.
so you wonder why ppl make themselves feel terrible...
but i can't help it what. -_-
resolutions for the year:
1) her
2) me
3) everyone else
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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